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[prismaticbleed]

I have to be in bed within 20 minutes but I need to quickly type something about this first.

mass today
out of nowhere, right before the consecration, suddenly I get dragged into "heartspace" and I'm at calvary hill and infinitii is there.
ze was looking down at hir wrists, and ze was carrying the bloody wounds that christ had on the cross. I immediately winced, was this blasphemous? but infi said, shaking with pain and staring at the nailmarks, "your heart is nailed to the cross. I am your heart. so that is where I will be."

and

for the consecration infi actually reached out and pushed me to look at it. like actually grabbed my head and made me look. made me really look. hir voice urging me to do so was so fervent, hushed and commanding all at once, so much awe evident in hir tone.
"that's his heart," I remember infi saying, almost dizzy with the gravity of it. "realize what he is doing. that is his heart. and he is giving you his heart to eat."
I cannot remember the exact words. but infinitii was emphasizing that it wasn't a bloody organ. it was jesus himself, alive and present AS his own heart, just like infi was.
and the concept of food. I swear only infi can talk about that without any trauma or disgust response. ze focused on that too, how christ giving his heart as food was staggering. he was giving me life with his life, without dying. somehow, coming from hir, it meant so much more than reading that on paper. infi says things with this passion I cannot explain.

hir wings were still stained glass.
I couldn't see hir eyes. ze was turned away from me this entire time, in one way or another.
but I felt hir. I felt hir soul, and I felt my own. I felt alive.
and yet. it's like waking up from a dream.
yes it was real. yes ze is real. but ze is still dead. ze is still missing.
and yet what is death to a christian?

we're not even halfway through lent yet and I am struggling with it lately. this past WEEK has given me FOUR significant yet brief personal "traumas" and I'm reeling:
dehydration, jade, paul, and christina
not only that, but my lenten practices have become suffocating? I confessed this to father and it also showed up in his homily. that isn't uncommon. the holy spirit likes to do that and I appreciate it profoundly. it rings in my ears for weeks
but that's the point. I'm "doing" so much for lent that I'm NOT doing what I want to, in the end. I want to grow closer to Jesus. I want to KNOW him. and what am I doing? I'm obsessing over "doing the dailies" on all the prayer apps and it's getting so exhausting that it's becoming background noise.
fasting is tricky. I do need to continue to fight the body compulsions of "always adding a bit more" for some reason. it's an ed-treatment relic but it's harmful. still, we're not giving up.
we keep having slipups and off-days for the internet fasting. we got distracted on youtube today (jordan peterson and jacob collier as usual) because our brain was just so wrecked over christina that we basically "gave in" to distraction? and we'll have to confess that. just like last night we had to put on our headphones and listen to music on purpose, because mom's radio gave us a toxic earworm and we had to kill it.
but… it's the letter of the law.
we keep forgetting the POINT of fasting, not realizing the scandalous truth that, sometimes, NOT "fasting" on something can achieve that true point even better than just cutting its throat and burning it to ashes. that's our problem too. deep down we still have a tendency to violence, to death. and there's a very fine line there for a catholic. self-mortification is not a synonym for suicide. self-denial is not a form of self-harm. and yet we still don't have any clear demarcation of definition there, not yet.

still. at least we're aware it's a problem.
but we wouldn't be if we weren't typing here.

that's my last point for tonight.
we need to get back to journaling.

last night I stayed up until 2am, obsessing over allergies and nutritional facts and just getting so upset that I decided to just go back and check our UPMC entries to find and list what we DID eat, MANY times, and DIDN'T DIE, in the hopes that it would douse the allergy panic.
…I forgot just how much system love there was in those entries.
I nearly wept. God, please, I miss them all so much.
isn't that funny? they're all around! I see at least five foni per day, absolute minimum.
but… we aren't spending personal time together. we're not sharing deep experiences. everything is just survival. just the daily grind. but there's still so much love.
and I need that like breathing.

last night, killing that earworm, our samsung music shuffle unexpectedly gave us the "dreams dreams broken soul remix" we wrote around 2008. I haven't heard that in like five years at the very least.
and… genesis was singing it, upstairs. and I forgot how much I love him.
I forgot how deep he is. how broken he actually is. how much I need that in him, as much as I need him. how that brokenness is essential for love and I need that in myself too.
(later laurie commented on this too, to genesis directly. said something about him being a jester, one could forget that he had this other side to him. genesis said actually, you need both to be a jester at all. that's where it comes from. laurie said he's half-and-half and somehow this turned into a coffee joke, I only remember this because genesis materialized one of his trademark "starbucks sugarbomb" drinks to deadpan sip on as he talked to her, then after a moment of silence he just said "really it's just half-and-half")

but I digress
somewhat.

today had hope in it, despite the terrible things.
I'm exhausted and want to sleep for three solid days but tomorrow is the busiest day of our week and I'm already cutting it short on sleep

oh dude don’t forget
the phantomile visions on the couch yesterday morning, when we were so tired and our alarm went off and we slept through it
ghadius weeping almost hysterical, his "wheel of woe" self becoming an insane horror, a triple hydra of bird skulls twisted like something caught in a gear, his mind breaking along with his coherent form
something with the nahatomb egg and lephise being corrupted, SHE became the ultimate nightmare, feeling of utter doom
and klonoa, feeling so much like jewel, his eyes hard but full of tears, determined to do everything in his power to make this right, to save the dreams, to save everyone.

I'm so very tired.
maybe we'll sleep in on monday. who knows.
we're at that point of such absolute mental exhaustion that we're starting to fantasize about the hospital again. that is a huge red flag.
we need to recharge. but ironically the only thing that actually does recharge what needs to be recharged… is typing. just like this.
the spectrum is what sparks us to life again.
that's not saying anything negative about our faith. rather it does the opposite. without the spectrum, our faith is hollow and dry and repetitive. but as a system, it's full of color.

no time or brainpower to type any more tonight
but I'm glad I was able to write something. like an actual half-entry. we'll build on this later.

last thing. I said that already, haha. but that's a good segue. because father mike says things like that.
that's what we've been doing for the past 62 days. we have been absolutely powering through the bible in a year AND catechism in a year. simultaneously. plus youversion commentary notes. it takes us about 3 hours a day. and THEN we watch either word on fire or saint paul center videos for another 3 hours. all this during meals because we have to eat super slow.
but let me tell you kids. in these past two months, we have learned MORE THAN OUR ENTIRE LIFETIME SO FAR.
it's amazing. THIS is giving us LIFE. yeah we need spectrum battery charging but dude THIS is the electricity itself. I would pick this over everything. it gives me ACTUAL JOY. I actually LOOK FORWARD TO IT. it's the highlight of my day. I'm LEARNING ABOUT GOD AND THE FAITH FOR THE FIRST TIME IN MY LIFE and it is CHANGING EVERYTHING COMPLETELY FOR THE BETTER.

so. that's how I want to end this little entry.
there haven't been updates because God has laserfocused this year on SPIRITUAL EDUCATION, and that is going to be the foundation for the REST OF OUR ENTIRE LIFE. once we have this, we CAN be a truly Christ-centered System, AND the Spheres can finally be the same. this is the missing piece. I actually typed "peace" first. that's true too.
it's all God. it's all Jesus. I'm finally learning what that means. day by day. the fears are abating as understanding increases. which is why we are putting so much bleeding effort into this. it MUST "take up our entire life" right now, because without it, we have no life. this is what was always missing. the knowledge of God. the ability TO have a relationship with Him. et cetera. you cannot love who you don't know. and that's what we're finally becoming able to do. thank God. thank God at last.

eight minutes until bedtime, tops, and we still have to read today's eucharistic consecration entry so we gotta run

God bless you kids

we'll see you again soon enough.

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