sparkles

[prismaticbleed]

I don't know what my boss is doing.

I slept for about 9 hours last night, woke up exhausted, and kept spasmodically falling asleep throughout the school day. This has been happening for weeks now.
Even worse, about 4 weeks ago, I honestly slept for 24 solid hours and was STILL tired after that whole fiasco.
What is this, super-overtime?
It's not that I mind sleep, no. I'm a dream addict, and being able to just shut down temporarily after drowning myself in stress is always good. But geez, I have a life to deal with either way, and I can only do that when I'm awake... so why do I keep phasing into the subconscious world whenever I'm in a quiet room? Am I just that susceptible to fatigue or what?
Is my mind even more terrified than I am, that it's desperately clinging to the only escape route it has?

I don't know... but it worries me. My apprenticeship aside, I don't know if this is biological or what. For all I know, it could be purely stress-related, or maybe even psychological (and God knows how many of my problems stem from that), but whatever it is, it's costing me grades and time and I can't keep dealing with that.
I'm just always so tired.


I managed to finish both Amber and Melissa's transformation themes today... for LG*Girls, you know. I miss those little ladies; I'm trying hard to revamp their designs and, as soon as I get a better Windows computer (or fix Abbey up to speed), I can start experimenting with animating their fusion sequences.
Fun stuff, seriously. They keep me smiling.

Viral still thinks it's awesome beyond comprehension that Hosea has a New York accent. I was drawing Gamaliel last weekend and the story topic just came up... I need to do more research on robotics, as well as New York culture/ housing/ slang/ what have you for the sake of series accuracy. God knows I love my research, and He knows I love my kids even more, but unfortunately I don't know where I'm going to find the time to do it all.

You could cut the irony with a chainsaw, let me tell you.
Every few days, when I stop at the local gas station, the dude there jokes around with me for always heading off to class early in the morning, and still not having a major picked out. We laugh about my workaholic tendencies, sure, but once I get back on the highway I can't help but worry.
I'm already a sophomore. Some may say I have 'all the time I need' to pick a major yet, but I seriously doubt it. I am far, far from the norm in terms of what time I have left and why.
Looking around at all the other students in this computer lab... I assume at least a handful of them are having financial troubles, sure, whether they be due to family issues, lack of job hours, typical college expenses, or all three (or several other factors, really). That's a given, but... how many others have to panic over whether or not they're going to make it through the semester, not because of other classes or a job or anything like that... but because they might have to be 'put away' down in Philadelphia before spring even begins? How many kids are juggling multiple psychologists, psychiatrists, and God knows how many other doctors just for the sake of figuring out just what the heck they're supposed to do?
How many kids go to career services and are told, multiple times, that 'we have no idea what to do with you,' because they were too afraid of misunderstandings if they said what they really wanted to do with their lives?

Yes, maybe I'm making too much of a fuss over this, but the truth still stands. You guys all know just how ridiculously convoluted my 20 years on this planet have been so far.

I'm a population minority in a sense... asexual neutrois celibate, of course. It wouldn't be a problem if it didn't cause me problems with everything. If I mention it at home I'm ostracized or thrown at another therapist. If I mention it to said therapists I'm told that 'I'll grow out of it,' ignoring the fact that I've been 'growing out of it' since the 2nd grade. I wouldn't dare mention it in public, as most people don't take kindly to severe genderfreaks and I'd likely make my college life into more of a mess than it is now.
Freakin' doctors won't even sign me up for surgery because 'you're too young and we don't want you scarring at this age.' For God's sake, man, I refuse to die without any scars. If the only way to be 'free' from this chronic curse is to slice myself open in thirty-six different ways, then get out the freaking scalpel and get started. I've got all the time in the world.

Oh, but that's just the tip of the iceberg. How about all the dudes upstairs?
My mother wants me to 'get married' so I can 'have kids' and all that jazz... little does she know that I have over 700 metaphorical 'children' upstairs and my soulbond and I are going on 7 years this December.
Nevermind the fact that said soulbond is an energy-based humanoid, mind you.
I spend hours upon hours panicking over my future, wondering where in God's green earth I'm going to end up, because so far all the signs are pointing towards a dead end.
I need to change someone... I need to save someone's life, I need to inspire the world. My only purpose on this earth is to do good for the sake of others, but if I can't even hold my own sorry life together, how am I supposed to use it to support somebody else's?

About that earlier 'put away' point, though... my family, my psychologists and I are seriously considering my withdrawing from this semester and being admitted into a sort of 'psychological hospital' for a little while.
It's a bit of an unnerving thought, considering the fact that my bro was in one of those at the beginning of 2008 (my worst year so far), but if it means I can take a break from all the stress on my head and, hopefully, finally figure out just what the heck is wrong with me that keeps me from functioning in society, then hey. It's better than failing another semester, at least.

I need another hug from Veser. Come on, shark boy. Get over here.

Is it selfish to care about others?
Yes, I know caring is supposed to be a wonderful thing, and it is, but I'm thinking too deeply into this... I love people by my nature, and I don't want people to suffer because they're all God's children and I do love 'em. Is that bad, for my personal concerns to be taken into the situation?
It's driving me mad. I have an opportunity to finally connect with Jena on a small level, and I want to just throw my ego out the window to do so, but in order to even say hello I have to tell her that 1) yes, she's changed my life, 2) yes, I had to desperately search for months to find her, and 3) yes, I do love her terribly. That's immediately dragging my own self into this, and I don't want her to think I'm seeking her friendship for a selfish reason, or worse, because I'm a stalker (which I hope I am not, in any sense of the word). No, I want her to know the honest truth, as odd as it may be, and that is that I love her and wish the absolute best for her BUT she has no obligations whatsoever to try and 'live up' to anything for me.
I want to be her friend because she has changed my life and I just want to be there for her in return.
I want her to be herself, no exceptions, and I want to support her in all her endeavors.
I just want to let her know that, if she ever feels as lonely as I do sometimes, I will always be there for her if she needs someone.
Is that selfish, to want to be a positive force in her life? Is it egotistic to want her to know she's loved and will always have someone to turn to?
I don't know what to think anymore, and it's tearing me apart.


I'm trying to rediscover myself regardless.
It's hard, though... the worries, the stress, it eats away at me. I have little motivation on most days, and even when I do I'm always so darn tired. I keep running to escapes, just to free my mind for a little while and calm down all the noise, but inevitably I end up with even more to think about. I decide to see Princess and the Frog and cheer up, but my favorite character ends up dead and I spend the night tangled up in convoluted thoughts on the themes of love and true friendship. I plug in the PS1 and hang with Klonoa, but start getting all philosophical about the concept as well as wishing I could create a game as beautiful as that. I chill out to some FROST* and am floored by Jem's musical brilliance, before panicking because I feel obligated to reach that same level of awesome, nevermind the fact that I'm an inexperienced amateur and may not be able to maneuver my fingers in 10 years, thank you arthritis. I browse through deviantART and have to stop because I can't imagine how people can create such stunning works of art, could so clearly express their imaginations.
I wake up in the morning and immediately panic because I have years of work to complete, so many people to reach out to and God only knows how much time left, and like a moron I've been too afraid to even make the first move. Geez...
I think I'm going to drive down to Borders and drown myself in mint tea and cool people.


I really, really wish I could just sit down and talk to Preludove or Hosea face-to-face right now. I need someone who can pick me up and make me smile, but who also knows what I've been through firsthand. I need to talk to that indomitable flirt with a love for adventure and a real understanding of loss... I need to talk with the disco addict who knows how it feels to not only be euphoric beyond belief but also pained beyond your ability to tolerate.
Most of all, I just need to freakin' cheer up here. I have so much love, so much energy, so much life inside me. I'm the sort of kid who would spend a whole day running through the city like a maniac with a few friends and just enjoy everything if I could. I want to learn to free-run, skateboard, surf, breakdance, play drums, and so many other things-- not what you'd expect to hear from the quiet kid who seldom talks, right? Still, if you paid attention to the wide-eyed amazement I give the world, paid attention to the grins I give to mirrors and listened to the words I can't help but ramble as I wander down the halls with my fire-red bookbag covered in Pokemon paraphernalia, you might get a better idea of who I really am.

Gosh, I just want to hop a plane to Gimmelwald and run through those fields, man.
By the way, if you have no idea what this wondrous location that I adore even is, it is right here, up here, across here and down here.
NOW YOU SEE WHY I MUST LIVE THERE.

Anyway, speaking of awesome things, I started a new Youniverse profile for the sake of having two sets of accurate results I can compare.
I know I've plugged that site before, but seriously, sign up and give it a shot. It really makes you think about yourself and I'll tell you what *hits the table*, that's just what I need.


Man... whatever the future holds, this stupid stress isn't going to kill me.
My heart is still full of light and love, and as long as I never forget to help others, take nothing for granted, share everything I have and live my absolute best no matter what, I'll never have to worry about a worthless life.
Now, as long as I eventually earn enough cash to move to Switzerland, it's all good.