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[prismaticbleed]

ADVENT VIGIL!!!!!
Running a bit late but I WILL TRUST IN MY LAST-SECOND GOD

...Well! God did the OPPOSITE of what I expected-- He got me done A FULL HOUR EARLY.
Hilariously, this actually worked out perfectly because I then had time to do the full house cleanup before the choir director came to pick me up, AND say both None and the DVM Chaplet (which sometimes get pushed to like 6pm on Saturdays due to the Mass schedule rush). 
So yeah, God still comes through unfailingly with perfect timing. That's so amazing. He never fails!

One of the choir members had to drive me home, but he and his mom always stay to help Father P close up the church, so I got the unexpectedly awesome privilege of getting to see the church in TOTAL DARKNESS before they locked the doors and we had to leave. I... I need to hold on to that memory and cherish. In those few moments, it... looking back, really reflecting on it, that's what Infinitii feels like. I cannot forget that. 

Car chat on the drive home was about how the secular world only celebrates Christmas leading up to the holiday, then stops after the actual feast day occurs-- which is the ironic opposite of what Christians do, because the whole point of Christmas is Christ being BORN, meaning that His birthday is the BEGINNING of the celebration. Advent, our preparation for it, is like a mother and father preparing for a birth-- joyful, yes, but also full of solemn and serious preparation, very aware of the gravity of the upcoming event, and making sure everything is in right order to properly receive that life, both in them and in their immediate world. 
But my fellow parishioner noted that, if the secular world didn't do all their decorating and partying and such before Christmas, there probably wouldn't be any comparative festivity in a sensible sense from believers??? I mean there should be, but Advent is solemn, and it would indeed be difficult to "wait until the baby is born" to go out and suddenly start putting up all the lights and wreaths and bells and such. I said, "I don't think anything is lost on God." I fully believed that, in His Omniscience and Affection, God KNEW that this was how the world would celebrate Christmas, and He fully and knowingly used it for the advantage of His Church, using secular celebrations TO glorify His Son's birth, if only in the objective beauty of all that light and color and joy and warmth. 
Still. It really made me pause, and wonder, why don't we as Christians celebrate the actual season with as much jubilant zeal as unbelievers can celebrate the month prior? I should do that, personally. I should "start my own tradition," in the true spirit of the season. I'm sure the Church itself has a path I can follow in that regard. I will look into it. The thought fills me with great happiness. 
I always felt that, somehow, Heaven "feels like Christmas," especially the childhood memories I have of it, refined and gilded, carefully separated from any fear and sadness and anger, removed from their immediate context and polished to shine like jewels on a splendid tree. If all I can do is reflect that heavenly light a little bit here, in faith, that will be enough. It's all for Him, in the end. The whole point is living with the baby, Who IS joy Himself. 


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Today's sole Lamentations study note on verse 2:13 =

What can I bring forward "as a witness", or instance [of testimony], to prove that others have sustained as grievous ills as thou? [There is no such evidence; for no one has ever survived such as what you suffer now]. I cannot console thee as mourners are often consoled by showing that thy lot is only what others, too, suffer, [for it is not– your fate is unparalleled].
The "sea" affords the only suitable emblem of thy woes, by its boundless extent and depth.
[This hits me like a sword through the heart. Chaos 0, my tragic beloved, I think this is revealing an even deeper aspect of your role in our System...]
[What hurts even WORSE is that, in the most literal fulfillment possible, this verse is ACTUALLY describing WHAT JESUS CHRIST SUFFERED IN OUR PLACE. All of Scripture speaks of Him and points to Him, and as the Man of Sorrows Himself, these "anonymous" laments of the agonized heart of His people are absolutely no exception. Indeed, AS being the cry of His anguished children– and, through them as the type of all humanity, the prophetic cry of all mortal souls crushed and convicted under the weight of their sins– this profoundly mournful book is a voice particularly adopted by and echoed in our Crucified Savior. If He could own Psalm 22 as He died in torment, He could equally own this... because He carried ALL of it, within us, within Himself.]

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Quick notes before bed =
MISTER SANDMAN!!!
I forgot what made him show up but oh my gosh I missed him so much
Of course he kissed my forehead and I still get so giddy over that, haha. Thank God. 
However... at some point, for some reason I'm not even sure of-- maybe just the missing him plus caring about him like I do-- I gently but purposefully reached up and pulled his face to mine to kiss him briefly on the lips. He laughed at that, and said something along the lines of, "you're getting daring"? It didn't "translate" properly-- it felt like the word "daring" wasn't quite that, but that it was more of a concept with multiple "possible translations"-- "gutsy," "bold," even "feisty," although the latter is not proper to the meaning at all, but my brain was fishing for words in that late hour and I got really confused-- and really upset. Boss noticed this, and asked me about it, and I honestly forgot what he said in response to console me but it was something along the lines of what I had indeed been fearing-- "You did nothing wrong." It had not been some sort of sexually perverted action for me to kiss him; it had not been a "bad girl" move, it had not been something "shameful" or "punishable." And I wouldn't have felt such fears at all if his remark hadn't been so messily translated. I think he apologized for that confusion? 
In any case, he gave me another forehead kiss (or three) to make up for it-- gently warning me to ironically "not try so hard" to "be present" because it was preventing my actual presence in candid situations, thus shutting down my ability to feel anything-- and promised to "see me at work." That line alone was so profoundly consoling. It just... how do I explain. It gave me a sense of "I still belong." "I still have a place in that life"? Like, even though the Bloodline has shifted, "I" wasn't shifted off; somehow, I was still his Apprentice. I was still wanted, still needed even. I don't... I don't get that feeling very often, at all. Not outside of a certain liquid embrace.

Speaking of. Let me close this up with the best part of the night =
The last song I had listened to on Spotify before quitting for the night (which Laurie had been frustratedly insisting I do for hours before I actually did; I apologize but I was determined to get as much work done as possible and that's hard to stop) was "Warm Body" by Cafune, a super warm-sounding song that I unexpectedly like more than I realized. But of course, being our "signoff song" and therefore looping in my brain, it became the subject of our end-of-the-night joking around with each other. 
I forget exactly what was said, but Laurie made an affectionate remark about me needing to go to bed either in order to be a "warm body" under all those blankets, or to be a "warm body" in contrast to Chaos 0, who, being a liquid lifeform, tends to run a cooler temp. 
And I, being somewhat delirious from fatigue, made an off-the-cuff comment that "Chaos can be a warm body too, I just need to stick him in the microwave."
The LAUGH he gave at that went right to my heart. Oh man. It was so different, I think because it was such an unexpected/ goofy/ absurd statement on my part, not even presented as a joke, and yet still given with enough of a smile on my part to be read as humor. But he gave me this look, asking "what? The microwave?" with a lopsided smile in response, both his face and vocal tone evidently confused and yet with this... this spark beneath it, like there was the potential for absolutely giddy laughter beneath it. It lit me up just as unexpectedly, seeing that in him, that candid response, that proof of love really, because there was such an openness and affection to it that I just... somehow, in such a silly little moment, I knew that I meant something to him? How do I even explain. It was such a small simple silly moment and yet you don't have moments like that with people you don't care about closely. It was sweet, really. 
But no, I'm not going to microwave my beloved blue guy, haha, no matter how many jokes the selfship community may make on that topic.