It's tough being what I am

[prismaticbleed]

Asexual antisexual neutrois celibate. With a pain addiction and an attraction to inhumans to boot.

Geez...


After I buy my Wacom, I need to save up for Flash.
Besides saving up, I have to spend a ton of money on car payments and schoolbooks and gas money and all that junk...
...Plus, I have to save up for chest binders.

You heard me. FTM merchandise, except my last letter is different. FTN.
I still need binders.

It's driving me crazy.
I am literally scared to death of attending college for that reason.
Art classes have to deal with nudity...
...Everyone has to deal with relationship fizz and the behavoir of the normal human.
Well... what if one isn't a "normal" human in the eyes of society?

I'm scared of being a part of that life.
I want to not only be neutrois, but look neutrois... it's gonna be hard, but I need to try. I have no other option. Never compromise.

Subject switch!
I stumbled across a Pokemorph club on dA today... normally, I don't like human-into-Pokemon art, as it looks bizarrely unnatural, but I do like artwork of humans dressed up as Pokemon.
On that note, the group has apparently just announced a contest!
"Design a Poison-type Pokemorph (as there are far too few of them)."
The only entries so far are Victreebell, Nidoqueen, Haunter and Tentacruel. The Tentacruel is freaking brilliant, and I do like the Haunter's design, although they're both direct physical morphs.
Me?
I'm going to give it a shot!
Heck, I used to draw physical morphs all the time. Remember Skittygirl? Geez, I loved that gal. There was Azurii, Kecleos, Plusen and Minon... I was even planning morphs for Beautifly and Mawile! Man those were fun days. I still have the old character art too!
As for this contest, though, I'll try some outfit-morphs and some physical-morphs. This is my plan so far:
Outfit Morphs
Muk (Female)
Swalot (Female)
Arbok (Female)
Koffing (Male)
Physical Morphs
Ariados (Male)
Beedrill (Male)
I might switch the Beedrill to an outfit morph, but I love bug-people far too much, haha. If I'm abitious enough I'll even try a physical morph of Crobat and Venomoth.
It's awesome... as soon as I say a name and type, I get a mental image of how I want the character to look. I really hope I get the time to do this... it'll be a ton of fun. I've been in such a Pokemon-induced hype lately! I love it!
...You know what, after I draw my Pokemon teams, I'm going to draw them as Pokemorphs. Gosh that will be awesome. Punky male Roserade morphs ftw!

...Oh geez. Apparently, I put my custom Pokemon-TMM-Sailor Moon music CD in my laptop an hour or two ago, and it ripped all the music off without my knowing, haha. Well, I was going to rip it off anyway, so that works!


All right, and enough of that ranting.
I'm still kind of... eh... about Q visiting on Monday.
Why?
Go three entries back to the huge 3AM rant with a lot of nasty language and a Steely Dan title. That's the main reason.
Secondly... well, I don't know. I like being alone. I want to sit and work with my monsters and my muse and not have to worry about kids who like me as more than a friend and college situations and financial problems and the stress of living as an asexual FTN.
Maybe I'm just scared because I've never had something like this before. I've never loved an actual physical person before.

Geez... I hope he doesn't think I hate him or anything...

I just don't want a physical relationship, no matter what sort of physical relationship it is.
I like leaving messages on dA, here and there, when I feel like it. That's fine with me. I'm too busy and frenetic for a full-time thing, and I'm glad. I think it takes away the value when you're forced to constantly have something that is supposed to be unique and special, y'know.

...
Geez, I just switched my music to some random TMM background music and it makes me think of Chaos Zero. It has to be the chords. It has to be.
Man. I don't know why I love him so much.

I want to watch Patlabor! It looks so good and the theme song is gorgeous!
Bokurano sounds incredible too. Plus I need to get back into watching Evangelion, and I'd like to get into Narutaru if it's good. It looks good. That and Lain. They both look good.
And Gankutsuo! I never had the chance to pursue that series... that and Shadow Skill. Oh, and I want to watch some of the Chrno Crusade anime sometime. The manga was unforgettably amazing, and I hope the anime is as good. Plus I want to hear what voice actors they gave Genai and Rizelle, haha.

My ear infection still didn't go away. It hurts like crazy and it's driving me mad.
Plus my little brother made the huge mistake of letting me know there were Klondike bars in the fridge. Now, ice cream makes me sick, and sugar makes me even sicker... but due to the fact that I can't eat sweet stuff because of the pain it gives me, my body seems to have developed a sugar addiction for what it can get.
If I bought the food for this house, there would be no sugar or junk food. Unfortunately, my mom buys the food, and that's what she buys! So I regularly get sick as that's often all there is to readily eat.
Well, to make a long story short, I had half of a Klondike, and immediately my throat started burning, my mouth went numb, and I got quite dizzy. Ehh. Happens every time I eat that junk, and I never learn.


My grandparents went to the bank for almost two hours the other day while my mom and brothers were at camp.
As a result, I ended up alone at home with Selph, my old purple stereo, and my CD collection.
I grabbed a few, hit 'play' and sang along without a care in the world.
I only sing my best when I have no hindrances or volume restrictions, haha. I need to turn up the volume and really sing loud to hit my ideal. It's fun!
Oh, and fun fact! I actually sang "Time Is Running Out" as karaoke. Yes! I found a voiceless rip of the song and literally sang solo to it. I recorded it too, haha, so I can hear where I need to improve.
I found a voiceless rip of "Starlight" yesterday, too, but that song requires some serious skill for the high vibrato (darn your awesome singing talent, Matthew Bellamy!) so I really need to practice before I try that one. I will eventually, though!
Heck, if it's good enough, I'll even stick it on YouTube, haha. Fun stuff.
I wonder if they have vocal-ripping programs on the Internet somewhere. I'd love to rip the vocals off "I'm Shakin'" and "Only A Fool Would Say That" and try those solo. It would be awesome.


Anyway. Back on topic. Monday.
Geez...
I hope he comes here as a good friend 'cause that's where all the love is. Oh, and no plans!
I don't like when people try to seriously plan entire meetings beforehand. It makes everything artificial and rehearsed. There's no personality. Plus it'll make me a little less scared about this, haha.
I mean, sure, I might think over random situations with Chaos Zero in my head, but we do that for fun. If he ever does find his way over here (God, let that happen one day), I want it to be at the perfect moment and completely unexpected. Plus it would be hilarious if it happened in public! "What the hell is that girl doing with a space alien??" Haha, well, first of all, he's not from outer space. He's an interdimensional alien! Ftw!

Anyway.
I have a few color t-shirts that I want to paint (with J-Monsters and Otherside characters, of course!), but until I find the time to sit down and sketch out the designs and then transfer them, they aren't getting anywhere.
More than anything, I want to learn how to make iron-on transfers. They look awesome. That, and once I get my Wacom, I can start selling stuff on Cafepress! That'll be fun.

Hot Topic sells corsets and all sorts of odd stuff. I think I'm going to get some things.
I'm really into 'punky' clothing (or whatever they call it now)... the weird, unique outfits and belts and all. I would love to own at least one outfit in that style, but I'd have to go out and buy it in secret... that and the corsets...
Geez, why am I thinking of buying corsets when they emphasize your chest? I need binders, not corsets. I'm just thinking corsets because they're tight.
Dear heavens, I really am a pain addict. I don't know.
Still wearing that crystal collar, haha. I like it too much.

I'm saving up for a gemstone ring.
You heard me. I want a genuine gemstone ring to wear in place of a wedding ring. Probably a sapphire.
Why?
Well... multiple reasons.
Reason #1 is so people will see it and won't come after me. I'm a celibate and an asexual, and I want to show that somehow in my physical appearance.
Reason #2 is 'why a sapphire?' That would be because of Preludove. That creature has freaking changed my life. I would not be me... I would not be here, right now, in my life, if God hadn't put her in my life. Heck, I might have died by now if not for her. So that's my tribute to her.
But yes. I am going to get one. I don't want some cheap plastic knockoff or hand-me-down thing signifying what means so much to me. I want something genuine and serious.


Back to the subject again...
What the heck am I even going to do on Monday? Sit and talk for hours? That's fine, but I don't like physical proximity, and he'd better not dare touch me for any reason. I don't like people touching me at all. I'm just.... eh.
Another hidden reason for that... I'm afraid they might feel something if they touch me. I'm afraid they might feel something, see something, sense something in my frenetic mind. I'm afraid of what it might do to them.
Other than that, I'm just too asexual to like anyone touching me in anyway. Not fun.

Oh yeah, I put my Marik action figure and my Grievous "Unleashed" figure on my dresser the other day. So now it's them, my Celebi and Jirachi plushies, my Mew action figure, and my glow-in-the-dark Celebi figure. Oh yeah, and my red Mood Beam, Vivienne. She's adorable. You tap her head and she glows red! How perfect is that? (Well, Dulcinea glows red too, but that's only because she's a super-rare factory mistake!)

I think my Pokedolls are in storage. Hm. I miss them; they're very cute. The Blaziken plushie alone is freaking adorable! And did you know they make Celebi, Darkrai and Spiritomb Pokedolls? Good heavens, I need to stop by Pokecenter (or eBay) sometime soon and try to snag some...

A-haha! Good heavens!
I just stopped by Pokemon.com and brought up the Pokedex for medium-height monsters, right?
Well, the monster closest to my height and weight is... Deoxys (5'7"/ 134). How awesome is that?
I'M A MUTANT SPACE VIRUS FTW.

Did you guys know Froslass is 4'3" and Ledian is 4'7"? That's big! I could just reach down and hug mine if I wanted, ahaha. I also like to hug my Banette as he's the perfect size (3'7")... but my poor Spiritomb (3'3") apparently weighs a freaking ton (238!!) so it's a little tough to get him, haha.
Oh: Roserade is 2'11" and Beedrill is 3'3''! *tackle-hug* My Roserade and Beedrill (Neldoreth and Fate, respectively) are total maniacs, so they won't mind. They might even tackle-hug me first!
Hey-- Shuppet and Celebi are the same size! How cool is that?
Burmy is EIGHT INCHES.
I could get a duffel bag and stuff it full of 'em. BURMIES!
All right, now I'm laughing too hard so I'm going to stop.


*brings up eBay*
OH MY GOSH.
They have Pokedolls of Giratina, Uxie, Gallade, Azelf, Magmortar, and Regigigas!!
Holy fish and crumpets... if they have Mesprit dolls I am buying one ASAP, along with a Darkrai doll. Mmm. Darkrai is a fluffy spaz. I love that dude.
Oh, and I got a Darkrai card in my TCG pack the other week! Wahoo!

...Wow.
I just eBay searched "Mesprit" and they do make plushies... but the Level X Mesprit cards are amazing!
Geez, some of the Pokemon card art is absolutely beautiful. Wow.

Hm.

It's late. 11:39 PM. I have to be at work for noon tomorrow.
At this rate, I'll get to sleep for 1AM and wake up at 9... maybe 8... I want to draw some stuff. I want to enjoy my last free day before Monday hits me like a train full of spike grenades, haha.

Anyway, this entry is long enough and full of fluff today, so I guess I can sign off for tonight no problem.
See you later, kids.



Bury it
I won't let you bury it
I won't let you smother it
I won't let you murder it

Our time is running out
Our time is running out
You can't push it underground
You can't stop it screaming out
How did it come to this?