TOPICS I NEED TO WRITE ABOUT ASAP

[prismaticbleed]

 
• The BLESSING of androgyny
• Depressed about being a talentless hack and failure in the eyes of the world
• Struggling with ideas of family and gender
•  Still TERRIFIED of everything even vaguely sexual. Legit DO NOT WANT TO GET OVER THIS EITHER. Jarred and disturbed when cisfemale Catholics talk about it so blithely and openly, makes me want to scream and vomit
• Living too much outside and not inside
• The SANDMAN WAVE DREAM
• Not being myself at all. Not spending time with the System OR the League. Identity utterly shot. NEED to brave the picrew hell and figure out for real WHO THE HECK I AM AND WHO THE OTHER CORES & SOCIALS ARE
• NEW JARGON FOR "FAKE CORES" WHO FRONT FOR SURVIVAL WAY TOO OFTEN
• Still having a religious crisis. Love God but feeling exasperated and even upset by OTHER Christians??? "Programmed" behavior, stock phrases, papercut personalities, etc. Frightened. Can a freak like me legitimately love God too, or do I have to fit the template?
• I love everyone in the System so much I'm actually in tears right now. I love them. God please don't take them away from me. Please let me love You WITH them. Every time "i" have tried to gut myself of plurality it had ripped my heart out entirely, and my worship of the Heart of All Things becomes hollow. Without the ability to feel, share, comprehend, or accept love, I cannot have any faith in the ultimate Love. help us.
• Gender dysphoria hell still. Not a man, not a woman. Only seeing fragments of "me" in even Ghibli characters. Like some shots of Arren felt like me on some level, but never Therru. And although Nausicaa and her absolute compassionate courage is how I DESPERATELY WANT TO BE, I could never be a girl like her. It would feel so dishonest and wrong. Who the heck am I? I'm not a "man" but I NEVER will be a "woman." I think a lot of it is AGE, too??? Like I DON'T want to be a MATURE ADULT for trauma reasons. And yet I STILL feel so drawn to that "video game single father" trope. WHY. At the same time I cannot deny some more "feminine" aspects of myself, and my distaste of many culturally "masculine" things. And how much of it is "Me," versus OTHER alters AND PROGRAMMING??? Because you can FEEL differences. PLEASE MAKE A LIST. WRITE ABOUT THIS. AND LOOK INTO CULTURE TOO, AND RELIGION, IF IT WONT GET YOU EVEN MORE DEPRESSED.
• ...