112923

[prismaticbleed]

 

FORGOT TO TURN THE ALARM ON
Miraculously woke up at 7:08 and BOOKED IT to Mass
MADE IT ON TIME, thanks be to God!!
Morning schedule actually went perfectly normally. That was a great blessing.
BK prep immediately at 10am because SOUP & SCRIPTURE SON!!
Mass first though, of course. Man we haven't been to OLOMC in MONTHS, since before we started using the bookbag I think? But it's been ages. And we were lucky-- since it was Wednesday, we got to say the Saint Joseph novena which we love.
S&S was, admittedly, a bit disappointing. The folks first ate for an entire half hour-- understandable, this was probably their actual lunch, and I used the time to read some very timely tabbed articles (a sermon on giving one's all to God, as the widow, and then a shockingly relevant warning on scrupulosity & prophecy which we NEED to type about)-- but then we didn't discuss the actual readings. It was mostly just church chat, which has its place for sure, but... we didn't give any solid attention to Scripture. And that did hurt. Nevertheless, Father E gave us the "basics" on Advent, which was informative, and the general conversation was still amiable and positive. Honestly I cannot complain-- if I did, which my stupid selfish ego is tempted to, it would show how closed my heart was to grace, how closed my mind was to inspiration. You MUST go into these things LIKE A CHILD, with no expectations except "God is working here; I can't want to see and hear what He does!" NO LIMITS.
Also don't forget the reading referenced our favorite super-obscure hymn, and now it's stuck in our head. Good.


Got home for 145 and breakfast was PERMAFROSTED, haha. Two minutes in the microwave fixed it though, no worries. Razor called them "glass eggs" because not only did they turn translucent, but also because she couldn't cut them at first as they were as solid as actual glass. It was hilarious.

A SUDDEN REALIZATION IN REALTIME:
PHONE TYPISTS CHANGE DEPENDING ON WHETHER IT IS SINGLE OR DOUBLE FINGER TYPING?????
THE SPEED AT WHICH THOUGHTS BECOME WRITTEN DOWN CHANGES THE TYPIST, BECAUSE THE SPEED DICTATES OUR MINDSET.
WHAT THE HECK THAT'S INSANE. BUT IT MAKES SO MUCH SENSE.


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Reading the A.R.E. papers on RECONCILIATION for today, and my heart is breaking into flame because THIS IS WHAT INFI'S HEART IS REALLY MEANT TO BE. I can feel it so clearly it is painful.
Quote it.
THIS is going to be their NEW NAME, too, I can feel it.
Every time I prayed about "things being ready" for Infi to come back, I kept getting "wait for December." And here we are, with something I never would have expected, right when I was able to receive it. God knows His schedule. We needed this class, and everything else that preceded it, before the stage could be properly set for what's next. I cannot predict or guess any of it, but God's timing is Impeccable. Trust in Him.

More System relevance =
"Atone: To be in harmony or accordance; literally to bring "at one", to reconcile, and thence to suffer the pains of whatever sacrifice is necessary to bring about a reconciliation."
"Atonement: the "condition of being at one (with others)," often achieved through "satisfaction or reparation for wrong or injury, propitiation of an offended party". The theological meaning is "reconciliation", of man with God through the life, passion, and death of Christ.
"Retribution: to "give back, give in return, restore, pay back, return in kind"; "recompense, repayment," especially "that which is given in return for past good or evil." Also "making or bringing requital, retaliative."

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Evening =
Driving & weeping over Christmas loss. Parked and crumpled under it. Actually slumped over steering wheel and sobbing.

Bluntly honest in A.R.E. about confession questions.
SCRUPULOSITY CHASTISEMENT FROM FATHER!! It's actually "false humility," as it's entirely obsessively focused on SELF
...
Asked about "what if I'm haunted by the consequences of my sin, things I literally cannot change even if I confessed and repented"? Father VERY POINTEDLY used the example of alcoholism (he knows about the E.D.), and then knocked me out of left field-- he said that living with such a heavy cross, this humbling and constant awareness of what we did and were delivered from nevertheless, is a GREAT GRACE?????
He also used an example of "being cruel and bitter all your life" before gaining the grace to change, while still having the consequences and reputation of your past demeanor to deal with, perhaps permanently-- and that pinged Mimic SO HARD.

Father ALSO brought up SAINT DISMAS!
I mentioned he was my patron saint and Father said "devotion to him is very powerful"
(BTW when I got home, in the kitchen I was suddenly moved to pray to him to pray for me. I wasn't afraid to, it felt like sending a request to a real friend. Solemn but sincere, and strongly affectionate. It was surprising to feel such a trusting hope in myself, such a feeling of actual brotherhood)

Talking to Laurie, briefly, right before the class and during the first minutes. She was in tears, but soberly so, asking me with grave sincerity whether or not I actually forgave her... and asserting the affirmative on her own part.
"You bloody killed me, kid, and I forgive you completely"
I remember her notably stating that, in CNC, we basically "killed each other" by our stupid and foolish actions, but even then we didn't mean to do so. It was never our intention, although it was the awful result.
At one point she admitted this-- that her corruption and slipping directly caused my own death, and still affected me now-- and asked point-blank "do you forgive me." NOT pleading, but seeking an honest reply.
Immediately I started saying "yes, of course I do," but then I jarringly realized THAT WAS PROGRAMMING. When I actually felt down in our heart there was SO MUCH BITTER PAIN EVEN AT HER???? And it was all FUSED WITH OUR OWN SELF-HATRED.
I admitted this to her. It disturbed me that I HAD to "forgive her," that in order to say "I WANT to forgive you, I WANT to be close to you again, I WANT to be able to love you without flashbacks" etc. meant that I wasn't there yet.
Laurie gave me this achingly fierce smile and embraced me just as strongly, just as painfully. In that moment I wanted nothing more than to be able to accept and return it in total freedom. But there is a wound in the way. God help us. Please. It's been five years. We NEED to heal. We NEED to forgive ourselves.

...Laurie said she would much rather I say flat-out that I don't forgive her, but want to work that out together, than to blindly smile and say everything was fine, there's no problem, etc. and not actually heal anything-- because she KNEW there was damage, no matter how much we may try to hide or deny or suppress the severity of it.
...I'd rather bleed with her. I want to. I have so much pain that I've never felt and it's not even mine.
So much of it belongs to people who have died.
What do we do about that?



Home for 8, thanks be to God, we actually get to eat dinner

Mom leaving off a box of Jade/Viral's stuff because THEY'RE OUT OF THE PSYCH WARD TOMORROW. So we can't go to Bible study as we planned because our whole daily focus has changed.
Is that a sin? We are being relied on to help a family member in need, and if we want to feed our stupid body as well, we can't spend the whole morning in church. I feel like throwing up and scream-crying just saying that. What a girlish response. What on earth is wrong with me.

Anyway. We're giving so much it hurts. We can't do any less. That's just honesty. It's natural. I guess that's a grace too. Thank You God.

But poor mom. We ended up STOMPING in frustrated helplessness when talking to her, because she said "you keep scarring all your therapists away, I know what you tell them!" But she doesn't, or are we wrong? God I'm so sorry.
Unprocessed trauma is making us into a monster. 8+ hours if religious rituals every day is not healing those wounds. That sounds sacrilegious, but our disturbingly repetitive confessions say otherwise. We need to actually stop using religion as an excuse to run away from life, to run away from ourself.

I have no idea what to do. "I" still want to puke & scream & weep. I have no idea where that's coming from, or what to call such an emotion, other than overwhelmed helplessness. I want to cry. I want to sleep. There's too much to do. I'll see you tomorrow.


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VOTD =
"God's character is unchanging-- He is the same yesterday, today, tomorrow, and forever. The God who loves us and gives us grace today will do the same tomorrow."
Please, repeat this to yourself. Remember it. It's true.
He's not going to suddenly stop giving you grace & love, because guess what? He HAS given us grace, through the Sacraments, and He HAS given us Love, through His Son and through the System. We have PROOF that such gifts HAVE been given, and therefore, since God doesn't change, He WILL CONTINUE TO GIVE THEM.
I know that sounds insane and impossible but it's TRUE. God isn't a human, or a mortal, or a creature. He is Perfect and Good beyond our ability to measure or comprehend and you're just gonna have to get used to that, haha.
...

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KVOTD =
The prayer fills this out beautifully, and builds on the VOTD too=
"God, You are good. No matter what happens in my life, I know that You are perfect and holy in every way. Please make me brave so I can praise you in every situation-- I know it will change things when I do."
1) A vital reminder of God's unchanging Goodness, expended and deepened by the simultaneous truth that He is also HOLY and PERFECT... whatever He allows to happen to us. That REALLY makes you awestruck. It's one thing to be in a crisis and say, "God is still Good. He is still using this for Goodness." It's another thing to say as well, in that crisis, "God is still PERFECT. There is no possible flaw or oversight or misstep in His allowing this." And ultimately, "God is still HOLY. Even as I am suffering greatly, even if I am being tormented by the effects & consequences of sin, God is forever holy, and He sees me in this state, and He is perfect and good and He loves me even now." Et cetera, with all reverence. Take it further, "in every way." His timing is perfect. His methods are holy. His purposes are good. His instruction is perfect. His chastisement is holy. His silence is good... There are so many layers. Honestly, pray through them when you're in distress, one by one. It will center your mind and heart in truth, and thus give you true peace.
2) Bravery is really a GRACE. Being "brave" by human standards often ends up bring arrogant and/or foolhardy instead. What we truly need is FORTITUDE. We need MORAL COURAGE. And we cannot obtain such manly virtues unless the Holy Spirit gives them to us. We must be MADE brave.
3) Real bravery, by definition, cannot be self-serving. If we pray for that grace, we will receive it only if our intention is directed towards God. We must desire to be brave for God's sake, not our own.
4) Why do we need to be brave? To praise God in every situation. That's HEAVY. It means that praise is soldier's work. It means that we will have to fight against fear, doubt, scandal, heresy, and other such vices that do violence to God's honor. It means that sometimes praising God will be the most difficult thing we could possibly do in some situations... and it means that, without the grace of bravery, we cannot praise Him. So do not take it for granted.
5) Praise and worship CHANGES THINGS... paradoxically because God never changes.
Worship brings His perpetual Goodness and Holiness and Perfection into whatever situation we're in,
...

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