tumblr faithposting: january 2021

[prismaticbleed]

I have a very pressing question about mortal sin.

What, exactly, is it? I’ve been struggling with the concept for a while especially the thought that someone could actively choose to offend God. Is such a choice possible if one fears God?

My personal terror and struggle is that, although I desperately wish it were false, I have been diagnosed with mental illness, and even without those I know my thoughts and perceptions are not in line with those of a normal person. The compulsions, addictions, & delusions I battle daily result in repeated sins that I weep nightly about and yet feel genuinely powerless to stop as a result of intense dissociation and/or obsessive fear despite pain. The compunction is choking.

My priest has told me that, because of my mental illness, I have a hindered sense of agency? But I don’t understand what this means. I don’t know how this affects the fact that I DO sin horribly, constantly, against my true will. I just… do things, screaming inside all the while to stop, terrified because I don’t know how. It’s awful. But it’s still sin.

I don’t pray enough. I hear angels and devils and Mary and Jesus constantly but I don’t pray enough. What counts as prayer? I keep hiding my face because I can’t stop sinning and I’m so afraid. But if I prayed more I’m sure it would stop. Can I sacrifice my will to God? Can he override the fearful abusive cycles? I don’t feel like I have power to choose but I factually do and that’s mortal sin. I hate it.

I love God. I adore God. The very thought of making Jesus hurt or sad or angry terrifies me to the core and leaves me shaking and sobbing and, too often, incapacitated. I know I’m still going to end up sinning. And how am I supposed to explain that? I don’t want to get out of bed because life is studded with moral landmines and I’m tired of how filthy my conscience has become. Existentially horrified, yes, but also tired. I feel like I’ll never achieve a state of grace for longer than five minutes. How am I supposed to function?

I typically don’t talk about these things on this blog. But I haven’t been to confession in weeks because I am so mortified, and frankly I don’t know WHAT to confess anymore. There’s too much and it’s all so tangled. I feel like EVERY sin I commit is mortal because I KNOW I’m not living up to proper Christian behavior. My very life is a scandal. It’s unbearable. I can’t even seem to understand how to feel sorry anymore, even though I know I don’t want to sin. What’s the difference? AM I sorry? I can’t tell, and it’s killing me.

Advice, questions, criticism, and prayers all help. Be honest please. My soul needs truth. Thank you so so much.

-----------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

"It is commonly in a somewhat cynical sense that men have said “Blessed is he that expecteth nothing, for he shall not be disappointed.” It was in a holy, happy and enthusiastic sense that Saint Francis said, “Blessed is he that expecteth nothing, for he shall enjoy everything.”"

St. Francis of Assisi, G.K. Chesterton

God owes us nothing– everything is a gift from Him, even every breath.

When we humbly view all of life as a gift from God– graceful, undeserved, generous– then, truly, our only “expectation” and our only desire is to see God’s Will being done whether in poverty or prosperity… and it will be done! Therefore we are never disappointed, and we are always rejoicing in gratitude for His ever-Good dispensation.

"They ask what cruel kind of God could have demanded sacrifice and self-denial. They will have lost the clue to all that lovers have meant by ‘love’ and will not understand that it was because the thing was not demanded that it was done."

Saint Francis of Assisi, G.K. Chesterton

You cannot love without wanting to give yourself away completely– and that requires sacrifice and self-denial. We see this in every genuine human relationship, most notably in motherhood and fatherhood, including the equally genuine courtship that leads up to marriage, rejoices in it, and endures for decades within it.

Outside of marital love, we have the saints, who love God with the same ardent exclusivity and intimacy, and whose love then spills out onto all of humanity. And truly even the married are called to be saints, for how can anyone love without first knowing what love IS– God Himself? We MUST know God and His Love for us before we can feel and express the same. Therefore we must know Jesus Christ, God become Man, Who sanctified human love and gave us all a perfect example of it, Who promised His Spirit to grace us with that same blessed capacity for it. Through Him, With Him, In Him, we can love.

God IS Love. Christ IS God. That profound fact alone is enough loving reflection for eternity itself.

inhallowedground: I’m a rather morose Catholic (I enjoy intensity, gravitas, silence) but whenever the choir at church busted out “Lord of the Dance” !!!!

 

Same here, but gosh that song still makes me weep, especially when it hits verse four:

I danced on a Friday when the sky turned black;
It’s hard to dance with the devil on your back.
They buried my body and they thought I’d gone;
But I am the dance, and I still go on:

It’s definitely upbeat but the message is so achingly triumphant! Honestly it’s a beautiful anchor for holy meditation. Just… thinking on Jesus– Lord of the cosmic Dance, Singer of the undying Song, Joy unending and infinite Love– rejected and hated and spited and bleeding and dying and yet still dancing, singing, smiling, loving. Divinity pure and untouched, united perfectly with humanity bruised and broken, embracing it, encompassing it, and teaching us how to dance despite the darkness too.

I’m a cantor and I frequently get choked up when I sing truths such as these during mass. It’s inevitable. There’s too much love and beauty not to.

Catholicism is full of gorgeous paradox like that and so much of it expresses itself perfectly through our hymns; I love it so.

“We are not saved by obedience, for obedience is the result of salvation! We are saved by faith because faith leads us to obey! Faith is weakness clinging to strength and becoming strong through so doing.”

— Charles Spurgeon

And the undercurrent of our faith, and therefore also our obedience, is charity… Love for God. Without love, our actions– however outwardly pious– are lacking in honest grace.

Love anchors faith, inspires obedience, and ignites courage. In love, we have the strength we need to rely solely on the strength of God, Who loves us first, and Whose Love IS the root of our salvation.

“Do not say, after spending a long time in prayer, that nothing has been gained; for you have already gained something. And what higher good is there than to cling to the Lord and persevere in unceasing union with Him?”

- St. John Climacus

Prayer is communion with God. Even if you don’t “feel” or “hear” anything in response, take heart, for that is not the point. Prayer itself is gain, for it is an expression of love, trust, and faith in God. It expresses our reliance on His Mercy and Generosity, His Patience and Kindness. It glorifies Him as the Source and Summit of our life. Prayer is about God! We are blessed, privileged indeed, to be able to pray to Him at all, and to know that He hears and listens with genuine attention and compassion.

So do cling to the Lord in prayer, like a child who loves to honor his loving parents, who loves to write them letters, who loves to talk to them about anything and everything. Persevere in this unceasing act of intimate affection, of filial praise, of joyous communication. This gift of prayer is truly a blessing to us. Pray always! Stay close to God, and He will in turn stay close to you… as close as you pull Him to your adoring heart.

God is gain. If we have Him, we have everything.

Persevere in loving prayer. This is joy.

 

604: once again truly need your prayers guys, sorry im asking so much lately but if you really could spare a minute to put everything down and pray for me i would be so grateful

 

Praying for you with great compassion in my heart. 🙏 God hears you and He sees you, you are always in His thoughts, He loves you immeasurably especially when you feel the most hopeless. His mercy endures forever. You are precious to Him, He created You on purpose and with joy. However weak you feel, He will be your strength. He will guide you through life until you come home to Him at the end. No matter what shadows menace, He holds you close. Your soul is safe in His profound protection. Trust this! It is amazing, but it is true. He is in control and all His purposes are good. You can rest in His Heart knowing this.

Many prayers for you dear friend. We are grateful you exist. ❤

"You must bear the spiritual infirmities of your brother gladly, and without annoyance. For when someone is physically ill, we are not only not annoyed with him, but we are exemplary in our care for him; we should also set an example in cases of spiritual illness."
-St. Moses of Optina

 

 

Love your “enemy”– for he is pitiably sick, and prayerful love in action is the best medicine you can offer him.

So love always. Love everyone. Love in everything you do and say and think and feel. You never know what responding capacity for love you will help bloom in another soul.
 

"Pay attention to my gaze. You know that you never leave my sight. If only you could see how I gaze on you, with such love, tenderness, and desire! This gaze, attentive to your innermost choices, ever-benevolent, encouraging, is always ready to sustain and help you! But hear this! You must encounter my loving gaze in faith, desire it in hope, and cherish it in love."
- Jesus, to Fr. Gaston Courtois

 

Pay attention to Him with everything you are. Nothing else matters.
Do not let His Love go unrequited!!

 

"Grace me with the vision of your face, O Word, with the enjoyment of your ineffable beauty. Allow me to contemplate and find my delight in your vision—ineffable vision, invisible vision, awesome vision . . . the reflection of your divine glory, which allows itself to be seen as a simple light, a light most sweet."
-St. Symeon the New Theologian
 

How inexpressibly blessed we are to be able to look upon Our Lord while here on earth-- while we are still yet miserable sinners! Do we realize how amazing of a privileged grace this is? Do we take advantage of this glimpse of Heaven as it is so freely given? What bliss! What mercy! What love!

Pause and let it sink in: we have the opportunity to contemplate the Face of God, and to not die from it. How lukewarm we have been in our response to such overwhelming mercy and love. We should run to adore Christ Present in the Most Blessed Sacrament. We should prioritize this above all else. But Jesus instead waits in nearly empty churches for us-- for you. He looks at the empty pews and seeks YOUR face, specifically. He loves you. He waits for you. Why do we forget this? Has the weight of that truth ever really pierced our hearts?

Lord, call us still. Call us back to You. Let us still enjoy this profound grace-- the grace to see Your Face, and there find all beauty and truth and glory and sweetness-- the full exultation of heaven veiled in that simple white Host.

Pray Saint Symeon's prayer with all your soul. Say every word with sincerity. Seek the grace to imitate and truly feel that same ardent devotion.

Heaven is the incomparable joy of the Beatific Vision. If the expectation of that honestly fills our hearts with longing love, we should rejoice at this foretaste here on earth, and seek to participate in it whenever possible.