aug 2020 faithposting

[prismaticbleed]

I honestly nearly died last night, and I felt like this the whole time, and since then. In wracking pain, I could not hear God. I could not feel Him through my convulsing agony. The night passed in slow, sickening silence, with little relief from sleep, all attempts at prayer choked dry. It was hell. I felt like I had finally exhausted God's patience. With the real possibility of death before me, I was acutely aware of my utter wretchedness, of the staggering extent of my sins, of the corrupt and evil heart still floundering about in my chest. I was convinced that God had abandoned me.
But I survived. God brought me through it nevertheless. I'm still struggling to recover and God still feels light-years away, and I still fear that His righteous rage and hatred is focused on me like a laser. I'm so distraught, I feel so afraid and lost and alone and hopeless.
And then something like this shows up.

...Thank you. Lord have mercy on me a sinner. But if He is calling me, then please Lord, turn up the volume, and give me the grace to return home... me, your poor prodigal daughter.


...I do forget that His love is beyond what my self-loathing (which is quite a lot of noise) can ever comprehend, and that His Presence is constant even if my poor senses cannot perceive Him.

I am truly grateful that so many sinners have been delivered from death into a deeper knowledge of God. In my deliverance, I will ever more strongly strive to remember His love for me, too.

 

 

"A person should have a firm personality that is not swept along in the direction of the world. A little fish is capable of resisting the current and swimming against it because it has life, where is a great block of timber, which is hundreds of times bigger than the fish, can be washed away with the current, since it has no will. So, have a strong personality, and this will help you to repent. The apostle says: “Do not be conformed to this world“ (Rom. 12:2)."
-Pope Shenouda III

 

This gives me such hope. Yes, I may be just a weak and feeble little fish, but I have life! God has given me life! And so for His sake, although I am a tiny thing, I must have a strong heart, and use this life for His glory.
The thought that a “strong personality” helps one to repent is a groundbreaking thought for me. But it is true. A weak personality gets washed along and cannot repent, for repentance requires one to resist the current of the world, to stand firm in opposition to its lies! One needs a strong heart to keep returning to God, to keep fighting the vicious waves of sin no matter how repeatedly they try to drown us.
Do not envy the great and stately timbers, for they are fallen trees, and are utterly helpless against the raging rivers despite their apparent stature. But you, little fish of God, you have life in Him, and you can always return home to Him, no matter how far you may have been washed away before. Just keep swimming.

 

spiritualinspiration: Are you believing God for something that seems to be taking a long time? In the natural, you may have every reason to give up on what God has placed in your heart. At times, you may be tempted to get discouraged, but remember, God knows exactly where you are. He knows the desires He’s placed within you. He knows even the hidden dreams — what the scripture calls the secret petitions of your heart. Those are the things that you haven’t told anyone about. Maybe you thought they would never work out, or you’ve buried them because they didn’t happen on your timetable. But God still has a way to bring them to pass.

Be encouraged today because God is working behind the scenes on your behalf. Delight yourself in Him — find joy in serving Him and make your heart moldable in His hands. Don’t settle for mediocrity because God knows what’s in you, and His plan is to finish the work He began in you when you delight yourself in Him!
 

I prayed to God for deliverance for an abusive situation for ten years. Ten years! And I told no one BUT Him, either, out of great fear. So I felt very alone, very unsure, doubting often whether or not God even heard me. But then, completely out of the blue one day, God DID get me out, and when He did, it was in a way and at a time that ensured I would never end up in that situation again. But that would have been impossible at any other point prior. I didn’t know that while I was praying. But He heard me. And He was going to answer me. I just never considered that there wasn’t a “proper time”, expecting an immediate response. God doesn’t always do that! But He hears, and He knows, and He acts, behind the scenes for years to make sure everything turns out for our highest good.

And so I remind myself of that a lot. I was absolutely tempted to discouragement and despair during that awful decade. But I knew that God couldn’t possibly want such a vicious situation to persist in the life of someone who sincerely loved Him, however feebly. And He didn’t. But the waiting was for my highest good, too.

Perhaps this is a different application of this faith message than was originally intended. But it’s just as powerful and true. Don’t settle for anything less than a God-saturated life! If something is holding you back from your full Christian potential, pray for deliverance! Pray fervently and constantly! If God doesn’t seem to answer right away– if He doesn’t seem to answer for years– keep praying with unflinching trust in Him anyway! Your faith is what allows Him to work in His time, in your life. Trust in His Goodness, which cannot fail. Trust in His Faithfulness, which endures forever. And trust in His Love, which embraces us always, even in our darkest days. Your Father hears your prayers. Rest in that, if nothing else. He hears you, and He loves you.

“We often confuse unconditional love with unconditional approval. God loves us without conditions but does not approve of every human behavior. God doesn’t approve of betrayal, violence, hatred, suspicion, and all other expressions of evil, because they all contradict the love God wants to instill in the human heart. Evil is the absence of God’s love. Evil does not belong to God.

God’s unconditional love means that God continues to love us even when we say or think evil things. God continues to wait for us as a loving parent waits for the return of a lost child. It is important for us to hold on to the truth that God never gives up loving us even when God is saddened by what we do. That truth will help us to return to God’s ever-present love.”

- Henri Nouwen

This is an extremely vital distinction that many people tend to miss– and in doing so, we damage both our relationship with God, and with our fellow struggling sinners on earth. Loving someone does not require approval of their poor life choices. Love means we see the value of their soul beyond those evils, and we wait for the healing and freedom of that soul, for its return to the state of pure love it was created both for and by. If we erroneously think that we can’t love if we don’t approve, we lose our ability to help the lost return home, and our own conscience will begin to decay. Furthermore, we will completely misunderstand the nature of God!

So remember this powerful distinction. God loves us, always, but He still hates the sins we commit. He disapproves of our poor choices, and rightly so, but He still loves us with an unwavering and ardent love… and He will never stop waiting for us to come home to Him, the Father watching for His prodigal children from the road, His arms and heart ever open to receive us with tearful joy.

 

"We have, it must be admitted, a use for anger excellently implanted in us for which alone it is useful and profitable for us to admit it, namely, when we are indignant and rage against the lustful emotions of our heart, and are vexed that the things which we are ashamed to do or say before men have risen up in the lurking places of our heart, as we tremble at the presence of the angels, and of God Himself, who pervades all things everywhere, and fear with the utmost dread the eye of Him from whom the secrets of our hearts cannot possibly be hid."

- From Book 8 of the Institutes by Saint John Cassian
 

 

I feel it is important to reiterate that this sole holy use of anger is internal, and does not rage outwards– and it is sparked by the fear and love of God, not by devilish self-destructive hatred! To loathe sin and be ashamed of it is good and desirable; to loathe ourselves is not, for Christ loves us and does not want our destruction. He died to redeem us, so live in that hope, and let your love for Him kindle the righteous anger against those sins that pierce His Merciful Heart with such sorrow!