tumblr faithposting: february 2021

[prismaticbleed]

Dear followers,

I once again beg you for spiritual advice and clarity.

I am struggling with great despair. I am currently convinced, terrifyingly, that God hates me due to my “being made of evil” and my many repetitive sins. I keep seeing the devil’s number, and every time I open the Bible to read a verse it is about damnation, punishment, and eternal death. My soul feels corroded and filthy. I cannot feel the Presence of God, nor can I hear Jesus anymore. It’s all cursing and shouting devils. Even my sleep is plagued by horrific nightmares about hell.

I am so scared. I feel that my final judgment has been passed. But I need God’s grace TO be good and obedient; I am so wretched I CANNOT do anything but sin. I am hopeless. I have become so selfish, hot-headed, cold-hearted, and stupid. How did this happen?? Is this the real me? I feel like God is so utterly disgusted by my lukewarm hypocritical excuse for faith that He has slammed the door, spit me out of His mouth, said “I do not know you” and thrown me into the dark to wail and sob forever.

I apologize for such an ugly post on such a beautiful day. But I cannot enjoy the beauty of creation today when my monstrous existence is tainting it by even looking out the window. All around me I see the consequences of my sins. I cannot bear it.

I need help, desperately, and right now I don’t know how to pray. I’m afraid and this is the only thing I can do right now.

I do not deserve anything but revulsion. And yet here I am begging for scraps of compassion, pleading for mercy. I cannot help it. My state is intolerable. I have this last dreg of hope and that’s it.

The Resurrection of Lazarus (La résurrection de Lazare), James Tissot

 

I love this depiction so much. Look at the body language of Jesus compared to everyone else! It’s so striking.

Martha & Mary are both wide-eyed in fear, one falling back in genuine shock, the other stunned speechless. Those gathered behind Christ, dramatically lit, are also visibly perplexed and agitated, mouths agape, their faces ghastly. Lazarus himself, a dead man now living again, reaches out almost blindly with one bandaged arm and raises the other above his eyes– a clear gesture of wonder, of utter amazement. His expression, too, although unafraid, is still intense with emotion, his bright eyes and open mouth almost childlike in their rebirthed joy.

And then there is Jesus. The only figure in a stable position, vertical like a shaft of light, wreathed by a doorway like a portal to heaven itself, he stands in transcendent white like the resurrected Lazarus below, with only his peaceful face and powerful hand highlighted by singular shocks of mysteriously Incarnate red. His other hand is resting gently on rock, His feet are moving calmly yet encouragingly forwards as if to greet a friend, His body as a whole– as well as the luminous folds of His robe– are pointed in the direction of the rising dead, and yet He is still obviously unmoving, anchored on the steps, unshakable.

Lazarus faces an unseen light, its beauteous yet blinding gleam washing over the rest of the scene with a shockingly unnatural glare, an unexpected underlight that turns all other faces into hollow skulls– except for Jesus. The light is somehow soft on Him, but it does not soften the strength of His expression, which is notably solemn and serious amidst the likely shrieking crowd. Thus, here, where we may be seeking the comfort of a smile on our Savior’s face, to match the brightness of Lazarus, of the miracle occurring at His Word, we must instead recall a significant detail… Jesus has just been weeping. He is not smiling, not now, because until this very moment His friend has been dead. Lazarus has been in the tomb for four days, and although Hope Himself has now come to lift him out again, that Hope cannot fully manifest unless it has faced the threat of despair. We all know this. What is hope, if not for what we cannot see? What could we hope for, if we had nothing yet out of reach? No one but Christ truly believed He could do anything. Magdalene was distraught, Martha wavered even after professing her faith in Him, and others openly mocked Him! Christ did not despair, but everyone else did. Yes, Jesus knows very well that death has no power over Him, and He even proclaimed it openly prior to this scene, but above and beyond the doubt surrounding Him is the simple truth that this fact has not yet affected Lazarus, not until this very depicted moment, and so a special sort of grief has its very tender and proper place in the heart and eyes of Christ. He does not condemn human emotion. Yes, He condemns their lack of faith, but He empathizes with their pain nevertheless. Death still exists, however conquered it may be in the end. Yes, Lazarus will rise, but he is dead now, and for the honest sake of that moment we grieve. He grieves. This is profound. His tears for His dead friend speak volumes, as they were shed by Life Incarnate, even only minutes before the tomb would be opened. And thus His face here reflects that lingering truth, that divinely loving sorrow that motivated such a miraculous intervention, that single sentence– Jesus wept– that can change our lives just as much as they did the life of Lazarus.

Our own ‘resurrections’ in this life might not always be pretty, but they are blessed, and they are joyous. Jesus may not be smiling as He calls with thundering voice– “Lazarus, come out!”– but He loves us with an infinite love even then. He may not embrace us as we rise, covered in bandages and dusty from the grave, but He holds us tenderly in His Heart even then. Jesus brought life to the dead even through His own tears, even despite the disbelief of all around Him. He can do the same for you. If we believe in Him, we, too, can see the glory of God. There is always hope.

Collect for the Crown of Thorns - Friday after Ash Wednesday
 

Grant, we beseech Thee, almighty God, that we who for remembrance of the pas-sion of our Lord Jesus Christ do reverence His Crown of thorns on earth may deserve to be crowned with glory and honour in heaven by Him Who liveth and reigneth with thee.

“Soberbia” means pride, grandeur, worldly magnificence, arrogance… it is the strut of the peacock, it is the hand-fan of sophistry, it is the decadent fashion from which the devil’s awful claw protrudes. Yet what fate awaits him and his shallow pomp? He is doomed to be trampled underfoot by the Lord, by his angel bearing the true sign of powerful glory– the Crown of Thorns! O what a wondrous paradox: that God’s own Son was pleased to be dignified by suffering, to show His nobility through humiliations, to conquer through submission to the mysterious yet loving authority of His Father! This Crown now becomes His gift to all His children who wish to conquer the devil’s vices in their own lives. Let us all become accustomed to its beloved stings during this Holy Lent, that we may be more truly outfitted to join Him in carrying His Cross.

“A religion is not the church a man goes to but the cosmos he lives in.”

G.K. Chesterton

Modern society doesn’t seem to comprehend this. Religion is not an accessory, an interest, or something you do on weekends. Religion is the air that our heart breathes. It animates us entirely and colors our thoughts, emotions, and actions. Religion directs our dreams, fears, motives, and pursuits. Religion explains our life, our death, and what comes after. And it does all this by explaining to us our proper relationship to God, and by extension, to His Creation, especially our fellow man.

Religion is, indeed, the cosmos we live in– the order to our chaos, the grand and beautiful design that holds all things together. Religion, like love, is a state of being.

Do you recognize this? Do you honor religion so? Or do you treat it fatally lightly? Indeed, if you have no religion, what, then, is the cosmos you live in? Or do you let this chaotic world determine that for you?

“By His Resurrection, Christ conquered sin and death, destroyed Satan’s dark kingdom, freed the enslaved human race and broke the seal on the greatest mysteries of God and man.”

—St Nikolaj Velimirovic

The Harrowing of Hell– its fact, and its depictions– mean so much to my weary soul. As someone plagued daily by demons of mental illness, I frequently feel as if I am genuinely in a sort of pseudo-hell while still on earth. Therefore, I just as frequently cry out to my God, my merciful and loving Lord, to “come and harrow this hell I am in”– to break it up entirely, to disturb its very nature by entering it and thus to deliver me into His infinitely consoling arms.

It is a simple, strange, desperate prayer, but it is a powerful one. And it has not once gone unanswered. 🙏

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My grandma has the news on and they just had an ad for an upcoming film, and I am in shock, in tears and trying hard not to legitimately vomit.

We Catholics NEED to speak out and stand strong against films like this-- films that are horrifically offensive towards the Catholic Faith, and serve to not only undermine its integrity in culture, but also blatantly attack it at its heart. This is sick. Hollywood needs to stop waging war against Christ, especially as it simultaneously promotes and praises new-age, paganistic religions and any other spiritual mindset that supports or cooperates with it in turn.

DO NOT watch such films. Don't even watch the commercials. Avert your eyes; safeguard your heart against such toxic imagery and ideas. Pray. Pray fervently for the conversion of sinners and this country, for defense and healing of the Church, and especially in reparation for sins committed against the Sacred and Immaculate Hearts!!