phone entries = apr 2025

[prismaticbleed]

041425

 
confession notes from today=

When struggling with extreme emotion/ impulsivity due to fear+panic, OFFER THAT IMMEDIATE MOMENT UP TO GOD and ASK HIM TO TURN IT INTO A PRAYER. Literally give all you've got to Him. And KEEP DOING IT. Sit in that awful emotion but GIVE IT TO GOD and don't turn away from Him. Make it your Gethsemane.

Also, do an examen at the end of each day, and when looking at events/ moments/ thoughts/ feelings/ actions/ etc., ask= did that bring me CLOSER to God? Or did it push me AWAY from God? HOW SO, in each instance? Be CLEAR and SPECIFIC.

For example, I used to fear that my eating disorder actually brought me CLOSER to God because all the pain/ fear/ suffering/ etc. DROVE ME TO FRANTIC DESPERATE PRAYER and so those hours would be spent largely hysterically praying and/or watching/ listening/ reading RELIGIOUS things. But THOSE THINGS ARE NOT "INHERENT" TO THE DISORDER.
What was actually "driving me closer to God" was SUFFERING? and CONTRITION? and the DESIRE TO STOP THE DISORDERED BEHAVIOR? because when the worldly "Jess" mindset takes over that likes to eat, SHE DOESN'T PRAY. SHE DOESN'T CARE. That's why when we're eating with the family we basically become a HEATHEN SLOB. There is a HUGE DIFFERENCE.


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042425

WHO IS MY ENEMY?
WHY DO I SEE THEM AS OPPONENTS?
HOW CAN I LOVE AND SERVE THEM?
WHAT EXCUSES AM I MAKING?


MOM
She's STILL somehow an enemy. WHY.
I hate going up her house. "Loving her" = doing work for her assumedly? But it's SO STUPID??? IT'S JUST MOVING JUNK AROUND & WASTING TIME??
How do I know that for sure? Can I "serve God not people" even in doing such pointless labor? How can I do this without feeling like I'm ENABLING bad habits like hoarding? Or is that MY EXCUSE for not wanting to be at that HOUSE?
⭐ALSO I "HATE" MY PAST & DON'T WANT TO GO BACK, I WANT TO DISOWN IT, BUT SHE (AND THAT HOUSE) "INCARNATES" IT.
Is THAT a root of the hate??

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