oct 20 2015

[prismaticbleed]

Last night we had an interesting dream.
Most of it was in the evening (autumn sort; gets dark but not “nighttime” dark), in somewhat foggy/rainy weather, all overcast. The mother was trying to forcibly send us to a mental hospital? She was being very mean. I clearly remember her dragging us over this very wet grass, all little hills, with what looked like a labyrinthine hedge maze immediately to our right. I was sobbing and told her to let go, I didn't want to be dragged and I didn't like being touched by that, but I was so distraught that when she wouldn't comply I actually pulled her grip off my arm and, stumbling hard, started to run away as fast as I could. She didn't follow-- I dont know if she was shocked or just didnt care what I did-- but I was still hiccuping with tears and trying to escape. Unfortunately I was very disoriented and weak, and the hilly wet terrain was too difficult to navigate like that, so I ended up falling to my knees and half-crawling. We crawled like this over the wet ground until we reached the nearest building, which was to our left and half-hidden by hedges, but across from it was the mental hospital? We didn't know if we should go near it, but we knew the mother was after us and we needed to get away from there in general so for some reason we called CELEBI, to send us “through time” or something to when the mother left?? But she SHOWED UP. Do you have any idea how IMPORTANT that is, to call someone in a dream—especially a stressful one—and have them ACTUALLY be able to appear? So that's really notable.
Anyhow, she did 'move us through time,' but it must have been timelines instead, because what happened was we got a really funky feeling in our head, and the entire world around us shifted to look differently. The hospital became an entirely different building, and I was going to run in there when I had the strong impression that the mother had "caught up to us" in the "time" we had just left? And our body was still anchored there so she might find us? I don't know, but I had to "go back" and felt my mind kind of "fall back into" that original place, the scenery switching again, and indeed I saw the mother run up from the hedges to the right (which were still there) and start furiously banging on the front doors of the hospital. I don't know if she was answered or not, but I turned around and started to sneak away.
However, I think Cel told me to "go inside" instead? It was starting to storm heavily now, with thunder rumbling all around us, and apparently the building we were leaning against was safe, or at least, a good place to hide for now. The entire side I was at was all flat and brown, with one very unmarked door hidden in it. So I went in.
Surprisingly, inside, it looked like the String Shop! Now, that shop—our childhood home, basically— is now a super nice bakery IRL. This dream was the first time we’ve dreamed of it AS that, after only having been there twice! But it was lovely. It looked slightly different, being set up more like a restaurant, with a bit more floor space, but otherwise it was very similar. It was packed with people ordering dinner, though (mostly tomato-based stuff I recall).
I went up to the pastry cases and Celebi showed up to float alongside me again. We were wondering what to order and she suggested we get exactly three rum truffles (all that was left) and one whipped-cream fudge cake. So we did.
Around this time I think the mother stormed in from outside-- where it was now fully storming, so heavy rain and lightning was visible through the door-- yelling about something? But we were worried that she "found us," so we turned and ran down the hall.
This part gets blurry as I woke up soon, but we ended up looking through what looked like a store CD rack back there, which instead showed Youtube videos? The "layout" of it in my head felt like pixiv though, which was fitting, as most of the work was Japanese. Anyhow, the vids we ended up watching were "transformation sequences" for an OC work of someone, that was incredibly similar to LG*Girls (the kids would transform with animal partners). What was cool was that the transformations were split-screen until fusion occurred, which I liked as an idea. The art was gorgeous, as was the music, and I recall tearing up and saying to myself, "this is exactly what I wanted it (LG*Girls) to be." I watched three vids-- I recall one was with a rabbit-- and was completely happy to "let this person use this idea instead of me," as they were doing such a beautiful job. Right around there someone came up to me and interrupted me, and I think it was the brother? Because I remember getting brought back into the main area and I think my mom & brothers were having dinner? It was still storming outside, loudly, and the atmosphere felt more like a disaster shelter than a restaurant now, too dark and anxious. Either way they were there, and I think they were demanding I sit down and eat while the mother lectured me or something (she was still livid), but thankfully the restaurant was still busy enough that Celebi and I were able to hurriedly sneak out the front door. The instant I did I told Celebi I needed to "warp space" "like (she) did before"? As I had noticed it wasn't an actual time switch. But I just wanted to get away from there before the mother came outside and got me. Cel attempted something, and I honestly think that's when I woke up.

 

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@9:20 PM


1020

- at work: waldorf and Javier sitting on the floor in headspace, popping bubble wrap. Just because. Got almost everyone in central to join in.
- laurie, waldorf, and Javier went deep underground to try and find/fight the tar??? And they found it and it started screaming at them and I realized, oh, all that ‘niceness’ in it back when “i” met it in 2011 or so went into Infinitii. All that’s left of the tar now is SHEER HATRED. It’s awfully sticky and thick like melted plastic or taffy and it’s really horrifying. It’s all teeth, mangled and incoherent, there is NO grace of structure like infi—even when ze’s a big monstrosity of fangs and eyes, there’s a fluidity to it. Not so with the tar.
- one of us asked it if it was like it was then, in 2011 or so—when it essentially said “I am what you are not, as a mirror/foil” (again, now infi’s job; talk about a revelation) and it screeched that no, it was not so ‘indirectly benevolent.’ Now it said it knew that we were what it was not, and that it was what we were not, and as a result it HATED us and said “only one of us can exist” therefore it wanted us dead.
- waldorf pulverized it. It jumped at Javier and she just WHACKED it with her hammer, the impact was stunning actually; everyone’s so used to blades that when someone comes in with blunt force, whoa.
- Javier can turn his trident into a lance. Used it as a gold weapon and threw it into the tar; burned through it and left a smoking hole that it could not heal, was melting around it. Laurie took that as a chance to cleave the whole thing in half
- lots of yellow tape at work today (had to prep a door for caulking) so Josephina showed up and stuck around, which was nice. I miss him a lot.
- mulberry fronted while driving and according to her overlay she has stubble. Yes as in facial hair. This is not surprising actually as she is genderqueer. Gonna have to use ze/hir pronouns for hir from now on (she says she doesn’t mind but appreciates the thought)
- she and sherlock are still total bffs, also yes mulberry does have glasses too when she wants
- eating disorder resurgence today? someone ate sugar to the point where the body was actually so heavily nauseous we couldn’t help vomiting and then we couldn’t stop. so that was rather frightening.
- also resurgence of the religion/sexuality nightmare topic, it’s the most tangled thing up here, because it is ALSO tied to blood and hearts and such, thanks bizarre childhood. We swore we’d talk about this in therapy Thursday and that’s kind of inevitable anyway because she decided to read 1013’s entry first, which brings up the topic however slightly. God I want to vomit just thinking of discussing it; I don’t like this stuff but I can feel how mangled it is in here, how many alters hold drastically different things, how wires get crossed, how programs blind people, how fear blinds people, how dissociation makes everything worse… et cetera. And then the RELIGION comes in and just makes it all the more difficult to decipher. We really should have a xanga about this.
- briolette is unfortunately going to have to be returned; her touchpad is a NIGHTMARE and she keeps freezing and the keyboard input is iffy. Plus no lighted keys and missing a lot of buttons that scherzando had. so yeah she’s a sweet girl but it’s not going to work out
- still profoundly depressed. Aching deep down, it’s so sad.
- still sleep-depriving ourselves too, I’m too sad and frustrated by this laptop glitching nonstop to try anymore, I’m just going to go to bed.
- cel told me today she wants to come back. I’ll keep you posted.