092324

[prismaticbleed]

✳ A PROBLEM with asserting BASIC NEEDS: I'M USED TO MOM'S RESPONSES to my attempts. The OTHER problem is that SHE HAS A POINT! I DON'T (DIDN'T?) KNOW HOW TO "PROPERLY" MEET THOSE NEEDS IN A WAY THAT DOESN'T BECOME ALL-ENCOMPASSING & RITUALLY INFLEXIBLE? And I WANT TO BE FREE & FLEXIBLE BECAUSE I NEED TO LIVE FOR REAL, and that REQUIRES HELPING OTHERS & BEING CREATIVE & ACTUALLY HAVING THE PSYCHIC LIBERTY TO MEET & ADAPT TO UNEXPECTED ADVENTURES AS THEY APPEAR. And so, when mom complains that she can't do anything with me because I'm "ALWAYS EATING" or "PREPARING TO EAT," SHE'S RIGHT. I've been using MEALS/ PREP as an "OCD" RITUALISTIC-CYCLE FOCUS because EATING IS A REAL NEED and so I "CAN JUSTIFY IT" if pressed & therefore PERPETUATE THE CYCLE. It would STAY SECURE & STABLE. But it was a PRISON. I was TRAPPED in a cage of my own design, convinced it was "comfortable" and "safe" and "necessary FOR my mental health," but it was KEEPING ME FRAGILE, "frozen" in a loop, unable to GET OUT of the wheel ruts & ACTUALLY BLAZE A NEW TRAIL OF RECOVERY, to TAKE THE CHAINS OFF and FIGHT THE GOOD FIGHT! And as overly simple as it sounds, ALL THAT BEGINS with LITTLE CHOICES FOR TRUTH & VIRTUE, RIGHT NOW. It means "keeping my loins girt & lamp trimmed," READY & WAITING & WATCHING for CHRIST-- because His coming IS RIGHT NOW, IN ME, AS HIS BAPTIZED CHILD & MEMBER OF HIS BODY, AS A TEMPLE OF HIS SPIRIT. And... a Temple is a place of PUBLIC WORSHIP & SACRIFICE. A Body is a UNITED WHOLE, operating TOGETHER for the COMMON GOOD, & ADAPTING TO ALL CIRCUMSTANCES. The point is FREEDOM FROM SELF, FOR COMMUNITY. I CAN'T DO THAT IN THIS SELFCENTERED JAIL. Listen I WANT TO HELP MY MOM UP THE HOUSE, ANY & EVERY TIME SHE ASKS. I LOVE HER and I WANT TO BE PART OF HER LIFE, NOW, AS SHE NEEDS, ON HER TERMS, WITH MY WHOLE HEART. I WANT TO BE FREE of my stupid control-freak ouroboros hell. I want to be ABLE to WORK & EAT & CELEBRATE with her, WITHOUT "WAITING/ LOOKING FOR THE EXIT" so I can shackle myself back to the bloody wheel. NO. I WANT TO BE FREE TO LOVE!!! free to GIVE & SHARE & FEEL & WAIT & EXPLORE & EMBRACE & CONNECT WITH OTHERS! And it SOUNDS ridiculous but STEP ONE is LETTING GO OF FOOD RULES. If you AREN'T "waiting to get back home so I can do my food rituals" and ARE INSTEAD LIBERATED by TRUST IN GOD'S PROVIDENCE to EAT WHAT IS SET IN FRONT OF YOU, WHENEVER & WHEREVER THAT HAPPENS, then your focus & energy & effort can ALL BE REDIRECTED TO PEOPLE, IN CHARITY, FOR GOD'S GLORY. ...and step one of love is to embrace "chaos."

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✳ Thin = "insignificant" = "not worth taking up space," frail, helpless, weak, useless, need to be protected? "can't do anything on my own," "invisible," "crushed/ stamped out/ down"
✳ "Something has to DIE for me to live" (food) and "I'm tired of being a cause of death" (MONSTER)
✳ STARVATION IS SUICIDE. Anorexia = "I have no right to exist" / "I shouldn't be alive because I'm feeding off others by existing"; "if I don't eat & die, everyone else will be better off/ EAT & LIVE"
✳ I DON'T ACTUALLY WANT TO BE THIN. I HATE THIS FRAILTY. But I'm SCARED to look in the mirror and see toothpick arms & legs, to see hollow cheeks & sunken ribs & a concave stomach on the worst days. I'm literally wasting away & that's TERRIFYING. I WANT TO LIVE. I WANT TO GET BIG & STRONG & MUSCULAR & ALIVE!! So... why do I keep wanting the number on the scale to drop? What's that about? Am I DISASSOCIATING the weight number from my increasingly skeletal body? Why the heck do you "WANT' to be 87 pounds??? Is it all just some sort of passive self-erasure? Are you crying out for help? Your subconscious is OBVIOUSLY trying to communicate something of desperate importance, because something in there IS scared of the body getting bigger, EVEN BY MUSCLE GAIN. And that's BIZARRE. I WANT to be a TANK if I can. I WANT to be a strong warrior to HELP & PROTECT & FIGHT FOR OTHERS. And yet, there IS STILL this unknown hidden buried terror that "wants to lose more weight." Why? You DO REALIZE that by BOTH STARVING & OVEREXERTION (ironically), this poor body is ONLY LOSING "WEIGHT" because IT IS LITERALLY EATING ITSELF ALIVE. It's SO HUNGRY and you WON'T FEED IT because you WANT to "BE" FOOD so HERE'S THE IRONIC END RESULT. You CANNOT GIVE what you DON'T HAVE. You STILL NEED TO EAT, by GOD'S DESIGN, and your poor body WILL autophage you to death if you refuse to let it partake of the rest of Creation. Resisting the LORD'S plan for LIFE in GENERAL will INEVITABLY KILL YOU. But you CAN CHOOSE LIFE, RIGHT NOW, BY COMMITTING YOURSELF TO EAT ENOUGH OF GOD'S LIFE-GIFTS TO BE FULL ENOUGH TO SHARE IT. YOU'RE CURRENTLY TOO EMACIATED TO CARRY ANY GIFTS IN THOSE FEEBLE LIMBS. You can either be an ICICLE or SANTA CLAUS, kiddo!! CHOOSE JOY & GENEROSITY.

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✳ Julie, Laurie, Lynne, & I were discussing CHOCOLATE in the hallway, both WHY we STILL fear it & HOW to REDEEM it by DISCERNING & HONORING the GOD-CREATED GOOD AT ITS HEART. Julie said it's an "aphrodisiac," boosting desire. But GOD meant desire to LEAD TO HIM, because God ALSO meant sex to be HOLY, UNITIVE, & LIVEGIVING, a REFLECTION of TRINITARIAN LOVE (SELFGIVING) & GOD'S MARRIAGE TO HIS CREATION/ PEOPLE!! So, if chocolate boosts desire, it's boosting our ability/ openness TO enter into that selfgiving love? Think of Valentine's Day! Desire says, "what is desirable is GOOD, and WORTHY of being UNITED with in MUTUALLY GIVING LOVE," because ALL true unity IS Love. GOD "DESIRES" US, AFTER ALL-- it's WHY HE CREATED US, & BECAME MAN!! So, think of THAT when you eat chocolate! God gave it the capacity to help inflame our cold hearts with the warmth of relationship & goodness seen & treasured. It's SWEET & RICH, symbols of heaven's wealth. AND Laurie reminded us, it has ANTIOXIDANTS, which FIGHT DEATH/ DECAY & PRESERVE LIFE/ HEALTH! It ALSO has CAFFEINE, which KEEPS YOU ALERT-- like your SOUL must be, always awake to God! No wonder we eat chocolate at Easter! It's ALL ABOUT LIFE & LOVE & RELATIONSHIP & AWAKENING. Thank God for snack wisdom!!

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8PM snack revealed that our mealdata-recall problem is MIRRORING TRAUMA. In moments where we feel SO UNSAFE/ IN DANGER that we hit "HYPER FOCUS," THAT DATA STICKS, ALONG WITH THE FEELINGS OF FEAR/ DANGER???

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✳ SIT WITH your emotions, NOT THROUGH THEM. HOLD THEM & FEEL THEM. They're REAL & they EXIST for a REASON and they are IMPORTANT and they TRULY CARE ABOUT YOU. Dude ANXI IS YOUR GIRLFRIEND. HOLD HER FOR HEAVEN'S SAKES!!