121523

[prismaticbleed]

5 hours of sleep and a hellish night BUT WE'RE STILL GOING TO CHURCH SON!!!

Managed to exercise despite headache and fatigue. Thank You God for giving us the new music referrals from our choral daylist, it was perfect for the Mysteries today.

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Evening =
Tumblr distracted after BK, but stayed on Christian & poetry blogs so it would be edifying.
BROKE DOWN IN SOBS over this poem
https://www.tumblr.com/tambuli/715470835329138688/source-el-huddpudd-for-your-poetry-tag


Night =
Bone tired. On couch with Chaos 0, Laurie & Mimic upstairs, as I'm reading old 2022 entries & listening to Spotify.
Shuffle was actually playing Mimic tunes which was nice. Best part though? Mimic being so half-asleep that he was quietly humming along to "hot sugar" (which is still inexplicably his tune. i think it's the synths)

Mimic briefly ghosting, sat down by couch. Wordlessly held out one hand, not looking at me, but I saw the faint smile. I took his hand and I SWEAR I could physically feel it.

He stood up to leave and I looked at him and sleepily but sincerely said "hey, I love you."
He actually smiled, and replied, "i know."
And then, "I love you too."

Now I was the one to smile. Slowly, lighting up my face like sunrise. all i could say was, "thank you."


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KVOTD = Luke 7:9, our beloved Centurion.
"Jesus cares about our faith, not our accomplishments."
Worldly honor & accolades mean nothing to Him. Jesus marvels at our FAITH, not our resumé or trophy shelf or portfolio... neither public prestige, nor private prodigy. Jesus only cares about our faith in Him.
So the verse questions say we NEED to do three things=
1. TO FOCUS LESS ON OUR ACCOMPLISHMENTS.
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2. To remember that Jesus came to save everyone, not just the successful elite. He also came to save the useless failures, the disappointments, the stupid idiots-- and not only that, He LOVES us, just as much as He loves the smart and beautiful people He also came to save.

3. To truly believe in "Jesus's ability to do the impossible." We must "trust Him with the impossible needs in our life," believing that there is nothing He cannot do-- and why? BECAUSE WE BELIEVE HE IS GOD. He will "work and move in marvelous ways" in response to our "marvelous faith."
But why is there a disconnect for you here, specifically between God and "doing the impossible"? Is it simply because you feel using that word is a subtle refusal of God's omnipotence? Then change your vocabulary. Or is the fear even more subtle? Are you afraid that GOD has "deemed it impossible," solely because He doesn't want to do it? Why is THAT always your instinctive image of God??? Does that SOUND like the God of the Bible that you love? NO! You're skewing everything!
Did you already forget the reflection from the other day, about needs? If God doesn't fulfill it, guess what? IT'S NOT A NEED. That should be a HUGE RELIEF for you!!
Listen. Open your darn ears and heart and LISTEN for once.
God is a loving Father. God is your Protector, your Savior, your Redeemer. God's NAME is LOVE-- go reread Exodus 34! His Name is Mercy and Grace and Fidelity and Justice! He is the God of all Truth and Righteousness, of all Peace and Joy! And this One True God has revealed His Character to us perfectly in the Heart of His Beloved Son JESUS CHRIST, WHO WILLINGLY DIED THE MOST BRUTAL DEATH IN YOUR PLACE IN ORDER TO SAVE YOU FROM DEATH FOREVER.
And you're really gonna sit here and tell me "God doesn't want to help me?" Are you daft?
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Just some thoughts on the guided prayer.
I love how it says "You BELONG to the God Who sent His Son to rescue you." There's profound comfort in that, so much it makes my heart ache.


I want to reflect on this prayer=
"Holy Spirit, thank you for your guidance. Each day, you help me to become more like Jesus in my character, speech, and actions. Empower me to remember and obey the teachings of Jesus to contribute to the flourishing of those around me."
1) You've gotta ACTIVELY THANK THE HOLY SPIRIT TOO, not just the Father and the Son!! They're All together, in both work AND Being, so don't leave Him out!
2) The Holy Spirit's main job is to make us more like Jesus. That's the honest ultimate end of ALL His reminders & nudges & corrections. His goal is the inherent goal of ALL Christian life-- to be remade in the image of the New Adam, to be a part of His Body in truth.
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3) We don't just "act like Jesus", we must also TALK like Him. But our words & actions can't just be "Jesus-esque." We can't just talk & act "LIKE" Him. We have to do those things IN Him, WITH Him, as shocking as that is-- because as His Church, we are part OF Him!!
And how do we do this? THROUGH THE HOLY SPIRIT.
That's what really stuns me-- we CANNOT live "as Christians" by our own power or will. We CANNOT "imitate Christ" by our own efforts & imagination. That's what makes us "like Him," but in the way a doll is like a person. We're a cheap knockoff if we think our proudly playacting pantomimes are proof of any participation with the Peasant King.
We must admit that we DON'T know how to act like Jesus... because we don't have His Character. We CANNOT have it; Jesus is GOD!! We are not and can NEVER be God, no matter what the neoreligions claim.
Our literal only hope, then, is for God Himself to infuse our hearts with Himself. That's what the Holy Spirit does.
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4) The Spirit EMPOWERS us TO remember and obey Jesus's teachings! That's a significant word; it implies that without Him, we can't respond to Jesus at all. And this is indeed Biblical.
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5) Christianity is all about relationship. Even our obedience to God is never about us alone; it necessarily involves ALL His other creatures, with whom we share a world and Creator.
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Christians have been chosen by God, through Christ, to be a direct and indispensable part of His Plan to redeem ALL Creation to Himself.
Our adherence to Christ, then, indirectly but inevitably brings His Life to all those around us???
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The closing prayer carries a lot of weight.
"Jesus, with generous love and overwhelming kindness, You came down from heaven to fulfill Your Father's will and save a weary world. Your obedience paved a way for me to draw near to You every day. So please teach me to do Your will. Show me how to lay down my dreams and pick up Yours. Fill me with Your love so that I can pour Your love onto others."
1) Jesus left heaven out of pure love-- for His Father AND for us. I don't reflect on that enough. There wasn't a mote of reluctance or hesitation in it. He wasn't leaving forever, either-- but He WAS going to "change" how "forever" would look from then on out: He was bringing humanity into it. This was what God wanted-- ALL of God, the entire Trinity! God ENTIRELY willed to save this weary world-- to literally step out of painless paradise in order to share our sufferings, in order to heal our hurting hearts and save our souls-- because His LOVE for us was and IS so great that it demanded to give itself to the utmost.
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2) How does Jesus's obedience to His Father pave a way for me to approach Jesus Himself?
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3)


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I was just reading Psalm 116 (inspired from Vespers) and it JUST HIT ME that the OPENING VERSE IS A TRUTH.
I've been reading these Psalms like they're just lyrics, completely ignorant of their divine impetus and expression! I read that opening line like ten times before I realized, wait a second, HE'S LITERALLY DESCRIBING GOD. He's not just singing or talking! EVERYTHING THE PSALMS SAY ABOUT GOD ARE TRUE. That's how the Bible works, you nitwit!!
Here's the essential verse, from several translations =
"I love the LORD, because He listens to my prayers and answers them... He hears my voice; He hears my cry for help and my pleas for mercy. He pays attention to me; He bends down to listen carefully to me, every time I call out to Him for His help."
THAT IS A FACTUAL, REAL, GENUINE, ACCURATE, RELIABLE DESCRIPTION OF WHAT THE LORD OUR GOD IS ACTUALLY LIKE, AND HE NEVER CHANGES. NOT EVEN TOWARDS YOU.
Go print this out at the library and tape it to the living room wall where you will inevitably see it. I'm serious. You NEED to effectively drill this into your brainmatter. You NEED to engrave it into your very bones. You NEED to burn this into your blood, to ignite charity with every heartbeat. IT IS THAT ESSENTIAL TO YOUR PROGRESS IN FAITH & HEALING.
GOD HEARS YOU. GOD IS LISTENING TO YOU CAREFULLY.
"But then what?" That numb and hollow girl replies. "He listens, okay, but I don't know WHY He's listening, or if He's going to do anything in response. Maybe He's going to punish me because I asked, that's why He was listening so carefully, ti find out how much trouble I was in."
Girl your mind is TWISTED beyond belief, let me tell you, and pun sadly intended. YOU listen, honestly so, to how the Psalm continues with the context =
"‭I was trapped, caught in the snares of death, captured by its painful chains... The danger of death was all around me, attacking from all sides; the horrors of the grave closed in on me; the pains of hell got hold of me. I was terrified; filled with fear, worry, and anxiety, overwhelmed by anguish and agony. All I experienced was suffering and grief."
That sounds like you-- we, actually-- could have written it. Do you realize how significant that is? This Psalmist has experienced traumatic darkness just as you have. He can empathize completely. He understands because He has been in the abyss himself. Otherwise he couldn't have written this. Even if your situations weren't exactly the same-- and let's face it, that's literally impossible for ANY two souls, ever, and it doesn't invalidate anything-- the core experience was identical enough in its horror to echo your own laments this closely. Can you accept that?
"...yes, he's describing me." "Us."
And this is Scripture. So don't ever feel ashamed or guilty for expressing your sufferings like this either. Just make sure you continue in the Psalmist's example, and don't stop there... which, honestly, you've never actually done. Here, listen to the very next verse.
"Then I called upon the Name of the LORD, because I knew what kind of God He is. I kept crying out to Him: "Please Lord, I beg you, come and save me! Save my life; deliver my soul; rescue me!" But when I was really hurting, I prayed and said, “Lord, please don't let me die!”"
Does that sound familiar to you?
"......but then what did He do?"
The same thing He has always done for you, if you would only see it, poor beloved.
"‭You are kind, Lord, so good and merciful. You protect ordinary people, and when I was helpless, you saved me, and treated me so kindly that I don't need to worry anymore."
"...He's really like that? The Psalmist isn't exaggerating or making things up?"
The Psalmist is speaking from grateful joy; everything he says is sincere. You can attest to his words, if only you would open your heart a little and look up, to see and feel all that has been for you by that very same merciful and good God.
"..."
Here, let me give you more translations from verse 5. These are ALL FACTS, remember. Don't just skim over them, or superficially read them as mere text. Every word here is a sacred truth, a real and accurate description of the One Holy God Who created everything that is, including you, and Who is made known to us most beautifully and clearly in Jesus. Yes, this therefore describes Him, too, for He IS this same God =
"‭The LORD is holy; He is consistently gracious, righteous, fair, and merciful. Our God is compassionate; our God is so kind and good. He is full of tender love. He always does what is right. Every time He has pity on us, and likes to gives us another chance."
Every translation of that verse is honestly singing for joy & gratitude. It's really moving, and beautiful, to read through them all, realizing that countless voices-- pun intended-- throughout the ages have echoed these truths, because they ARE truths, you realize that? They are unchanging, unmistaken, pure and positive. THIS IS WHAT GOD IS LIKE, WAS LIKE, AND WILL ALWAYS BE LIKE. There are no exceptions, there is no "room for error or alterations." No. You cannot change God. Take comfort in that for heavens sake. No matter how much you fear He will treat YOU differently, He can't. He literally cannot fail to love you, or be merciful to you, or to treat you with compassion. Do you honestly understand that? I'm telling you the truth, THE Truth. You ARE loved, and THIS is what His Love IS like-- not that pagan devil trickster junk that has infected your poor head. That's not love and never can be love. Love IS GOD, and verse five here tells you exactly what He is like.
"...but I don't know the definitions. How can I know how God will actually treat me if I don't know how HE defines those words and acts on them?"
Will verse six help?
"God watches over those who don't realize they are in danger-- the childlike, simple-minded, thoughtless, ordinary, even foolish-- He takes care of those who are naive and untrained in wisdom, who are still learning right from wrong, and don't know what to do. He protects the vulnerable, the helpless, the defenseless, the powerless, and the weak."
God doesn't hate or damn or condemn or even punish you for "being stupid," as you constantly beat yourself up for and mourn about.
"But how do I KNOW I'm not doing evil on purpose? How do I know I'm NOT "foolish" and just evil? I'm not powerless or vulnerable, I'm TOO strong and hard-hearted; I hurt people and myself all the time! I'm not weak, I'm not childlike, I'm not... I'm too... I'm lost."
"God I AM helpless. I have no idea what I'm doing or why I'm doing it. I'm too stupid to be simple. I'm too diseased by sin and crippled by vice. I can't see straight or feel right. I AM defenseless, because I don't even know what I'm fighting anymore. The enemy is me. I'm constantly in danger. Would you still protect me then? If i... wait, that was verse four, wasn't it?"
What is?
"I'm surrounded by danger. I'm trapped in the grave. God, please don't let me die. I have no merits to plead, not even naivete. I have nothing. I'm going to die if you don't save me, and my only hope in the entire universe is verse five."
I think that's the entire point.

"...whats the rest of it? What does... what happens to the weak and foolish and ordinary not special not smart not good people when God protects them? He takes care of them what does that mean"
Let's take a look.
"I was broken, facing death, and God saved me! I was brought low in my great need, helpless and in serious trouble, and He delivered me; I was weak, confused, humbled and discouraged, but He answered me and came to my rescue, giving me victory."
Now remember, this is descriptive. God is One Who Saves. He delivers people; He rescues people. If you're helpless and weak, He'll help you. That's just Who He Is.
"but it says humble, even the priest said I'm not humble, so God won't deliver me."
You're really gonna laserfocus on that, huh. Well I guess it's merited. Do you want to be humble?
"yes!!! pride hurts it makes me sick we don't like it at all."
"I feel like pride is a cancerous tumor in my heart. I know it's there, but I feel like I can't so anything about it. I hate it. I feel stuck, damned to die, doomed to something I don't even want."
Ironically I think that's the pride talking. Pride is the devil, you know. Its not "you". It IS a cancer. YOU'RE a child of God, from baptism-- WAY before you could "decide to be proud," if that's how you're looking at it. God chose YOU, way back then. And ONLY GOD can give you the grace of humility, because He alone is the SOURCE of virtue. You CAN'T do it yourself. THAT'S pride, being as maliciously tricky as ever, making you think that you "have to be humble" through EFFORT, and therefore preventing you from receiving it from God as an unmerited free grace which would destroy the devil's power.
"So... I just... tell God that I'm too proud to be humble, but I hate it and want to change, and He has to do that for me or I'm stuck?"
Basically, yeah. Be reverent in asking, but don't pretend everything is fine. Let Him know you ARE in danger, and helpless, and facing death. You DO need to be rescued. You ARE in great need. And what does God Who Is Love do for people who cry out to Him from that position?
"...He answers. He stoops down and listens. I remember."
Yeah. So don't be afraid. Call out to Him. Trust in this Psalm, if you can't trust anything else yet. Trust the FACTS about God. And bank everything on that.

Here, verse eight is beautiful too.
"‭Now, my heart is calm, confident, and serene. My soul can rest, relax, and be at peace, because the Lord has treated me so kindly; He has been very good to me. He has vindicated me and I don't need to worry anymore. I know that I am safe. I know that God is taking care of me. God has dealt generously with me, and showered me with blessings; The Lord rewards fully all those who simply trust Him."

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