(no subject)

[prismaticbleed]

I feel like such an idiot.

I hate publishing these negative entries but hiding them feels so dishonest. I'll scribble them out until they no longer need to be scribbled out. Suppressing this won't help anyone.


I've been hurting my family with my toxic habits, thoughts, and actions all day today. I am so convinced that I am a filthy wreck that I am incapable of interacting with people, or taking care of myself. I want this to stop.
But there are awful, awful things in my head and I cannot bear the fact. I keep trying to purge them out, smother them, destroy them. But self-rejection doesn't help. The more I try to annihilate parts of myself, the worse the internal war gets. It's just very hard to accept those parts of me when I can't easily separate "acceptance" from "allowance." How do I accept these actively malicious, selfish, arrogant abusers, without effectively saying that what they do is okay? I need to redefine the word "accept."
To 'accept' means to acknowledge that something is there, that it exists. It means not denying it, not fighting its existence tooth and nail. It simply means to see it, and accept that. It does NOT mean letting that thing cause undue pain and suffering to others just because it exists, and therefore 'is allowed to do whatever it wants.'
That's a very hard line for me to draw.


I am so sick. I am in so much pain.
I don't know why this body stores all its screaming anguish in the lower abdomen. It's the same goddamned area that the female shit is in, where those hernias keep happening.
I heard that the alleged "spiritual cause" of these hernias is "self-condemnation." No surprise at all.
I keep shoving horrible things into myself-- self hatred, self damnation, deep judgments of 'uncurable' evilness and corruption. This old conviction that my very existence is a stain on others.
How do I get rid of it, genuinely? This morning I was okay. I read spiritual things for 4+ hours yesterday and obeyed everything I was told. I was tired but I did it. Then this morning I couldn't shake the feeling that I was made of sin.
It's stupid. How do I let go of it, truly? Is it just practice? Repetition?
I'm so tired of feeling like I must have NO self, NO free will, in order to be "good." Yes, the voices tell me the right things to do. But it's so exhausting, and so frustrating, to not be able to get dressed or eat or anything without first asking whether or not I have permission, whether or not it's "right." And so, so few things are.



...I actively tried to kill myself today. I made a concentrated effort.
Laurie stopped me.
I laughed at her. I laughed at her so bitterly it felt like spitting in her face. "Now you show up!! Why the heck do you care now??"
I don't remember what she said. But she didn't let me do it.

I keep wanting to die.
I am so sick of this pain, I am so tired of suffering. But the problem is... this pain will not ever go away until I forgive myself. If I don't stop hating myself so potently, I will never be healed.
I still think this all boils down to the false ego idea. "Self=separate." That's false. BUT in order to eat or talk, I have to take on the ego. When I'm in a universal, "self=unity" mindset, I don't want to eat or talk or be a person at all. I just want to close my eyes and be, not doing anything, forever. You can't do that here though, not for long.

I can't give up. Not as long as my death will kill others, I can't give up.
I'm terrified. I'm so scared and in pain, I want to sob until I throw up, and more, because the terror is bone-deep. This sickness is a result of the sickness I feel towards myself.
I must heal this. I know I can. I will.