july 29th

[prismaticbleed]

Quick update. I need to get back into the habit of writing here.

Therapy today took a lot out of me. It started in a state of almost-suicidal numbness, brought on by exhaustion and psychological fatigue, but then the frustration of it all kicked in and I actually ended up in angry tears as I tried to express just why I felt like I was still half-shackled to a living hell.
I'll summarize. I've been having nightmares again recently, and this morning I had a "hack" one. So that was the last straw. I am really, really tired of dealing with this sexuality issue for most of my life. I am tired.
Laurie literally told me, "throw out everything you've ever learned on that subject," and instead follow what WE have defined upstairs. It's totally different and I don't care what the outside people say anymore; the truth inside doesn't hurt, it's not abusive, and it's based on love. It's not that weird and inelegant half-animalistic stuff people keep trying to get me to adopt.
But I digress. I can't be so bitter. That needs to be healed too. It's just difficult, when my biggest obstacle is STILL the deeply entrenched fear that "if I'm asexual, I am flawed as a human being." Being told as a child that you are a "sin against God" because you're not using your "God-given gift" was bad enough; growing up and hearing that from other spiritual circles after prolonged abuse made it worse.
I don't want to talk about that nonsense though. The problem is, until I heal that mindset-- the one that says "I have to be sexual because that is the only moral choice, regardless of how frightening, painful and insincere it is for me"-- I will never be at peace, not entirely. I still fear going out in public, I still fear being alone, I still fear my own family because that mindset has me CONVINCED, utterly convinced, that corrective rape is just around the corner and it will be God's will.
On my worst days, I literally go about my daily life waiting for it to happen, expecting it from everyone, too numb to care. Some broken part of me just wants it to be over with, for me to be "fixed," so I won't be a "blasphemous freak" anymore.
Do you see how sick that is? But part of me believes it, completely, and with terrified sincerity.

I'm not sure how to deal with this, other than just following Laurie's advice and adopting Infinitii's existence as my sole unquestionable gospel truth on this matter. It's probably the healthiest option at this point.
I stopped going to my trans* meetings because of this. I cannot stand how queer spaces and people are hypersexualized. I can't handle the innuendo, I can't contribute to the discussion topics. Is that bad? My therapist says I can just get up and leave if it gets too difficult, but I am ashamed of that, to the point of self-loathing. The voices keep screaming "you shouldn't HAVE a problem; YOU'RE the problem; stop being a freaking wimp and get used to it, it's NORMAL."
On my good days I can just brush off any outside promiscuous comments, knowing that if I don't let them in, they won't feed the Tar/Plague. But when I'm not grounded, when I'm unsettled, that stuff sticks into my brain like rusty needles, and it gets infected. It's awful and it actually makes me angry, but that emotion by itself won't solve anything. Yes, I'm angry; I'm angry that this mangled part of my psyche devours everything tied to past trauma and gleefully spits it back in my face. But that's a lesson too, somewhere. The shadow parts of us exist for a reason. Infinitii has the same base material as they do. Those corrupted entities are reflecting back to me what I am not, what I cannot and should not be. Maybe that's all I have to do is keep that in mind. I don't HAVE to do what they tell me. I'm just so used to following orders "or else," that will be a journey. I can't expect it to be solved overnight. I have to learn to assert my own health and free will.
"Free will." It's a new term to me, the implication that I have the freedom to make my own choices. It's nice but it's rather intimidating, as long as it's paired with the "fear of punishment" for "messing up" that this hyperreligious past has given me. But I know that's old and false. Again, everything now is just practice.

Sorry. I'm repeating things that don't need to be repeated.
Bottom line: I need to somehow stop thinking that I HAVE to be an actively sexual being, or else I'm immoral and "not a complete human." That's what I internalized, that's what's still being fed to me day after day by new age media. I hope I'm misunderstanding it. I hope Infi's right, and I don't have to do a single thing with this physical body. I'm scared, I really am, that I HAVE to, after what I've been through with it. I guess I just need a response? Or that's what 'healing' from this would feel like: a message from those people saying, "oh, sure, being asexual is morally permissible; your sexual conduct or lack thereof has nothing to do with your spiritual progress!"
Why is this so hard for me to accept? I am so afraid that I'm "wrong" just for existing like this. It's nothing but moral fear, all of it.

Ah well. No use dwelling on the negative aspects. Nothing needs to be "fixed;" it just needs to fall away.
I have to stop thinking in terms of "moral/immoral" because that's just making me ill.
What's the healthiest choice here? What will allow me to grow as a person, what won't hold me back in terms of personal development? That's what I need to ask. Old damning judgments don't help anyone.

After therapy I looked upstairs momentarily and Laurie was just sitting there, looking absolutely furious, with tears streaming down her face. Javier was around too, but he was mostly in shock; he wasn't aware of the extent of the mindsets I had discussed. Laurie then called Lynne and Julie in, said we all needed to talk soon, about this specific topic, because it was bleeding over into everyone's colors and making us all deathly sick.
Lynne's been getting hit hard, because she holds most of our femininity, and those same anti-asexual messages insist that cis females are inherently sexual, which is total idiocy, but there it is.
Julie is still being affected too, but in a different aspect now-- she holds affection, and those lies tell her that she can't feel affection without it being sexually motivated somehow. That makes me very angry, because it's entirely false, and it is what has caused me the most acute pain over the years. When we hit our teenage years, suddenly society declared that "you can't have friends anymore, only boyfriends and girlfriends!" and we're still recovering from that. Again, it's an "all or nothing" mindset keeping us rooted to those things. Fear that if we say "no, we feel differently," the reaction will be "fine, have fun in hell."
Knife seems to be oddly impervious to this bleedover though, despite also being Pink? Not sure why, but that's a thought. He checks on me before every therapy session still, by the way. It's really sweet. (He's also taken to calling me "dear," which is adorable)
Anyway. Laurie deals with that too, the consequences from the "every form of love is sexual" nonsense lie. Problem is, more than anyone else in the System, she can die from that. Her role is still based on Chastity, on total separation from the sexuality topic, so she can protect everyone else from the demons it bred. If they sneak into her role, it can kill her. We all know that. And no one wants to see it happen.
Same with Infinitii, except ze has already 'died' a few times from it (the System won't let hir stay dead, thank God), which is not only heartbreaking for me, but also unbelievably abhorrent for everyone else. Infinitii's role is sacred, and these old lying programs are daring to undermine that? To THAT extent? It's inexcusable. So if anything is my motivation for healing this ancient pain, it is Infi.

I'm rambling again. I'm trying too hard. This isn't healthy either, this defensive reaction. It's fear! The mind whispers, "but what if they're right?" and so I keep trying to "justify my existence" lest someone else condemn me to hell for staying silent.
It's ridiculous. Honestly let's stop talking about this. I am tired of these tangled entries, too.


I discovered Son Lux two days ago, and his music is gorgeous. His entire Lanterns album is also quite relevant to headspace, no surprises there. But I am very much enjoying listening to this stuff.
I also heard Gustav Holst's Ode to Death on the radio on Sunday, completely at random, and it moved me to incredulous tears. It's so strange and beautiful; it sounds like the symphonies I hear in my head. So there's that for you too.
...Both of those things have direct ties to Laurie, haha. I'm not surprised by that either.

I miss talking to the people in headspace. I miss the people in headspace. I love the people in headspace.
It's going to be a bit clumsy getting everyone back together. We never rebuilt after December. We've been scattered, we've been silent. But I can't keep backing off, from fear of that love I feel for them, and them for me, and all of us for each other. That misplaced fear is literally the only thing keeping me away.
But some of them walk right through my walls. Always. And that quiet trust, that silent fidelity, means the world on nights like tonight. To know that when I collapse into sleep, she will be watching, and ze will be nearby, and he will be beside me, whether or not I acknowledge any of them... I can't put that feeling into words.
I'm scared of saying "that's what I want to live for," because I don't know how. I want to-- I NEED to be able to balance headspace and the physical realm. I can't do "one or the other;" I've been trying to for weeks and it's been killing me. I need to balance this.
Don't let me run from this, invisible audience. I've been walking in circles for the past several entries and I do not want that to continue. Yes, I'm acting on my promises, but it's slow and hesitant and there's that awful fear that is more pitiable than anything. It's like a little kid, scared to love because every time it tried, someone hurt it, someone told it that love was 'inappropriate' or otherwise 'wrong.' I need to tell that kid that those people were wrong in saying that. I need to reassure all the parts of my soul that we aren't the freaks so many other people say we are. And I need to include myself in that, too.

Progress. One step at a time. I know and feel what is best for me and our soul's growth here. I am not obligated to adhere to anyone else's path.
...I guess, God give me the strength and clarity of mind to see my own path correctly. If I am wrong, don't let me ignore it. But don't let me be blinded by doubt and fear either, please.
...Words don't work. Words don't work, when the answers to my prayers are never spoken.
This medium is so inadequate. I try too hard, it's laughable, but not in a bad way. Just... I need to stop typing about this.


...And see, this is what I'm talking about. Clicked on my Tumblr dash for a moment and saw this.
“Being spiritual has nothing to do with what you believe and everything to do with your state of consciousness.”
That's sincere reassurance enough for tonight. Thank you.


Oh. Lastly. I need to talk about this separately as there's too much for tonight, but.
Genesis, whatever in the world is going on with you, I don't hold it against you. I'm sorry if I made you think I do, it's just frightening for me to not understand this situation either. Nevertheless I will never forget my promise to you, and I will always be here for you, you know that. I love you, and I hope you can forgive me, if I've hurt you in any way, because I never intended to.
Door's open as always, if you want to stop by the room tonight. Everyone's worried about you. You're always welcome.


Now I need to get some sleep. 2AM is too late, seriously, my boss is going to be wondering what I'm doing!
See you all again soon enough.

 

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@ 01:55 am


ohhhh my heart i commissioned a poem about infi and the first draft is crushingly gorgeous i am in tears.
my heart is absolutely shattering with love.

there are a few adjustments i can make but otherwise this is utter perfection. i am not surprised, and yet i am in awe, total starstruck gratitude.

the last line is killing me in the most brilliant way possible.

infi don't ever stop being exactly what you are. be brutal blood and teeth. be gentle stars and darkness. be the wings of angels and the stuff of nightmares. be everything i am afraid of and everything i love.
i adore you, strange small shard of my soul, and that truth is just as eternal as you.