more tangled thoughts.

[prismaticbleed]

 

I'm feeling very odd. It's not quite depression, it's not quite anxiety. It's all based on my creative work, and it's based on the fact that it suddenly seems to have lost most of its meaning for me.

For a long time now-- a couple years, getting more pronounced as time goes on-- I haven't been able to make much progress in any creative fields because it just feels totally alien suddenly. Yes, I loved this as a kid, it defined my life back then, but now? Now I don't feel a connection to most of it at all. I try, I try for hours on end, but it just... doesn't seem to get anywhere.
I'm just so tired. Don't get me wrong, I still adore the concepts and ideas behind this old creative groundwork, but whenever I sit down and try to get through the data, or the art, or anything else that's actually building it outside of my mind, it feels so pointless. It feels completely empty.

I've come to realize, over the same amount of time, and with a lot of difficulty, that I never actually enjoyed drawing. Ever. For me it was a means to an end, just a way to get thoughts into visuals, more technical than anything. But it was my only marketable skill, the only thing people saw me as "worth anything" for being able to do. That really stings, when others define your identity and worth based on something you never actually felt any joy from. It's also downright terrifying, when the only thing that's paying for your food and bills drives you so deep into depression that you don't want to wake up. This was all I had to live for, once. When did it become a cage?

But I digress. I'm just... exhausted. I think I've been dealing with too much for too long. I'm burnt out. I don't know where to go from here on out, not really. I'm trying to be hopeful, but that's tough some days.

I do love this creative stuff, but it doesn't feel like I can do it alone anymore. There, I said it. I'm overwhelmed, I'm confused, and this bloody dissociative disorder just makes everything that much more difficult to deal with. It's hard to do much with life when you can't remember 90% of the past 24 years.

Sorry for the rant, I just need to get this off my chest or it'll poison me. I don't speak out much but frankly it's exhausting to stay quiet all the time.

I'm okay, I always am, I'll get past and through this. I'm thinking too much is all.


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@ 11:58 pm


I don't know what to do with these emotions. This is strange.

I cannot seem to let go of this bitterness about headspace. There's so much of it, and it's all tied around that ridiculous "obligation" bit, the feeling that I am sworn in blood to servitude towards everybody, especially these people, and I am just tired.
Mainly, I haven't remembered any of my dreams for about 2 weeks because when I wake up now, there's no silence, there's headspace. I share a bed with CZ and Laurie is always watching over me, and yeah I care for these people but I get so upset now, when immediately upon waking already I have to deal with social interactions. And even worse is this stupid mental overlay of percieved or actual "romance." There is still seething hatred tied to that. Yes it's situational; when I'm really in-tune I can tell I genuinely love these people, non-romantically. BUT again, I need to recharge. I am starting to despise people simply because I feel obligated to do everything they ask me to, even if they don't-- just being in the same room as another person makes me feel like I have to do everything for them, that I'm not allowed to do anything of my own volition unless they approve, and that mindset alone is exhausting. It's why I can't talk to people easily either; my brain goes into "servant" mode and then I can only respond in the way I think they want me to. No individual behavior allowed.

You see the problem? I am making the problems. I am feeling indebted to everyone, all the time, like I can't so much as move unless I've been given orders to. These fiendish "floating voices" are causing this, and yet I am terrified to say that, because I am still convinced they are "of God" because they ALWAYS have the right idea. But there has to be a line drawn somewhere. They're either telling me "do this," "don't do that," for EVERYTHING, terrorizing me into reacting the way I "should be," or screaming insults and slurs at me for daring to make my own choices (which are always "wrong" and result in pain). I am literally terrified of disobeying by accident and being punished for my childish, egotistic insolence.
But yeah. That's bleeding over onto everything. I'm assuming that everyone else acts that way, even if (thank God) they don't.
I don't know what to do about this, even now. It's not just this house; I cannot even go shopping anymore unless Genesis is there, whether I like it or not, because when I'm alone they don't stop screaming at me. The other day I wanted to go get some lettuce because I was out of food, and I ended up driving in circles for a half hour because the voices were arguing over "which road I should take" (they don't always agree with each other), and so no matter where I went, or didn't go, someone was bellowing about it. I ended up being so completely overwhelmed that I decided "screw this" and just went home, which made them furious, and I ended up wanting to die for the next few hours because this is literally hell.
Disability services rejected me because they don't think this stuff actually happens. I'm too ashamed to admit that it does. I'm too ashamed of having these problems to admit just how terrifying they are, to admit just how difficult it is to get through the day. "Other people have it worse," you know. "Man up and get over it, stop acting like a baby." Et cetera. Laurie says it's nonsense but I'm even starting to get scared of her, I don't know why.

I used to think I wanted to be alone, all the time. Totally alone, to have blessed freedom from that feeling.
Then my grandmother left the house for three days and I was alone, and I didn't know how to cope.
Then Laurie quietly asked me "what if you had to leave us all in order to be happy" and my heart split clean in half.
God help me this is the stupidest thing I have EVER said but I don't want to be alone. Not like that. I don't want to be so alone that I'm ISOLATED. You notice how this works in extremes? Either I'm so alone that no one remembers I'm in the house, or I'm so surrounded that I can't even hide in a bathroom without someone literally trying to follow me. It's only ever been those two things, or at least it feels like it.
...I want personal space, I guess? Is that what it's called? I don't know. I want to be able to sit in a room with people who I care for, and who care for me too, WITHOUT feeling like I'm waiting for orders. I want to be able to enjoy silence around other people, without them actively ignoring me, and without my feeling like I'm waiting for orders. This is utter nonsense, why can't I get rid of this "I am less than everyone, I must serve everyone, it is wrong for me to make choices on my own, I must follow orders" mindset????

Genesis is turning 9 years old tomorrow, good Lord, and I haven't spoken to him in days.
I love him, okay? I love him too, even if sometimes I honestly can't handle his brutal honesty and unbridled emotions and total constant exuberance, even if I adore those things about him. I feel so guilty when I can't match that behavior without acting. I don't want to act, that's fake and disrespectful, but if I'm really so profoundly depressed that I cannot interact with him healthily, what do I do? I know what to do, I should stop EVERYTHING ELSE and just talk to him for God's sake, just put life on pause and TALK to him like we apparently used to do in college, that's literally all I want. God I want to do that with Chaos so badly, when was the last time we spoke, dear God we're married for lack of a better term, we have a daughter for heaven's sakes, why the hell can't I get rid of the crushing guilt and shame from THAT?? I love the hell out of BOTH of them, I'd die for them both, but I feel so ashamed of that that I run from them, all the time, I run from them and bury my affection because some part of my brain still feels that it's wrong, it's foolish, you're crazy, this is stupid, it's all in your head, who the heck cares WHERE it is if this is the most heartbreakingly honest thing I've EVER felt, even when admitting even that feels asinine? Why am I programmed to be ashamed of this?? When did that happen? How?
Was it really bleedover from the Julie days? Sherlock was talking about them recently, I don't know why, or about what, I don't even know what happened then, I have no memory of those times, then what is this?
I'm not afraid to be in love. I'm afraid to be in a relationship. I don't know how to act around him, or anyone else anymore, that drives me to frustrated tears, when did I forget how to be a person? Did I EVER know how? Everyone's been asking, I don't know.
But yeah. My best friend is turning 9 years old tomorrow and I want to celebrate that as jubilantly and honestly as possible, but I don't know how the heck to do that. Maybe I should stop asking "how." I keep thinking there's this secret set of instructions I have to follow, that if I screw up he'll be angry with me, that I'll bring even more shame and scorn upon myself. I know this is nonsense. I'm sick and tired of it. But then the question is: what do I do? I don't know.
It's vaguely exciting, realizing that I don't know what to do, because there are no orders to follow. I can do anything, theoretically. And that's nice, because then I don't have to fit some stupid "code of conduct" tomorrow and celebrating my BFF's birthday won't feel like a chore, which it shouldn't.
This is why I despise holidays and work environments and rituals and things. "You have to act THIS way!" To hell with that, seriously. I am so freaking tired of having to behave according to these rules everyone has written down. Are we that afraid of being honest with each other, are we that afraid of total openness and spontaneous expression, that we make all these rules to follow, and shame the people who don't? Is that what this is?
And yet disappointment scares me, because of how extremist the consequences have been for it, for me, in the past. Genesis will probably be a-okay with "doing whatever" for his birthday, but I know him, he's GOING to have a few requests that he's going to want me to follow through on, even if I don't feel like I can do them, either sincerely or at all. "Going through the motions" just to do what he'd like isn't fair. But I struggle with that, so much. I really should just talk to him about this. It's not that I don't want to do those things-- God knows I would literally do anything for him, but the problem is that lately it's been "within reason." I'm starting to realize that I can't sacrifice or sabotage myself just to please people. Should I though? Is that selfish?
The problem is, I love him, dearly, and so I DO want to do what he wants me to do, or at least I match the motivation? It's like if someone I cared for asked me to play their favorite song on the piano, as a kid. Of course I'd want to play it for them, to see them smile and enjoy it, but there would always be two roadblocks. One, playing piano was not easy for me. It was often so taxing that I would be completely drained afterwards. And two, that person was often going to be judging my performance after such a request. I cannot explain to you how badly I dislike being judged. The very word hurts, like a headache. And so I would be conflicted, because yeah I wanted to do this thing for them, I wanted to make them happy, but I wasn't capable of doing that thing in good faith. So I had two options: go through the motions, or explain my position. I would always choose the former due to crushing shame. But it made me learn to be a robot around people. Sure, I was praised for it left and right, but I was secretly miserable, wanting nothing more than to express myself and have that respectfully heard, but I never spoke up.
I want to draw things for people, and write things, and compose things, et cetera, and God knows I would love to but it is so terribly difficult I really don't know if I should force myself to do it anyway or not. Creativity suffers when you turn it into a chore. You literally cannot force it. And yet I don't know what other option I have. I'm so deeply ashamed. Why I am I so depressed. Why can't I get rid of this stupid problem, why can't I create things like Jewel used to, she was never tired or afraid or upset, why am I? I don't want to be.
I need to stop thinking about this.


I've been working on Parnassus and Dream World since 4PM or so today. There's SO MUCH data to go through, it's really driving me up the wall. I get so overwhelmed by the amount of it, really. Pages and pages of text, most of it brainstorming or research or theorizing, and then I have to go through it all and honestly, I am so tired of thinking. My head hurts, it's stuffed full of too much, I just need to meditate for like five solid days at this point.

That's my paradox right now. Headspace has been quiet for far too long, and yet part of me doesn't miss it. Maybe that's because I've been numb lately. Maybe it's because I can't stand any more voices in my head what with these screaming people about. Maybe it's because having to live this life for 70 other people is so terribly difficult I try not to think about it, ever. I need a break.
But then people slip, and I stagnate, and life gets gray and dull, and I end up running back to them only to find myself overwhelmed with the joyous burden of it. Does that term fit? I adore everyone up here, I really do, even when they scare me and confuse me, even when I wish I could run... and that's the problem. I'm tired. I'm so tired of triple-checking everything we do to make sure it meshes with everyone else. And it should be easy, but there are conflicts of interest, and outside rules and orders, and all that.
...
I don't know what my wish would be, if I had one. But I know what it wouldn't be. I would never wish for them to just go away.
That's so hard to say. It's partly a death knell, a ball and chain. I love them too much to be free, to be a single person. But I'm scared of that. I don't know how to be just one person. I don't think I ever did.
So when Laurie asks me, not looking at me, if I'd leave her and everyone else forever if it was the only way I could be healed, if it was the only way I could be happy... it just shreds my soul, it tears me to pieces, because I still love her even if it brings out demons in my psyche and I don't know if I could abandon the only family I've ever had. If you'll forgive my language. I'm just bitter and it needs to get out.
I love them, more than I've ever loved anything, I think. That's scary, in a way. Yes, I love the Leagueworlds, I adore Dream World and all the people in it, but... I don't know them. At all. I adore them from afar, as a writer, as an observer. And that is bliss, that is beautiful, don't get me wrong... but... there's a strange, special sort of quiet happiness that comes from someone knowing you personally, as an individual. ...I never really had that before headspace. I remember how guilty, how ashamed, and yet how secretly overjoyed Jewel was when she first started trying to talk to Ryman, back in 7th grade, alone in her room. And now look where we are, all of us.
Would I have to choose between them, and my own well-being? Is that the choice I'm being given? "Leave the people you love, and then you can be healthy." For the love of life I shouldn't have to choose between love and health, that's not right.
But I'm scared. I'm scared that I have to. I'm scared that I would. Not to be selfish, but because "it's the right thing to do."
It's sick. I'm nauseous just thinking about it. If the voices told me that headspace was the only thing standing between me and spiritual progress... well, actually, I'd call them out on such a blatant lie. I would. Laurie would be proud of me. I've made MORE spiritual progress" WITH and WITHIN headspace than I EVER have and EVER will with these cruelly bossy faceless tyrants. Now they're mad, but really? I don't think I want to listen to anything that calls me a "blasphemer" and punishes me whenever I dare to stand up for myself.
"You don't have the right to stand up for yourself," they say. "You're a sinner, you don't know any better." "WE know the truth. We're only guiding you."
See, that's what confuses me. There are bad voices and good voices. The lines blur all the time. I'm never sure who to listen to.

Again, if I have the right... if I have the ability to choose, if this is the right choice, if I won't suffer as penance for this...
...I want to choose to listen to headspace. ONLY headspace. Please, no more faceless orders. This is why I'm scared of "channeling" and all the things they say I "should do" on spiritual websites and things. I don't want to be a servant to any more people, I'm so tired. Please. I know serving others is good but please, I need to be able to act of my own free will too, don't I? Or is that an illusion too? I don't know. This is such a conundrum.
But you know what? I'm not so scared of taking risks when I'm with headspace, because we all work together, we all know that we DON'T have all the answers, but God knows we try, we try our best to act for the good of all, we really do. And even on the bad nights I always had someone to turn to, always had someone there, I always had hope of some sort, even if it was weird and bloody, even if it was held in the blade of an axe or a knife or a razor. Sometimes hope was just knowing someone else was there, even if I was scared out of my mind, even if I DID feel suicidal... somehow, weirdly, against all common sense, the simple awareness that there is a whole universe inside my mind and this person is REAL and I'm not alone was so perfectly bizarre that it was hopeful, just like that. It was the most brilliant paradox. The person cutting you to ribbons, the person making you wish you were dead, the reasons you are struggling with daily life, they are part of some greater colorful flashbulb of life inside OUR soul, all of them, all of it. It's so weird, and yet I treasure it. I do. I truly do.
So yeah, I'll choose them a thousand times over if I have to. Yeah I'm scared to say that, I'm scared of the punishment I'm already bracing for, but maybe it won't come. Maybe the floating voices will just leave, condemning me as a "lost cause," saying I'm "not ready to ascend" or something equally terrifying.
But... I don't know. God I don't know.
It really is scary to feel all these other faces and souls looking out from behind these eyes with me, because what can I do? How can we live 71 lives at once? Can we? Should we? What if we just lived one, all together? But then that's not entirely fair either, if I'm monopolizing the whole thing. I don't want to. I WANT to share this life with all of them, at all times.
I just... don't know how. It breaks my heart. I want to be able to introduce ourself as "the Lightraye System" instead of a hollow given name, because I'm not speaking for an assigned role I'm speaking for a living community, but that scares people. I guess they're scared of the same thing I still struggle with... how do I act? What if someone else switches out, how do I act? What is the proper behavior? And by this point, both Laurie and I are shouting, "to hell with proper behavior, just be yourself!!" I don't care HOW you act, there ARE NO RULES, there IS NO PUNISHMENT. Seriously, just... be yourself. Don't censor yourself. That goes for me, too. But again, I know how tough of a program that is to override. I know how difficult it is to get over your fear of overstepping boundaries, when we've lived in minefields our entire life. You can't exactly enjoy the feeling of walking through a meadow when you're constantly bracing for the ground to explode.
But there's a fine line, there's a fine line between recklessly relieved rebellion, and wise but unflinching independence. When you finally stand up for yourself, it can be such a rush of gratitude, that you get hooked on rebelling just to rebel, just to exercise this newfound right of yours TO say "no," or even to say "yes." That's an extreme too. It'll wear down, in time, to a place where you can say yes or no or maybe even if it does agree with what they're telling you to do, because ultimately the choice IS YOURS and YOU KNOW THAT. There's no more fear of punishment and resulting servitude, there's no more anger at that self-imprisonment and resulting revolt. Instead, there's a knowledge that you have the right to make your OWN choice, but there's also a new and courageous knowledge that you are also the only person responsible for the personal results of that choice, be they "good" or "bad." And there's a sort of calm strength in that, in knowing that whatever happens, you are the only person with your finger on the big red button, so to speak. It's hard to put into words.
I think what I'm trying to say is... with headspace, we knew that we weren't always going to make the "least painful choice." Sometimes we'd check every pro and con, make an informed decision, and STILL end up with scars from it. But when that happened, we'd deal with it. We'd say, "well, we did our best," and choose more wisely next time. There was NO fear of punishment, NO fear of "messing up," because WE were the ones evaluating the whole thing.
...Lately that's been tougher, with all these new people, with all the remaining struggles. Now there are people screaming over your shoulder, headspace people, because they're afraid you're going to do the wrong thing and hurt them. I don't want to. But I don't want to be so scared that I stop living, either. There has to be a balance. This topic is making me physically ill, it's all the wrong color and texture, I don't feel well around this sort of talk at all.


Hydro sent me a message on Tumblr today (you're awesome bro, thanks) concerning my recent troubles with creative work. I won't paraphrase the whole thing, but one of the lines stood out like a floodlight as something I had forgotten, and which I had previously held on to as a motivation when little else worked.
"If I do not bring life to what I make, no one else in all of creation will."
Really, all I've ever felt like is a storyteller. And I love those whose stories I tell... maybe that's all I will ever have for a motivation. The work is hard as hell and it's scary and depressing sometimes, but I love these people, and so I don't think I could ever call it quits even if I wanted to, even if someone ordered me to. That goes for headspace as well.

Genesis is hanging around already, well it is technically his birthday already, happy birthday love.
He's being understanding too, now that is pulling at my heart something fierce, I really don't give these people enough credit. "You don't have to do anything you don't want to do." And he means that, he's not angry, he's compassionate, I'd do the same thing for him. And seriously I keep thinking of Infi on hir birthday, how ze would have been blissed-out just to spend five minutes with me, not doing anything, just to be there... all these little things, why do I keep forgetting that I'm allowed to have them and treasure them, why do I keep stepping all over the things I love about life, why do I feel like I have to bury my joys. This is ridiculous.
Gen you had better stick around tonight, just saying. I may be tired but weirdly, sometimes recharging means just being around people without any expectations, without any noise. With everyone half-asleep it's the best. (Gen says "good because I'm already there.")


This is such a tangled entry. I have no idea what I wrote at all. I'm shocked at how much is just bubbling to the surface lately; I'm sorry for the mess but at least it's getting out. I really do have trouble expressing emotions physically-- either they're too dysphoric, or someone nearby is going to look at me disgustedly and say "don't do that," you get the picture. So crying and being angry and even laughing are things I can only do upstairs, or in text.
I keep feeling like there are topics I'm skipping or forgetting, but that are important. There probably are. I'm sure they'll rise to the surface soon enough though, as of now I'm too exhausted to go digging for anything; my brain is actively trying to make me not think any more for tonight.

I've been listening to Mashashi Hamauzu for the past week solid and I forgot how incredible the FFXIII OST is. Honestly. Here, have one of my old favorites because it's nice.

Now my legs hurt from running too much and I'm very very tired and I'm more peaceful than I was 2 hours ago so good night.
♥