mother probs

[prismaticbleed]

 

all right, the mother is furious, because my medical bills are too high, I don't blame her.
I hate being sick. I hate being sick in the head. I hate being such a freak.

here's the current questions and concerns I have because we are not getting anywhere in therapy until I have the sheer bloody guts to admit them to myself first:

first: why am I so terrified of the mother?
the weird perfumey smell she gives off (and that reeks on all her clothing) utterly terrifies me. there's a visceral, infantile panic that jumps into my spine whenever I detect it. I cannot be near her for that reason.
her voice doesn't bother me. honestly she's pretty cool as a person.
my grandmother is making it difficult though. she hates my mother. at home she is always spewing condemnations and revulsion for her, mostly around the fact that she is divorced, that she likes to buy things for herself, or that she is "with that whoremaster" (her boyfriend). I do not like that language. I do not like those topics. they make me sick. I don't want to think like that about my mother. but whenever those topics happen, she drags me into them, and it is very tough to not just smile and nod, smile and nod, damned programming.
let's look at that here.
let's be honest first.
my mother is, on a personal 'symbolic' level, a manifestation of everything I never want to become. she is a visual reminder of what I don't want to be. for whatever reason.
it's not her fault. she is not to be blamed for any of it. but, if I were to take on those characteristics, well, my rules don't apply to her and vice versa. if I were to look and act and live like her, it would be living in outright hostility and falsehood towards myself.

first. most apparently, her appearance. big body, very round without being built big, long hair, tons of makeup. walks like a movie star, kind of 'throws herself about.' she's showy and dramatic. but by herself she seems to love it. she's that sort of person. she enjoys attention and flashiness, and loves when people are focused on her. that's her style! and that's fine. but… again, if I were to act that way, it would be outright manipulation. if I ever acted that way it would be out of hatred for other people, wanting to pull them along like puppets on hangman noose-strings. I cannot act like that. so, her behavior is a warning to me. don't ever, ever act like this. for if you do, if you ever catch yourself imitating this woman, you are out of sync. you are being manic and destructive.
so, having her around, acting like that, is a real difficulty. why? because I know I am capable of acting that way. and I know the ugly roots of that behavior in myself. so some self-hating part of me wants to destroy her, to destroy that part of myself. see the problem?
I need to somehow forgive and make peace with that part of myself. that showy, dramatic, brazen, loud part of myself. the part of myself that is also manipulative and destructive. the "manic red" alter.
she acts like she is queen of the world. she laughs loudly, sings loudly, talks loudly. she walks in public like she's on a red carpet. she acts like she owns every place she enters. she demands attention and plays everyone like a game. she treats people like puppets, her dear admirers, her adoring slaves. she wants everything to go her way, or she will toss it into the highway. she is the star, she is the darling of this show, she is the main actor on the stage, and if anyone dares contest that, she will kill them. blunt as that.
but she has a lesson, too, they all do. whatever it is.
when I see my mother, I am reminded of her. they are not the same, they cannot be and will never be. but I do not like that part of myself. and so hostility is my knee-jerk reaction. "stop her acting like that. I don't want to have to copy her. I don't want to be that person."
is that the lesson? I don't have to become my mother? is the self-destructive rage that I feel towards that imitation simply because I feel I have no choice but to copy it, and hate myself for it?
so that is task number one. make peace with her behavior without becoming it, as that would be totally untrue to my soul expression.
that's a big lesson in general, for me. "I can forgive without condoning." "I can allow without becoming." I struggle with that, notoriously.

related.
point two.
she's a taurus, to a T. she loves food, and possessions, and creature comforts. she loves that stuff. and I have no problem with that.
except that I could never, ever, live like that. I have no interest in those things and, again, feeling obligated to collect them like she does makes me ill and angry.

…


there's an audio file from eros on this voice recorder, and he talks just like q. same vocal style, same inflections, everything. it's rather off-putting. I don't know why that sort of speaking style scares me, there's nothing wrong with it, these people are being emotionally sincere in their words and it is audible. but it sounds too dramatic. there's that word again.


…

(unfinished)