aug 24 2015

[prismaticbleed]

notes for aug 23/24


082315, evening
talking to infi.

apologizing. both of us in tears.

"I love you. you could never hurt me."

realization that if we DO hurt each other then we are OBVIOUSLY NOT OURSELVES



work, 082415

talking to waldorf, josephina, and leon

jo's chest symbol, hurts.
too much sheer negativity in yellow still
yin-yang aspect of colors? "need to transmute the (pain?) into flowers"

remember last week? thursday? waldorf cut her wrist temporarily
her blood is glowy blue like her eyes. also her skin is like plastic? glossy, smooth
knife healed it so shes okay now

 

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@ 11:22 PM


I'm very concerned.

During the day I don’t know who I am anymore.


I need to actively practice humility, detachment, and SEPARATION FROM SELF, because whoever the hell is in this body during the day is proud, angry, whiny, selfish, and doesn’t think their actions through at all.


I'm currently struggling with the "do I want to be an artist or not" problem and I still don’t quite have an answer.
I do like drawing for fun. I really do. I just don’t know if I could do it for a living? I'd honestly have to draw more to figure that out.

I like childish drawing. I like patterns, and symmetry, and shapes. I like cartoony scribbles for the sake of "drawing characters" and that's it.
However. I still dream, oddly, of being able to draw everything realistically, of being able to render the images in my mind exactly as I see them.
But it burns me out. It burns me out.

I still dont know. It's scary because I still feel OBLIGATED to be a "traditional artist" because of the Leagueworld people, who I love and will love forever, no matter how much of a whore I feel like. The love is separate from my "self" I think. Which again ties into the above point.

I dont know. Sorry. I'm having a tough time lately.


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@ 11:49 PM


So I’ve been having a rough few weeks and today was no different, but as I’m sitting here with Spotify on shuffle, Black Light Machine starts playing and suddenly everything feels a little brighter. I needed that.
It’s just one of those songs, man, it never fails.


_{#that song's been a huge source of hope for me for six years now #thanks jem}