040123

[prismaticbleed]

 
rough notes from today.

first, most importantly even,
ORANGE NEEDS TO BE CATEGORIZED.
SO DOES INDIGO/BLUE.
we get so many unexpected resonances for BOTH color banks, and yet they aren't ATTACHED TO ANYONE. and that's why Lynne can't stabilize, and we can't find any Blues (or Yellows, for that matter!)
WE NEED TO FIND AND WRITE DOWN WHAT THE INSTINCTIVE ESSENTIAL RESONANCES ARE FOR EACH HUE so we KNOW WHO AND WHAT CAN ATTACH TO THEM.

Bible study takeaway: JESUS DIED FOR MY SINS, TO ERASE THEM-- EVEN CNC

Must ACCEPT this body as a cross NOT BEGRUDGINGLY BUT WITH SACRIFICIAL LOVE!!!!

Verse of the day CONVICTION about HRT

...

Bk difficult.  So rushed & dissociative, no one could front,  brain a jumbled fog
Tried to get dressed AT LEAST 3 TIMES.

First Saturday, so church for almost 3 hours
Said Rosary but brain still so foggy
Meditating on QUADRUPLE MYSTERIES (all four in that slot at once). Shocked & moved by unexpected parallels

CONFESSION
father ended it by out of the blue asking:
"ARE YOU STILL TAKING TESTOSTERONE"
WHAT
IN
HEAVEN
I HAVEN'T TOLD ANYONE BUT ASTRA. HOW DID HE KNOW.
LEGIT PADRE PIO MOMENT

Went back to pew. Knelt in front of the Blessed Sacrament.
CRYING FROM ANGER & FEAR. ADMITTED THIS IMMEDIATELY & OPENLY TO GOD.
Felt myself DYING. All hopes & joys for the future SHATTERED.
Fighting off despair and even rage. "A goal blocked" remember. Reminded self that I AM TWISTED AND EVIL, I CANNOT KNOW WHAT IS REALLY GOOD. BUT GOD IS GOOD HIMSELF.
I must trust that, even when I cannot understand how this is good-- even when it is an actual death sentence.
Even if he slay me, i must hope in Him

ACTUAL "FEAR OF GOD" AT "YOU HAVE GIVEN THEM BREAD FROM HEAVEN" priest said it very loud & several steps higher than usual. Sounded like trumpets of apocalypse
Shaking & tears, actually terrified
"Containing in itself all delight" = a pointed chastisement for my seeking fulfillment in gender shifting

Mass parts cut me to pieces
Starting to hear the sinful resistance subtly in crowd dialogue
"EITHER YOU ARE CRUCIFIED, OR HE IS."

Went to dads house
Upset about Jade & Mom
Also convicted again about my stupid past failures, and charged to be normal & successful in future. Felt guts twist. God is that my fate, to become that spiritually hollow "normal girl" from high school???
I feel like I'm possessed, all the time. I feel stuck in someone else's brain & body. So much is callously automatic, there's NO SOUL

IMMEDIATELY MANICS & HYPERRELIGIOUS TAKE OVER

Barely stopped a blindhappy binge
Thank you Julie Wreckage & Laurie

Dinner prep was so so hard
Reeling from confession; entire sense of self crushed to dust
Felt doomed to a living hell

Don't remember eating
Reading Palm Sunday in Gospels

Melatonin "you'll regret it!!" voices

So exhausted in every sense, completely debilitated
CRAWLED over to prayer wall, collapsed against closet
Scraped out "is anybody there"
FELT them "WE ALL ARE"
Leon dragged us over to pray
Scalpel there too, and Knife
Laurie helping me out too

loved them so so so so much in those moments. nothing real but them.
my faith was more real in those ragged minutes with the system than it EVER was with the hyperreligious girls

Planned week schedule: its very different with Holy Week services

Still. Literal death today.
Have no processed it at all yet
Tempted to absolutely suicidal despair. Delete everything, go back to bring mom's moppet. Self-annihilation. Be "a good girl"
HATE the frightening bleachpink smiley-faces we feel at that phrase
GOD WHAT DO YOU WANT US TO DO PLEASE
PLEASE

gotta keep praying, oh God help, please speak to us in OUR NATIVE LANGUAGE
please please please in dreams or music or imagination. Please something our HEART can understand.
This outside funeral is inescapable. We know.
But please. Help us cope.
Help US to live in it nevertheless, WITHOUT giving up & letting those heartless girlygirls take over & send us into vapidhell again

...unless God wants US to die too.

That is our biggest fear
And because we are so afraid of it,
It feels like a guarantee that He WILL kill us

Cannot deal with existence any more today
Everything beautiful feels damned & shameful now
Gotta be that stupid hedonist girl instead I guess
Gotta be a smelly slutty squishy w*mn instead now right
Sorry
Too much trauma pain fear agony screaming horror.

Want to shut it all off
God how did we survive in the past, how did our Cores live inside with all this ghastly garbage outside?
Or are we supposed to die?

Done with life
Need sleep regardless
Feel like a lazy weak pompous jerk, looking for sleep & food & junk
Being "female' is just an excuse to be an UTTER COWARD & MORAL WEAKLING.
The worst part is THAT ONLY APPLIES TO US
BECAUSE WE'RE NOT A W*MN
apparently some big part of us STILL LOVES GIRLS
BUT SEXUALITY IS HELL
IT IS THE MOST HORRIFIC THING IN EXISTENCE
And being female means being DEFINED BY SEX
EVEN IN THE CHURCH.
WE CANNOT DEAL WITH THIS

I give up, God I'm afraid I don't care anymore
Please help
Please don't annihilate who we are and turn us plasticine pink
Please

Bed for 11pm
don't want to wake up
but have to