we're back

[prismaticbleed]

 

After the huge and frankly legitimate blow to our self-concept the other day, someone apparently shut down these archives. I don't blame them.
I'm bringing them back though. Not only do we need them for therapy, but we may need to access them tonight to assist someone else.
Honestly though, last night I was reading a few Xangas from 2010... God I miss what that felt like, the early days of community, when we talked so mucheven if we weren't as close as we are now. There was more effort inside.
Now so much is outside, there's so much struggle, so much confusion... we don't really have the same amount of massive "free time" (work, school, etc.) to just be inside, to just talk to each other, and be ourself...
Work IS helping though. Waldorf, Kyanos, and Laurie are always there, with Lynne and Spine frequently nearby. Josephina drops in here and there, Leon and Nat showed up today. We've got four hours of talk time every morning now, if there aren't any negative wall fronters out (really more programming than person, Genesis and I noticed today; you cannot talk to them so they aren't people).

The situation with CZ is healing, bit by bit. It's taking patience and lots of love, both of which I infinitely have for him.
The key seems to be staying myself. I have a lot of splinters too, I can slip a lot.
But I'm getting a better grip. Biggest thing is confirmed, I'm not humanoid. I suspected that for a long, long time now, but it's solidified more lately and I can actually get a visual of myself now, despite how naturally I tend to lean towards incorporeality and/or ethereality.
CZ is also trying to "solidify" his base manifestation, which we're finding to be surprisingly difficult because we've also realized that his canon self IS important. Notably, we want his canon self to be up here. That connection was always a very dearly beloved thing to our past Cores, so that's probably why the poor guy couldn't entirely drop it even when he tried.
So we're going to try the whole multiple-verse-self thing that Jewel's a pro at. Links and the like. See if we can manage the splinters better that way. It's all hope and theory right now but the bottom line is, when you get down to the very heart of it he's still as innocent as he's always been. He's still 100% who he's always been, and I can feel that, and my heart always recognizes that, as I've said countless times before.

I've been talking to Infinitii more lately, even if only in little bursts during the day. We didn't talk much for a while and it was starting to eat at me. You know how the whole daemon thing works after all, thanks Philip Pullman.
Still working with all the other Outspacers, too, and their daemons when they show up. Oddly I'm feeling sympathetic resonance lately with OLD Outspacers, aka the ones with no Spectrum roots, probably because those people are moving into Leagueworlds and when they do they automatically become compatible with/ part of heartspace, and can therefore walk into headspace if they wish.
On that note I'm also still working on the "adaptation" of our story for the sake of a webcomic. I do want to present this as such, a sort of "based on a true story" bit that we might just end up living now in heartspace, if we want to. That's a really really exciting and interesting possibility, what with the color realms and the new Spectrum map and the way we're seeing this all fits together... it's really awesome and I do want to talk about that eventually but again, I have to do the hard data work first. I'm the best with concepts, it's all raw color and shape and string and that's what I basically am, haha.

Leagueworld stuff always gets a boost during Spectrum downtime. We got two more shirts finished, huzzah. Starting the next two!

Right now, in the daily life, our biggest concerns are 1) working with the E.D. voices, making them conscious of their choices, questioning programming, solidifying eating memory, etc., 2) working with the "fallen voices," aka the "unconscious hackers" (who are mostly young dissociated girls), questioning their programming and rewriting their entire behavior/thought codes so to speak, 3) getting structure back into the Spectrum, which I was again reminded of when re-reading 2010, because we have so much complexity up here but it's rich and coherent when you really look at it. I haven't been looking at it like I used to. So that's that.

All in all, I can't complain. Life is good, even though it's stressful at times, and we might feel like we're taking five steps back and one step forward. I just... I'm more at peace now? Like I've been confronted with the real possibility of death quite often over the past two months, so I've made my peace with it, legitimately so. It's helped immensely.

I'm going to try and go back through these archives and either weed out or label the major negative entries, aka the ones written by super-damaged alters or by malevolent faceless voices. I don't like them cluttering up these archives; they detract entirely from the spirit of what we're doing here and I'm well aware of the risk they pose to the mental health of our readers, however passively.

We do want to have at least one Xanga session weekly, I know we've been saying that for ages but we've pinpointed the problem down to "we're afraid of having them at home" for some reason? The channel openness somehow is clashing with the vibe of our current room/ workspace/ etc. It feels claustrophobic. So we might just move on the porch. Either way we all know we NEED to start having those sorts of hugeass heavy-topic talks again, slacking off is only harming us.

I had an idea for an alternate coloring of this, sharing it because I like how it looks so far.




Nothing else to say for now. We didn't eat yet today and like I said, we might have our schedule booked for this evening.
I wish you all well, with utmost sincerity.