some recent events

[prismaticbleed]

 

A few things I've forgotten to write about lately.


+ We got our sutures/staples taken out a week ago, on a Thursday. That was notable for two reasons, the only things I remember about it... one, Razor tried to front while the stuff was being removed, because we didn't know if it would hurt or not and she "wanted to try." She had some trouble getting in (she is not a social fronter) but Knife was there to support her. I know that much. Second, though, was right before that; I had to wait for about ten minutes, in the patient room, before the doc came in, and they had me lying down. Since I was still morning-foggy (it was 9AM and I went to sleep late), I closed my eyes and just relaxed for a bit. I was rather shocked when I noticed that the hospital atmosphere was profoundly reassuring to me at the time. I don't know if it's a White thing or what, but... the Plague rooms used to have that aura, notably. Fluorescent lights, buzzing quietly, the antiseptic smell, the feeling of being in a small space, you get the idea. And yet there's something I find oddly comforting about it. That feels redemptive. Our hospital visits have rarely been "optimistic"-- there was the psych ward, some horribly dysphoric appointments, all this stomach trouble, etc.-- really, only the pre-surgery memories we have are straight-up nice. And the house bathroom, where so much awful abuse happened, carried that same sterile buzzing vibe. But we dream about hospitals all the time... hospitals, universities, big grand empty sprawling buildings. And we love it. They've never felt 'negative' to us. I'm rambling somewhat but the point is, lying there in that room that was practically made to match the old Plague levels, I felt totally content. That silent sterility felt caring and kind for once. And that's a good thing in my book.

+ Last Monday, I think, my grandmother's sister and her daughters came to visit. Her youngest daughter had a new baby and my grandmother wanted to meet him, so they brought him up (along with his 2-year-old brother) and literally just chilled out in our kitchen for about 5 hours. It was a little taxing for me, just being around people talking for so long, but it wasn't bad because they didn't force me to interact. Now, in theory I'm uncomfortable around kids (as I cannot take care of them as I feel obligated to) but I have no problem being a bystander around them. So I had no trouble watching everyone fawn over this 6-month-old. However, geez, what a pretty kid. He had eyes the color of sodalite, they were so big. At one point I reached over to him to say hi, and he grabbed my finger and just looked at me for like three solid minutes. I'm telling you I've never had a kid that young look at me so intelligently. Really I just wish I hadn't been in such an unstable state, battling the social programming of the situation, trying to figure out "how are you suppoed to act around a baby," etc. But I was able to just look back at him, too, for a while. And that was cool.

+ Dishonored has been my clock, haha. I tried to do one mission a day after the surgery, but after we finished the Knife of Dunwall, my brother took over the Xbox again so I haven't been able to complete the Brigmore Witches missions. Nevertheless that's why there's been a dearth of "daily event" updates lately... for quite a few days practically all we did was play Dishonored and cook winter squash. Amusing but true. So I can only remember "what happened outside" if I search through the game memories, and see what is tied to them. For example, last Sunday we were doing the Barrister Timsh mission, because I remember dealing with the Hatters as my brother was taking a quiz for his college classes in the same room (his computer is right by the Xbox) and we had to stop for a while and help him. Then the mother brought all this food up the house right when we were trying to save Thalia without being seen. Honestly not much happens in the home anymore; usually it's just me and the grandparents there, and the grandfather has never interacted with us much. The grandmother is hit-and-miss so we have to be careful as she can be great or terribly triggering. Either way, days are long and empty now. So post-surgery, since I couldn't leave the house or move well, Dishonored took up all that interim time. I just feel I have to justify playing it, as I've been hardwired to think I have to be working constantly. My apologies. Still, I'm back doing my daily jogs already but the brain-floaty feeling I've had since the surgery hasn't abated. Admittedly that's why I haven't gone back to finish Daud's missions-- it's hard to concentrate like this. I'm not sure why it is.
Oh yeah, and Leon is a huge Dishonored fan, it's adorable. He told me back before we even beat the story mode and so he's been helping when he can. His thing is stealth, even moreso than me (Jewel is all action of course), so when we need to explore we'll let him take over if he wants. Nathaniel sticks around to watch and comment on it too, especially since now he's intrigued by the flowery aesthetics of the witches. Either way it's great, we're all enjoying this. I will try and get some time in on Monday (I can't get near the Xbox on weekends) so I'll keep you posted.

+ I've spend the past two days watching Gravity Falls on a whim, as I've been curious about it since it originally aired... and again, I've been terribly dissociated enough recently to have an excuse to watch something for an extended period of time. It's cute, but I'm uncomfortable with a lot of the jokes and topics? I've never been good with TV shows. So heartspace is making sure no tar/plague stuff gets fed, and I'm just thanking heaven that I haven't had any fiction lag from it (which is hell on earth for me). The only effect so far has been vocal bleedover, which makes it hard to tune into internal speech because there's too much auditory residue. Really, if I listen to something for too long, especially a voice, it will color the way I percieve things internally for a while. That's why I don't like exposing myself to too much, TV or music or movies or anything. It really fuzzes up my head. Anyway I just started Season 2 and I'm looking forward to see where this is going, stuff just got super serious dude.

+ DREAM WORLD. I have been trying so hard to get back into it and today I struck gold-- I had to head to the farmer's market to buy more kabocha squash (the food of the gods) and on the way up, I decided to fight the brain fog by reciting the entire old draft from memory. So I started with Part One ("It was a beautiful day in the Dream World" etc.) and I got up to the scene where they find Crysta in the city when BOOM, it hit me. "Wait a second, then that means--" and then I got on this fantastic tangent of plot development that I had entirely overlooked before. Thanks 10-year-old me for somehow writing relevant stuff into the story before you even knew what the story was! Honestly it's creepy how DW grows so perfectly, creepy but incredible. So I'm excited to see what this unearths. as I still have so many questions about world mechanics and history and the like.
Also. While I'm thinking of it, I think I need to try "tuning into" character vibes again. It's totally different from heartspace; here, you can co-front or mindlink, and we all share a collective life anyway. Not so with Leagueworlds. I have to stay an observer, while still being able to feel intimately enough the "aura" of that person; what they are like, not as words but as a feeling. Once I get that to click, then the Links kick in, and story writing happens. However I was thinking about that today and I was shocked to realize how many people in DW don't have Links like that going. Vez does, Nebisai does, Justice does, Maitru does (thank heavens)-- which explains why I feel so much more comfortable writing for them, why it's so easy. But I can't get into Jigaria's head, so to speak. I can't see through Eidmonev's eyes yet. It's worrisome but it's a driving fire in my heart to do that, to get to know them better as people, to love them more completely. That's my #1 thing to do, as I literally cannot do anything else until I have that base to work from. It's their story, it's their life, their world-- I'm just writing it down. So this is a huge soul-deep relief, to finally know what to do next, and how to do it. Growth is guaranteed once I begin. I can feel it and it's so nice.

+ There was a night, I don't know when, but something bad had happened and I ended up staring at the light in the bathroom ceiling at like 1AM. I felt half-alive and even less awake, but as I stared at it numbly all I could see were sparkles. Like literal dancing sparkles, bright white, all swirling around the light in my vision (and only the light). No matter what I did they kept glowing. I ended up smiling and laughing softly, but with real childlike happiness, as I watched. It felt... like, no matter what had just happened, there was this still. There was still light and joy even now. And the same went for me. I went to bed without fear then.

+ I saw Markus yesterday. It was right after therapy, he was calling Genesis to come upstairs and keep him company for a while? He was feeling unsettled and needed someone to talk to. But that struck me, because not only is his vibe stronger than ever, as well as his visuals... but he feels closer. Like now that the Outspacers are settled in, they no longer feel "outside" at all. There was always a sort of distance before, but now they feel like they are rooted into heartspace just as much as the rest of us. Markus did say something to that effect but it was more of a wondering thing, like he wasn't sure. I haven't seen Ryman about but I know he's dealing with personal issues right now so I won't push the issue.
Markus had roses in his hair, when I saw him. Two of them, deep red against that dusty purple hue. Tha's new. But I'm... moved, in a secondhand way, that he took that motif on so strongly after he recieved it from Jewel way back when. It's significant. She's grateful for it.

+ There's a new kid in heartspace, I think. Lately when we need to listen despite this heavy headfog, someone has been 'shadowing' in order to do that. They're a Sky holder, and they aren't human-- they have big big ears, like a bat or something. Nevertheless when they are around it's borderline tangible, which is always something to take note of. No face yet, but definite roots growing.

+ There was a hack a few days ago. That's all I know. It was at night, and it resulted in a solid hour of Retributors screaming into the voice recorder. I haven't listened to it yet because it's shocking. It's jarring in a heart-wrenching way. Whenever audio files appear on the recorders, it takes me ages to get through them. To hear people talking through the body... it's surreal, it's wonderful, it's painful. In the wake of such an event it leaves me unable to respond, feeling both a tearfully relieved gratitude that they are there, that they care, that we survived-- and a horror that tears at my stomach and ribs, a sick nausea at knowing why they are there, why they are sobbing and shouting... why I wasn't there to hear them when it happened. It's so jumbled. But I'll have to take time tomorrow and transcribe it, if I can stomach it. I know there was a hugely important revelation when all was said and done, so... I'll do it, somehow. Me or someone else. But it'll be written out.


That's all I can think of tonight. I hope everyone is doing well.