insomnia

[prismaticbleed]

...Stuff keeps happening to me. Bad stuff.

First off is the Celexa withdrawal. I couldn't move without the room spinning for over a week... now that vertigo has focused itself on my eyes. I can't even see straight, let alone conquer the awful dizziness. I won't even mention the other 30+ side effects I'm going through right now (no, I'm not kidding).
I fell asleep at 2AM on Wednesday and woke up at 5PM. I then fell asleep again until 9, and had an attack. It left me so emotionally and physically drained that I ended up sobbing into my wreck of a bed for a good 20 minutes before I thoroughly exhausted myself. Not knowing what else to do, I asked Mel to pray for me and tried to get back to sleep. I didn't.
From 9PM to 2AM, I was wide awake, my entire body in pain. I was suffocating in a strange room and having one heck of an existential crisis... at one point I even found myself begging for God to just take me, as my trials were slowly destroying me... but then I realized that I couldn't die, not now. For one, if I died now I don't know where I'd go. I'm far from at peace with myself, and I've been making so many horrible mistakes...
I finally fell asleep around 3 and woke up again at 7AM. I was still in awful pain, but I dragged myself into the kitchen to force down some breakfast. Unluckily for me, everything edible in this apartment makes me dreadfully ill, so my attempt to get back on track after suffering 29 hours of hell only knocked me in deeper. I was trying hard not to throw up for about 10 minutes afterwards.
Now I'm here at Apollo, trying to document all this despite this madly spinning room and my toxic insides. It's mornings like this that I feel more lost than ever.

I've been at war with myself for the past 2 decades now, but lately things have really hit a fever pitch. I've been having spiritual meltdowns and my strength has been so depleted that even the slightest triggers are utterly ravaging me.
I'm terrified of the world out there. I can't even check my dA, Tumblr, or FB without getting a full-out mindrape from someone's sickeningly primal posts. It's blocking me from inspiring and reaching out to people, and I'm beginning to panic.
Not only that, but the existential crises I tend to suffer so often have decided to hit me every day now, except this time around they're bringing some very unsettling spiritual arguments with them.
"Without being at peace with yourself, you can't make it into heaven."
"Sin can suggest, but it cannot make you do anything. We are all given the chance to choose."
"You need to distinguish between what you feel is right, and what you know is right. Often the notion of 'following one's heart' is used as an excuse to avoid doing what is best because it's 'too hard' or complicated."
The path to hell is paved with good intentions, and all I've ever wanted to do is the right thing.
I'm so terrified right now.
God, don't let me do this to myself. Please.

...My angel had a sword last night.
I could see him there, standing beside my bed, just tall enough that his helmet was blocked by the canopy. Yet I saw the sword he solemnly held, and it filled me with crushing fear. Was it for me? Was I really to die?
I fell asleep moments after watching him attack something beside my bed... I don't know what it was, but he saved me from it. Thank you God.

I can't help but wonder if I really am 'the one,' as the black light machine told me. I don't want to be egotistical or selfish. I don't. I have no idea how the lives of others work, and so I can't say if I truly am unique in this, but... look at me. Look at my life so far.
Every time I come close to pretty much damning myself, someone or something shows up to stop me, or at least try to... and those messengers aren't quite typical either.
As a child, I tried to rebel against the faith my grandmother was forcing upon me. God gave me Preludove and showed me the right path to follow.
Growing up, I thought that the world around me knew what was best for me. God gave me three angels and taught me what love honestly was.
As a teenager, I lost sight of myself and my purpose. God gave me an amber child to take care of and so rediscover myself in the process.
Now in my adulthood, it seems that every day I'm finding something new and amazing, always in the face of something equally dark.
Q, Mel, Jim, Ben, Dori and Jena are only part of that beautiful picture... even things like music, books, movies, anything He can work through, He works through.

Did you know that, every time I catch myself at the edge of an attack, something happens to warn me? Every time.
On Tuesday, Mel sent me a text the second before I was about to give in. Wednesday night, a car drove by my window and cast a sparkling array of light against my canopy... the only car that drove by all night, and it did just as I was losing myself. It can be a sound, a sight, a feeling, it can even be in the form of someone upstairs showing up, but there's always an interruption. I'm just too blind to acknowledge every one, I'll confess. The spirit is willing but the flesh is weak, and considering how drained I've been lately, it's not helping one bit.
And yet God has never given up on me, not once, despite all the horrible mistakes I've made. He's always standing at the top of that hill, always waiting for his prodigal son to wander back, even for the thousandth time.
It brings me to tears to even think about it, but it's true.


That's why I'm so desperate to get myself back on the right track.
Something dark, something terrible has been eating away at me lately. Every time I try to sleep it's there, screwing up my perceptions, questioning my motives, corrupting my dreams. I'm scared to death of it but I don't know how to chase it away. Maybe it's another necessary trial, but God, if it's not please take it away from me.
It's the main reason why I haven't been working on my art or writing lately. That thing tries to destroy them behind my back. It takes those people-- the closest things I will ever have to children-- and it tries to make me see them as wrong, as evil, as mistakes. For lack of a better term, it's trying to make me abort my own kids once they've already been born. Whatever abomination is doing this to me, I want it GONE.
I can't even create a light for fear that it will reveal that thing hiding in the shadows, that it will murder me as soon as sight is given.
It's killing me. I can't go on like this.


I keep stumbling across people who hate. I don't understand it, but it scares me because the more I see, the more it tries to creep into my mind. I don't want it.
Life isn't about selfish desires or gains or wants. Just because you refuse to look into or even acknowledge someone else's point of view, doesn't mean that your own are infallible.
Life is a very frightening thing because there are so many conflicts, so many wrong turns and red herrings and false prophets. Sometimes I don't even know where I'm walking, and that terrifies me.
I guess it's just a matter of looking, of never giving up until you find the truth, even if it's the complete opposite of what others have told you.
Just... be careful.
I've learned that the truest things in life are those which shine. The bright and pure things, they're what life is all about.
But sometimes it's impossible to see them unless you know what the darkest things look like, too.

The story of Adam and Eve has always intrigued and worried me, as I still don't know the inherent truth of it.
The act of their fall, and the consequences of it, always seemed to clash with the fact of what happened. They "traded innocence for knowledge" and, in doing so, "gained the right to choose between good and evil."
It confuses me terribly as the act was still viewed as something very negative, as a direct disobeying of God's orders... and yet it was supposed to happen.
In a way, it makes me think of my own life. I've sinned, and I've suffered for each one... just like last night. I find myself convulsing in sobs, begging for forgiveness and asking why I keep falling like that.
And yet, my awareness of those awful wrongdoings helps me to avoid them in the future, and presses me to be more penitent and righteous.
It makes so little sense to me now, but I still put my faith in God and pray that He'll continue to guide me in the right direction lest I screw up again.
Yes, I have free will. Yes, my life is formed by my own choices, but... geez, without a light, where would I be now?

...
Am I really that innocent?
Is innocence in this world truly a good thing?
How can I know the truth?
I try so hard to be good, to be true, and the world still scares me. I don't understand them. That lack of knowledge... is it good or bad?
Have I damned or redeemed myself through my falls?


There's a little message I have taped above my workspace, so I see it every day. It goes like this...

"The next time you feel like God can't use you, just remember...
Noah was a drunk
Abraham was too old
Isaac was a daydreamer
Jacob was a liar
Leah was ugly
Joseph was abused
Moses had a stuttering problem
Gideon was afraid
Samson had long hair and was a womanizer
Rahab was a prostitute
Jeremiah and Timothy were too young
David had an affair and was a murderer
Elijah was suicidal
Isaiah preached naked
Jonah ran from God
Naomi was a widow
Job went bankrupt
John the Baptist ate bugs
Peter denied Christ
The Disciples fell asleep while praying
Martha worried about everything
The Samaritan woman was divorced, more than once
Zaccheus was too small
Paul was too religious
Timothy had an ulcer, and
Lazarus was dead!
Most importantly, don't forget... God helped them all."

I really love that. I should totally write my own version!

Yeah, I'm not doing so hot right now. Yes I'm still very lost and confused.
But... you know, God's still helping me.
I bet there's a light at the end of this tunnel after all.






On the opposite coast of sadness
is something called a smile
But before we can go there,
is there something we’re waiting for?

In order to chase our dreams,
We can’t have a reason to run away
We’ve got to go, to that far away summer’s day

If we find it tomorrow, we can’t sigh
Because, like a boat that opposes the stream
We have to walk straight on

In a place worn down by sadness
Something called a miracle is waiting
Yet we are still searching
For the sunflower that grows at the end of spring

The warrior who awaits the morning light
Before he can clasp it with red nails, his tears glitter and fall

Even if we’ve grown used to loneliness
Only relying on the light of the moon
We have to fly away with featherless wing
Just go foward, just a little further

As the rainclouds break
The wet streets sparkling
Although it brings only darkness
A powerful, powerful light
helps push us to walk on.