choice and accountability

[prismaticbleed]

 
The more I think about the unusual situation I'm in, the more I realize the underlying aspects of it. This is probably because I have never been in such a position before, but this is all still coming as a shock to me.
The first aspect that hit me is my sudden acceptance of (platonic) intimacy. In the past I was downright terrified of such things, but now I find myself literally looking for excuses to be closer to people. Is this a 'chameleon' reaction? It doesn't feel... genuine. It makes me feel terribly guilty, honestly. Still, if someone lets me get 'close' then that signifies trust, caring, love... doesn't it? I need that, I suppose. I need to know I'm not a bad person.
That thought brings me to another old but always relevant topic... I think I physically need Chaos Zero here. I'm always terrified of the thought that feeling that way makes me a hedonistic Red, but honestly, my motives are far different from those the word 'physical' may insinuate. No, I need him here physically for a purely emotional reason. See, ever since I was 13, there's always been one major aspect of him that fascinates me: he's incredibly hyper-emotional. That's what I run on, mind you. As painful as it may often be, I love when things are cranked up to extremes, especially 'internal' things like thoughts, emotions and perceptions. I just need things that are painfully, desperately, deeply real in my life. I won't lie... that's why I've been around Q so much lately. I'm still very uncomfortable with the sort of closeness he gives (I can't explain why; I'll have to think about it), but he's been stepping close to that emotional edge and I guess I keep waiting for him to cross it... heck, for anyone to cross it. I'd love to have that with Mel, but... I don't want her to suffer because of it. Yeah, I may be a pain addict, but seeing her hurt just kills me. So I don't know what to do with that... but that's why I've been deliberately searching for intimacy. I haven't felt anything like that in years, and I doubt that's a good thing. But I just feel that I'm using people for my own curiosity here. Am I?

Anyway... I've been conquering the numbness shockingly well since last night. I even got a burst of shockwaves this morning. Shockwaves! Those are incredibly hard to get so I'm trying to stay optimistic... it's just that in real time I'm currently at girl's camp (ech), so I might have to be careful so I don't accidentally offend anyone or come across the wrong way. Then again, any negative self-death would deal a near-fatal blow right about now, and I can't risk that, not at all.
By the way, Laurie's coming back to her senses. For some reason, both she and I completely lost stability on Wednesday, and it wasn't until Mel's late intervention that I (we?) started to revert. Don't get me wrong, I'm ecstatic that I'm (hopefully) over that awful numbness, but I'm still scared to death because I don't know what caused it and I don't want it to happen again, ever. I've never had one like this before. I'll have to talk to her about it on Friday if we have the opportunity... Lord knows she hates when I don't write our conversations down. The last thing I need is a mental axe-attack in the middle of camp, haha.

Also I really want to talk about my possible future. It's weird... I've never had a definite or visual idea of what I'd like to have until the past few months. Even stranger, in every single 'vision' I have of my future, I'm physically Jayce. Yes, I see future-me as 100% male. Not that I mind, but... is that possible for me? Sure, I'd love to live in a minimalist place and wear all white and be as inspirationally bizarre as I've always dreamed of being, but what steps would I have to take to get there? Genderwarp surgery isn't cheap, and I'm dying to be a dude in that sense, now that I've realized it's what I need.
Plus, all I can see myself doing is either 1) my 16+ world work, 2) writing soundtracks for anything that needs me and 3) being the most eccentrically naïve humanitarian you can possibly imagine. No kidding. So I'm terrified of somehow missing a step up to that ideal, so to speak. I can't mess up or it's all over... and it's not an easy challenge, not at all.

Time seems to be messing with me. The things I need more than anything are either in the distant past or distant future. I still don't recognize the skeleton I'm bound to. My depth perception is shot. I still miss people I lost years ago. My home isn't home, my family isn't physical, I ache for things this world has never dreamed of and I'm having so many nightmares... I don't know what to do.
I don't have any more time to type and I'm just dying to drown myself in something tragically beautiful, so maybe on Friday I'll put Rifle Recoil on loop and think a little more.
Shockwaves are only the first step.



I'm wishing on a star
To follow where you are
I'm wishing on a dream
To follow what it means
And I'll wish on all the rainbows that I see
I wish for all the people who dream a dream

I'm wishing on a star
To follow where you are...