you are only coming through in waves

[prismaticbleed]

 

I traveled over 2000 miles to be here. I've never been so anxious in my life.
And yet my mind never stops. It feels like a strange ethereal jellyfish, blinking with billions of tiny lights and thoughts and hopes and fears. It's always gazing upward, always wondering. It never sleeps.

My mind shut down on Wednesday night. It took me quite some time to figure out why. At first I thought it was pure guilt... but it wasn't until five minutes ago that I realized the full extent of that numbing catalyst.
Let me break it down for you:
1) I am currently living in the same state as 2 individuals I care for very much.
2) Of those 2 individuals, one of them used to 'be in a relationship' with me, and is now in a very strong relationship with the other.
3) As a result of this connection between the two, I cannot show any sort of love to either of them without feeling like a criminal.
I don't ask for reciprocation, no. I simply ask to give. You know, "I don't want to be adored... I'd like to shine a light on your life, to make you feel loved."
No, I don't want to be the only one you know... but you already have a place you call home. I don't want to be that place either. All I ask is for you to realize, to acknowledge the fact that I will also stand true, that if you ever need someone to run to, I'll be here.
The fact that I am virtually barred from showing this to either of those individuals is highly painful. I was suffering so much from self-deprecation and crushing guilt that I just... shut down.

I've been uncomfortably numb for almost 5 days now, and it is terrifying. I don't know what to do.

Despite my current emotional walls, I can thankfully still think. Ironically, this awful numbness is the only thing keeping me relatively sane in light of my now disturbingly lucid mind.
I am over 2000 miles away from the place I've called 'home' for the past 2 decades, and it's only now that I finally realize what 'home' should feel like.
That thought has in turn opened my eyes to something else. Why should I call one tiny dot on the map 'home' and not another? We all live on the same planet... we all look up to see the same sky. In a sadly beautiful way, everywhere is home, and yet so many places feel alien and unwelcome to us.
As for myself, all I need are a few notebooks, enough cash to get me where I'm going, and the clothes on my back... that's all I need to settle down somewhere.
I was driving through Cottonwood Heights this morning and as I looked at the scenery around me, I asked myself why I felt so apprehensive. No, I'd never been there before... I knew very few people and places there, and if I had been left on a street corner I would have had no idea where to turn. And yet, we would all feel that initial fear upon arriving in a 'new' place. It's natural... we need our security, our comfort, our familiarity. We also forget that those things need to develop, with no exceptions.
That is the reason why I need my outside love. To me, that's the only thing I need to feel at home. My books, my music, my work... they all contain countless hours of that love. And yet there's something terribly intriguing about having another soul in your life to give love to as well.
That's why I'm suffering. That's why I'm so numb right now. I couldn't handle the relentless ache of keeping everything inside, of keeping everything hidden, when I finally had a possible chance to let it all out. I traveled 2000 miles and took so many risks just to be here, just to be here for them. I put everything on the line for their love, just to find that I could not give it back... that I could not free this relentless light trapped within my ribcage.
It began to burn, so I hid it.


Right about now, I'd give anything just to feel that pain again.