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[prismaticbleed]

I'm penniless, jobless, lost.
All my money, all my savings, months and months of counting up what few paychecks I got, is gone. All spent on that infernal trip across the country.
I am so miserable. Why did I let myself be dragged into that? It wasn't the right time.
Why do I always feel obligated to do things that are detrimental to my well-being? This isn't altruism, this is abuse. Heck, if I were fatally allergic to dogs and someone told me to take care of theirs, I'd do it. Is that stupidity? Is that ignorance? What is it?
Every day I do this. Every day I ignore what I feel I should do and end up making horrible, horrible mistakes. Am I that convinced that my own motives are corrupt? Am I that bent on destroying my ego that I'm unconsciously striving to destroy myself through selflessly depraved acts? This has done nothing but make me more of a selfish villain, if anything.
I've become dangerously sensitive. The sound of a phone ringing is enough to fling me into a rage. Someone talking for one second longer than I expected can drive me to tears. If something is the wrong color, even slightly, I can suddenly fall into a panic. I don't know what this is. I feel like exploding every second of the day and I can't deal with it.

Who wants to hire someone like me?
I'm a transsexual queer with a ton of psychological distress and a history of self-abuse. My high-school job threatened to fire me several times for emotional breakdowns on the clock. My university even told me to put my education on hold until further notice, after every therapist in the psych department told me that they had no idea how to deal with me, after I failed every class I took for two semesters straight.
My arms are bloody with gravestones and my mind is ravaged with traumatic exposures. It was almost fine when the dangers of the world were in a book, on a screen, far away. When they were something distant and untouchable, I could easily pretend that they were all just some extravagant lie, some perverted fairy-tale, some dystopian view of life. But then I was shoved out into the world, and I realized all those dangers were real. I knew all about those things from my childhood, although I always prayed they would never actualize, although they had lived long before I. Why does this world allow such things to continue? Why does this world view such atrocities as normal, as expected?
I can't function as a typical human being. I've learned this the hard way. Still, I'm stuck in this place where it seems only the plastic-mold people succeed. It's sad.
Do you know what else is sad? I'm tired of being so depressed and beaten-down. I'm also tired of false happiness. Yet, I am being plagued by them from every side. Yes, I've probably mentioned this before, but it deserves reiteration.
The largest part of my problem is the fact that I am scared to death of doing entirely the wrong thing. It is why I often drop projects and ideas and thoughts entirely if one person makes a sarcastic comment or offhanded remark. What if they're right, I wonder? What if I really am being an idiot, what if I am being shallow, what if I am being arrogant?
That brings us right back to the first point.

I want out of this. I want to be able to work on what is right and true without being bombarded by hellions. It's sickening.
I'm a terrible father.