prismaticbleed | sleeping in sunshine (Reply)

So I've realized that my work really has become my life.
Seriously, after some soul-searching last night (and an unusually eye-opening dream) I've realized that my 'children' are the only reason I do 99% of what I do-- outside of trying to live as a good person, that is.
They're also the only thing I can consider 'home.' Yep, I found it!
Think back to my life before 2003, kids... I spent every waking moment living in those worlds, and I was never happier. I was completely safe, completely at home. Once high school distracted me from that joy, stuff started going downhill... and for years I couldn't figure out why. That unconditional love is what I've been trying to re-capture all this time!
Why else do I try to change the subject of every situation to my work? Geez, why else do I leave books open and computer screens alight and sentences unfinished, all for the sake of hinting towards some new dream I've given life to? It's not for me, it never is.
I get so much joy and love from them, that I need to let other people feel it too.
And that's the real reason I'm loathe to leave here.
I spoke to my mother and a handful of other individuals, and they all agree that I need to get out because the situation is dangerous to me. However, I haven't bought tickets because 'people here haven't seen my work before and I think they actually like it!' It's the naive joy of a kid whose drawings are hung up on the refrigerator... I just want my children to be appreciated. I'm just too shortsighted to realize that I don't have to put myself through this just to get that. This isn't even the genuine support I need.
I need to get to work, get that work out in the world, and watch it do what it was meant to do.
You can't build a reputation on what you plan on doing, you know. You are what you create. No one else can choose my life's path for me; no one is going to create my future but me.
What you think and do affects all other people... well, I'm more than ready to get my life back on the road, and I think I finally realized what the first step is.

Time to pack up those sketchbooks and buy a plane ticket; I'm tired of always waiting for someone else to make my decisions.
I have dreams, I have goals, and so help me but I'm going to do whatever it takes to reach them.
If there's such a lack of angels in the world, I think it's time to put some in.