nov 27

[prismaticbleed]

 

So I just had to drive down to the mother's house (we need to borrow her car for tomorrow or else I would have no way to get to therapy), and Genesis showed up to ride in the front seat for the drive home, as usual. He likes to accompany me in cars and that's really nice, because I tend to dissociate massively otherwise, or have panic attacks (or both! that's not fun).
Tonight, it helped more than usual, I think. I was still badly depersonalized, nothing felt real, and I was even doubting his being there, despite us having done this hundreds of times over the past 6+ years... but he just shrugged, all gold and amber confidence, and remarked, "even if I did only exist in your head, at least it's an existence, and a pretty darn good one too. And I'd be thankful for that."
He then gave me a pointed look, noticing my hesitation, and said that I don't have much faith or trust in myself at all.
I tend to seek outside validation for everything, INCLUDING my own physical existence, because I don't feel my own personal experience is valid, ever. And so even when I do experience things that practically prove, beyond all doubt, that these amazing individuals "inside my head" ARE real, and not just a fever dream... even then, I will only believe in them if someone else says that I can. That's a problem. That is a big problem and it needs to be understood, so that we can fix it. Not sure where to start though. It's old and deep.
But tonight it was raining, and Gen and I were driving together like we used to back in college... even putting the windows down in spite of the weather, trying to experience every last frozen atom of life in those moments. And it's funny, how quickly I stop guessing at the reality of everything in little joyful moments like that.
Then I put Lux Aeterna on the car speakers and for five minutes I wasn't scared or doubtful at all, because the music sounded so much like Infinitii that the mere notion of disbelief became unbelievable.


I'm exhausted and as I said, we need to be awake in 8 hours for therapy (thank goodness I could use a session right now), but at least right now I'm feeling a little more like myself than I have been in recent days. Being someone who splinters is never enjoyable.
Sorry about the mess of updates lately; I'm trying to be more communicative but often things just come out jumbled. It's an effort though, and no effort is ever lost.
Much love to everybody, including myself, because I usually forget that part. See you tomorrow.

-Jay

 

@ 10:52 pm

Just a short update as not much was discussed today in therapy, but we've never discussed it here, so it is worth mentioning.

(Cautionary TW for suggestions of abuse.)

 

Our current concern-- which is also the biggest concern for the System-- is, "what do we do with Julie?"
She's one of the first 3 people in the System, but she was the first introject. However, she was not abusive at the outset-- instead, she was created by either Jess or Jezebel as little more than a vessel for their hatred, as a virtual punching bag to take all the rage they couldn't express on the outside. And that is horrible, but it is true.
Unfortunately for all of us, Julie started fighting back around 2002, now a manifestation of all the negativity the others shoved into her. However, Jewel and Cel were our main people at that time, and their biggest fears quickly became "what if Julie suddenly takes over our body? What if she pretends she's us, and does horrible things to other people?" They didn't know why Julie was tormenting them, only that she was. Julie didn't care; she relentlessly insisted that "they had her body and she wanted it back," threatening to take it from them, or make their lives terrible enough that they'd give it to her.
And that continued, for almost 10 solid years, until in August 2011, the first male Jewel managed to bring enough light and forgiveness into the System for Julie to temporarily find some hope and switch sides. So she worked with us for almost two years, and after a while, we all actually grew to like her. She showed a great deal of potential, as well as a lasting desire to start a new life.
Then, this August, she suddenly walked out the door and went back to her original role: the abuser. And we can't seem to talk her out of it this time.

Infinitii and Jay are the only ones brave and capable enough to risk approaching her, to offer kindness and understanding, to show her that we'll gladly have her back with us if she would only promise one thing: to stop using the body for things that, whether she likes it or not, cause severe troubles for the rest of the System.
She refuses, every time.
She outright hates Infinitii because of his role-- specifically, to heal the physical and psychological harm she inflicted-- and Jay because of his inability to understand her situation or mindset... so his attempts to "help her" feel like an insulting affront, as she has said.

Still, Jay insists that he can feel an odd self-loathing emanating from her. He doesn't understand her vicious attitude, but thinks that "maybe she thinks she can only be the villain," concerning her original created role. However I must point out the discrepancy here, as she was not treated as a "villain" for two straight years, and she deliberately chose to return to that role now.
Perhaps there is something we are all missing.

 

The therapist says we should see if there are any "positive outlets" that Julie can use, rather than hijacking the body for harmful purposes. We aren't sure if there are; Julie doesn't seem to want positive outlets.
We're unsure how to progress here, but we are all aware that helping her would help all of us as well. Whether she likes it or not, we are all united here, and no part is less important than another.
She may laugh and say the consequences of her actions are insignificant, but she is ignoring the fear of the children, the pain of the abused, and the fury of the protectors. She has a responsibility to act for the good of all, and yet she refuses.

So what do we do? We can't exactly kick her out... and to be honest, we really don't want to. We'd rather see her smiling again, and living a life free of mindless enslavement to her own addictions and impulses. That's no easy goal, though.
Still, we are open to any and all suggestions and support, both from inside and outside the System.