notes taken during therapy today

[prismaticbleed]

if you don’t know something yet, YOURE NOT READY TO KNOW IT YET.
it's PROTECTION.
D.I.D. is a protection-based condition; alters exist TO protect the core/host/etc.
if a certain memory/ datum/ etc. will allegedly harm or otherwise damage them, it will be HIDDEN FROM THEM
it does not mean you are a "failure" for losing time/ forgetting things/ etc.!
nor does it mean you are a "failure" for not having solved everything yet
there are LAYERS to things that are only encountered WHEN THINGS STOP BEING HIDDEN.
if you are missing a LOT of time, DO NOT EXPECT THAT TIME PERIOD TO BE "HEALED" YET.
chances are it is NOT because something in it is being HIDDEN FROM YOU for a REASON.


☆ fear layering? multiple people being triggered in different ways by the SAME THING
e.g. the "kitchen incident" in slc; feeling trapped, fear of abuse/assault, etc.
but that fear came from SEVERAL SOURCES
the children were afraid for totally different reasons than the older kids were afraid!
they experienced different contexts, memories, etc. but they ALL FELT FEAR. it got blended.
so you cannot assume there is "just one reaction" to things like that. again, there are layers.


hardest thing to accept= that the people who hurt us through ignorance CHOSE TO BE IGNORANT.
therefore they will probably NEVER APOLOGIZE because they WILL NOT ACCEPT THAT DESPITE HAVING "GOOD INTENTIONS", THE THINGS THEY DID WERE FRIGHTENING/ HARMFUL TO US.
so have compassion.
yes it was damaging but they could not accept that? so they turned away and refused to acknowledge any pain.
long story short do your own healing work. don't expect them to play ANY part in this anymore.
they do not need to, and it is rude to expect them to, even if you feel you need closure.
it's not going to happen. that time is done. they have moved on. you must too.
let go, let go, let go.
we do not want any further ties to that time period (it is not ours and holding on to it is holding us back), but we are currently unable to let go completely because there are still lessons we need to learn from it, things to heal.


☆ re-enact ALL traumatic stuff in SLC with Amara/ etc. (introjects????) to HEAL THAT.
react in the way we WANTED TO. ASSERT YOURSELF!
we cannot change the literal past BUT we can get INTERNAL CLOSURE where external closure is impossible
i.e. in situations where we dissociated/ blanked out/ shut down instead of speaking up or moving to safety,
we need to forgive ourselves because AT THAT TIME, SHUTTING DOWN WAS OUR SAFEST OPTION.
WE WERE DOING OUR BEST WITH WHAT WE KNEW AT THE TIME.
remember we didn't even know we HAD D.I.D. back in 2010/2012!!! so "switching" AND dissociaton was totally alien!
therefore. forgive yourself. you were just trying to survive. even if what you did was unwise. you were too scared, you didn't know better.
BUT NOW WE DO.
now we are older, we have grown, we have knowledge and wisdom.
SO NOW, WE WOULD NOT REACT THE SAME WAY IN THOSE SITUATIONS!!!!
that is where the guilt/rage/sorrow is coming from. it's cognitive dissonance, and feeling 'trapped in time' as a result.
SO. mentally "relive" those memories and CHANGE THE ENDINGS.
express what you desperately wish you had expressed.
do what you desperately wished you had done.
YOU CAN DO IT NOW. YOU COULDN'T HAVE THEN. THAT IS THE KEY.



☆you can't hurt someone emotionally unless you are TRYING to!
people can get offended but that is THEIR REACTION.
(we keep forgetting this applies to others; we think we are explicitly at fault for everything they do/say/feel)

"YOU CAN'T MAKE ANYBODY DO ANYTHING. IT'S ALL THEIR CHOICE!!!"
this applies to you too dude
HOWEVER.
people can STILL push your buttons. some people know what will trigger you and will do that on PURPOSE.
but you need to figure out how to properly react. a knee-jerk reaction does NOT have to be acted upon.
you can LEAVE, to take care of yourself and the cause of that reaction properly.
you are NOT OBLIGATED TO LET PEOPLE MANIPULATE YOU just because they know HOW.

saying things like "you may feel hurt by this, but that is not my intention…"
indicating your motives?
letting sensitive people know beforehand that you DO NOT want to harm them; if they think so it is projection.


ALSO. as of late "projection" has been huge?
thinking of the tibetan book of the dead with this, "angry gods" and consciousness
still thinking "the world is gleefully waiting for us to fall?"
old fears still stuck. afraid we're not "good enough."
really this is because we KNOW how to heal but we're doubting ourselves, not taking those steps, we're repeating old ones, WHY?
be brave. you are ALLOWED to be healthy. you are ALLOWED to be happy. you are ALLOWED to heal.
you are not obligated to suffer.
we feel like dirt compared to our brothers; we feel like filth, like we're unworthy and disgusting and embarrasing to the family,
we're utterly ashamed of our medical and psychological problems, we know it's a stress and burden on the family,
so we're kind of going in torturous circles here?
"that's all you'll ever amount to, you're not worth any better, you won't get better," etc.
so we think that's true.
guess what IT'S NOT TRUE
"YOU ARE WHO YOU CHOOSE TO BE"
YOU DO NOT HAVE TO BE WHAT THEY TELL YOU TO BE
THEIR WORDS ARE NOT AUTOMATICALLY THE GOSPEL TRUTH JUST BECAUSE THEY SPOKE THEM.
OTHER PEOPLE ARE NOT INFALLIBLE.
IT IS POSSIBLE FOR YOUR FAMILY TO BE WRONG ABOUT YOU.
YOU ARE ALLOWED TO THINK DIFFERENTLY FROM YOUR FAMILY.
IT IS NOT WRONG TO HAVE YOUR OWN EXPERIENCES AND OPINIONS.
you know what you need to be healthy.
you know what you need to be happy.
DO IT.


the therapist agrees:
"we are our own missing link"
the KEY to health
the KEY to recovery
IS INTERNAL COMMUNITY.
just like the song lyrics
"our strength is in communion"
we exist together because, for whatever reason, our body/mind/soul/etc. decided that OUR EXISTENCE was the BEST CHANCE FOR SURVIVAL.
and we have gained so much wisdom.
IF YOU'RE DISCONNECTED, YOU CAN'T TAP INTO THAT STUFF.
so stop ignoring headspace and trying to be "normal" already
stop ignoring people when they talk to you
stop following old outside behavior patterns

why are you so scared to be true to yourself???
are you scared because you know someone will yank you out of it eventually and you don't want to deal with the physical world?
well here's what to do
tune back inside first
get your grounding
find your true north
put down your deepest roots
heart is where the home is.
THEN you can face the outside world and NOT GET BATTERED BY IT.
you need solid ground in solidarity first.
that's the key
we can do this together
you don't have to do it alone
you're not alone.
you're not unworthy.
you're part of us, too.
and we know you care for us as much as we care for you.

and for the record,
with all the reset attempts,
nothing has ever stuck.
truly,
it's impossible not to be "us."
so don't be scared.
you haven't been abandoned.
we will always care.
you always have love and support in here.
don't turn your back on love when you need it most.
you're worthy of it.
you're worthy of it.
all of you, yes, even you.
even you.


(11:11 typing this in.)


don't be afraid, we can do this.
we can do this.
we can do this.

and don't say "i can't."
you're never alone, you're never helpless.
you're an important part of something greater
and you are never without help.


have hope. have faith in this.
no matter what happens,
at heart,
we'll be okay.
we'll always be okay.