nov 19 2015

[prismaticbleed]

I wasn't sure what icon to use for this, but the heavy personal symbolism in this one is really the most relevant thing in the world right now.


Let's start with daily events first.

Today was decent, but split into a small infinity thanks to dissociation. We went to work and sanded down a fender for 3 hours, but then we apparently went shopping before therapy, and I have no recollection of that for the most part. I do know Genesis (who always lounges in the shopping cart) was trying to help us out and stay coherent while in the store-- I did come through for a sparse few seconds here and there and spoke to him then-- but unfortunately we still got awfully switchy. That seems to happen a lot when we shop.

Therapy was good. We're reviewing an ancient entry from 2013 that we have NO memory of for the most part, save for that bit at the mall (which I'm glad for, as it was one of the first times Julie ever felt positive and happy). We didn't get to that bit yet but we will on Monday. Nevertheless, today we read that dream with the Pale Man, which ended up with us discussing Jungian dream archetypes for about 20 minutes. What stood out to me was that she mentioned houses=the self, which immediately made me laugh because we always used to dream of rainbow-themed houses, what with rooms being upholstered entirely in one color and style. I never thought to link that symbolism to headspace before. I told her about our constant motif of stairs, which I know represents traveling between levels of awareness/ consciousness, but she mentioned that spiral stairs represent rebirth? Our stairs are usually like this, which isn't quite a spiral, but that's an interesting thing to remember.
She said she believed our always dreaming of huge labyrinthine empty buildings that still felt safe and inviting in their vastness, represented our inner world, and the sense of it being just as vast and complex and safe to our "host" or whoever first started hiding out in there, so to speak.
She also mentioned how basements= the subconscious, and locked doors showed hidden information, et cetera... I noted that we've been dreaming of lower-levels in buildings a lot lately, and also noted that I cannot remember ever needing to open a door in a dream. If I dream about a huge building with lots of people in it, that's when I might start feeling like I "shouldn't be there," and then there are also frequently locked doors (as people are having meetings and appointments and things in those rooms, or just have a business office they want private).
Lastly we reviewed some colors. She specifically wanted to check black, which I already knew most of, but there was one line at the beginning that caught Infinitii's immediate attention and I can't recall what it exactly was... I'll have to have her repeat it on Monday. But I asked her to check Green, as we've been getting panic attacks from that color since Jasmine's terrorism in the summer. Again, I was aware of most of the data, but the thing that stood out to me at once was the negative quality of overgrowth... in the sense of having left something go untamed and/or unchecked for so long, that it became a thorny choking mess... and the fact that apparently virtually all religious deities associated with death are also associated with green. So that was interesting. I told her I could feel what we had to do, but couldn't put it into words.
In any case I'm intrigued; we should go back and check our dream journal more thoroughly for previously-overlooked symbolism and patterns. Our therapist is very interested in this too so it'd be worth a look.

I'm losing my train of thought, I'm sorry.

When we came home someone again tried valiantly to eat, but then-- God knows why-- the brother walked in and decided to start eating at the same time. I don't know why he waits until we start cooking to come in and eat. I don't know if he's doing it on purpose, or if we just have bad timing, or what. All I know is that we INSTANTLY dissociate, and as a result I have no recollection of what happened other than apparently, what we bought got tossed. I'd complain but apparently what we bought wasn't very wise anyway so we're better off this way I guess.

Choir practice was good. They let me take home one of the fancy hymnals for a week so I can review some of the songs in there (I asked as a few really stood out to me when I flipped through it). We're having two special masses this week, one at our church and one two blocks away at Holy Mother of Sorrows. Of course I'm going to that-- even better, their choir loft is full of little crystal chandeliers. So it resonates quite a bit.

On the way home, playing Me, Liquor and God with the windows down as usual... I realized something.
I was wondering about all this switching lately, all these unconsciously-abusive alters, and all the malevolent ones... how it's been so hard to feel grounded or even alive in the wake of that, with so many people going in and out so often. It's never been like this. The body's been so sick, those socials aren't taking care of it at all, headspace has been paradoxically abandoned in the wake of that although we haven't had a numb period in my memory... things are a sort of stagnant mess. We're trying so hard to heal but nothing's really happened and I kept wondering, why, what's the root of all this, when did this even start--
And then I realized it was cold out and the windows were down and we were driving down that beloved back road and it hit me.
I know when this started. I think we all do, however subtly.

Chaos 0 & I were always the lynchpin holding everything together.
When our relationship started to falter, everything else did too.


I've been trying to fix it for months, if not longer. I don't know, my memory is just as broken as most else up here right now.

I'm reading things in that tag right now and I'm on the verge of sobbing.
God. Why is this still a fire in my heart, why is this still the most sincere thing I've ever felt, and yet right now it feels like there's a glacier of glass between us?
It's not even numbness. Lord knows NOTHING is numb right now. There's not even distance, no, not anymore; we see each other every day and we speak of love every night and we're never alone, we know this.
But there's something. There's a damned something standing between us and it shouldn't be there and it's doing something criminal by being there but what even is it?
Jewel thinks it's shame. I wonder if it's that and fear. I wonder if Laurie was right back when she first said it, and this is nothing but the weed-choked result of one bad bad seed being ignorantly dropped into our forest way back.
All I know is that whoever 'I' was before, back then, isn't me now. Right now, I'm in love and I'm angry that there is, like I said, this perfectly transparent wall in the way, and I'm only angry because I'm heartbroken and I don't know why in the world it's there or where it even came from.

It's too late to talk about this right now, I am so sorry. We do need sleep.
Tomorrow is Friday, so God willing we'll have a free afternoon, and I'll think/feel/type more about this then.


I feel somewhat foolish. Of course the hackers always targeted relationships in the System. Of course they always tried to mangle our understanding of love. Love is the only thing that can stop them. I just... never realized the true extent of that lying damage until now, now that I'm feeling both the consequential hurt and the utter absence of it.
How in the world did I never quite give this love the credit it was always due?
The guilt and shame and fear they planted make no sense at all and yet they linger. All I can do is be a living testament to their fallaciousness. This is a war that can only be won with light, and we have plenty of that up here, by the grace of God as it were.


The last thing I want to say is the most important.
Immediately after realizing this disharmony, and remembering what it felt like to not be like this... remembering exactly what it once felt like for every sparkle of this bloodline to be in love... I felt absolutely right.
For the first time in too long, I felt so in tune I could have been mistaken for a symphony on that back road. I felt like me. I felt alive.
And that's when I knew, without a doubt, that this needs to be fixed above anything else right now. Yes there are a lot of pressing concerns. We will continue to deal with them. But this is what needs healing immediately, because once it is mended, I have a strong feeling that everything else will start falling into place.

"...If I have the gift of prophecy and can fathom all mysteries and all knowledge, and if I have a faith that can move mountains, but do not have love, I am nothing..."


He's been singing again lately and there are no words, no words in any language to express what that does to my heart.



I do need to sleep, not just because we're exhausted but also because I haven't seen or spoken to him closely since realizing this and I need that just as much.

We'll see you in the morning.