180°

[prismaticbleed]

 

 

Updating from our phone. Talk about breaking new ground.
But that's not the half of it.
Let me give you a quick update.

Friday, the 11th, we had therapy at 11am. However, when we walked in, our therapist said that our genetic mother had called her, and was apparent dumping the ugliest accusatory "info" as possible, trying to get us in trouble as usual, always expecting the Worst from us. But our therapist smiled wryly and said, "she was shocked that I already knew all of that." Because we are EXTREMELY open and honest, Especially in therapy. But our genetic family, despite years of our trying to prove ourself, with therapists and other folks backing us up, REFUSE to trust us. They CONSISTENTLY expect us to do the Worst Thing, and that is both awfully painful and crushingly depressing.
However. Our therapist ALSO knows that. She is VERY aware of how toxic they can be, Especially after both meeting and talking with them herself. And, most of all, she knows how extra paranoid and accusatory and weirdly psychologically/ emotionally cruel they've been since we returned from NC.
Our therapist knows, better than we do, how that house and its people are killing us. She knows we're under constant choking stress. She knows our trauma triggers are constantly being set off, often intentionally. She knows we're too depressed there to eat, too distraught and hopeless to not abusively binge, too wrecked by anxiety to not throw up even a glass of water. She knows we're losing weight fast. She knows we're not sleeping. And, she knows that we're "cutting" again. Retribution. The only way to feel like we're NOT as full of tarry evil as the genetic fam says. The only way we can shock ourselves back into System existence some nights.
She knows we CANNOT SURVIVE in that house anymore.
So she told us we had to leave.

...It wasn't as big of a shock as it would have been two weeks ago. Four months ago, it would have been violently refused.
But now? Having just returned from 9 days in the MOST loving, peaceful, safe environment we have EVER lived in-- a place where WE could BE "WE"-- after that, we suddenly had something truly good and healthy TO compare our current house environment against. And so, suddenly and shockingly, for the first time in our life... We could SEE, beyond any doubt, just how toxic it really was.
We wanted out.
And now we HAD to.

We got back to that house around 7pm. We got dinner on the road. We brought a suitcase.
It took us over 6 hours, but when we were done in those early morning hours, everything we owned was cleaned up, pared down, and packed.
The next morning, we got in our car, drove away, and didn't look back.

It felt like we had took our first breath. There are, also for the first time ever, NO emotional, psychological, physical, or financial ties shackling us to that place. For the first time ever, we COULD effortlessly let go. Almost overnight, everything just... changed. We Never belonged there. But now, it was impossible to even pretend.
That story has finally ended.

Now, we are between books.
Right now, I'm lying down in the guest bedroom of my dad's apartment. Tomorrow we see our therapist. Tomorrow we make TONS of legal phone Calls. Tomorrow we move these boxes into one last suitcase.
Tomorrow, if all goes best, we get an estimate date.

And then, all that is left is to drive down to North Carolina.
All that is left is to go home.

And then, the second book begins.