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prismaticbleedNeed to let my inner fervor of faith show in the physical, instead of suppressing it for unknown reasons.
Reading about saint Andrew, his zeal for evangelization. Why am I not doing this? Why am I not sharing the Gospel with my brothers?? Honestly I'm "nervous" to. "How would I do it?" Afraid of not knowing HOW to lead others to Christ HONORABLY. I think my life right now is too DISHONORABLE for me to have any merit in preaching. This is quenching my fervor and it is VERY BAD.
I need God's help to change. My lone efforts fail forever because the nature of sin in a sinful world is ENDLESS. The devil will ALWAYS find a new curse, a new trap, a new addiction. The ONLY WAY OUT is a hard stop, complete and total, no looking back-- a headfirst dive into God. Because if living in sin is hell, the ONLY escape IS CHRIST-- the Presence of God Who harrowed hell itself!! Sin CANNOT EXIST in His Presence! He is our SOLE SAFETY AND REFUGE.
I have SO MUCH LOVE FOR GOD in my heart all the time, it's like a brilliant flame, it feels expansive but not slow or heavy. Its quick and bright and alive and fervent and ardent and weeping with joy. It wants to get moving Right Now to put that love into ACTION. And THAT'S HOW I WANT TO LIVE!!! I MUST!
I'm reading about the Apostles and I just LOVE them all, and I cant wait to meet them in heaven and praise God together, BUT. now a sudden shame and unworthiness appears and SMOTHERS that loving flame. It's a horrid feeling, a literal death-chill. I hate it; I must battle it daily. But it's such a convincing liar. Is it? I AM ugly and sinful and unworthy of love. BUT. Jesus died for me even when I was ACTIVELY living a HERETICAL lifestyle. Jesus loved me EVEN THEN SO HE COULD SAVE ME. So now, in my struggle to do better for Him, why would He not love me? The devil lies. Yes I am unworthy and ugly but I STILL LOVE GOD AND HE STILL LOVES ME AND THAT IS WHAT MATTERS. Unworthiness has nothing to do with acting on love. We're ALL unworthy of it. Love pours Himself out anyway.
⭐Eating food is FATAL to my spiritual state. This terrifies me. Certain foods even make me more prone to hearing demonic voices. Food in general is a scary thing. I want to fast SO BADLY, but my body is malnourished, so starving myself makes it SCREAM for food. I fight it, but then I start to faint, go numb, etc. But meals are a bottomless pit into hell. Eating is an Unending struggle.
I want to scream and sob because I TRIED to be "a good and normal unafraid girl" today and I shared lunch with grandma at the hospital, which was fish, pierogies, and jello. And I IMMEDIATELY felt like I was in hell. My mind clouded and darkened, I began to dissociate and act dishonestly and unconsciously, and a MASSIVE panic attack hit. To top it all off, my stomach INSTANTLY rebelled, and I ran to the bathroom to vomit. I wanted to cry. I am SO SICK of the poison of food. So now I'm eating carrots and salad BUT I had a hard-boiled egg and now my eyes are burning and my chest is itching and my vision is getting puffy so I might have to take Benadryl too. God WHY. My poor gut is BEGGING me to vomit up the poison so I can be clean and safe and empty but I CAN'T because the water here is non-potable and I can't leave until 3 anyway. God help me.
So my stomach is a disaster. Which means I can't receive Holy Communion today because there's too high of a regurgitation risk.
Food can all go to hell. I'm sick of it sending me there.
Honestly I'm going to have to try and purge as soon as I get home. I don't plan on sleeping. I can't sleep if I'm this ill anyway.
God help me I'm so tired of this.
...Maybe I CAN receive. If I purge before Church, then eat cucumbers when I get home, I can keep that down. We'll see. I can't bear the thought of not receiving. I'd rather die.
Reading about saint Andrew, his zeal for evangelization. Why am I not doing this? Why am I not sharing the Gospel with my brothers?? Honestly I'm "nervous" to. "How would I do it?" Afraid of not knowing HOW to lead others to Christ HONORABLY. I think my life right now is too DISHONORABLE for me to have any merit in preaching. This is quenching my fervor and it is VERY BAD.
I need God's help to change. My lone efforts fail forever because the nature of sin in a sinful world is ENDLESS. The devil will ALWAYS find a new curse, a new trap, a new addiction. The ONLY WAY OUT is a hard stop, complete and total, no looking back-- a headfirst dive into God. Because if living in sin is hell, the ONLY escape IS CHRIST-- the Presence of God Who harrowed hell itself!! Sin CANNOT EXIST in His Presence! He is our SOLE SAFETY AND REFUGE.
I have SO MUCH LOVE FOR GOD in my heart all the time, it's like a brilliant flame, it feels expansive but not slow or heavy. Its quick and bright and alive and fervent and ardent and weeping with joy. It wants to get moving Right Now to put that love into ACTION. And THAT'S HOW I WANT TO LIVE!!! I MUST!
I'm reading about the Apostles and I just LOVE them all, and I cant wait to meet them in heaven and praise God together, BUT. now a sudden shame and unworthiness appears and SMOTHERS that loving flame. It's a horrid feeling, a literal death-chill. I hate it; I must battle it daily. But it's such a convincing liar. Is it? I AM ugly and sinful and unworthy of love. BUT. Jesus died for me even when I was ACTIVELY living a HERETICAL lifestyle. Jesus loved me EVEN THEN SO HE COULD SAVE ME. So now, in my struggle to do better for Him, why would He not love me? The devil lies. Yes I am unworthy and ugly but I STILL LOVE GOD AND HE STILL LOVES ME AND THAT IS WHAT MATTERS. Unworthiness has nothing to do with acting on love. We're ALL unworthy of it. Love pours Himself out anyway.
⭐Eating food is FATAL to my spiritual state. This terrifies me. Certain foods even make me more prone to hearing demonic voices. Food in general is a scary thing. I want to fast SO BADLY, but my body is malnourished, so starving myself makes it SCREAM for food. I fight it, but then I start to faint, go numb, etc. But meals are a bottomless pit into hell. Eating is an Unending struggle.
I want to scream and sob because I TRIED to be "a good and normal unafraid girl" today and I shared lunch with grandma at the hospital, which was fish, pierogies, and jello. And I IMMEDIATELY felt like I was in hell. My mind clouded and darkened, I began to dissociate and act dishonestly and unconsciously, and a MASSIVE panic attack hit. To top it all off, my stomach INSTANTLY rebelled, and I ran to the bathroom to vomit. I wanted to cry. I am SO SICK of the poison of food. So now I'm eating carrots and salad BUT I had a hard-boiled egg and now my eyes are burning and my chest is itching and my vision is getting puffy so I might have to take Benadryl too. God WHY. My poor gut is BEGGING me to vomit up the poison so I can be clean and safe and empty but I CAN'T because the water here is non-potable and I can't leave until 3 anyway. God help me.
So my stomach is a disaster. Which means I can't receive Holy Communion today because there's too high of a regurgitation risk.
Food can all go to hell. I'm sick of it sending me there.
Honestly I'm going to have to try and purge as soon as I get home. I don't plan on sleeping. I can't sleep if I'm this ill anyway.
God help me I'm so tired of this.
...Maybe I CAN receive. If I purge before Church, then eat cucumbers when I get home, I can keep that down. We'll see. I can't bear the thought of not receiving. I'd rather die.
