divine mercy

[prismaticbleed]

I just prayed the spiritual communion prayer on EWTN, and as I was asking Christ to "take me into His heart" and "turn me into Himself" and "unite me so closely to Him that I may never be separated from Him, even for a moment" and despite the fact that my heart and soul truly yearn for those things, as a deer pants for running streams, as a starving child hungers for bread, I realized, quite jarringly, that something in my battered soul was still scared. And I wondered, why? There's nothing scary about that! But then it hit me, all of a sudden, that I wasn't scared of Jesus. I'm scared of me.
I'm scared that I will corrupt Him.
That's impossible, literally impossible. If I am united with Christ, all the evil and stupidity and weakness in me will dissolve as totally a snowflake in a firestorm. That's a HUGE source of hope that I NEED to remind myself of when I feel like this.
But then, of course, there is that weakness of the flesh, of the ego-- that fear of "losing one's 'self'" in the process of becoming Christ, of having one's selfish identity dissolved as well, in the new identity of Christ living through us. That is a GORGEOUS hope AND truth that I also need to cling to, but of course, the body doesn't want to do it. It's scared of death, forgetting that in God, there is always a Resurrection as well. If my 'ego' dies in Christ, then it is also resurrected in Christ, but WITHOUT EVIL. It becomes purified, and FINALLY becomes the sort of 'self' I WANT it to be, and that I am sure it wants to be too. So I don't understand why it's still scared of death in that respect, scared of 'losing itself' in the process of finding itself, as it says right in the Gospel. But it flinches at the thought, and resists. It thinks that if it's gone, there's nothing-- IRONICALLY, SEEING AS I HAD D.I.D. FOR LIKE TWELVE SOLID YEARS. That was PROOF that even if one part of my psyche was totally dormant and unconscious OR even "dead," THE SOUL DOES NOT DIE, and there was always someone else to take over. But I think maybe that's the fear in my head-- that fear of being asleep while "Christ drives the car." Nevermind that that's a really touching idea, like a child, trusting in their parent totally to the point of serenely falling asleep in a moving vehicle-- but that's not what happens in Christ, that ignorant dormancy. No, when we "lose ourselves" in Christ, WE are not annihilated, but TRANSFORMED.