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prismaticbleedI forgot that I can't eat fruit pectin! It gives me SEVERE NAUSEA and EXCRUCIATING PAIN-- literally a 9 on the pain scale-- all through my stomach, neck, shoulders, chin, and face! It's HORRIFIC. 😵 And I got this from a TEASPOON of grape jelly. JEEPERS.
Thanks be to God for reminding me of this though. I FORGOT about how sensitive my stomach is with this; I've been very careful about avoiding reaction foods for so long, that the reality of WHY I avoid them totally slipped my mind. Kind of like when I stopped eating corn and my chronic pain went away; you get so used to either the relief or the agony that you forget the existence of the alternative.
King Abgar: a pagan, but "a man of integrity;" converted to Christianity via Saint Jude= "I know my sheep and they know me"= a GENUINELY good man will ALWAYS become Christian when given the opportunity for this very reason. Someone who claims to be righteous but rejects Christ is NOT GENUINELY RIGHTEOUS, because Christ is the SOURCE of real virtue.
"Love covereth a multitude of sins" = thinking about telling grandma that Lou made a dirty joke yesterday. But why? I was genuinely looking to "get him in trouble!" But why that, then? I wanted him to regret it, to repent and not do it again. But speaking of his sin to shame him TO OTHERS would NOT accomplish that end! This is where I understood love: love speaks not of sins, because to do so PERPETUATES the sin. Speaking of wrongdoing brings sin into the mind, and soils our perception of others, and feeds unholy pride. But love keeps mercifully silent, AND THE SIN DIES WITHOUT EXACERBATION. Lou was chastised enough by realizing I had heard him. For my part, I did not say "it's okay," but I also did not glare or grimace or chide or anything similarly harsh. This is important, because VICE ALWAYS BEGETS VICE. Instead, choose virtue, for God's sake. I forgave Lou without condoning or excusing the misdeed, and that effort of honest gentleness INSPIRES A VIRTUOUS RESPONSE IN HIM AS WELL. So I will not speak of it to others, as that would be cruelly reopening that wound, for no reason other than to show people the injury. And this is why love covereth sins instead, as a cloak covers the naked-- just pointing out and condemning their nudity does nothing to actually effect positive change or holy thought. Identifying sin is one thing, but treating it is another thing entirely, something that cannot exist alongside self-righteous objurgation. Contrition and amendment of heart are between that person and God, in the hidden places of their soul. It does not involve me. My job is to reflect God's love and forgiveness, and to foster an environment in which it can be readily perceived and recueved, not to actually institute that divine pardon and renewal. God alone heals. I just put the bandage on.
"How could those who had made God their portion and their joy be without Him? Or how could those who sought worldly delights find any delight in God?" (Mary to Saint Bridget)
I was pondering my eating disorder in light of this truth. My joy IS in God alone, always and unwaveringly, BUT!!! THE DEVIL IS TAKING ADVANTAGE OF THIS!!! Remember UPMC? I wrote constantly about God AND food, BECAUSE I WAS USING FOOD & MEALS AS PRAYER. And I devoted every second to God, either reading Scripture or going to religious events or talking to fellow patients about The Faith. And I STILL LIVE LIKE THIS, for God is my joy and my song forever.
THIS IS WHERE THE PARADOX COMES IN. Because this eating disorder causes me to spend WAY too much time on food: planning, buying, preparing, eating, purging. What you must realize, though, is this: first, I DO NOT ENJOY IT. Second, I'M STILL PRAYING THE ENTIRE TIME!!!
A disturbing habit: when a voice tells me, "don't do this/that or you'll regret it," I feel an immediate urge to find out WHY. This incites me to TEST it, inevitably resulting in me DOING the forbidden thing and ABSOLUTELY regretting it... but then I understand WHY. And the voices chide me, asking "why didn't you just take us at our word? Why didn't you trust that we're right?" But I kind of DO, which is WHY I test it: I have this awful fear that they're PUTTING the regret there? Regret is remorse for an action, remorse requires compunction, and compunction is a response to SIN.
The voices protest just now: "Oh, no, it's not a sin! It's just something stupid! We're warning you so you don't hurt yourself, because you don't always know better."
Maybe that's why I test it? I want to know better. I don't want to be a fool, stupid and unwise.
"But obeying chastening is how you learn wisdom. Testing it is what fools do, who have no trust in the mysterious wisdom of God, and seek all knowledge for themselves. They will not humble themselves to submit to the hidden Will of God in their lives, as they do not have faith in His overarching Goodness."
Is that what I'm doing?
"In a sense, yes. You're still trying to control the fine points of what you hear and feel, editing and altering it to better suit your purposes or preconceptions. That's a mild form of blasphemy, child."
Another note: I don't always trust what I hear. I'm afraid it's a psychotic hallucination.
"But this has been proven, child. You know the difference. You can feel it in your heart. Trust that. Trust in God."
I still fear I am being sweet-talked to by devils. "Trust my heart" NEVER ends well and ALWAYS feels sick. Jeremiah 17:9. My heart is NOT my god. In contrast, God IS my heart. THERE'S a huge proven difference that I trust!!!
Admittedly I AM struggling with the "don't eat to satisfy your palate" bit. Why would I want to eat something vile and distasteful to my body? Vegetables are very satisfying to my palate and body because God CREATED them as such. But that's not the issue. The issue is eating ONLY for taste or texture or novelty, NOT for nourishment.
But I struggle. My body hates to eat, loves to fast, BUT right now its thinking BOTH "I want more carrots, I wish I packed more carrots, I could probably eat a whole bag" AND "please, no more food, I'm so tired of eating, please just stop." Also consider that my body is MALNOURISHED!!!
Thanks be to God for reminding me of this though. I FORGOT about how sensitive my stomach is with this; I've been very careful about avoiding reaction foods for so long, that the reality of WHY I avoid them totally slipped my mind. Kind of like when I stopped eating corn and my chronic pain went away; you get so used to either the relief or the agony that you forget the existence of the alternative.
King Abgar: a pagan, but "a man of integrity;" converted to Christianity via Saint Jude= "I know my sheep and they know me"= a GENUINELY good man will ALWAYS become Christian when given the opportunity for this very reason. Someone who claims to be righteous but rejects Christ is NOT GENUINELY RIGHTEOUS, because Christ is the SOURCE of real virtue.
"Love covereth a multitude of sins" = thinking about telling grandma that Lou made a dirty joke yesterday. But why? I was genuinely looking to "get him in trouble!" But why that, then? I wanted him to regret it, to repent and not do it again. But speaking of his sin to shame him TO OTHERS would NOT accomplish that end! This is where I understood love: love speaks not of sins, because to do so PERPETUATES the sin. Speaking of wrongdoing brings sin into the mind, and soils our perception of others, and feeds unholy pride. But love keeps mercifully silent, AND THE SIN DIES WITHOUT EXACERBATION. Lou was chastised enough by realizing I had heard him. For my part, I did not say "it's okay," but I also did not glare or grimace or chide or anything similarly harsh. This is important, because VICE ALWAYS BEGETS VICE. Instead, choose virtue, for God's sake. I forgave Lou without condoning or excusing the misdeed, and that effort of honest gentleness INSPIRES A VIRTUOUS RESPONSE IN HIM AS WELL. So I will not speak of it to others, as that would be cruelly reopening that wound, for no reason other than to show people the injury. And this is why love covereth sins instead, as a cloak covers the naked-- just pointing out and condemning their nudity does nothing to actually effect positive change or holy thought. Identifying sin is one thing, but treating it is another thing entirely, something that cannot exist alongside self-righteous objurgation. Contrition and amendment of heart are between that person and God, in the hidden places of their soul. It does not involve me. My job is to reflect God's love and forgiveness, and to foster an environment in which it can be readily perceived and recueved, not to actually institute that divine pardon and renewal. God alone heals. I just put the bandage on.
"How could those who had made God their portion and their joy be without Him? Or how could those who sought worldly delights find any delight in God?" (Mary to Saint Bridget)
I was pondering my eating disorder in light of this truth. My joy IS in God alone, always and unwaveringly, BUT!!! THE DEVIL IS TAKING ADVANTAGE OF THIS!!! Remember UPMC? I wrote constantly about God AND food, BECAUSE I WAS USING FOOD & MEALS AS PRAYER. And I devoted every second to God, either reading Scripture or going to religious events or talking to fellow patients about The Faith. And I STILL LIVE LIKE THIS, for God is my joy and my song forever.
THIS IS WHERE THE PARADOX COMES IN. Because this eating disorder causes me to spend WAY too much time on food: planning, buying, preparing, eating, purging. What you must realize, though, is this: first, I DO NOT ENJOY IT. Second, I'M STILL PRAYING THE ENTIRE TIME!!!
A disturbing habit: when a voice tells me, "don't do this/that or you'll regret it," I feel an immediate urge to find out WHY. This incites me to TEST it, inevitably resulting in me DOING the forbidden thing and ABSOLUTELY regretting it... but then I understand WHY. And the voices chide me, asking "why didn't you just take us at our word? Why didn't you trust that we're right?" But I kind of DO, which is WHY I test it: I have this awful fear that they're PUTTING the regret there? Regret is remorse for an action, remorse requires compunction, and compunction is a response to SIN.
The voices protest just now: "Oh, no, it's not a sin! It's just something stupid! We're warning you so you don't hurt yourself, because you don't always know better."
Maybe that's why I test it? I want to know better. I don't want to be a fool, stupid and unwise.
"But obeying chastening is how you learn wisdom. Testing it is what fools do, who have no trust in the mysterious wisdom of God, and seek all knowledge for themselves. They will not humble themselves to submit to the hidden Will of God in their lives, as they do not have faith in His overarching Goodness."
Is that what I'm doing?
"In a sense, yes. You're still trying to control the fine points of what you hear and feel, editing and altering it to better suit your purposes or preconceptions. That's a mild form of blasphemy, child."
Another note: I don't always trust what I hear. I'm afraid it's a psychotic hallucination.
"But this has been proven, child. You know the difference. You can feel it in your heart. Trust that. Trust in God."
I still fear I am being sweet-talked to by devils. "Trust my heart" NEVER ends well and ALWAYS feels sick. Jeremiah 17:9. My heart is NOT my god. In contrast, God IS my heart. THERE'S a huge proven difference that I trust!!!
Admittedly I AM struggling with the "don't eat to satisfy your palate" bit. Why would I want to eat something vile and distasteful to my body? Vegetables are very satisfying to my palate and body because God CREATED them as such. But that's not the issue. The issue is eating ONLY for taste or texture or novelty, NOT for nourishment.
But I struggle. My body hates to eat, loves to fast, BUT right now its thinking BOTH "I want more carrots, I wish I packed more carrots, I could probably eat a whole bag" AND "please, no more food, I'm so tired of eating, please just stop." Also consider that my body is MALNOURISHED!!!
