hope today

[prismaticbleed]

God keeps giving me glimpses of what my life will be like when this eating disorder finally hits the grave for good, and those glimpses are wonderful.

Today, He gave me awful joint pain and stiffness, especially in my legs, which got me so antsy and upset that I was pushed to go run ten laps in the driveway just now. And I feel amazing. My legs have that lovely tight burn that I miss after jogging. And outside, everything is so beautiful! The cherry blossoms are out, the lilacs are starting to bud, the air is fresh and cold and clear, the sky is blue and white, the wind is blowing in feelings of childhood dreams and memories from long before any of the trauma of the past. The woods is calling, the pine trees are singing promise of winter to come again, and yet the tiny flowers are also singing the glory of spring, here and bright and new and so delicately lovely, and the heavy joy of summer-dense green hanging in the air like a bubble about to burst into iridescent sparkles. It's God's Creation and boy howdy is He EVER evident in it, when you get out there and just be in it! It's SO NICE. And I missed it terribly. Honestly THANK GOD for the fact that I live IN the woods because otherwise this stay-at-home order would be dreadful, haha. Stay-at-home, well, what if the outside IS my home, what if heaven is my home? Well then, that's why we're all effectively being pushed to live a more monastic life lately, no kidding. And I NEED to do that more, too, because I WANT to, good golly I sure do, but old addiction and abuse cycles are still hanging on by threads. God will cut 'em, though, don't worry. Keep praying, keep working, and keep up the faith! I've been reading the Bible so much more lately and oh my gosh it's like drinking water by the gallon in a dry desert. It's beautiful. I literally cannot get enough of it. I want to read more of it right now, really I do! So I've gotten into the habit of carrying a Bible with me wherever I go, keeping one in every room, etc. And of course there's always one-- or twelve, haha-- on my phone. God bless that phone, she's been such a boon to my faith. Technology can really be a blessing IF you use it for God, which is what I want to emphasize in the League, which is ALSO what I've been working on like mad lately, ANOTHER glimpse of something trauma environments almost wrecked BUT you can't stop God or His purposes, and He GAVE me those creative worlds FOR His purposes, and so yes they are STILL alive and BETTER THAN EVER. I'm doing massive cleaning and fixing to them all, deleting and revising firmly, to make everything Catholic or bust, because that's how it should be. Honestly, if it's not leading you closer to God, it's not worth your time, ever, and as a Celebi I have GOT to honor that especially, for sure!!

Anyhow. I need to eat some cucumbers now BUT that’s the other glimpse! Lately God's been giving me bitter cucumbers, which are killing my appetite, and making me actively eat less. Which is AWESOME. Not only that, but He's destroying my "taste" for other foods, too, notably peas, green beans, beans in general, etc. And RICE. Ugh. Never again, haha! My body HATES it. But yes, I've been praying for this. I WANT my appetite and taste to both be completely tamed & sedated so that I ONLY eat small amounts of what I need to keep this poor body alive for heaven's sakes quite literally. And we're getting there. Honestly, in God it's already achieved, which is obvious, but there are just obstacles in the way that WOULD be gone already if I wasn't somehow inexplicably still clinging to 'em. And that's being brutally honest. I could easily just stop eating for the day right now and be PERFECTLY happy and healthy. I really don't want to go back to that table and eat more. Hence why I'm typing. The thought of food disgusts me lately. But like I said, that's answered prayer. The BIG one is going to be when I STOP MAKING SO MUCH IN THE FIRST PLACE which will happen the instant I replace that artistic rerouting with PAINTING SHIRTS and WRITING MUSIC and TYPING and other stuff that God gave me the blessed talents to do. And I AM taking tiny but substantial steps! Gotta take BIGGER steps now! Gotta PAINT EXILE'S ROBE and no excuses, if the morning light doesn't work then paint it in the evening, we just have to keep replacing toxic habits with good works! And I promise, with Jesus's help I will.

 

There's a lot more I could say and type both, in many other ways, but I can feel my brain hitting the end of this topic so we're done for now. To shift to something else would involve HEAVY INTROSPECTION and that means shifting entirely from an outside awareness to an inner one, which I can only do if I clamp on headphones and dedicate myself to at least two solid hours sitting here, haha. Which is very much an evening task. Maybe I shall. We shall see.

 

Anyway the Divine Mercy Chaplet is on in 26 minutes and MASS is being livestreamed in that plus two hours so I've gotta go eat (ugh, I'll try) and read the Bible (YES. I'm studying John 21 and next is The Scourging, gosh my heart feels pulled to learn about that all the more deeply, SO MUCH) and I'll see you all later!! 