march 15 2015

[prismaticbleed]

 

last night (like 2am really). just writing this down because it was very funny.

freezing cold, going to bed. joked "why didn't I fall in love with a fire person too"
genesis joked about victini, back in 2010, never panned out. shrugged and said "you have no one but yourself to blame"
chaos and I wondered about xennie for a minute, with her steam
then I called javier in (fire boy) and he decided okay cool, I'm fine with this
put his arms around me from behind and GOOD LORD THAT KID IS WARM
so he slept in our room that night, laurie's totally cool with him too, which is great

the 50 lemons joke with laurie
(you can't eat 50 lemons. [why not?] you'll die. [of what?] lemon overdose. [hmm.])
decided to only eat 25. she gives me three. I'm sleepily ecstatic. "three is good"

 

 

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@ 12:40 am

 

 

Oh my lord I am so glad we made a Tumblr blog for the Leagueworlds. It is the most uplifting thing for me, it's a godsend.
I think in concept clouds, usually, or data banks. Like... I get "packets" of info. I get "vibes" more than I get solid biographies, or concrete descriptions. It makes it hard to put things into words, but I know, I know what I would write about, once I figured ot how.
For example, just now, going through that blog's tag for Oneircia. That story is old and technically "finished" but the middle ground is empty. And yet... that blog is a testament to its richness nevertheless. When I see something that resonates with it, I know. And I put it there. So then suddenly, scrolling through that personal stockpile of abstract fact, it becomes easier to write. I now have something concrete to work FROM. Does that make sense? When it's all in this head/heart alone, it's tough to externalize at times. So I look for reflections. Kind of like the Subeta avatar set we have for the System, really; drawing them outright would have been near-impossible because I can't get it to translate that directly. But that generator gave me a means to "build" from my intuitive knowledge, an image that matched well enough. Same with the Leagueworlds.
It's getting easier, the drawing, little by little. I'll never forget the one day I sat down and sketched Bromeleice for the first time since I met her, and somehow I managed to draw her face shape EXACTLY, all on my own. It felt amazing I couldn't stop smiling; I had translated her likeness directly, and I didn't "screw up," and I didn't need outside aid (however helpful it may be) for once. Same thing with Deropélé; the first time I really tried to draw him (since age 9 or so), I did so digitally, and it just... turned out perfectly. It's just a sketch but every time I look at it my heart just warms up.

I am so happy though. I can't express just how much, how relieved I am, to have rediscovered this glittering bit of joy that I built, that reflects the grandeur and magnificence of the universes we shelter inside, however slightly. It's exactly, exactly what I need right now.

Today was... tricky? Strange.
Woke up at 9 and went to church, still foggy outside which was nice but it was brutally windy and cold. We sang in the choir for the first time in weeks, as it didn't hurt to do so anymore post-surgery. Then we went home and things got problematic.
Whenever the mother and grandmother interact there seems to be an explosion. It's not nice. People yell and throw things and fight and verbally bite at each others' throats. I can't tell you exactly what happened or when, all I know is that at one point the mother ended up cornering me in the kitchen while we were trying to eat safely for once, and talked and talked and talked and talked until we were practically sobbing over the stove and wishing she would leave but she wouldn't. She followed us, she does that.
I know she just wants someone to talk to. I know she appreciates that we listen. But we're a person too, we're more than just a body to throw words at. We LIKE silence, we cannot HANDLE your constant orders and whining and obsessions, it's too much NOISE.
She keeps talking about building a winery on her mother's homestead, nevermind that she doesn't even own it. She kept bringing up boxes and boxes of movies from the cellar and wouldn't stop telling me what they were, I'm sorry but I really do not care about the hundreds of VHS tapes you refuse to throw away, please give me some peace for five minutes.
Please stop forcing your likes and wants on ME and then being offended and angry when I say I want to build my OWN future. All my life you tried to make us a carbon copy of you. And even now, when we're finally learning what it means TO be ourself, you throw this at us, this and everything else, all the shame. I don't want to talk about that right now, not again.
All she talks about is wine, and movies, and Hollywood, and romance, fucking romance, she told me the other day that she only "moved back in" (again) because her boyfriend did something to her that made her want to "hurt him really badly." Then she smiled at me, that awful sort of proud but sour smile, and said "you'll see, that's what it's like in a relationship!" And I just turned my back to her and clenched my fists in silence because NO IT'S NOT.
And God knows it took me a LONG time to fully accept that realization, thanks to your constant messages of paranoid loathing as we grew up.
She never felt like a mother. We never associated her with the word. She purposely presents herself as young and scatterbrained and hyperactive and really we feel like we have to be a parent to her, to this day, she feels like a rebellious little sister. And that's FINE, that's fine for her, if she's happy with it. Go chase your dreams for once, go buy the property and build a house, go be a movie star or a model, go BE HAPPY, for God's sake I WANT to see you happy for once in your life but you keep getting in your own way and relishing in the pity. And I refuse to feed into that mindset anymore.
Is this bad, saying this? I want to say it TO her, I want to tell her she has my support but I will not support her childish behavior. I want to help her without her using me to do all her work FOR her.
And sometimes I want her to NOT TALK ALL THE TIME, sometimes I want her to STOP TOUCHING ME, I really really want her to RESPECT ME and stop calling me a freak but refusing to acknowledge my troubles and being altogether two-faced about every interaction she has with me/us.
She's a great person at heart but really, really, she is difficult as all hell to be around, and I'm sorry.
We want to be happy too, damn it, even if our happiness doesn't match yours. Stop telling us we can't have that.
I don't want to gossip or say bad things about people but the therapist says we HAVE to let this stuff out, we have to express our needs, we have a right to feel safe, et cetera. I just can't shake the guilt, it's hard to stand up to people when you can't figure out where the line is between them and you, and their resulting rage and anger makes you second-guess everything you just said.
So I was very stressed out today. Depression and anxiety got really bad, I couldn't get any music written, I couldn't read, I was exhausted and she gave me no peace and when she finally left I was a shambles of sorts. Plus I was freezing cold to the point where it was making the body cry from the feeling of utter helplessness and tiredness but that's over now. We're sitting down and trying not to feel guilty over it, we're warm enough, tomorrow is therapy, we're listening to League music, things feel better.

On that note, I've been writing a lot of music lately, or at least trying to get back into it. I use "I" very loosely there; I have very little recollection of any composition but the music's happening. It's frustrating; digitally we only have so many sounds to work with, but we try.
I know the most progress was made on "Spaceman Dreams," Margaret's tentative theme from Halcyon Days. It's a simple but cute theme that we tried to use only synthesized sounds for, almost like a chiptune. Maggie wants to be an astronaut and I associated that sort of synth sound with space travel as a child, thanks to educational vids in the 90s that always had such sounds in the background. Her friend Cherie's theme, "Sunshine," is also cute/simple, but it's slower and feels more like waking up early in the summer with sunlight on your face. I'm trying to use more muted sounds in it, but still bright.
In any case I've been trying to work on that series more lately, as it was one of the three that got hit the hardest by the Tar-- disturbingly, and horribly, it was mainly targeting the children in the League (destroying innocence) and now that we can see that, those of us working with the League are taking extra steps to heal that.
Halcyon Days is interesting; it's one of those stories that ended up having a deeper sort of hidden lesson, and it's one of those worlds that hasn't told us the deepest parts of itself yet. The more I learn of it, the more it tugs at my/our heart, and really I cannot wait until the day it just opens into light and becomes instantly beloved, totally, the way Dream World and Parnassus and Mage Angels all did.
Mage Angels though, God knows I love those girls, damaged though they are. I have no idea how they grew so much; they started out as a "dark magical girl" idea in 8th grade and Monika was the first "negative" character I'd ever met. But now... there is this strange, powerful affection in my heart for them, for everyone in that story. I'm focusing on their music too. I'm working on what might be their "theme song" and I adore it but I'm not sure if it's theirs, you know. Some songs start out as one thing and settle in as another.
Megan's current theme is still my favorite song atm; she's a bit of a club kid so I tried to catch that feeling of energy and confidence in it. It also has a "callback" bit to a melody I'm currently thinking is Monika's motif? It would be fitting, as the two are tied in purpose, but we'll see.
Leila's theme ("Snowblind") is really cool so far, no pun intended. I'm trying to balance the "winter" sound of bells and ambience with the biting grunge edge she carries beneath all that fluff, like a rusty knife edge-- small and precise, but ragged. Like the threat of ice beneath snow.
I'm working on themes for Monika, Kaeto, and Izephel, and need to start one for Nikki. But you see what I mean. I love them, I love this, music is such a joy for me/us when it comes to the League; it's one of the few ways we can catch the "vibes" Jewel can't quite put into words.
Rosewindow is feeling like it wants to talk to me really badly, so tomorrow (or Tuesday, depending on how much therapy changes our focus) I'll see what they have to say. Anu's theme is one of the most beautiful things we've ever channeled (Mr. Sandman's theme is too!), and her lullaby keeps looping in our head. But that story never revealed its true plot to us, not yet. I think it's fixing to. That's exciting.
(And of course Parnassus is always just waiting in the wings in one way or another, thank you Genesis.)

I know last night I said I would write more about yesterday's topics but I can't get into that mindset right now. I'm too shaken up and tired; I need to heal and recuperate first before I can properly hold such light. Right now, any effort to do something "good" is being met with floating-voice jeers and hatred. Earlier when we were depressed they told us flat-out to "kill ourself" because we weren't worth being alive or something. Surprisingly the fronter at that time didn't let that lie get to them; they knew it was cruel and false and they SAID so. Even if they were still depressed they at least realized that it wasn't a damnation of their character, and they still had a right to live, just as much as everyone else, even if they were miserable at the time. They claimed their right to have happiness and to reach for it, and rejected the claim that "everyone hates you and you should die." That's brutal emotional manipulation and it is NOT TRUE. We've heard enough of that. And also, everyone doesn't hate us. We love ourself, and there are actually people outside who love us, too. So those floating voices are losing their power, which they only had through force and fear anyway.
Speaking of, the Tar hackers are almost entirely powerless now, too. That is... the gratitude is huge. But that doesn't mean we're safe yet. The Plague can still take advantage of "obligatory" and numb mindstates, using blankness. We're watching for that now, and really it's easy as cake compared to the Tar, plus all our experience helps, and our fighters like Wreckage and Sugar and Eros and Laurie and even Julie refuse to let anything past the radar. So we're doing better.
I'm just pissed because they're still targeting Genesis and I swear I will tear those hackers' teeth out with a wrench if I get my hands on them. Gen hasn't healed like I have-- or maybe that's unfair to say. I don't carry trauma, that's my job. Genesis doesn't have the bizarre luxury of being able to shatter and reset whenever the terror gets unbearable. That happened to him once, a long time ago, and everything after that is still stuck with him.
I love him, I love him, he's my best friend no matter what, and I will do anything it takes to help him with this. I will stand between him and hell itself if I have to.
Laurie's been pushing for a Xanga session lately and I agree, and the blocks that were preventing that before feel like they're gone enough. We'll set this topic then, if Genesis wants to put it in writing. Otherwise I'll just talk to him all day tomorrow, as I always do when we're on the road.
God I have so much to say about him, too. No time tonight. That's a bad habit, one learned from childhood, pushing love and joy and wonder to the last second. We're allowed to give solid time to our own heart, you know. It's not stupid, it's not selfish, it's not "childish." It's childlike, and that's a very good thing. So really dude, next time you're up this late, let poet mode happen for once. It is the exact opposite of a waste of time, and it is nothing to be ashamed of.

Someone tried to hack us tonight and we saw it was empty but it was so loud, so angry and vicious and intent to hurt, it was scary. But then we remembered that even if our numb side doesn't care how much we get hurt, there are outside consequences to our being hurt now, there are other people who care, and guess what? We don't want to let them down. We don't want to give up and give in when we need to be a pillar, a beacon, a hope-bringer, a rainbow. So we said that, and the hackers disappeared. Immediately.
It takes guts. It takes knowledge too, and that can be scary, because we're not always sure what is "us" and what is outside, what is "someone else." The confusion is more lethal than anything, I think. We'll discuss that with the therapist next. It's important.

The girl who wrote that really pained entry about 2 weeks back has been out in therapy, she's getting self-aware to a larger extent, she may stabilize into a name and/or face for sure soon. But... one thing stood out to me, last week, the therapist said something about our System's progress as a whole and that voice ended up admitting "I think I'm sabotaging everyone else's efforts" because she was afraid? I'm not sure about what, I'll have to ask her. But that was lucid. For a negative social of all people, to realize that their actions had harmful consequences for others, and to want to change that... that is new, and wonderful, and a huge light of hope.


This is still the most calming song we have ever written, thank you Glissando I assume. It is the exact sound of summer in our backyard, with sunbeams dripping heady and soft through the dark green trees, walking barefoot in the grass below and scenting flowers in the light air. Every time I hear it, it relaxes me instantly, and makes me smile. So there you go too.


I'm getting cold again and that weird lingering sadness won't go away, so I'm just going to get this body to sleep. Minty's concerned so she told us to keep Diamondheart (that white Care Bear she assigned to the Cores) around at night too, said his job is to ensure a little extra protection and peace.
Chaos is always there, always. So is Laurie. Genesis is finally sharing the bed as well, after us bugging him about that for months, if not years.
I've been feeling surprisingly close to MARKUS, of all people, lately? The Outspacers in general are getting a huge significance boost so I'm paying close attention to that when it hits. Ryman has been kind of distant, but I did get two things out of him-- one, that "Rio" is a nickname he likes more than his given name (hence no one being able to tell which was his "real name"), and two, that his distance as of late is thanks to his daemon. Apparently Ryman's fine with casual morbidity, with his dark fascinations and all, but when his own vices come creeping into his room on spider legs, that's where he draws the line. Which is odd. He's a terrifically brave kid, but he has this sort of naive edge that can keep him at a distance to the true danger of things. His vice is Sloth because his challenge is Void and he's avoiding looking at it... or his daemon. That's all I know about his situation right now.
Ironically, Markus-- the kid who is secretly terrified of his inherent shadows and has trouble sleeping over it-- has been talking to his daemon, with what I hope are helpful results, whatever that means for them. But maybe that's thanks to his old proud teenage confidence. Back then it was a brazen cool-kid vibe that blinded him to his own fears just as well as Jewel's fire did for her. Now though, it's settled into a sort of raw hope, and that's powerful. Maybe that's why I've been feeling a resonance with him recently. Hope's been working overtime.


Sleep. Sorry. We're infamously awful at concluding things... and staying on topic, arguably.

As always, genuine love to anyone/everyone reading this.