dec 26 2015

[prismaticbleed]

 

god, these are the things I need right now.


I need a way to find out when the sexual-sinner girls come out, so we can stop them.
But we ALSO need a HEAVY and UNQUESTIONABLE weapon of truth against them, one that they can't smile and blather over.
They keep claiming "we're offering (that) to God!!' but that's a LIE, because the instant they ACTUALLY start thinking about Christ, they feel really wrong and guilty. They can FEEL that what they are doing is WRONG.

Now our body is in horrible, horrible, horrible, TERRIFYING pain, and what can I do?
I want to dissociate entirely so I don't feel it.
I want to atone SO MUCH. I want to bleed a sinkful of blood.

How else are we supposed to pay the price for such a horrific, mortal sin?
How ELSE do we pay the toll for committing such a great evil, so wantonly?

And it wasn't even US. It was ONE FCKING GIRL and she should pay, SHE SHOULD PAY IN BLOOD,
but she's still living in our head, in our body,
and that sin falls on our back no matter what, because she's part of our collective psyche, no matter how twisted and wrong and awful she is.


God, we need a way to stop this, FOR GOOD.

We need a way to PROVE, SOLIDLY, that their sexual sins are WRONG AND EVIL, and that WE DO NOT WANT THEM, because they won't listen to us when we tell them those things.
They say, "no, sex is holy, and should be used for God!" but they can't do that because they KNOW it's blasphemous.
They say, "oh, you'll want this when you realize how good it is!" but no matter WHAT they do, or for how long, NO ONE WANTS IT BUT THEM.

THIS HAS BEEN PROVEN SO, SO, SO MANY TIMES

why won't they stop?

god, I don't understand. I don't understand.
That's the hard part about this. We cannot empathize with them. I can't understand their motives, I can't mimic their context to try and find a way to stop or avert things.
Literally the ONLY thing that will keep us safe is to KEEP THEM FROM COMING OUT.
…Which means, we can never, ever, EVER be alone.
No locked doors. No empty rooms.
And, God forbid, we are NEVER to be naked. We can NEVER be undressed, or immodest, or promiscuous. (That's why wearing summer clothing is so scary; it makes us into a sex object and we're paranoid all day.)
We also CANNOT EAT CHOCOLATE because, thanks to the mother blatantly sexualizing it, it's an instant trigger. So is eating carbohydrates at all. Eating in general is a sexual sin. It makes the hacker girls come out, riding on that same gluttonous evil.


…
god, what do we do.

I'm so scared and sad. I'll feel better if we atone, but I'm so tired of the pain and the blood… it's not stopping them, they don't give a shit how much we bleed…
…it's not about stopping them anymore, though. That failed and so we just desperately turned retribution into atonement, turning an attempt at punishing evildoers into an attempt to purge their sinfulness from our body. We bleed out the corruption. That's all we can do.
As cliched as it sounds, it's the ONLY actual control we have over the hacker girl's actions. Right now we don't know how to stop her, so if she commits a great evil, all we can do is show God we are willing to pay the toll to purge her sins from our body. We are willing to bleed and suffer to atone for that sin.
I just don't want to sin anymore.



…

We have a picture of "the ecstasy of saint Teresa" on our computer, because it's EXACTLY what heart connections are like, but those damned hackers keep saying "no, see, that's holy sex! I TOLD you it was holy." FCK THE HELL OFF.
DO YOU SEE ANYTHING SEXUAL GOING ON THERE????
"her face," they say, but even then they're faltering in shame, good, BE ASHAMED, you SHOULD be ashamed of your whorishness.
Her face is NOT SEXUAL and I see you hackers averting your gazes in SHAME, GOOD, BE ASHAMED.
BE ASHAMED OF YOUR SINS. BE ASHAMED.
but then they bury the shame and do it again, damn you, STOP IT,



(left unfinished)