help [helped]

[prismaticbleed]

god, I feel like sobbing.

why is my family so hateful and intolerant?
when someone has health sensitivities, their response is "awwwwh, get over it already. WE don't have problems like that!" because apparently, if they aren't experiencing something, then it doesn't exist.

I cannot tell you how afraid I am of them finding out I'm transgender.
thank god I'm ace/aro, I at least don't have to worry about hiding romantic things like so many other non-hetero kids do.
but I'm still afraid, because transitioning isn't something you can hide. I've been on hormones for a year now. I've somehow managed to ease into the lowering voice and appearing facial hair slowly enough to slip by them, but. they still suspect something and sometimes their comments feel like swords of accusatory damnation and it terrifies me.

I know how paper-thin their affections are, and it breaks my heart. I've seen it in all three of them. Do something, once, to offend them, or to oppose them, and they will instantly hate you, even if literally seconds before they said that they loved you.
As a child that scared me more than anything. "I" was never sure what I or they actually felt, I couldn't trust any of it, because for them it changed absolutely on a dime, and for me… well, they always claimed to know what I was really feeling; that I was lying about my own emotions.
I bring that up again because they still do it. They still do it.

But I'm terrified. Today, all I said was "I don't want to eat before church" and she practically declared war on me. Just yesterday she was calling me "her angel" and saying how grateful she was that I was here, but after that one sentence she starts slamming doors on me and refusing to talk to or look at me and, worst of all, using that silent treatment to do that subtle bad-touch thing that she knows I'm scared of but, since she doesn't understand it, it's not valid. Even worse, she considers it stupid and childish.
"Ohhh, grow up already," she spits, when we flinch and cry at the worst touches. Little does she know she actually is talking to a child at that moment.
Little does she know, the children that grew up, learned to hate.

…It's breaking my heart.
What do we do?


I absolutely cannot live here anymore.
After today… God help us. The sheer toxicity of this family is overwhelming.
The terrifying violence, the emotional manipulation, the constant blatant lying, the screaming and fighting and back-stabbing and spitework… God, it hurts. I CANNOT LIVE HERE ANYMORE.

But where do I go?
I have no support system. We never did. We never had any friends, for heaven's sake, we don't have anywhere to go BUT here.

(left unfinished)




(added much later)


I want to add something.

Our family members are not bad people. This author only sees the "bad sides" of them, not their good sides.

It's a flawed perspective. But seeing only the good isn't entirely accurate either, as that glosses over the real problems that still exist, hence this entry being written in the first place.

But they are not bad people. They are good people and they do love us the best they can, in the way they know how.

Still, the current home situation is highly stressful and it is damaging our mental state. I cannot say whether or not this truly merits another attempt of "moving out" but it DOES require that we find a solid, untouchable safe place, preferably external as well as internal, in order to survive the worst of the bitter harsh cruel tendencies when they do surface. We are no better when our bad sides are triggered, I must warn you. Be humble about it.

Nevertheless, this stands as-is. The concerns are valid, if one-sided.


Don't be so bloody hyperlogical. You're being just as one-sided here, bud.
Listen. Whoever wrote this was distraught. They're scared of being found out as queer or what-have-you. They're scared of the brother and his violent tendencies and threats, we all know that. They're scared of those "bad sides" even if they are only part of those people. Point is those people are showing those bad sides pretty often currently, and it's pretty freakin' hard to deal with even if they are good people when that stuff gets shoved aside. But that's the point. It's not getting pushed aside, it's staying front and center, and we can't deal with it as often as we're currently being required to. Okay? Nice people who act bitchy and violent way too often really don't count as "nice people" during those times and that's what this person is trying to say. We can't deal with that nonsense anymore, it's unhealthy and toxic for both parties and we're just trying to save ourself here. We've tried to "save" them, that's a flawed mindset just as much as the rest of them, it didn't work. Jay's been focused on a quote lately, he keeps repeating it so we drive it in... "If you study the true nature of Light you will find that it never gives a thought to the effort of convincing darkness not to be dark." That's really bloody important and it's true, if you really look at the history of us up here, the only thing that's ever worked is when we stopped trying to bury axe-blades in people's heads and instead just... shone. Became what we wanted up here. That's what's gonna work with this family, too. Heal yourself, heal the world, bit by bit of course, and it's gotta be applied on a mass scale of course... can't expect one kid with a good heart to fix everything after all, no matter how much he wishes that could work. And who knows, they say it only takes one candle to chase away shadows so hey. Every bit helps. But I'm getting off topic. What I'm trying to say is, stop thinking with your head so damn much, you can't see the whole picture that way. Use your head and use your heart, you gotta use both or it's not gonna work. All right? That goes for everyone up here. Intelligence tempered by compassion, affection tempered by wisdom, all of that. The heart and the head. That's headspace in a nutshell, ironically, perhaps, but there it is.
Anyway I'm not going to waste time blathering on about what you already know to be true, I've said enough already, any more words are just going to be superflous. I'm out.


To the kid who wrote the first half of this entry: my heart breaks for you, kid. But you've got comfort and support and love up here, okay? I know it's rough downstairs but you at least have this, and it will always be there for you. Don't listen to any tarheads who say otherwise. I'm not leaving any of you, even if I get ticked off at you. You're all good kids at heart, I know that, even if I might not see it all the time, and I'm sorry for that. I can get blinded too. But if you don't give up on me, I'll appreciate the heck out of that, okay?
Either way, come to me if you need anything, even if it's just a hug or something. I'm here for ya. We all are, everyone up in Central especially. Be careful who you listen to up here, there are some floating voices who don't have your best interests in mind, kid. Rule of thumb: don't listen to anyone who doesn't have a face. That's key.
Anyway. You've got love downstairs too, kid. Look for it, you'll find it, it's there. But look with love, okay? Your eyes determine what you see. That's important too. ...I know it hurts. I know you're seriously scared and I don't blame you. But... there's always hope. Take care of yourself, don't let anyone abuse you or push you around, don't stand for any of that abuse but for heaven's sake don't turn into an abuser either. Don't let the bitterness steal your sweetness and all that. Don't let the pain paint you black as pitch. Don't let the hurt turn you white as plague. Okay? Don't. There's more to life than that and that goes for how other people treat you too. There's more to this. Man, what am I trying to say. Don't give up, but don't give in either. Be strong, be honorable, act and speak with integrity and compassion, but don't ever use those words to justify pride or cruelty or any of that junk, because that's the most corrupt thing you can do up here. Shoot, I'm rambling.
I'm here for you. Be a good kid, I have faith in you. Don't stand for people treating you otherwise, but forgive them and also realize when they're acting out of pain, too. Forgive them but be wise around them. If they really are toxic then put some space between you and them, but don't hate them. Don't ever hate them. It won't help anyone on this earth, ever.

11:11, that's one heck of a good sign. Thanks for that, I rarely see this, but it means a lot when I'm out and I do. Thank you.

Kid, all you damaged and lost alters, you've got light in you too, you're just wandering around a really winding path right now. I've got lanterns, so give me a call if you need some extra luminance, okay? We've all got ways to help you. We'll get through this, together.


Oh, one last quote from our old blog because it's damn important and synchronicity is always relevant:

"Whenever we dismiss someone as incapable of change, we instantly suckerpunch the sovereign grace of God.
We are downsizing His sovereignty to those people and not these. Then we’re no longer talking about God. We’re just exposing our laziness.
You know what I mean. I see a person on their first lap of faith and I make assumptions; I see 0.5 percent of a person’s life and somehow predict their future; I see half a story and presume the whole story. But this is a sort of evil that holds back potential, that undermines growth, that destroys a child’s dreams. It’s an ugliness that I’ve experienced from others, who wouldn’t give me a shot, who wouldn’t see past their negative filters and accusations and condemnations, who saw me as a deadbeat nobody with no hope of a turnaround.
But occasionally, love would cut in and open a door. It grew my heart. It embraced me in.
Love sees a greatness in someone who cannot see it in themselves.
Love keeps no record of wrongs. It hopes in all things, it does not rejoice in evil. It perseveres."


There you go. Hold on to that, kids, all of you.
Have a good night, and if it doesn't feel that way so far, make it one. Even if it's just in a small way. Small things add up. You can do it, I've got faith in you.
See you around, kiddos.

-L.U.