nov 08 2015

[prismaticbleed]

Yesterday I had a 102-104 fever all day and today it's barely hitting 98.
I'm going to try to work tomorrow-- there shouldn't be anything too tough. I need money anyway, we're still saving up for Punch Brothers tickets and we have debts to pay. God I cannot wait until they are paid off but it's going to take a while, we can only save so much at a time. If we really crack down we can get them paid off in a little over two months... we'll try that.
Anyway I'm very very nauseous and cold and dizzy right now. I'm drinking a lot of dandelion-ginger tea, hoping it'll help.

Yesterday was so funky. I slept about 80% of the day and I use "I" very loosely. Apparently, when the body is sick, its ties to headspace effectively sever. We feel like we're floating. It becomes impossible for any of us to use the phrase "my body," because it no longer matches-- even just healthwise-- how we feel on the inside. It becomes, absolutely, a living-space to be taken care of. Not a person, just an oddly beloved thing in need of maintenance.

I want to play Undertale more, but for a long time now, admittedly, videogames feel like "unending walks" to me too. I've only ever completed one game in my life-- Klonoa 1-- and even that took me years. I just get exhausted, mentally.
Maybe I'm just tired. I do love this game, I want to continue, but, maybe right now I'm too burnt out.


I've realized why I get so child-crying anxious sometimes when looking at pictures of open skies (esp from planes), or big empty fields, or anything like that... it's because my immediate impression is, "you are stuck here, with no place to rest. You must keep walking, and never stop."
It's a sad sad feeling that the beauty of the place will be lost on me because I am not allowed to stop and enjoy it.
Why do we get that feeling?
Jay loves vast and solitary things, he loves the wandering... but he can always float there. He can rest, he can melt into it, he can be there, with it, as it, forever. Those of us who feel physical, with bodies that need sleep, don't. Is that the problem? Maybe our task is to realize and know that we are greater than skin, too. Why havent we on this level realized that yet?
I wonder, if we fully integrate that thought process, how much will heal for us.


I don't want to leave this another unfinished entry but I/we are too physically exhausted to write anything else right now.
I'm sick of the internet, really. There's too much obligation there. Yes I'm running several blogs for inspiration, but... there's so much work and it burns me out more than anything.
I have some stuff to queue so we'll do that Tuesday maybe and then I really should log off for good for a while.

Jewel still wants to try drawing again, develop her own style (which we can ALL feel she has the absolute capability for, she just needs time to sit and have fun with the process), and I think we really should take a few days, or longer, to just let her do that.
We still have that one art trade & commission to do, they're halfway done but it's just so draining. Art usually is, that's the sad thing. Which is why we're hoping Jewel can do better; she's not trying to be an "artist" she's just trying to have fun, like a child.

I'm so tired. We're going to go walk around the kitchen with headphones on I think, just talk and be together, get back in vibe.

Good night.