dec 6 2015

[prismaticbleed]

- maybe ALL the hackers are like julie?
the one acts JUST LIKE SHE DID originally.
headvoices are never created "evil" so to speak, just like humans.
the TAR is evil. it possesses people.
julie was created as a waste-lock for all that shit. it was never HER. she just could never exist as an individual in her own right until it was taken out of her.
maybe it's the same thing for these new hackers.

that's why laurie is super-hesitant to even hurt, let alone kill, these new hackers who are more "lost" or "damaged" than anything. yes the worst ones are still purely malicious. but most of them are just devastatingly confused or misled. and laurie remembers julie, she cares about her so much, she doesn't want to take away that chance of redemption from these people who are probably suffering just as much as her friend did in that same state.
I don't blame her. but it's heartwrenching that we're still paying in blood for their sins, whether or not they realize they're sinning or not, so to speak.



- mirrors cause instant dissociation/depersonalization and pave the way for severe hacks because, looking in one immediately puts a rift between the self and the body, viewing it as something "other," to be objectified.

- one of the worst hackers is triggered whenever we look at the body.
if she sees our hands, or legs, or stomach, or anything, her immediate thought is "mm how sexy" and she tries to rape us.
she is the MOST DANGEROUS HACKER IN THE SYSTEM because she views our body as inherently lustful and that's disgusting and terrifying.

- the WORST eating alters are AWARE of what their horrible habits do to the body BUT THEY REFUSE TO FACE THOSE CONSEQUENCES.
we literally told the one girl who binges on oats and shit that "when you eat that, the body gets horribly ill and we have to purge" to which the response was "I don't have to purge anything." no matter what her mindset was "I never get sick. I eat what I want and I enjoy it. if something happens later, that's your problem."
literally if the body starts to get sick while she's fronting she will IMMEDIATELY LEAVE and leave us to clean up her hideous mess.

- there may be two eating alters for that purpose: the one super-hyper red who is "toxically optimistic," laughing and guffawing at everything, and who also eats like a pig. however the one who says "I never have to purge" is a "who the heck cares?" sort of scraped-out alter, but in a proud way, not an empty way. I don't know what their relation is. they feel like two halves of one alter.


- now that we've discovered the "watcher" problem, that's why the worst hackers think they are the cores. if we're talking upstairs, or typing like we are now, and one of them starts watching, their mindset is "look at this fake shit. it's not real because I'M the watcher. I'M the only real one. I am GOD." which is horrifying but it's exactly what those girls think. (and yes they are ALWAYS ONLY GIRLS)
but when we catch them now we can step in instead, actually consciously acting instead of just 'watching.'
we may be able to use this to our advantage in therapy now. if these girls ARE "corrupted gatekeepers" simply because of their god-complex, then if we override that through awareness of what they're doing, we can talk past their numbing-block.
for example. yesterday's sudden xanga, the angry alter started swearing at the worst watcher-hacker because she kept saying we were fake BUT also clarified that "you can't move the body, can you??"
that is EXACTLY WHAT JULIE USED TO DO TO US. that is why we always thought we were possessed, because she would force us into a "watcher" role and take over the body. it's literally abusive co-fronting.
the current hackers don't do this solely because they won't want anyone knowing what they do, so they kick everyone else out and use their "watcher authority" to block all awareness out so they can screw around with the body or other people or anything.
but we're learning. we're able to break through and watch them now at least. although that is terrifying and we do NOT want to do it, it's at least a step towards stopping them. if we can get into the skull, then maybe we can interrupt them mentally, maybe we can get enough people in there to smother the hacker influence and force awareness upstairs, therefore stopping the hacker (we hope)… but the point is, the skull is one step away from the body. we can spontaneously get into the body during a hack and stop everything but it's a very clumsy state and we can easily get shoved out again, because the body is dizzy and sick and discombobulated, like trying to walk under anesthesia.
that's the hardest thing to get through because you can't anchor into something that miasmatic, let alone something that swamped with evil intentions and fogbank apathy.
but we're trying. god knows we're still doing our best, we'll never give up.



- about the body sexualization: it's very hard for anyone to front in it because the mindset switch is instant and massive.
this is why we still carry cannon's torch in wanting nullification surgery ASAP.

we read something once, that terrified us. it was some sort of book saying breastfeeding was apparently "m*king l*ve to the infant." as in, yes breasts ARE sexual organs, that’s their purpose. they said this is why women should not breastfeed in public, because it was effectively exhibitionism and it would "emotionally wound" the child because the mother wasn't making it a private affair or some shit. it was disgusting. this same book talked about cultures were people would apparently fondle infants to "make them happy." and they praised this, saying our western culture was silly for condemning it, because "it makes the baby happy so it can't be wrong" and BULL F*CKING SHIT.
YOU DON'T EXPOSE INFANTS TO ADULT BIOLOGY FUNCTIONS YOU LITERAL DEMONS
YOU'RE DISGUSTING
but that's the fear. that's the horrible fear. that we were born with these things and as long as we have them, we're "obligated to be that sort of being."
that's the religious upbringing again, but twisted by social messages. I'm not exactly sure what it's being motivated by now, but the thought process is:
"you have female sex organs. you are, biologically, an adult female. adult females are supposed to be sultry and sexy and mating with adult men. you need to have children and be sexually available for both them (through the breasts) and your husband (through the other things). this is your ROLE as a woman. this is what ALL woman are born to be."

WHAT THE HELL IS THAT GARBAGE.
where did this come from, the gender binary? family messages? the church? everything out there?

The worst part is that this mindset has no room for non-cishet people.
This mindset tells us, flat-out and with total righteous conviction, "you can't be trans. Your soul is female. Your INHERENT BEING is female. You must be a receptive soft sexual woman. THIS IS YOUR GOD-GIVEN PURPOSE."
"non-binary doesn't exist, there are two sexes decreed by God and if you deny that you are a blasphemer and a devil,""asexuality is a corruption of God's plan, he created man and woman to be sexual procreative sensual beings; if you do not participate in that you are literally rejecting god's plan for you, and sinning."

what the hell is this
what the hell is this

I want to cry. I am so terrified that they might be right.
but.
but.
here's the thing.

judge not by hollow words but by their consequences.

every single instance of sexuality that we have EVER endured has done nothing but hurt us agonizingly. it makes us a terrible person.

it has never ever ever made us feel close to god, or like we were doing the "right thing." quite the opposite actually, and overwhelmingly so.

"well that's because you're doing it wrong"
you've been telling me that all my life. what the hell do you consider "doing it right," then??
I've TRIED to be straight. I've TRIED to be cisgender. I've TRIED to be flirty and sensual and all the "womanly" shit you demand I be.
IT DOESN'T EVER WORK.

"well then you're too corrupted for it to work"

SCREW YOU.

LEAVE ME THE HELL ALONE.

and they're smiling. "see, you speaking to us like this, proves your sinfulness. a true Christlike person would never speak in such a way."

and then the guilt and shame crush our backbones and we crumple into fear, small childlike whimpering fear, "is that true? are they right? are they really that good? am I really that bad?"

and that is what makes us hesitate to fight off hacks.


I'm going to print this out and give it to the therapist. Again.
I can never remember if we've spoken about this stuff, which isn't surprising, as it's awfully painful to even type, and speaking it aloud is practically incomprehensible. we can't bear to make the body speak these words, it would feel like poison in our mouth.