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[prismaticbleed]

 

Mass with mom!
We RAN son

Socially exhausted by 9am and we STILL are waiting for the repairmen. Anxiety so bad we couldn't focus to even get undressed, let alone start prayers.
Threw in laundry load of UPMC pajamas as a first action step. If they still fit we can wear them as it gets colder.

Tormented by lack of clear discernment as to "whether or not GOD wants us to call the repairmen". It would be both rude & a timely reminder. It would be both impatient and prudent for our nerves. Is the better option this waiting in nervous stress and refusing to even cook until 1pm? Is it wrong to want to know a decent schedule to expect? What if they forgot? What if they AREN’T coming today? Is it wrong to want an answer so I know what my own daily responsibilities are?
...
I realize that's why I feel like I can't be patient about this. It's like patiently waiting for someone to slug you in the face. You can't exactly do that; you have to be bracing for impact or your jaw is gonna get broken.  That's exactly how I feel about this waiting for the unexpected arrival--  I have to constantly be bracing for impact or the event itself, arriving without warning, is going to deal psychological damage. BUT WHY. Is it really just the OCD & CPTSD tagteam from hell?
...
God i want to just surrender but I am so so frustrated anxious nervous scared HELPLESS, and I am currently CONVINCED that You DON'T want then to EVER show up, so I'm perpetually in nervous wreck mode. You want me to suffer. I know this. Just... please, I can't turn off this preemptive flinching. What do I do? How do I go about my day when I CAN'T stop waiting for the promised yet delayed interruption??
It's all really just because they have to work in the kitchen, so I can't go in there and start my day as a result-- and, most importantly, I cannot eat if I know someone is going to interrupt me, or worse, actually be in my apartment. The trauma response is unbearable. I have to be completely securely alone or it is not safe to eat whatsoever.
So there you go Jesus; that's where I am at.  But I'm sure you know that already. Just please I don't know what you're doing; all I know is that You want me to suffer. Please help me to do that, If it's really my only option here. Somehow use this for my good and for Your glory because I can't do it myself. Don't let me waste this cross. I unite it to Yours and offer it up.
...I hope that counts. If I honestly cannot turn off this choking anxiety I hope that counts. There's literally nothing else I can do but offer it up.

Mom called the INSTANT we finally sat down to eat AT 2PM. At first it was very hard to be patient with the 15m "interruption" but we recognized it was exhausted helpless frustrated nerves again. Yeah we were hungry but the food was ready and could easily wait a little longer, as a sacrifice of love for our mom, who could not and should never have to wait on us.
She was giving us such good news updates on her sales & home repairs, PLUS a legit hope that her mammogram is just a calcium deposit??? Oh God please we hope so. We'll continue to pray for her health.
We also noticed, notably so, how much kinder mom is with us on the phone. It stunned us. But Lord knows we have worked hard for this too. We used to be a bitch. But we want a good relationship with her so badly. Today, in this little phone call, we heard a true proof of that dream coming true. Thank You God.


Evening =
I'm so cold I gave up and unpacked our winter clothes, haha. We have too many: now that we're not destroying our laundry with bulimic consequence, we can donate at least half of this stuff. We only have half of the storage suitcase worth of summer clothes now, if that, and we'll donate more next year for sure. It's nice to have less.