tbhu worksheets = self-sabotage

[prismaticbleed]

SELF-SABOTAGING CYCLE=

1) PERFECTIONIST DEMANDS (NO MISTAKES/ ERRORS/ SINS, EVER)
2) FEAR OF FAILURE (EITHER "good or bad" = failure is DAMNING)
3) SELF-CRITICISM (brutal cursing, swearing, self-abuse)
4) LOSS OF CONFIDENCE (feel unable to do/ be good; worthless)
5) ANXIETY & DEPRESSION (moral panic & despair)
6) PROCRASTINATION (fear of joy; it "feeds the monster")
7) PASSIVE AGGRESSION ("boiling over" only outlet for inner torment)

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How would you define self-sabotaging?
✳ Considering myself "unworthy/ undeserving" of mercy/ reward/ help/ health/ rest/ joy/ etc. because of something stupid/ foolish/ unwise/ careless/ ignorant/ selfish/ idiotic/ etc. that I did, and as a result, actively undermining/ preventing/ sabotaging/ eliminating/ rejecting/ crushing/ etc. ALL possible positive outcomes or situations out of punishment/ payback/ penance/ self-hatred/ etc.
✳ This mindset HAS NO CAPACITY FOR COMPASSION OR CHARITY, and therefore INVALIDATES its own (devilish) opinions. IT ISN'T TRUTH!!

What are some of your self-sabotaging behaviors?
✳ Not letting myself do/ choose/ have things that I enjoy/ that give me peace
✳ Verbally insulting & cursing myself whenever I do something stupid/ foolish
✳ Physically abusing myself (eating disorder) to "incapacitate" myself & cause lasting pain/ permanent damage
✳ Destroying records of past accomplishments/ growth/ healing/ progress
✳ Destroying personal items that were cherished/ valued, out of shame/ hatred
✳ Dwelling on personal faults/ vices/ failures/ unsolved problems, causing despair
✳ Refusing to care for my body, mind, heart, & soul, "pushing it to harmful limits" (denying such limits exist)

How do your self-sabotaging behaviors impact your well-being and life?
✳ Poor personal hygiene, no sleep, malnutrition, wasting, chronic pain
✳ Always wanting to either weep forever OR scream & destroy everything
✳ No self-esteem, abandon all ambition, feel worthless/ useless, despondent
✳ Loss of sense of self/ history/ values/ preferences/ etc. due to destruction
✳ Inability to relate to/ interact with others without "infecting" them too
✳ No hope/ vision of future, distract from the present, deny/ suppress the past

Why do you think you self-sabotage?
Deep down I think it's because I see my "moral status" as EITHER "ALL good" OR "ALL evil". When I make a stupid decision or fail to choose the edifying option or otherwise act in a way contrary to virtue, ESPECIALLY LOVE & WISDOM, I immediately label myself as "FALLEN FROM GRACE," and my awful instinct is to PUNISH/ CRUSH/ DESTROY/ DO VIOLENCE TO THE EVIL TO "PURGE IT FROM OUR MIDST." I believe on some level that "ONLY VIOLENCE CAN RESTORE ME TO GRACE/ FORGIVENESS" = RESTITUTION MUST BE PAID IN BLOOD. I see this even as an ACT OF LOVE, NOT "SABOTAGE," because "I AM EVIL" and the ONLY thing being "sabotaged" IS THE EVIL WITHIN ME, by FORCE.

Are there any particular self-sabotaging patterns that you can recognize?
✳ PERFECTIONISM, as explained above. I struggle to accept "mistakes/ missteps" because I DON'T SEE THEM AS "INNOCENT/ ACCIDENTAL", but as MORTAL SINS??? For some reason I'm EITHER a "moral absolute perfectionist," OR DESPAIR over that crushes me to MORAL NUMBNESS?? "IF EVERYTHING I DO is a SIN, why even TRY to do otherwise?" And THAT is SERIOUS SABOTAGE, because it STOPS JOY at the ROOT!
✳ PROCRASTINATION, because EVEN THOUGH I WANT to do these good/ helpful/ creative things, I FEAR "DOING IT WRONG" = SINFULLY?? Do I fear CORRUPTING that good that way? Like, if I try and "fail," will it NEVER BE "GOOD" AGAIN? Is procrastination "PROTECTING" those "pure" ideals/ hopes from "ME"??

What can you do differently?
✳ GIVE MYSELF GRACE. GOD DOES. ACCEPT IT. (YOUR NATURE ISN'T EVIL!!!)
✳ SCRIPTURE DISPROVES YOUR ABSOLUTISM. NO ONE IN THE BIBLE, OR HUMAN HISTORY-- besides Jesus & Mary, the NEW Adam & Eve, FOR YOUR SAKE-- WERE SINLESS. EVERY HUMAN BEING HAS SINNED & MADE MISTAKES & DONE STUPID THINGS. GOD STILL GETS THOSE PEOPLE TO HEAVEN. YOU ARE NOT "DAMNED" JUST BECAUSE YOU STUMBLED IN WEAKNESS. VIOLENCE CANNOT HEAL YOU. THE CROSS CAN, BECAUSE IT ABSORBS AND TRANSMUTES IT. But the CROSS is LOVE & MERCY & FORGIVENESS. Carry THAT!!!

How can you reward yourself?
✳"For WHAT?" For NOT sabotaging? For ACTUALLY & FINALLY choosing to show MERCY & FORGIVENESS & COMPASSION & TENDERNESS & PATIENCE & GENTLENESS to myself? In a very real way, that virtuous response IS "reward" enough. BUT, if we want to extend the definition to a "REINFORCEMENT OF THE VIRTUE" in the FORM of a "GIFT," that would simply be ALLOWING AND ENABLING ourself TO do the things that give us REAL JOY, AND CONTRIBUTE TO/ ARE IN CONGRUENCE WITH our VALUES & THE GOOD THINGS OTHERS SAY ABOUT US. Fight hate with LOVE & dark with LIGHT. Seriously just JUMP HEADFIRST into BEAUTY & WONDER & GOODNESS whenever sabotaging temptations appear. GOD ALWAYS WINS.

What coping skills can you put in place so that you have a backup plan when things get tough?
✳ READ SCRIPTURE. Make a LIST of the ACTUAL VERSES (not numbers) to READ & so REALIZE THE TRUTH when the lies of sabotage try to drag you down to hell.
✳ TALK TO THE SYSTEM/ READ THE ARCHIVES. There is PROFOUND LOVE & HONEST TRUTH in BOTH, & GOD USES US AS CHANNELS OF HIS GRACE TO OURSELVES. Trust me, the System will ALWAYS stop self-sabotage because WE LOVE EACH OTHER.
✳ "DISTRACT" & "REDIRECT." STOP the cycle with IMMEDIATE exposure to a System/ League song/ image/ writing that COMMUNICATES TRUTH/ BEAUTY/ GOODNESS. Remember that GOD BROUGHT THAT INTO EXISTENCE THROUGH YOU. DON'T SABOTAGE HIS PURPOSES!!!

Reflection:
To "sabotage yourself," you MUST be, on some level, DISSOCIATED from yourself. You ARE a CREATION of God, MADE GOOD, and that may be "broken" but it's NOT LOST OR RUINED. That's why God ALSO made you His CHILD, pouring HIS GRACE BACK INTO YOUR HEART to be YOURS FOREVER. Just DON'T REJECT IT!!! SABOTAGE TRIES TO, because it SHUTS OUT LOVE. As long as you RESIST the hate, THERE'S HOPE. PRAY FOR GOD'S HELP & HE WILL HELP YOU!! He LOVES YOU!! And when you FULLY REALIZE & ACCEPT that FACT (as much as mortals can), you will NEVER be fooled by self-sabotage again, because LOVE CHANGES YOU FOR THE BETTER, FOREVER!! ♥ (TRUTH = LOVE)

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SELF-SABOTAGE QUIZ

NEGATIVE RESPONSES:
Your feelings about yourself are dependent on situational factors.
"SOCIAL MODE"; MORAL PANIC; "my life is WORTHLESS unless OTHERS approve/ want me"

You measure your self-worth by your accomplishments.
"APPEASEMENT"/ "SLAVE"; "uselessness" = "don't deserve to exist"

You have always been told that risk-taking is dangerous & the world is a scary place.
Mom & grandma DRILLED this into our childbrain to disturbing extents = TAUGHT to "expect the worst outcome" in every situation (catastrophe seen as inevitable)

You have grown up around an anxious person who always seemed nervous & worried about things.
Grandma's OCD "doom predictions," Mom's panic over "loss of control"

When you were young, an important adult in your life could never accomplish their goals and that used to discourage their future efforts.
MOM'S "ABANDONED DREAMS" & EMPTY "PROMISES" ABOUT THEM; also extended to her empty "promises" to US?? (e.g. "forgotten" presents & events, the endless list of "one day" and "when this happens" etc. that NEVER panned out; we learned very fast to not want things OR to expect desired good things TO happen at ALL)

You like to correct other when they make a mistake or when they are wrong, no matter how small it might be.
Intolerant of slip-ups with self, EXTERNALIZED; "rigid rules" = ORDER/ SENSE (CONTROLLED; "PROPER") (this is MORAL PRIDE!!)


POSITIVE RESPONSES:
You can list 5 things you like about yourself.
Hopeful, determined to do better, sense of wonder, genuine want/ ability to love, creative vision & talents

You know who you are and understand your morals/ values/ beliefs (identity).
The Archives are actually a BEAUTIFUL TESTAMENT to this, as ironic as it may seem. WE know who WE are. 

When you compare yourself to others, you believe you have the capacity to achieve similar things.
I believe that if I truly want it (what they have/ have done), then it's worth giving it a shot! The rest is in GOD'S Hands, not mine!

You admit your faults and can easily admit when you are wrong.
This is a weird one. I CAN and DO point out where I screw up, even to others. IRONICALLY I'm terrified that it's ABSOLUTE; "damning myself" to NEVER be "right". So this is 50/50. It's one of my biggest struggles.