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[prismaticbleed]

 
HAPPY FIRST DAY OF AUTUMN!!!! 🧡🍁🍂🎃

Unbelievable panic all morning.
Completionist prayer triggered
Started saying Seven Swords Chaplet but interrupted by mom phone, then had to do morning responsibilities and make breakfast. Prayer looming over head like a thunderstorm
This is not real prayer. I shouldn't be so afraid that I'm literally shaking. I'm afraid that if I don't say them at the right time, or in the right order, or in the right way, I WILL DIE. GOD WILL KILL ME. It's not just fear of punitive consequences, it's the conviction that the consequences are LITERALLY DEATH.
...

Daily devotionals both reassuring & convicting.
ttywpf= "Do you recognize the authentic voice of Jesus? Or are you distracted and deceived by other voices in the world?" Emphasizing that recognition comes THROUGH PRAYER. Shook me to the bone. What am I doing wrong?
odb= The sower parable & the sower's LAVISH scattering of love & grace: NO JUDGING if the soil is "worthy," or "most likely to grow," or "will the seed be wasted," or "scrutinizing the soil." He "Gives without counting the cost, Makes his offering without worrying about what will happen to his gift once given." He loves "Freely lavishly generously" and calls US to GIVE LOVE the same way, ALSO "not clinging to the hope of results, But trusting in God to bring good fruit where He will." VERY IMPORTANT.
obob= weeding the heart harden of briars & thorns. WE HAD A FONI BY THAT NAME IN CNC????????
Weed out CARES, RICHES, & PLEASURES. 
Notable distinction on the last:  "The Lord wants us to enjoy ourselves sometimes. Yet we must not live for pleasures but for Him, Even if this means we will suffer greatly." "If you do not weed your Briar patch you will never never bear good fruit and never have a harvest."
THE THORNS PREVENT THE SEED FROM MATURING. But the seed IS THERE!!!

VOTD about mercy. Hurts our heart so much.
We... don't understand mercy yet. No enough. Not deeply enough. The examples they listed are a punch to the gut.
"Maybe you owed someone money, but they decided to cancel your debt. Maybe you hurt someone you love, but they gave you another chance. Maybe you made a huge mistake, but you received forgiveness instead of punishment."
NOPE, NOPE, AND NOPE.
We've never known that. We're used to grudges & payback & "you'll get what you deserve!" from others.
We treat ourself the same way.
Which is ironic, because THE SYSTEM ISN'T LIKE THAT!!!!!!
...
...We will never be treated with mercy outside, unless we SHOW mercy outside. 

Especially with prayer, we are fatally UNMERCIFUL. Which is dreadfully ironic.
Our childhood was like this, though. It has very old, very powerful, very knotted roots.
....

Oh man but this is EVERY SINGLE FEAR THAT'S BEEN SUFFOCATING US THIS MORNING =
"Because we are imperfect sinners who have all fallen short of God's glorious standards, we all deserve death. We all deserve punishment. We all deserve to be eternally separated from God."
"To be clear, grace and mercy, while similar, aren't the same. Grace is getting what you don't deserve (an unwarranted gift) while mercy is not getting what you do deserve (judgment and wrath)."

BUT WE KEEP FORGETTING THIS =

“BUT God is so rich in mercy, and he loved us so much, that even though we were dead because of our sins, he gave us life when he raised Christ from the dead. It is only by God’s grace that you have been saved!” (Ephesians 2:4-5 NLT)
Jesus is passionate about justice and righteousness while simultaneously fervent about grace and mercy.
That's why He paid the ultimate price for us—so that we could truly live. That's why He conquered the grave—to mercifully save our souls. That's why He sent His Spirit—so that we could also show mercy.
Jesus HAS shown us mercy! And now we can offer it to others."

...

Kids devotional =
"You ARE a leader, and what you do and say matters for so many people... Who could you protect, help, care for, or encourage this week?  The more you do that, the more you'll be living like the greatest Shepherd of all."

While praying, we've sadly noticed that we STILL get "misogynistic angerfear" at certain portrayals of MARY?????? Which is SO SAD and also SINFUL, so DO NOT ENTERTAIN IT. You know it's a devilish lie so SHUT IT DOWN.
Actually, no. Human anger does not serve the purposes of God. When a nousfoni starts feeling that angerfear, FIND THEM and send them to the Cross to ADMIT IT. You'd be surprised how quickly they start EXPRESSING THEIR FEELINGS; they know they can TRUST CHRIST.
It's very sad & deeply upsetting that we still struggle with this. But thank God anyway for His grace in our continued healing-- remember how only a few years ago we were TERRIFIED OF MARY and wouldn't even say the Rosary! And yes, there's still knee-jerk stubborn resistance to that too, but it's from childhood punishment. It doesn't stop us now. We have too much BEAUTIFUL TRUTH in experience now to OVERRIDE IT.
And THAT is whats helping us heal our "female fear" OF Mary, too-- because there are SOME portrayals of her that, just as instinctively, RECOGNIZE AS "MOTHER." And that is HUGE. It shows that we CAN & DO grasp & perceive the concept, despite our mangled experience. There is an innate "knowing" and it is REALIZED IN MARY and we CAN DO SO. Do not downplay the significance of that.
As for which portrayals "register" for us? BACE, La Salette, Perpetual Help, ALL Orthodox images of her, Our Lady of Sorrows, our prayer card of Pontmain, and sometimes actually Guadalupe?  I'm sure there are more if we will look.
POST EXAMPLES.
We really struggle with "round soft white adult woman" portrayals of her, probably due to abuse.
And yet... what a perfectly divine doorway to learn how TO love such women.
Mary chooses to look like them, too. She loves them just as much as she loves me. And yes, she DOES love me.
Gosh there are LAYERS to this problem, I'm seeing. Thank You God for showing me this. (I swear it's the Seven Swords Chaplet graces kicking in already)
...

Church
GORGEOUS PSALM. Recorded it
Face hymn too-- In Christ Alone. Such beautiful low notes to sing. I realize we "push" the lower hums into our nose?? They resonate better. Singing low takes "our whole self"; we feel absorbed in it, just like playing cello. Thank You God for this blessing.
Shockingly SWEET Eucharist, right after the Saint Ambrose prayer with those same words

Walmart carrot stop
Brief sidewalk stranded moment. Notably our heart DEFAULTED to TRUST IN GOD & PRAYER, not panic, although we WERE scared; the faith did not kill the honest emotion, whereas social mode would have, & panic would have made it lethal through cancerous overgrowth.

Carrot peeling & Saint Bridget
Bishop Barron ABSOLUTELY SPECTACULAR SERMON. All about TRUE MERCY, UNDESERVED GRACE, GOD'S PURE JUSTICE, UNCONDITIONAL LOVE, and THE TRUTH OF HEAVEN-- "the way IS the destination"!
Spotlight on SAINT DISMAS!
Honestly it all meant SO MUCH TO US. We've been deeply upset by the "I busted my ass all my life to be good, I deserve my reward" and "its not fair to absolve THAT guy, let him rot in hell where he belongs" ugly mindsets we've heard thrown around by fellow Christians.
...We do have love, we must admit, by grace. But not enough.
We still are "working for a reward" with all this praying panic. We're not seeing it as a privilege or a joy just yet-- at least, not all the time. With the altar prayers & cards we often would. But with the "daily grind" we're doing with all the Chaplets... why is that more exhausting? Hm. Reflect on this.
In any case WHAT A HOMILY. League relevance too!!
Listen to it again soon. Type about it more.


There is a small child singing the alphabet song right below our window. It's adorable.

The air smells like heaven. Autumn always does. There was evrn some fog yesterday morning too, on the rooftops, as we ran to Mass.
The leaves are starting to turn. I can feel our heart turning ruby-gold with jubilant wonder along with them.

...Xenophon is letting herself grow older.
When she was still hoping her dad was the Core, she stayed young, like she was when he in turn stayed out front. But... that was over 5 years ago, man.
Now, she's staying upstairs more, considering what growing up means for her, even quietly considering a League move what with her Moralimon genetic resonance... it's such a big change, starting slowly for sure, but evidently the first glimpses of something lifealteringly massive.
We all need to grow up, really.
...our fear of maturity is fused with the trauma, though. So it's inevitable that we face it at last, especially as we mature spiritually. Dont be afraid though. God will help us. We never were open to that before, let alone able to receive it... but we still have a long way to go. Even so, He holds our hand and leads us. "And I am certain that God, Who began the good work within you, will continue His work until it is finally finished on the day when Christ Jesus returns." Philippians 1:6. Remember that verse. He won't stop mid-job. In His faithfulness, you have solid hope for finally healing this-- you can even bank on it. He can do what you cannot, and if you let Him, He WILL. Thank God for this new and humbling grace to grow into.