100423

[prismaticbleed]

 

Church
Paul talk
Got overwhelmed, miserable. Socializing messes me up

Unbearably nervous over unscheduled repairmen visit. No idea when they'll show up. Can't even think straight from anxiety. Literally CRYING & SHAKING from the unpredictability.
BEGGING Jesus & Mary to have mercy on me & send them up soon. Terrified that they won't, because they want me to suffer more. Still... remember that even if they DO, it's for your highest good. It's NOT out of spite or sadism. If you must carry this cross even longer, it will benefit your soul that much more.
Still... I'm so hungry and scared. I'm weak and dizzy. I feel so helpless & vulnerable it's terrible. God please have mercy on me, give me strength to bear this, PLEASE send them up soon it's been FOUR HOURS.

...FIVE HOURS and I give up.

I'm thinking of Lazarus in the tomb. I have to. It's the only way to properly understand this. "Jesus loved them, THEREFORE He waited."

...oh my gosh. I just clicked the kid's devotional and it's Joshua 1:9.
https://www.bible.com/en/videos/36709?orientation=portrait&utm_content=STORY_CLIP&utm_medium=SHARE&utm_source=YVAPP
That is... that is exactly my day today. That is amazing.
I'm overwhelmed, scared, confused, frustrated, miserable... I'm powerless and weak and foolish.
But... God has COMMANDED me to be STRONG AND BRAVE,  THROUGH HIS SPIRIT Who LIVES IN ME.
...I can do that, with His help. I can pick my head up, and smile even, with His grace.

Lord, I offer all of this up to You. Please, transmute it into something that will honor You. I can't do anything good with it; take it all, please. I give it to you as my "gift," the only thing I CAN give in my wretchedness. I give You all my anxiety, fear, hunger, fatigue, dizziness, anger, confusion, exasperation, frustration, annoyance, panic, worry, distress, despair, resignation, weakness, stupidity, entitlement, and doubt. All of my sufferings today are in Your Hands, to use as You will, for I KNOW You CAN bring Good out of even this evil for Your Own sake. I beg You to do so, so that I do not sin by neglecting or ignoring You. I am ashamed and contrite for my untrusting behavior, which I know offends Your Father's Heart. Increase my faith, Lord. Forgive my foolishness.
...I just realized, my morning offering prayer asks for just this. "I offer You today ALL my prayers, works, joys, sorrows, and sufferings, for the praise of Your Holy Name and all the desires of Your Sacred Heart"... man I had no idea what offering I'd be called to give, haha. But I was willing to give it. And here we are.
It's profoundly reassuring, to realize that yes, God DOES accept our offerings even of struggle & weakness, when we unite them to HIS Offering of HIS human weakness ON HIS CROSS.

...and the daily prayer just gave me 1 Peter 5:6-7. Lord, thank You. You really are speaking to me. Forgive me for being so afraid of Your silence earlier. Maybe I was listening for the wrong thing. Maybe my ears were shut to all but what I expected or wanted to hear.

He's stripping me of all nonessentials. He's teaching me to suffer better, to be happy with little, and patient in tribulations.

What God taught me through today's cross:
• I CAN fast, if He wants me to fast.
• I CAN fit in all my set prayers before breakfast.
• I am not entitled to get what I want, even when I think it's best.
• I need to adapt to OTHER people's schedules.
• I must learn to accept the unexpected.
• I must let go of my obsession with controlling my own schedule.
• I must learn to accept disappointments gracefully.
• I am very weak spiritually when I am hungry & anxious.
• I must learn to accept interruptions.

I know God has a reason. I know He is Good. I know He cares about me, and is watching over me, and He HEARS my prayers and He answers them according to His Loving Wisdom, even if that answer is a "no" or "not in the way you think."
I trust Him. I trust Him despite all my fears and doubts. I KNOW He is Good and is DOING Good even in this. Nothing can shake that. If nothing else, I can rest in that knowledge, deep down in my heart, even if the storms of emotion keep raging.

• Today, Christ let me share in His Passion.
If that was the only reason for this mental & physical trial, then it is sublimely enough.
Thank You, Lord. Please help me to suffer better.

Jesus, I want to be more like You... I want You to live in me more. I don't understand it yet, but I want it. I must decrease for You to increase. But... I keep twisting that into self-annihilation, leaving You with no one to love. That isn't right.
...

A quick psychological thought= this "waiting five hours for repairmen to show up at a random unannounced time" is actually a TRAUMA ECHO. It was the same sort of "waiting for the bomb to drop" terror with volatile parents? I can FEEL the fear in childhood memory; was that it, the constant unspoken threat of punishment for an unspecified crime?
Possibly relatedly, interruptions like text-message sounds feel like SHOVES, the kind bullies do-- both hands, forceful, angry. But the shove comes with a shout: "LOOK AT ME!! TALK TO ME!! PAY ATTENTION TO ME!!" It's VIOLENT and mean and I don't know WHY the interruptor even WANTS me to focus on them? Why me? Why is that so important?
...


"Help me draw nearer to You" prayer EXACTLY WHAT I NEEDED.

Remember earlier:
WEEPING over Jesus picture, begging for mercy
Arms out CROSS prayer for Saint Bridget, entering into Passion


Passion devotional= Peter disowned Jesus, but Jesus did not disown him. He instead offered that powerful look of convicting mercy & love, to break his heart and bring him back to life.
So too with us. No matter how we stumble, Jesus does not disown us. He wants us back. He will never give up on us. He will always call us back to Himself.