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prismaticbleed Yom Kippur.
Woke up so weak, tired, kinda sick. Headache.
Still put our boots on & ran to Mass!
...
System too quiet. This happens when we're sick & out of it; there's a loss of selfhood?? We get consciousness overwhelmed by the symptoms.
UNEXPECTED SHOPPING TRIP WITH MOM?????
Took TWO HOURS DUDE
biggest shame: religion talk. She pushing reincarnation, female leaders in church, gender deconstruction? Magdalene conspiracy, "we are all on a special mission of enlightenment," etc. I responded too brusquely; I took offense at the newagey thoughts & "corrected" them too quickly and without dialogue. BUT!!! I noticed this AS it was happening, and tried hard to build a bridge on the spot-- explaining gender "role fluidity" IN Scripture, Mary’s key role as leading the women disciples, etc. Mom's demeanor notably lifted to enthusiasm. She began talking about ideal "women's groups" in church, less business-meeting and more "friends of Mary"-- the HISTORICAL MARY: a young Jewish refugee, possibly of color, living in poverty-- NOT a fair-haired white European woman. Etc.
I remember talking about how the LGBTQ movement & community is TOXIC and the Church NEEDS to step up to not only welcome but SAVE these kids from it. Mentioned "Jesus Movement" movie on that topic. Also mom talking about vans & 60s fashion, "we're on the verge of another revolution"= need to focus on caring for planet & people as ONE FAMILY & HOME.
In all topics, we noticed our distressing & disgusting habit of being JUDGMENTAL & OBTRUSIVE. It's like playing social chess; it feels like we're desperate to "win" some game of strategy with high stakes??? It's mostly automated and we HATE IT. At least we're more conscious of it. It just brings such sin & shame; it breeds ugly pride. Our mom deserves better too. We're such a poor listener like that. We WANT TO BE MEEK & HUMBLE & PATIENT & KIND. We're so tired of being bossy, clever, loud, and rushed. It's spiritually exhausting.
The ending of Psalm 19 is really how i feel right now.
"Nobody realizes every time they do something wrong. Please forgive me for the sins that I do not know about. Lord, stop me doing things that I know are wrong. Do not let those sins rule my life. Then I will not be guilty. I will not have turned against you in a bad way. Lord, I want to make you happy. I want my words and my thoughts to please You."
Psalms 19:12-14 EASY
And "How can I know all the sins lurking in my heart? Cleanse me from these hidden faults." Psalms 19:12 NLT
One more good one for clarification =
"Who can understand his errors or omissions? Acquit me of hidden (unconscious, unintended) faults. Also keep back Your servant from presumptuous (deliberate, willful) sins; Let them not rule and have control over me. Then I will be blameless (complete), And I shall be acquitted of great transgression."
Psa 19:12-13 AMP
That's how I feel all the time. It's overwhelming lately.
I'm constantly catching myself in sin.
...
I cannot ignore the fact that I was RAISED LIKE THIS, although that does not absolve me or acquit me of reprehensible guilt.
Mom always wanted to be famous. She wanted a magazine-cover family. She dressed like a model, associated with high-society folks & functions, kept up with the Joneses and tirelessly pushed her kids to be better than everyone else. We reflected on her, so we HAD to be the valedictorians, the prodigies, the overachievers, the stars. We were faux aristocrats, living a double life up in the boonies, cut off from all non-familial influence.
...
Our siblings all did well. They WERE AND ARE all shockingly smart, with impeccable grades and flourishing talents and multiple degrees. Whatever they set their minds to, it was done, and done marvelously.
But... not us. From the very beginning, we were sick & stupid, haha. And that was not only unexpected but UNACCEPTABLE. See, we got hit HARD as the firstborn, and the only biological female. We were the lauded doll, displayed like a decoration, that in time was scandalously revealed to be a factory error. Et cetera. Too much metaphor, but our brain avoids direct talk about childhood.
Nevertheless. The point relevant to today is: we felt FORCED to be "smart" and "clever," felt COMPELLED to "be able to answer any question or meet any challenge" so we would impress people AND SO HONOR OUR FAMILY.
...
But even in talking about this I'm being a judgmental ass.
...
I'm just so tired of hearing her say things like "I don't trust the Vatican, they're hiding the truth from us" and "this is why I get into arguments with the priests, because women were SUPPOSED to lead the church, remember Mary Magdalene?" and "people come back to earth in different bodies until they finish the mission they were sent here to do, and when we die we're just pure light, pure spirit" etc. No judgment, no sin, no hell, no urgency to this life, no need to evangelize others, no absolute Truth, et cetera. It's NONSENSE. But how do I tell that to her respectfully??? How do I defend the Faith? That sort of talk genuinely makes me ANGRY and I don't know how to rightfully respond.
And my therapist actually told me FLAT-OUT to NOT talk to people about religion because "it's disrespecting their boundaries." What, by DEFAULT??? What sort of boundaries are being crossed??? But she literally told me, keep it to yourself at home. I'M SORRY BUT THAT'S NOT REAL RELIGION. Religion affects the WHOLE LIFE, and it is INHERENTLY RELATIONAL. If I "keep it to myself" IT WILL DIE. Geez. But she's also the one who told me to effectively "pick and choose my moral code" so I cannot take her advice on ANY spiritual matters. That, ironically, makes honest therapy impossible. I will have to request a change in provider, if this week's session follows suit. I always feel so ill after our appointments. Oh yeah, and she has so far failed to even consider our multiplicity, so THAT is already a deal-breaker. If you're not treating US, then you're not treating ANYONE.
...thinking of that word "treat" and how I hated that TBAS would talk about humans on the same level as animals. No wonder they dehumanized us so easily in larger ways; their foundation was corrupt.
(left unfinished)
Woke up so weak, tired, kinda sick. Headache.
Still put our boots on & ran to Mass!
...
System too quiet. This happens when we're sick & out of it; there's a loss of selfhood?? We get consciousness overwhelmed by the symptoms.
UNEXPECTED SHOPPING TRIP WITH MOM?????
Took TWO HOURS DUDE
biggest shame: religion talk. She pushing reincarnation, female leaders in church, gender deconstruction? Magdalene conspiracy, "we are all on a special mission of enlightenment," etc. I responded too brusquely; I took offense at the newagey thoughts & "corrected" them too quickly and without dialogue. BUT!!! I noticed this AS it was happening, and tried hard to build a bridge on the spot-- explaining gender "role fluidity" IN Scripture, Mary’s key role as leading the women disciples, etc. Mom's demeanor notably lifted to enthusiasm. She began talking about ideal "women's groups" in church, less business-meeting and more "friends of Mary"-- the HISTORICAL MARY: a young Jewish refugee, possibly of color, living in poverty-- NOT a fair-haired white European woman. Etc.
I remember talking about how the LGBTQ movement & community is TOXIC and the Church NEEDS to step up to not only welcome but SAVE these kids from it. Mentioned "Jesus Movement" movie on that topic. Also mom talking about vans & 60s fashion, "we're on the verge of another revolution"= need to focus on caring for planet & people as ONE FAMILY & HOME.
In all topics, we noticed our distressing & disgusting habit of being JUDGMENTAL & OBTRUSIVE. It's like playing social chess; it feels like we're desperate to "win" some game of strategy with high stakes??? It's mostly automated and we HATE IT. At least we're more conscious of it. It just brings such sin & shame; it breeds ugly pride. Our mom deserves better too. We're such a poor listener like that. We WANT TO BE MEEK & HUMBLE & PATIENT & KIND. We're so tired of being bossy, clever, loud, and rushed. It's spiritually exhausting.
The ending of Psalm 19 is really how i feel right now.
"Nobody realizes every time they do something wrong. Please forgive me for the sins that I do not know about. Lord, stop me doing things that I know are wrong. Do not let those sins rule my life. Then I will not be guilty. I will not have turned against you in a bad way. Lord, I want to make you happy. I want my words and my thoughts to please You."
Psalms 19:12-14 EASY
And "How can I know all the sins lurking in my heart? Cleanse me from these hidden faults." Psalms 19:12 NLT
One more good one for clarification =
"Who can understand his errors or omissions? Acquit me of hidden (unconscious, unintended) faults. Also keep back Your servant from presumptuous (deliberate, willful) sins; Let them not rule and have control over me. Then I will be blameless (complete), And I shall be acquitted of great transgression."
Psa 19:12-13 AMP
That's how I feel all the time. It's overwhelming lately.
I'm constantly catching myself in sin.
...
I cannot ignore the fact that I was RAISED LIKE THIS, although that does not absolve me or acquit me of reprehensible guilt.
Mom always wanted to be famous. She wanted a magazine-cover family. She dressed like a model, associated with high-society folks & functions, kept up with the Joneses and tirelessly pushed her kids to be better than everyone else. We reflected on her, so we HAD to be the valedictorians, the prodigies, the overachievers, the stars. We were faux aristocrats, living a double life up in the boonies, cut off from all non-familial influence.
...
Our siblings all did well. They WERE AND ARE all shockingly smart, with impeccable grades and flourishing talents and multiple degrees. Whatever they set their minds to, it was done, and done marvelously.
But... not us. From the very beginning, we were sick & stupid, haha. And that was not only unexpected but UNACCEPTABLE. See, we got hit HARD as the firstborn, and the only biological female. We were the lauded doll, displayed like a decoration, that in time was scandalously revealed to be a factory error. Et cetera. Too much metaphor, but our brain avoids direct talk about childhood.
Nevertheless. The point relevant to today is: we felt FORCED to be "smart" and "clever," felt COMPELLED to "be able to answer any question or meet any challenge" so we would impress people AND SO HONOR OUR FAMILY.
...
But even in talking about this I'm being a judgmental ass.
...
I'm just so tired of hearing her say things like "I don't trust the Vatican, they're hiding the truth from us" and "this is why I get into arguments with the priests, because women were SUPPOSED to lead the church, remember Mary Magdalene?" and "people come back to earth in different bodies until they finish the mission they were sent here to do, and when we die we're just pure light, pure spirit" etc. No judgment, no sin, no hell, no urgency to this life, no need to evangelize others, no absolute Truth, et cetera. It's NONSENSE. But how do I tell that to her respectfully??? How do I defend the Faith? That sort of talk genuinely makes me ANGRY and I don't know how to rightfully respond.
And my therapist actually told me FLAT-OUT to NOT talk to people about religion because "it's disrespecting their boundaries." What, by DEFAULT??? What sort of boundaries are being crossed??? But she literally told me, keep it to yourself at home. I'M SORRY BUT THAT'S NOT REAL RELIGION. Religion affects the WHOLE LIFE, and it is INHERENTLY RELATIONAL. If I "keep it to myself" IT WILL DIE. Geez. But she's also the one who told me to effectively "pick and choose my moral code" so I cannot take her advice on ANY spiritual matters. That, ironically, makes honest therapy impossible. I will have to request a change in provider, if this week's session follows suit. I always feel so ill after our appointments. Oh yeah, and she has so far failed to even consider our multiplicity, so THAT is already a deal-breaker. If you're not treating US, then you're not treating ANYONE.
...thinking of that word "treat" and how I hated that TBAS would talk about humans on the same level as animals. No wonder they dehumanized us so easily in larger ways; their foundation was corrupt.
(left unfinished)
