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[prismaticbleed]

I'm literally BURNT OUT & OVERWHELMED by the mere thought of GOING BACK TO THAT APARTMENT and Laurie is seriously trying to help me "drop my depression score" by reminding me that I have SO MANY GOOD THINGS to live for, EVEN NOW, but I keep feeling mentally dragged back into that "stuck/ helpless/ useless" space? But I'm trying to feel out WHY and I THINK IT'S TIED TO HYPERPRODUCTIVE COMPULSION?? Like I feel that I CAN'T just HAVE JOY. I "can't just" write poetry or compose music or worldbuild or journal or sing or meditate. I "have" to... do what? Isn't that odd? That's where the eating disorder came in. Compulsive selfdestructive timewasting, SOLELY because I felt "NOT ALLOWED" to archive or Leaguework or REST. And THAT'S WHY I'M TOTALLY SHIFTING THE APARTMENT SPACE. I know my brain has "object permanence" issues so I HAVE TO PUT ALL MY CREATIVE STUFF OUT IN THE OPEN, FULLY & READILY ACCESSIBLE & IN REACH & VISIBLE. And I BOTH NEED AND WANT TO WORK ON IT ALL EVERY DAY. Focus on one part of it and GET STUFF DONE. Be GOAL-ORIENTED & PURPOSE-DRIVEN and CLEAR ABOUT YOUR DIRECTION. The three BIG things posing big concernes? FOOD, EXERCISE, & RELIGION. The first two are potentially manageable-- food can be smaller portions spread out, more nutrition/ calorie dense and maybe clean/ portable enough to eat WHILE I work on art? Actually NO, I DON'T WANT TO SPLIT UP ATTENTION. So meals MUST have their own time, but MINIMAL. Be flexible about time and DON'T BREAK FOCUS if you're on a roll creatively, but don't skip eating either! We'll make it work. As for workouts, I'd love to hit the gym first thing in the morning & have that also a time for MUSIC? AND if I do MASS & ADORATION right after, I can do my DAILY PRAYERS THEN & be free in conscience to WORK. Because I do NOT WANT TO SKIP PRAYER OR MASS, EVER. But I ALSO CAN'T "CORRUPT" MY FAITH WITH SCRUPULOSITY ANYMORE. I HAVE to BALANCE the rituals of religion with the RESPONSIBILITIES OF MY CALLING IN LIFE. But THAT CALLING IS PRAYER, TOO. Make sure you ALWAYS keep GOD at the CENTER-- NOT SCRUPULOUS PRACTICES!! And GOD DOESN'T EXCLUDE ANYTHING. HE DOESN'T WANT YOU TO ABANDON YOUR TALENTS/ PASSIONS/ JOYS. He wants to SANCTIFY & BLESS them!! Dude HE IS STILL WITH YOU NOW. He's with ALL of you, because HE MADE YOU A SYSTEM. YOU KNOW THIS. THE SYSTEM IS LOVE AT ITS ABSOLUTE HEART AND THEY DO ALWAYS BRING YOU CLOSER TO GOD BECAUSE OF THAT LOVE. SAME WITH THE LEAGUEWORLDS. GOD GAVE IT ALL TO YOU. IT'S NOT "SEPARATE" FROM HIM! IT'S HIS WILL THAT YOU LIVE AS YOUR AUTHENTIC SELF & MEET YOUR NEEDS IN ALL RESPECTS! THAT ABSOLUTELY INCLUDES YOUR GIFTS & LOVES. You aren't just ALLOWED to live that life: you MUST.

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FUTURE CONTEXT
✳ DON'T FORGET = YOU WILL BE SPENDING A LOT OF TIME WITH MOM!! ESPECIALLY HELPING AT THE HOUSE! (MAKE A SPOTIFY "WORK" PLAYLIST?)
✳ GET SOCIAL WITH EDIFYING PEOPLE. Seriously dude STOP ISOLATING. Meet library people. Meet cafe people. Meet art people. Meet CHURCH people. LOOK ONLINE for local groups that will LIFT UP YOUR SOUL!


FUTURE "FEARS"/ WORRIES =
- feeling "stuck inside" and alone
- "not allowed to have FUN/ JOY"
- "have to spend all my time in public" (no solitude)
- No skills
- Too weak
- Unable to run
- Fear of traveling by bus
- Fear of going outside alone
- Too much food focus
- Can't find real friends
- Poverty limitations
- Transportation limitations
- "Not enough time"???
- "NOT GOOD ENOUGH"
- "Have to work a job" ONLY
- "Only useful if I'm marketable"
- Can't properly play instruments
- Apartment remodel failure
- "Have to ONLY pray all day"
- "Religion vs. passion for life"
- Being female
- Can't be involved with queer folks
- "Not allowed to do what I love to do"
- "God won't help me creatively"
- "Anything that's NOT explicit religion is a SIN"
- Education debt possible
- "Dead end" "soulsucking" job
- PTSD debilitating return
- Overwhelmed by work
- Disappointment to famoly
- LOSE SELF TO "SOCIALS"
- HAVE TO LIFE LIFE "FOR MOM"


FUTURE HOPES/ DREAMS/ GOALS =
- PUBLISHING BOOKS/ POETRY
- Writing NEW MUSIC
- CHRISTMAS "EP" AT LEAST
- Learn cello/ viola/ guzheng
- FIX THE ERHU
- Get a DOUBLESTRING GUITAR
- Learn to REALLY PAINT
- Get in an art gallery one day
- "Audiobook" reading possible?
- GET BUFF AT THE GYM
- Make REAL friends
✳ GET A VOICE RECORDER AGAIN
- ARCHIVING
- ↑ BOOK EDIT!!
- SAVE UP FOR A FULLSIZE KEYBOARD
- Learn how to write screenplays
- Character design skillbuilding
- LEARN THE WACOM
- Learn landscapes/ anatomy
- WEBCOMIC Leagueworld?
- WORK WITH EXCALIBUR ON MUSIC?
- Tumblr community interaction (DID + F/O)
- ENTER CONTESTS for creativity
- ZINES
- Start an Etsy?
- Start a Kofi?
- WEBSITE
- "Insight" blog
- VOCATIONAL REHAB
- Find "queer"/ "creative" spaces
- GET ON SPOTIFY (write a HIT BRO)
- HIKING/ NATURE WALKS
- Get a small TYPING laptop for travel

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I'm "giving up." I'm scared. I DON'T WANT TO but it's HAPPENING. "Binge" AND "restrict" behaviors are RETURNING FULL FORCE with an "I don't care anymore"/ "nothing matters" numb misery behind it. I didn't enjoy lunch at all. I swamped it in condiments I didn't want. WHAT IS GOING ON? Dude I ACTUALLY GOT DROPPED A MEALPLAN this morning which is FANTASTIC because it means LESS VOLUME & LESS CALORIES & LESS EXPENSE & LESS TIME! It means IF I DO attend Partial, THEY CAN'T FORCE ME TO BINGE!! So WHY THE HECK AM I DESOLATE? Honestly I feel like HELPLESS CRYING. I'm... I feel crumpled. Wilted. Sad. Is it because I'm going "home" to a place that isn't "home" at all? God I MISS EVERYONE. I'm miserable because WE HAVEN'T RECOVERED FROM CNC and I feel LOST & EMPTY because Central is still in ruins and the Spectrum has pieces missing and Infi is still dead. I'm so terribly sad. Except... isn't there hope? Isn't there the Leagueworlds? Isn't there family? I'm already crushed flat by the mere thought of having to go back to a soulless prayer routine & forced socializing without being real at all. I'm so sad. I'm tired of not-existing. I desperately want to feel FREE & STRONG & JOYFUL & MEANINGFUL & ALIVE. And I don't. It's because I'm so disconnected from inside. Why? Because I'm too upset by the physical. Why? Because I'm NOT LIVING AS US. Isn't that ironic? But it's ALWAYS THE CAUSE. Boy you NEED TO GET INTO HEARTSPACE ASAP because THAT IS THE BRIDGE. Your imagination is a GIFT FROM GOD so USE IT. Seriously STOP OBSESSING OVER DISCHARGE PLANS & TUNE IN TO YOUR HEART, because if you're OUT OF TUNE you'll NEVER be happy, no matter HOW MUCH you "plan"!
✳ ALSO. TODAY HAS PROVEN THAT YOU NEED INSPIRATION (movies, books), CATHARSIS (music), and COMMUNION (people who LOVE YOU) to be TRULY HAPPY/ FULFILLED/ YOURSELF!! When you REFUSE to "TAKE IN" GOOD & BEAUTIFUL THINGS, instead trying to "FEED ON YOURSELF," you WILL STARVE TO DEATH.