sept 2023 faithposting PART TWO

[prismaticbleed]

(CLICK FOR PART ONE)


this month has been ALL ABOUT RELIGIOUS READING and so there is a rather overwhelming ton of sheer "faithpasting" in the daily entry log.

to avoid such cluttering, and to keep the visible train of thought apparent between topics and scripture study progression, we have decided to post them all into one bulk entry for the month-- or at least, as many as we can fit in here.

HOWEVER, uniquely, this month ALSO includes extensive PERSONAL COMMENTARY on most pastes. that makes this entry less of a databank and more of a sincere record of our faith journey over the past 30 days.

may God continue to guide us and bless us all together in His love.





this month has been ALL ABOUT RELIGIOUS READING and so there is a rather overwhelming ton of sheer "faithpasting" in the daily entry log.

to avoid such cluttering, and to keep the visible train of thought apparent between topics and scripture study progression, we have decided to post them all into one bulk entry for the month-- or at least, as many as we can fit in here.

HOWEVER, uniquely, this month ALSO includes extensive PERSONAL COMMENTARY on most pastes. that makes this entry less of a databank and more of a sincere record of our faith journey over the past 30 days.

may God continue to guide us and bless us all together in His love.


(these entries MIGHT actually be moved into their own entries after all, ONCE we write proper commentary on them and so can stand alone. As of right now, this is just a proper bank for keeping them all together.)

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0921


THE BEATITUDES ARE POSSIBLY "FEMININE" VIRTUES?????
Struck by how "womanly" the set is on first glance, yet it takes IMMENSE STRENGTH OF SOUL to live them.
A thought, could be incorrect = do they COMPLEMENT, HEAL, & COMPLETE their SKEWED "MASCULINE" CULTURAL COUNTERPARTS????
Meekness is TRUE power, mercy is the BASE of justice, etc.???
⭐MARRIAGE OF HEAVEN & EARTH

Jesus's Incarnation allowed God to BECOME every virtue, INCLUDING those which the Father "could not" exemplify solo-- such as obedience, humility, and the graces of suffering?
Beauty of the TRINITY


DAILY DEVOTIONALS =

"SLOTH" TRUE DEFINITION IS SUPER IMPORTANT.
" Sloth is the unwillingness to do what we know is right and good." GODPHONE REFERENCE. When He speaks and we respond "Not yet, not now, it's too difficult, I'm too exhausted, " etc. THAT IS SLOTH!!!!
In light of Francis devotional about "spiritual warfare" =
" To take up our cross Means to make a firm and courageous decision to renounce evil & its enticements,  And to choose the good, ready to pay in person.  This is profound war against evil!"
" If someone witnessed your day-to-day life would they witness a Battle against evil?  What courageous actions would they see?"
Laurie saying THAT'S OUR PURPOSE!!!

ODB about St Matthew, obvious parallels to us.
Paraphrasing =
" Like Matthew we used to be trapped living in the Kingdom of darkness without hope and without God in the world."  But God desires to Transform you into his instrument of mercy!!"
" Jesus broke into Matthew's life and delivered him. Jesus desires mercy most of all and he came to call sinners to salvation specifically.  He calls all of us likewise.  When we let his will be done in our life it makes his Kingdom Come true in our life and frees us to bring His mercy to others."

Also verse reference to TRUE UNITY is always ORIGINATING IN THE SPIRIT and its binding force is PEACE.
Relevant to our System

Padre Pio in book
"But I am confused, and I can only weep and say, "Jesus, my Food!"
We WEPT. It hit our heart with tangible pain.
Godphone ringing as a result of that
Talked about fears of surrender, faith the key, trust in goodness, hope through love, true joy in heaven, etc.

"When the going got tough, the disciples scattered like the wind. I can’t help but wonder: what if they, like Jesus, had wrestled in prayer till they came to a point of complete obedience and surrender? Would they have been able to stand their ground when Jesus was arrested? Jesus knew just how fragile their faith could be. And he gave them – and gives us – the armor of prayer to guard against that fragility. What is my instinctual response in the face of pressure? Do I spend time in prayer to prepare for my daily battles? Do I go in fight or flight mode? Or do I stay in faith mode, depending on God to see me through?"
We need that alone time with God in prayer so we don’t fall into temptation-- [just as a warrior needs one-on-one training to prepare for war]."
That last bit is our addition because that's EXACTLY the image we got by the personal, private, arduous, dedicated practice of true prayer.
But man that fight/flight/fawn vs FAITH bit HITS, as a traumatized person.


"There is an emptiness in our lives that can only be filled by the presence of Jesus. Picture Jesus walking by you right now. He turns and ask you this question “What are you seeking?” What would you say? Remember: God has a special purpose for your life. When you desire to seek Him first, you can rest assured that everything else will fall into place."
I'm pasting this because I actually hear very many people object angrily to these sentiments. That violent disdain plants evil seeds, even through passive awareness, so I MUST take time to rip out the roots.
...

"[Consider] Jesus’ first disciples - John and Andrew. Isn’t it interesting that these two were already disciples of John the Baptist? They were seekers. I wouldn’t doubt they were there the day before seeing John the Baptist - their leader - baptize Jesus. Every step of Jesus was intentional. His public ministry was just 3 1/2 years in length so every day counted. Here He is walking by the same place He did the day before. John the Baptist sees Him again and uses the same phrase when he first saw Jesus “Behold the Lamb of God.” But this time something happened - two of John the Baptist’s disciples were signaled out by Jesus and asked a direct question-- “What are you seeking?” These two seekers asked where Jesus was staying and followed him - not just that day but the rest of their lives. Their search was over. They had found what they were looking for. They would spend the rest of their time with Jesus and become bold witnesses for Jesus after His death."
There is SO MUCH IMPORTANCE here.
Jesus purposely repeated His action of simply walking by, although it seemed inconsequential, and "nothing happened" that could be observed the other times.
BUT. He has done this in OUR LIFE. Let me expand the metaphor a little.
Sometimes He walks by, the same road, the same way, over and over again. Maybe we don't recognize it's Him. Maybe we just think it's a daily walk He takes for Himself. Maybe we wave hello, maybe we make His passing a fond earmark of our daily schedule... we take it for granted, we don't suspect any further significance.
...that is, we don't, if we aren't seeking something greater.
EVEN NOW the Baptist is pointing to Him. THAT IS KEY. Before we follow Christ, who ARE we following? Is that person pointing to Jesus and we don't quite get it? Are we confused and too proud to ask? Are we unwilling to listen at all for fear of the implications?
If we stick around, though-- if we still keep that ember of seeking alive in our heart-- one day, something WILL happen. And Jesus KNOWS it. That's why He keeps coming back. WE NEED THE BUILDUP, TOO.
Everything that seems sudden & spontaneous has TONS of lead-up to it. It never occurs in an actual vacuum.
Likewise, Jesus builds with every step. Every single step He takes has purpose FOR OUR SALVATION.
...

⭐A note: the "Alive" devotional has had POEMS the past two days that we REALLY want to type about LINE BY LINE.
Make time TO do that, seriously.


Okay this one is titled "shattered selves," hello DID
"We all wear masks. We all say “I’m fine” even when we’re not. We all filter our image so it looks as though we’ve got everything together."
=there is a LOT of SELF-DECEPTION AND BRAINWASHING happening here for us. When we say "we're fine" we are effectively FORCING THAT TO BE TRUE and there are SOCIALS WHO THEREFORE EXIST IN THAT SHALLOW "REALITY."
...that "masks" comment hurts like bring stabbed. We still hear Mel's voice angry in our ears. Why did that hurt so bad? Why does it still?
=as for image filtering, we're finally noticing how OBVIOUS that is in our behavior. Again, Look at the Socials!! Look at the Blepofoni for heaven's sake! For some bizarre reason, starting with Jayce's bloodline in college, we adopted a "hoodlum" aesthetic. I'm being blunt. It started as "aristopunk" as Cannon's formality bled into Jayce's casual swagger, and... it just became default. BUT WHY THAT?? Why did we ditch the suits & ties for studs & shades? Why did we go from gentleman to gangster?
Where would we have gone if we had stayed female-presenting? Would Cannon have followed the pattern and gone "stone butch"?
The poor Jewels couldn't survive; they're perpetual teens & tweens, literally unable to exist in an adult world.
But we're rambling now. In every case the initial question remains: why this image filter in particular? Why this specific mask?

"Yet there’s so much power in simply being who we are. Our pain, our imperfections, our inglorious pasts – these are all part of us... If we hide from these things, if we filter them or cover them up, they will eventually consume us. But if we have the audacity to be vulnerable, to trust, to be our authentic and shattered selves, we will discover that God’s infinite grace and healing is available to us [through our honest openness to Him].
"We’re all making it up as we go along. We’re all fighting a battle of some kind. And it’s from these cracks in our wounded hearts that love can shine back out."
KINTSUGI. Good Lord it's been years.


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BIBLE STUDY =

⭐⭐⭐thánatos (derived from 2348 /thnḗskō, "to die") – physical or spiritual death; (figuratively) separation from the life (salvation) of God forever by dying without first experiencing death to self TO receive His gift of salvation.⭐⭐⭐
WE NEVER REALIZED THAT KEY CONTRAST.
THAT IS LITERALLY A LIFE-CHANGING CLARIFICATION

"Christ knowing the need of Martha and Mary, and the approaching death of Lazarus, purposefully delayed going to the rescue. In this act, He left Lazarus to die alone, and Martha and Mary to weep alone. Have we ever felt that we were forsaken?"
...oh man Matthew 27:46 it starting to really hit deep.
I keep thinking of grandma's death. We have NOT dealt with it at ALL. 
...she felt forsaken, by us.
We felt forsaken by God in His LETTING THAT HAPPEN.
...
 

"Already Mary had often sat at Jesus' feet and had heard His word. Now she was to see in Him more, perhaps, than she had ever seen. With Lazarus raised, her faith would take on a far wider sweep, both as to Christ's Person and power."
I feel this is very applicable to us. We're sitting at His feet more often now than we ever have before, but... there's a difference between just listening to Truth in His Words, and SEEING Truth in His Person? Yet we NEED the former substantially to ever experience or even understand the latter.
Trust that even now, feeling stagnant even as we read for hours, Christ is preparing us for receiving more of Himself. And yes... it may indeed involve death & weeping. But trust Who you know Him to be, from all the watching & listening before. He is still teaching you. But all teaching requires growth as its result, and that growth comes through the application of testing & trial. Yet it is all of goodness. It is all for love. It is all from Him and for Him. Cling to that in faith.
...I'm blurring into thriskefoni parroting here. That happens far too easily. Do NOT let this turn into blithering platitudes. Even an AI can do that, better than us when we're in this mindset. Vapidly quotable religion is no religion at all.
If it's not bleeding, it's not Christianity.


"How often do we miss God's best by our lack of faith! We read of Nazareth that Christ could do no mighty works there because of their unbelief. So it always is. Has not the Lord said, "According to your faith be it unto you?" What we believe, He does. It was by faith that the ancients of old wrought miracles..."
This is not magical thinking. This is not the cursed prosperity "gospel". This is a daily struggle we have-- do we believe that Christ not only can, but WANTS TO do good for us? Do we believe that He WILLS to? THAT'S our lack of faith. It's horrible. It's terrifying. We keep using those words because they are to the point and simply honest. Vocabulary dazzle means nothing in these moral torments.
...that mention of faith IN GOD as the empowering factor behind miracles is key, too. Faith requires humility, remember. Saying you "have faith that God will empower you to work wonders" is nothing but a proud and damning sham if you aren't completely surrendered to His will in meekness & self-denial. If God works miracles through you, its because HE WANTS TO use you as an instrument of HIS GLORY and because YOU AREN'T STANDING IN HIS WAY.
...I'm off topic again, somewhat.
...Faith. How do I miss "God's best" by a lack of it? What do I believe He will do? If my faith is the context, the limits, within which HE CHOOSES to be constrained, respecting my free will, not forcing Himself on me... then what am I letting Him do?
And it's not "what do I believe He will do," actually. The root is DO I HAVE FAITH IN HIM. DO I TRUST HIM. DO I TRUST HE IS WHO HE SAYS HE IS. DO I TRUST HIS CHARACTER AND HIS MOTIVES. Faith is about RELATIONSHIP, just like love, it's about TRUSTING someone and BANKING ON IT.
...
Where do I hesitate? Where are the question marks in my faith?


"In regeneration, which is a resurrection out of the old life, there is no stench of the tomb left... there are no marks of death left upon raised saints. The Lord Jesus commands every believer to put off the old life, which is corrupt according to deceitful lusts, and to go forth robed in the new life, which, [modeled] after God, is created in righteousness and true holiness... We are saved to serve."
... that honestly makes me feel like sobbing.
I... never actually considered that. I've been so scared, every day, that my "old life" really isn't truly left in the tomb-- I walk around cringing, hiding, afraid that I still stink of sin... odious with the odor of opprobrium, objurgated & ostracized by all.
Aching alliteration aside, this is revelatory for me. It's also frightening. AM I robed in new life? Am I just fooling myself? Qm I really serving God? Am I really saved? How can I tell? I really don't trust my own judgment at this point... and really, I don't have to. I shouldn't be looking to my own mangled mind in the first place. It's GOD I need to consult-- the One Who both defines and does the delivering.
...
Note "no marks of death." Contrast Christ's Wounds. They are marks of LIFE. Is it the same with Saint Dymphna & Cecilia's scarred throats, with Saint Lawrence & Bartholomew's tortured skin, with all the countless marks of axes and arrows and bullets and bombs? When the martyrs die for the sake of love, when their execution is the very confirmation of faith, do those physical proofs persevere, even if only as echoes?
...


"There are [God-given] varieties in character, and the grace of God does not cast all Christians into one and the same mould. Admitting fully that the foundations of Christian character are always the same, and that all God’s children repent, believe, are holy, prayerful, and Scripture-loving, we must make allowances for wide varieties in their temperaments and habits of mind. We must not undervalue others because they are not exactly like ourselves. The flowers in a garden may differ widely, and yet the gardener feels interest in all...There are degrees of grace and varieties of grace; but the least, the weakest, the feeblest disciples, are all loved by the Lord Jesus. Do not, therefore, despise or undervalue a brother."
YOU ARE INCLUDED. WEIRD AS YOU ARE, YOU ARE STILL A CHRISTIAN.
THIS GOES FOR YOUR JUDGMENTAL ATTITUDE, TOO. If that is a DEFENSE MECHANISM against this exclusion fear, it's a poor one, and it backfires absolutely.

...

"We know that the delay caused immense mental pain and suffering to Martha and Mary, and obliged Lazarus to go through all the agony of death, and the sorrow of parting. We can easily imagine the grief and suspense and perplexity in which the household at Bethany must have been kept for four days, when their loving Master did not appear: and we know that our Lord could have prevented it all, but did not."
..oh my gosh THAT'S my problem.
Is it even delay that I'm hurting over?
Or is it refusal to act at all?
I don't believe that "God isn't there." I KNOW He is. It just feels like He's STANDING THERE, watching and knowing and STILL DOING NOTHING. That's the true confusion & fear. If He's THERE, why hasn't He acted? Is the inaction his ACTUAL action, in awful paradox? And not even to act otherwise after-- no, I fear He shows up, stands and watches us die, and then LEAVES.
WHY.
JESUS NEVER EVER DID THAT IN HIS LIFE SO HE SURE AS HEAVEN IS NOT GOING TO DO IT NOW!!!!!!!

...and here's the next paragraph.
"We have here the simplest and best account of the permission of evil and suffering.— God could prevent it. God does not love to make His creatures suffer. But God sees there are lessons which mankind could not learn unless evil was permitted: therefore God permits it. The suffering of some tends to the good of many. ‘He that believeth shall not make haste.’ We shall see at the Last Day that all was well done. Even the delays and long intervals which puzzle us in God’s dealings, are wisely ordered, and are working for good. Like children we are poor judges of half-finished work."
It really does always just boil back down to faith, doesn't it.
It's always the closing chapters of the Book of Job.
Who am I to make ANY sort of assumption about God? Who am I to question ANY thing He does or allows or permits?
Who am I to claim that He DIDN'T act?

"We must not judge of Christ’s love to us, by His mere external dispensations of Providence, nor judge that He doth not love us, because He doth not presently come in to our help at our time, and in such ways and methods as we think reasonable.”
"Christ tarried, that none might be able to assert that He restored Lazarus when not yet dead, saying it was a lethargy, a fainting, a fit, but not death. He therefore tarried so long that corruption began.” 
...
...well that's a shot straight to the heart.


Its all self-pity, isn't it.
I'm not mourning her. I KNOW that woman is in heaven, or solidly on the way. I am glad her torments are over forever. I am grateful for her wondrous life and rejoice that I was privileged to be a tiny part of it.
All my grief and misery is about HOW POORLY I TREATED HER WHEN SHE WAS ALIVE, HOW COLDLY I ABANDONED HER WHEN SHE WAS DYING, AND HOW HONESTLY I LOVED HER THE ENTIRE TIME, NO MATTER HOW ABHORRENT MY EXISTENCE WAS IN SPITE OF IT.
I'm mourning the fact that I could have loved her better and I didn't.
And now I never can.
She died because of me.
Grandpa died because of me.
My sister almost died because of me.
I'm sure there are many others.
Actually my whole damn life I've been a curse. EVERY person I've come in contact with has had suffered some sort of fatal injury from it.
I really don't want to wallow in "poor me" talk because that's not my intention. The problem is, deep down my real intention is HATRED. I see myself as a cancer, as a plague, and I SHOULD HAVE DIED INSTEAD OF THEM. Furthermore, if I hadn't been there, THEY WOULDN'T HAVE DIED.
The grief is unbearable GUILT. There is so much blood on my hands.
"The sharpest sting of death is the sense of unpardoned sin."
No wonder I can't find any comfort.
Why do I still feel like God hasn't forgiven me?
HAVE I truly confessed this bloodguilt??

...

"...the selfishness of ordinary human grief... prides itself on a monopoly of mourning, and in proportion to its fancied intimacy with [its cause] tries to exclude others from the right of expressing their sorrow!"
This is the principle of "trauma superiority" too, that morbidly bizarre one-upmanship that victims display, claiming "I haven't suffered enough" or "that doesn't count as trauma" or "it could have been worse" or the like, and in the process effectively forbid the awful grief OF admitting trauma to happen at ALL, for ANYONE but the "WORST CASE"... which they are each sickly striving to be.
I know. I do it too. But it is indeed grasping at a "monopoly of mourning". It seeks the ultimate privilege of saying, "look how much I suffered! My situation is the worst by far, objectively nightmarish, incapable of being invalidated. Therefore I DESERVE to weep!" implying that no one else does. "You have no right to complain, let alone mourn! You don't KNOW how bad it COULD have been! Shut up and be grateful." The people saying such things are stripping the sufferers of all "rights" to weeping, and why? Because they don't want to see anyone else show proof of pain. Their hearts are so closed off to compassion, so numb to empathy, that they bar all but themselves from feeling sorrow, just so THEY are the ONLY ones who are comforted.
It's very sick. But it happens.
I forgot to address the "fancied intimacy with" bit. But I'm rambling stupidly again. I don't know what I'm talking about.
We think no one "gets" grief like we do. "You couldn't imagine how much this hurts! You don't know how bad I've had it!" Etc. It's selfish, it's isolating. It closes off the heart, because it takes a LOT of courage & humility & love to open it instead, and feel other people's pain too-- as your own.
I want to type about that bit more. But not during dinner.

"The work presented itself for Him to do, it was a work of God and it had to be done."
My immediate thought-- for something to be a "work of God," from a human perspective, we can't just "say it will glorify Him somehow." That's how fanatics justify their overly zealous acts. No, to be a work OF God, it must be something CHRIST would have done, for He ONLY did the works of God-- by God's authority and direction!! So Christ is the ONLY litmus test.
How did His works manifest God, to them point where He repeatedly proffered them as literal proof of His own consubstantial divinity? They were acts of charity, of mercy, of justice, of humility. He served the poor, He healed the sick, He sought no recognition...
...

"Let no difficulties of reason come in between us and the light. ‘Why should it be thought a thing incredible with you that God should raise the dead?’ Why, indeed? Instead of hesitating one moment about its eternal truth, let us all receive it as a revelation and miracle of Divine love.'
Our human pride-- and our fear of what we don't understand-- doesn't like to admit that many Divine things are MEANT to remain mysteries. In fact, the only ones that AREN'T "mysteries" are only so because GOD CHOSE TO REVEAL THEM TO US-- and even then, are we so foolish as to assume that we know the whole picture? We're humans! We're created beings, mortal & feeble & temporary! We are literally INCAPABLE of divine knowledge! We CANNOT comprehend His mysteries-- that's WHY they're mysteries! And we must learn to be okay with that. Really, we should REJOICE in that, because there's something infinitely beautiful & humbling in the fact that we will never know all there is to know and we cannot. God will always be infinitely greater. There's something wonderfully blissful in knowing that.
...yet, God became Man. Now THAT is a mystery He WANTS to share, that He WANTS us to explore, even if it is infinite too-- it is a knowledge of BOTH God and ourselves, in Christ, through the Holy Spirit. There IS an invitation to unity there, of a similarly mysterious sort, something so special and seemingly impossible but promised by Jesus Himself. (Quote)
...
Man I am OFF on a TANGENT!
...


"When will take place the happy, thrilling reunion of all loving hearts, when they will be able to walk together in the light of God and love again in the beauty of fond affection? When in the perfection of glorified manhood shall we be able to live in the unbroken Communion of Saints?"
...We've actually always struggled to grasp this aspect of heaven, because we've lacked it in life.
Friendship & community are still strange to us, and that is existentially terrifying for a Christian, honestly.
We're a communion of Saints, a global community, a Body of united believers-- but we're so scared of being in a crowd, of talking face to face, of people touching us... and yet, and yet, even with all the abuse & violent fears, we still crave that torturously impossible closeness of a girl.
Why. Why are we such a mess.
...still. it is a door for understanding heaven, a little, and the sanctified human closeness there, unviolated by lust or malice or rage or dehumanizing curiosity.


"Christ is our Ruler, and this on our part means that when His will is clear, we must give absolute submission; we are to be vessels fit for the Master's use... Our Master is our Owner; we are His slaves—at the Owner’s word of command and control."
These two descriptions are hard to accept at first, because they remind us of human fears.
Christ oversees us, leads us, and teaches us... but yes, he also rules us, and owns us. BUT ALL THOSE AUTHORITIES ARE UNITED!! Our God is ONE, remember; Christ is unchanging, and HE IS LOVE. So consider that! Christ owns us, we are His slaves, we do not own ourselves, we are totally under His command... but HE IS LOVE AND TRUTH, and He is also our Teacher, our Savior, our Brother! Could you ask for a better Owner? No way-- I wouldn't even want to own myself, dude, Lord knows I'm full of mean faults! So when we honestly consider this with our faithful hearts, despite our human fear, that trusting hope in KNOWING God is Good despite our confusion ALLOWS the Spirit to reveal the Reality-- that there is nothing to fear, nothing except sin, and God was willing to die to save us from it. So now, you can even rejoice that He owns you. It's an honor. "Enslavement" to Truth is a privilege, man.
That "vessel" bit is going to require some study of 2 Timothy 2:20-21 before we can properly muse upon it.
In any and all cases, though, when reading metaphors like this, remember-- GOD IS NOT LIKE FALLEN HUMANITY. GOD CANNOT SIN. So you have nothing to fear. Humans may best slaves-- not so with God, Who loves & cares for you even so. Humans may objectify you--  not so with God, Who created you as a person with inherent dignity. The things you shudder at & shrink from in those human titles DO NOT APPLY TO HIM. His Rule is holy and pure and good. His Power is just and wise and honorable.
..

"He wept because the mourning sisters wept. He mingled His tears with theirs. This is true sympathy, ‘ weeping with those that weep,’ making their sorrow our own. How really our Lord does this with His people! Our present griefs are so entirely absorbed in Him, that, softened by His love, soothed by His sympathy, succoured by His grace, trial is welcome, affliction is sweet, and the rod of a Father’s chastening buds and blossoms into delectable fruit."
Lots to unpack here, but let's start with the biggest point=
...I don't currently "have faith" that the Lord feels my grief? I find it hard to believe that He cares about it-- that He even views it as legitimate, as worth caring about. The thought of Him sharing my tears is utterly foreign & even uncomfortable-- is it because i hate my own tears? These effeminate, weak, foolish, crocodilian things?


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0922

DAILY DEVOTIONALS =

"Three times. The same prayer. Jesus of course knew that each time his Father had heard him. They shared a closeness that is not humanly comprehensible. The Father and the Son were part of the Trinity, the one and the same God. So, why did Jesus go to the Father three times to say pretty much the same thing? Perhaps it was to show us that we need to persist in prayer till we experience the rest that only He can give. Jesus did. He poured out in prayer what was pressing down on his heart. And once he found his place of joyful surrender, he got up and followed through in absolute obedience. 
Like Jesus, we too have the privilege of pouring out our hearts in persistent prayer. It’s not about twisting God’s arm to get what we want. It’s about learning to yield to him more completely. And like Jesus, we rise from our knees knowing that God has heard us and that ours is the victory.
What is pressing down on my heart today? Am I taking it to God in prayer? Am I experiencing his rest? Am I moving forward in obedience? Persevere in prayer until, like Jesus, you experience the joyful peace of trusting surrender to God and that consequent inner strengthening at the very core of your being."
...More revelations of perspective. I never considered that repetitive aspect of the Agony prayers before, let alone that such repetition was in FAITH, not despair. How human my assumptions were-- I completely overlooked the fact that CHRIST was the one praying in such a way. I forgot that, even in His agony, He and the Father WERE ONE. And, like John 11 says so beautifully, Jesus knows that His Father always hears Him... and KNOWS His Son, even as His Son knows HIM! That absolute trust & mutual unity was hidden to me, a frail mortal, seeing only the apparent echo of my own desperately repeated sobs.
...
Ironically, the constant repetition of trauma talk-- especially in therapy-- indicates a LACK of repetition in prayer.
I honestly haven't prayed my agonies like Jesus did in the Garden.
...


OH DUDE this one is SUPER IMPORTANT to us for OBVIOUS REASONS =
"As the men walked out after Bible Study, I noticed that one guy was seated in the corner, his eyes fixed on the floor. When I asked what was going on, he quietly said, "I have an addiction problem with my computer. My wife has no idea that I've battled this for over ten years."
Hebrews 2 declares that because of the death of Jesus, we have been set free and are not "held in slavery." That day in a locker room, the question hung in the air. If we are no longer slaves to sin, then why a decade of defeat? To answer the question, we began by talking about the mercy of Jesus. Hebrews 2 describes him as our "merciful and faithful high priest," which means that our sin doesn't change His love for us. Hebrews 2 also declares that "He is able to help those who are being tempted." But how does he help us?
As we talked, a question formed in my mind. "In light of this [Scripture], would you say that your Christian life has become about sin management?" The answer was immediate. "Yes. When I manage to stay pure for a few weeks, I feel good about my faith walk. When I stumble and fall, I feel like I'm far away from God. It's all I can think about."
We talked and prayed, and then I suggested something radically different. "Here is your assignment. For the next several months, I want you to stop focusing on sin, and instead focus on Jesus. Delight in Him. Sing to Him!" Several months later, I was in another locker room when suddenly I saw him, and as he walked across the room, I could see the light in his eyes. He whispered, "It worked! I'm free!"
Has your walk with Jesus become a life of sin management, or do you still delight in the Lord? How does worshipping Jesus help you when temptation knocks on your door?"
TALK ABOUT A GAME CHANGER.
That would have RADICALLY SHIFTED OUR HISTORY if we had been given such advice years ago.
But... here it is now. And there's a REASON for THAT, too. John 11 emphasizes that GOD'S DELAYS ARE ALL INTENTIONAL FOR GOOD. So we weren't supposed to hear this earlier, even if we find that difficult to accept. Trust Him. He's the one with the gameplan, the roadmap, and the screenplay, as it were. There is a perfection in everything He does, and does not do.
So I repeat the question: what do we do with this gift now? Because NOW is its ACTUAL TIME. So NOW is when it is ACTUALLY MEANT FOR.
...
It's for recovery, isn't it? The grief we keep revising, the wounds we keep reopening? This and the garden prayers-- what are we repeating, what are we focusing on?

Gosh it's all so elegantly connective. This is the hand of God, even in our little life. Blessed be the LORD.

BTW HEBREWS 2:14-18 IS ASTOUNDING SO PLEASE STUDY IT IN DEPTH


------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------

BIBLE STUDY =

"It is a blessed thing to have a ‘tearful’ nature.—We all have ‘tears’ in childhood. Why does the man weep less than the babe? Has he less cause to weep? Is it a stern law of nature that is given to infancy, and denied to our maturity? Or is it the hardening process which has been going on ever since we left our mother’s knee? The rough contact of life, the schoolroom, the playground, the associations of early life, the habits of youth, the infection of the world: of its money, its dissipations, its cares, its hardness? Softness is a bud which needs cherishing, and which will go if it is not carefully watched, and if it does not find itself in a genial atmosphere! It is a bloom which must be protected, or it will be brushed off! I speak earnestly to those who are just passing out of childhood. Keep jealously—jealously—that sweetest treasure which you carry with you from your nursery—an eye that can weep, a cheek that can blush, a heart that can melt! A poor bargain will it be, if you barter those ‘tears,’ for all the excitement that amusement can ever give; or for all the possessions which money has ever bought! Young man! never be ashamed of ‘tears.’ It is the highest honour of a man—to have a man’s strength with a woman’s softness!"
THAT IS EXACTLY WHAT WE ARE PRAYING & YEARNING FOR.
That is EXACTLY WHAT JAY'S HEART WAS MEANT TO BE.
That is the IDEAL & DEFINITIVE QUALITY OF A TRUE CORE.
That is exactly, completely, absolutely, what "I" want "my" heart to be now.
...
...(hardening)
...(atmosphere)
...(nursery?)
...(the treasure)
...(excite & amuse lies)
...(honor of both sexes united)


All right I need to just paste this all at once because I can feel my heart actually shattering as I read it =
 ‘Tears’ belong to Jesus.—It was His unfallen humanity that was so exquisitely ‘tearful.’ It is by union with Jesus that you will get back ‘tears.’ You will recover your childhood, and so you will partake in Christ’s gentle, gushing nature. Is not this part of what is meant—that ‘you must become as a little child’—that you may cry?
'The world, the flesh, the devil,’ kill ‘tears.’ Every sin you do kills a ‘tear.’ Jesus is their resurrection. You must not only go to Him—you must be in Him. Still do you say, ‘I have no tears’? Think of Jesus. Perhaps one of those many ‘tears’ He shed on earth is for you. ‘Tears’—yes, blood; for that dear Lord wept blood! At this moment, if you could see Jesus—as He looks on you even in heaven—I believe there would be a ‘tearfulness.’ ‘But still no tears?’ What, and if Jesus’s ‘tears’ may stand for ours, even as His righteousness is our righteousness? Then, in Him my ‘tearless’ being has ‘tears.’ Those ‘tears’ are mine. I do not weep, I cannot weep; but I weep in Him, and God accepts the weeping."
Pardon me while I actually feel like weeping over this.
...God, dearest God, this is literally EVERYTHING WE HAVE SOUGHT SO DESPERATELY FOR YEARS.
...
and oh man it just hit me. Jesus dies this for us THROUGH THE SYSTEM, TOO.
Look at Chaos 0-- look at Charis, as he is truly named up here. His biggest function in the System is to LOVE-- and to feel in his oceanic heart what others refuse to feel. He RADIATES sympathy, whether you like it or not. Like water, he absorbs and he disperses, transcending ego barriers, taking a tiny drop of feeling and making it a part of the very waves. When you're around him, you pick up on it just like you can hear the tide and breathe the salt from a distance. I'm rambling.
The point is... he still feels LIKE the ocean: tumultuous, crushingly deep, uncontrolled, massive. He weeps, but he weeps as if nothing else exists but tears. It's vital to us, but it's not a panacea. It can still destroy him, and it doesn't melt the stones it crashes upon--  however worn down their edges may indeed get, they are still rocks.
Jesus is beyond all comparison.
Think hard about every detail up there, every line. Each word is a gem, each sentence a treasure.
...
...(tears BELONG to Jesus)
...(unfallen humanity can weep?????)
...(union with him ONLY therefore enables; be IN Jesus TO cry)
...(HE IS THE RECOVERY OF CHILDHOOD???? remember DVM novena!!)
...(childhood & crying in general; memories?)
...(DEVIL KILLS TEARS)
...(RESURRECTION OF ALL INCLUDES TEARS???? )
...(JESUS WEPT BLOOD, LITERALLY AND FIGURATIVELY!!!!!)
...(HE CRIES FOR US, WHEN WE CAN'T. Just like the Holy Spirit prays for us)
...(Really THAT WHOLE LAST BIT)
...


"You will do well distinctly to understand that Jesus’s ‘tears’ at the grave of Bethany were purely ‘tears’ of sympathy. Jesus’s heart beat at once with the hearts about Him. He ‘wept’ because others ‘wept.’... It would be a beautiful and Christ-like thing to go about life with a tearful sympathy, carrying everywhere— to the sad and the sorrowful— not words, not comforting— but ‘tears!’ To the sinner— not words, not reproaches, not preaching— but ‘tears!’ There is a sympathy which is hard to rouse, and which very soon goes to sleep; which has in it more of duty than feeling; which fixes objects; which is very capricious in its work; which seldom rises to any loving height; which has a great deal of self and pride in it. I am not speaking of that. I speak of a sympathy which has fine, delicate cords running into everyone’s heart, which goes out, in a moment, to any one; to the happy, as to the unhappy; to the wicked; to the repulsive; which is set to every nature; which has a word, a thought, a feeling, which fits into every part of our common manhood: which can ‘weep with all that weep,’ and, higher still, which can ‘rejoice’—however dull itself—‘with all that rejoice’: nay, which can also still, in purest sympathy, rejoice with the weeper—for every weeping has its rejoicing; and weep with the rejoicer—because every rejoicing has its sorrow. The soul that does that—for Jesus’s sake— has an immense amount of Jesus in it. Do not be content with a low level of sympathy. Sympathy is not worth much unless it bring a ‘tear’ to the eye."
THOSE "CORDS OF THE HEART" ARE LITERALLY JEWELS LINKS. THAT IS HOW THEY LOOK. THAT IS HOW THEY TRULY WORK. 
Also we JUST watched "Inside Out" last night, SERIOUSLY. Jesus is slamdunking us today, straight up.
Can we just... type about this for the next month? I'm serious. THIS feels like a cornerstone, like a flood in a drought. We cannot just paste this and move on. We need to EMBED EVERY WORD OF THIS INTO OUR SOUL.
...
...(bring TEARS)
...(FAKE SYMPATHY and our GUILT of it)
...(REAL SYMPATHY is what we used to call "EXTREME EMPATHY"????)
...(emotions)
...
PLEASE, DO MEDITATE & PRAY ON THIS. UNITE YOUR HEART WITH HIS. LET HIM CRY FOR YOU.
WE NEED TO WEEP AGAIN. WE NEED TO BE SOFT AGAIN. WE NEED TO BE A CHILD AGAIN. WE NEED TO LOVE AGAIN. CHRIST IS THE ONLY WAY.


"The great design of the whole work of Christ was ‘to gather in one’; to make oneness. And He did it in this order. First, a mystic oneness of a soul with Himself. Then, [through that mystical oneness,] a oneness of every pardoned sinner with the Father. Then, a oneness of the whole man within himself, when every part of his being was in unity, by an act of consecration, of everything he is, and everything he has, for one single object, the glory of God. And then, the oneness of man with man—the Unity of the Church, the Communion of Saints."
REFLECT DEEPLY ON THAT. It's chronological steps, and there is vital meaning that applies IMMEDIATELY TO OUR LIFE NOW.

Okay, this hits harder than expected, so since we ironically struggle with unity in our humanity, take all of this & read it well=
"Thus formed, let us see in what this oneness always consists; its nature, and its extent.
I. One City.—We can fancy—in one of ‘the cities of refuge’—what a oneness there must have been of all the inhabitants. All one—in the same condemnation. All saved upon the same conditions: all within, all safe, and all necessarily kept together by the same bonds. Their shame, their joys, were all alike. The theme of their conversation must always be the same. What they had done: the danger they had incurred: how they had escaped: when they should be quite free. They had the same interests; the same hope; and equally all owed all to the same law of mercy. And there is not a believer upon this earth who is not an inhabitant of ‘the city of refuge.’ And here is our oneness. No one can reproach, no one can set himself above another. All once as good as dead; all alive now; all saved; and all by the same grace; and all bound to the same caution, least they should take one step of trespass! And all intent upon the same happy future of liberty and hope.
II. One Family.—But we may extend the illustration from ‘the city’ to ‘the family.’ What are we all again but ‘ one family,’ on which ‘one Name is named in earth and heaven,’ and that name ‘Father!’ ‘My Father!’ And all owing the right to use that dear Name of ‘Father’ to One—to One only—and that One the Elder Brother of us all—alike to the highest saint in heaven, and to the poorest, blood-washed sinner that walks this earth! And it is one house. They, up there, are in the higher chambers of it; but we, as many as are His, are in the lower rooms. It is the same ‘house.’ ‘In My Father’s house are many mansions.’ And this is one.
III. One Body.—But we are more than a family, we are one body. Some members have more honour than other members. But all are in the same great spiritual framework. The One Head gives life to all. From that Head all the guidings come. And in that Head all the sympathies meet. All beat, as with one pulse. The sorrow of one is the sorrow of all: the joy of one is the joy of all. And there is ‘no schism in the body.’"
...
The city = I had never considered to link the cities of refuge with the redeemed soul's condition before, but it makes sense. Remember they COULD NOT BE EXECUTED while they lived there?? And their sins were NOT MORTAL!!
The family = why is this still so hard for us? We LOVE our family, absolutely we do, but... it was, and is, still undeniably dysfunctional. We see "good Christian families" in books and on movies and somewhere deep down we mourn; we ache the loss of something we never knew we were missing until the void was revealed as abnormal. We see the "should have been" and it feels like a dagger plunged in our gut. We aren't bitter; we cannot be, we had our "normal," we loved it anyway, we don't regret the struggle... but we still wonder, weirdly, what would it have been like, for the faltering joys of our family to have been their defining light? What if there hadn't been fighting and drinking, screaming and cursing, threats and lies and havoc and fear?
The house = This simple reality, that the Church on earth IS ONE with the Church in heaven, is so huge it's admittedly scary. I'm not "saved" yet!! I'm still prone to sin and stupidity! I'm terrified of the impossibility of corrupting them, of scandalizing them, of somehow dirtying heaven itself with my very existence.
The body = this is the scariest one, and yet the most important, for Christ speaks of it at length.
...


 “The love of Jesus does not separate us from the common necessities and infirmities of human life. Men of God are still men.” 
I think this is something very important to Christianity that the "srlf-idolatry" movements completely disdain. I would know-- I was duped by them before.
All such movements, overtly or covertly, deny common humanity. They seek immortality, superiority, perfection, beauty & strength & power... it's all PRIDE. Really it's satanic. But the shocking thing to me is still that REJECTION OF HUMANNESS. Just look at the obvious examples of "nounself" pronouns, kintypes, and furries. It seems harmless, but ALL of it REFUSES HUMANITY. They want to be "other," they want to be "BETTER," and so they effectively excommunicate themselves from their genetic reality... and from their true global and spiritual family.
But that's a crime against the Body of Christ. The other point here is the crime specifically of shunning the humble nature of man. When you reject humanity's infirmities, by trying to be another species, you are going to find it hard to love those who suffer those infirmities. When you despise human necessities, you are going to find it hard to care about those who lack those necessities. It WILL happen-- again, we know, because it happened to us. 
...
How does the love of Jesus play into this? Because He emptied Himself, and took the firm of a slave. He wasn't "divinekin," he didn't use "godself" pronouns, He didnt complain that it sucks to be human, He didn't lament the loss of His apparent splendor-- you get the picture. He, in stark contrast, CHOSE to be weak & hungry & smelly & tired & human, subject to age & subdued by pain, just average flesh & bone & blood-- and why? Because He LOVES HUMANITY. He wanted to be JUST LIKE US because He LOVES US and He wanted to MAKE THAT VERY HUMANITY SOMETHING HOLY. No self-improvement books, no workout routines, no cure-all pills, no fad diets, no mantras & affirmations, no flags, no slogans, no special privileges, no lotteries, no hopes of being anything but a simple, ordinary, everyday human. And THAT was the very humble foundation that ALLOWED such meek & meager men to BE holy... to be LIKE CHRIST.
Let me try to summarize.
Jesus loves us, completely, radically, beautifully. Love has nothing to do with ease & pleasure & pride. His love is untouched & unfettered by our human infirmities-- which He also endured-- or our human necessities-- which He also was subject to. His love is NOT some trophy or gold star sticker that makes us "better" than "everyone else," because guess what? CHRIST'S LOVE IS MEANT TO ELIMINATE THAT MINDSET. His love doesn't separate, doesn't exclude, doesn't divide-- it UNITES, and it sanctifies.
You will still hunger and thirst, you will still be tired & aching, you will still grow old & feeble, you will still face death like every other man. You are not God. You cannot become God. God became MAN-- so what do you dare to demand in contrast? Jesus loves YOU, as a humble human, enough to become human with you, and so with all, and draw you into that common life with Himself-- so that even when you feel its weight, now you all feel it together with God, and what is there in such a loving unity but joy?
Christ's love takes the ordinary and lifts it gently into heaven. Rejoice that you are just a human. It is a blessing that not even the angels have.


"...He Who sees the end from the beginning streaks with a grandeur of style which could not be imitated by us. So the Lord speaks of things, not as they seem to be, nor even as they are in the present moment, but as they shall be in the long run.”
AND since He is TRUTH, then that ultimate end IS OUR TRUTH. If He speaks hope & salvation to you, even in your wretched frightened state, then cling to that with all your strength-- He SEES that for you, in your future that is His NOW, and you can bet everything on that joyful realization. If He says it IS, then it IS, and you need only have faith in Him.

"In John’s Gospel there are three times when someone dear to Jesus asked Him to do something (John 2:1-11, 7:1-10). In each of these three cases, Jesus responded in the same way.
Jesus first refused to grant their request and then He fulfilled it after showing that He does things according to the timing and will of God, not man. [Likewise,] through His [eventual] actions, Jesus demonstrated that His delays were not denials: They would bring greater glory to God."
IT'S ALL ABOUT GOD'S WILL. IT'S NEVER ABOUT HUMAN DECISION. If Jesus has to delay JUST to bring that point home, He will-- but STILL out of LOVE, never spite. He will always do good, even if we must wait longer than we want. He knows this! He's teaching us to be humble & submissive to God's timing, not demanding our own, no matter how "good" our request may indeed have been. We still have no right to direct God. Our most fervent prayers are heard only when their outcomes are surrendered entirely, freely, & meekly, to God's disposal.


"While humanity in general fears death, the Christian can only fear dying. The believer will never die, but simply make an instant transition from an old life to a new life. Those that believe in Jesus Christ appear to die, but yet they live. They are not in the grave, they are forever with the Lord. They are not unconscious, they are with their Lord in Paradise. Death cannot kill a believer, it can only usher him into a freer form of life... Death comes to the ungodly man as a penal infliction, but to the righteous as a summons to his Father’s palace: to the sinner it is an execution, to the saint an undressing. Death to the wicked is the King of terrors: death to the saint is the end of terrors, the commencement of glory.”
I'm typing too much; I don't know if I'm pasting this because I feel the impetus to type about it, or because it's just a good clarification.
...Still. to be repeatedly drawn to talk of death hints at something unresolved in our unconscious.
...We DO fear dying, but because we STILL see death AS A PENAL INFLICTION.
...

"In the primitive Church, when they repeated that article of the creed, ‘I believe in the resurrection of the flesh,’ they would point to their bodies and say, etiam hujus carnis, even of this very flesh."
Oh boy, that's a hard one. We're... still so scared to say that. This body has been a cesspit of sin, a hellish prison, a place of death & slavery-- and THAT SAME BODY will be resurrected? Our horror betrays our total misunderstanding of the phenomenon. Sin is NOT resurrected. This body was not born a gluttonous whore. And do you scoff at Christ's Blood, to imply that it cannot wash even YOU clean?
Sit and think about this. Our God is a God of miracles. He is glorified in His Mercy. Well, wouldn't the greatest miracle of mercy be to turn a filthy degenerate like you into a pure-hearted saint? Do you think He cannot? Because that doubt is the ONLY thing stopping Him.
Do not be Judas.


"Jesus didn't say, "Do you understand this?" but "Do you believe this?" Jesus challenged Martha not to debate or intellectual assent, but to belief. She must believe Jesus was who He said He was and that He could do what He said He could do."
We have been thinking A LOT lately about the distinction between "faith" as candid belief and "understanding" as critical doubt. That's really what it is for us, to be blunt. Oh of course we WANT to understand, but oh how easily that can just fuel a hollow pride. Even worse, would that understanding do anything for our faith? Would it bolster our belief? Because it CAN, absolutely, BUT YOU NEED THE FAITH FIRST. That's the catch, it seems. If you have no true faith, if you keep declining to believe, because "you don't understand enough"... good luck, buddy, because you're human, and you're trying to understand GOD. It's impossible, like it or not. The ONLY way we CAN "understand" ANYTHING of God is through loving Him, by which His Spirit speaks Truth to our hearts as HE wills to reveal-- and you can't love Him if you have no faith in Him. It's a profoundly simple thing. How, then, do we have faith? How do we take that first yet forever step?
That's the biggest mystery of all-- it's all grace.
We cannot reason our way into faith. It is an illumination of the heart.
...I'm rambling again. I can feel it. It's burnout. Thriskefoni are going to start babbling without depth or comprehension if this continues. I apologize.
Let me conclude, if I can, please Lord, simply.
Jesus is God. What He says is Truth. Do we believe this? That's what everything comes down to. As strange and amazing as His Words may be, He has said them, and so they are infinitely trustworthy. That's it, that's the bottom line. If we can just... bet everything on Him, we'll be okay. If we can throw our whole life into that assertion-- I do believe, Lord, because I trust You-- then all else will follow. Do you trust that He is God? Have you seen His gracious works, felt His deep love, heard His wise words? Do you realize His sinless Heart proved in His humble conduct, in His majestic mercy towards all? More than that, even-- He has claimed the divine dignity. He has owned the prophecy. Do you take Him as a whole, as this perfect Life, on His testimony alone? You have more than enough proof. Your own heart should be singing in recognition. You may never understand, but there is something greater He calls you to-- He calls you to know Him. Do you believe Him?
I do. I really do. I may have to repeat it a thousand times, but I do believe. If I understand anything, it is only because He tells me.
That's all I can say. I'm exhausted. But I'm grateful for this grace. I know He can do what He says He can do. I know He will.
...but, beloved, knowing is still not believing. Do you believe He will do those good things for you?
...yes. deep down, yes. The brain loops doubts and fears, but... my soul knows. You have the wrong definition. To know is to believe.
Not--
Yes. I know He forgives me. I know He will heal me. He is too Good and Merciful not to. But I'M the obstacle. Not Him. I believe He is Life and Light and Resurrection, even for me. And I WANT Him to be. I NEED Him as my Life, my Light, my Hope of everything. Don't say I don't. I DO. I may be weak yet, like Thomas and Peter, but God knows I still want to die for Him. I still want to live for Him, in Him, with Him, for Him. And I believe He can make me into the kind of person who CAN.
I'm done. I'm too dissociated. God knows I need to eat. Forgive my blathering confusion. I hope this still can glorify You somehow. It's worthless if it doesn't.
Please, keep my faith safe in Your Heart. Preserve it until death when You call me home to You. I believe You. I do. Keep me ever deeper in that grace. That's all I have left to say. I love You. Amen.



"God sees the tears of the grief stricken and is moved with compassion. Jesus shows us that God sees our tears; God is touched by our tears; God remembers our tears; and God acts to dry our tears."
Growing up in a household where tears were mocked, shamed, and/or considered a manipulate ruse, these statements about God are shocking, almost controversial. I need to sit with them a while; I cannot truly accept them entirely at first read.
...
God sees my tears, and does not shame me. He does not scold me, or accuse me, or snap at me, or punish me. He sees my tears because He sees me. He cares about me. It isn't just a passing glance or accidental realization or even a bland statement of fact. He sees my tears with Eyes of God.
...


"[In Greek], the sense of was troubled is “‘And troubled Himself.’ The phrase is remarkable: He deliberately summoned up in Himself the feelings of indignation at the havoc wrought by the evil one, and of tenderness for the mourners.”
That voluntary choice, AND the chosen emotions, mean a lot to me. Christ was no slave to emotion-- He had no "Inside Out" control room in His Head, as it were. He was the sole Controller AND Creator of His emotions. In His humanity they did come to Him naturally, I am sure, but never without the permission of His Divinity. They were never random or unexpected or uncontrollable. And He chose to have tenderness for us in our grief. Do you realize, that means He cannot "get mad at us" in a huff? He cannot "lose His temper"? He cannot "get mood swings" or "have a bad mood." Everything is by His Holy Will, and for the glory of God. There is nothing to be afraid of. When He could have chosen to feel ANYTHING about us poor sinners, in the streets, at this tomb, on the Cross... He chose compassion. He chose mercy. He chose forgiveness. And yet He ALSO chose anger & just indignation at evil. That is what gives us the true fear of God. He CAN feel those emotions, but towards us penitents He chooses not to. It's almost too wonderful; it makes me shake a little. There is an awesome power even in His gentleness.


"Sometimes we are told that if we really believed that our friends would rise again, and that they are safe and happy even now, we could not weep. Why not? Jesus did. There cannot be any error in following where Jesus leads the way.”
Oh now THAT is EXACTLY MY PROBLEM. THIS is what we NEED to sit with for a WHILE.
"But why did Jesus weep?" our stupidly ignorant mind asks. Make a list, buddy, we've listed PLENTY of reasons. You're just refusing to remember them because YOU don't WANT to weep. You're like Joy was, before she understood the true depth of the human heart. You're all smiles & laughter but you cannot empathize; you cannot actually connect with others. WE NEED TO WEEP.
Do NOT forget Rev. James Vaughan's commentary up there. I've been thinking about it all day. THERE'S your reasons. Stop choosing to be blind & numb. Your smiles aren't fooling anyone.


"Jesus was fully capable of this miracle without the faith of Martha or Mary. But if they would not believe, then they would never see the glory of God. They could see the end result and be happy in that, but they would miss the glory of working together with God in the fulfillment of His plan."
...the very concept that faith is COOPERATION with God is AMAZING, but it actually is IN SCRIPTURE.
"Then they inquired, “What must we do to perform the works of God?” Jesus replied, “The work of God is this: to believe in the One He has sent.” John 6:28-29 (BSB).
Faith IS the work of God, just as Jesus's miracles are. So when we have faith IN Him TO work those miracles, as the Son of God... it's a mystery that is nevertheless apparent & undeniable.
Remember, too, Christ COULDN'T work miracles for those who DIDN'T have faith!!
Faith is really just... uniting our hearts to His, somehow. We do nothing but trust, and somehow, that draws us into the miracle itself. It's like God purposely gives us a way to be part of it, like a Father for his child. Even if the kid does nothing but excitedly watch their Father work, with total faith in His good results, that child is a part of the process. It's a truth I feel more than I can verbalize.
...


"Then they took away the stone from the place where the dead man was lying: This was a definite and remarkable step of faith. Jesus compelled Martha and Mary to act on their confession of faith and they did by obeying Jesus and His unusual request."
EVEN IF THEY DIDN'T UNDERSTAND THE REQUEST, THEY TRUSTED HIM. That's how faith shines. And yes, I struggle here a lot.
...I'm always so afraid I'm being tricked, that im not actually hearing THEIR voices.
BUT DUDE, LISTEN. THAT'S NOT WHERE YOUR FAITH HAS TO GO. REMEMBER SAINT FAUSTINA. YOUR FAITH NEEDS TO FOLLOW HID ACTUAL CONFIRMED WORD, IN SCRIPTURE AND THE CHURCH!!!! THAT IS WHERE YOUR FAITH WILL BE PROVED.
The gender issue is a perfect example. You DON'T understand. But you KNOW what He has said in the Magisterium. So will you obey? Do you trust Him?
Yes, I do. So I must constantly re-confess my faith through more surrendering obedience.
...


"Those who came to join in the sorrow of the grieving sisters did not expect that their reason for grief would be taken away."
THAT'S TRUE SYMPATHY!!!!!! Mourning "just to do what's expected" or worse "to be rewarded" is WRONG. When you share someone's sorrow, you do it BECAUSE YOU CARE. You don't seek to "fix them" and "save the day." You enter into their pain WITH THEM with COMPASSION AS YOUR ONLY MOTIVE & GOAL.


"The religious leaders had made such an idol of the temple that they were willing to kill Jesus to preserve it... It is telling that the religious leaders thought of the temple as our place, as if it belonged to them. Many church leaders today do the same, truly thinking of the church as our church instead of really understanding that it belongs to Jesus."
I fear we do this with the "temples" of our human bodies, too. We forget that He OWNS us as our Creator AND Redeemer. He built us AND bought us.
...


"Caiaphas thought logically but nor morally. It was logical that one man should die for the people, but it was not moral to reject the Messiah and seek the death of an innocent Man."
I paste this here because it's EXACTLY how the Splinters thought during the "hell years"-- notably the Scientist.


------‐--------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------------

0923

DAILY DEVOTIONALS =

"what really blows my mind is Jesus’ statement to Judas as he came accompanied by a mob of angry, misguided men. Jesus simply says, “Do what you came for, friend.” He calls Judas “friend.” I don’t believe that Jesus was using that term lightly. That’s a God of love. The Bible says in Romans that, while we were still his enemies, God reconciled us to himself through the death of his Son. The Message Bible puts it like this, “when we were at our worst, we were put on friendly terms with God by the sacrificial death of his Son.” Jesus calls us his friends, even while we continue to sin against him. He never closes that door of mercy & hope. Let’s see that as a call to praise him for a love that we’ll never fully comprehend.
How do I see my role in the narrative of reconciliation? Do I feel like I bring some element of righteousness to the deal that “helps” my case? Or, do I know that it’s all about a gracious God accepting a sinner as a friend? 
The Spirit nudges us to repent, the Father's love compels us to come broken before Him, the Son redeems us through his death on the Cross. Never ever take any of that for granted."
ACTUALLY, A BRIEF INTERJECTION OF VITAL WARNING=
"hetaíros – properly, a companion (normally an imposter), posing to be a comrade but in reality only has his own interests in mind."
"He asked, ‘How did you get in here without wedding clothes, friend?’ The man was speechless."
"But the owner of the estate replied to one of them, ‘Friend, I am doing you no injustice. Did you not agree with me for a denarius?"
"Jesus asked him, "Friend, why are you here?" Then the other men surged forward, took hold of Jesus, and arrested him."
Looking at the Greek, it IS a question? Not a statement?? THERE IS NO "DO" IN THE GREEK.
“Ἑταῖρε, ἐφ’ ὃ πάρει.” 
Raw translation says "COME, IF YOU WILL."
But "eph' ho parei" is literally preposition/ relative pronoun/ verb; "parei" means "to be present, to have arrived, to have come near."
Strong's says "I am present, am near; I have come, arrived, to be at hand" so there is potentially a personal aspect to it?? That's notable!!
The "ho" is essentially "who, which, what, that"? I know VERY LITTLE about grammar-- I was never really taught-- but apparently "A relative pronoun connects a noun or pronoun to a group of words that provide more information (known as a relative or adjective clause)"? So the ONLY thing that "ho" could be referring to is "FRIEND"? and connects "Ἑταῖρε" to "πάρει"??? But as a "statement"-- not a question-- it feels fragmented?
The key is the "ἐφ’". It means "on, upon, for, an account of"??? It's a tricky one. And I know nothing about grammar or Greek, haha. Nevertheless, there is still meaning here, against all odds.
"Friend" and "near/ present/ arrived" are clear.
Should I brainstorm?
Remembering how "friend=imposter" here, implied pointedly yet indirectly...
"Friend, upon what [pretense] are you here?"
"Friend, for whom have you come?"
"Friend, have you come close for this?"
OR a hidden meaning "you are a false friend, on which account you have come here"!!
I prefer the extended meaning of "parei," which isn't just an arrival, but a closeness, and not briefly either. Strong's says "to sit constantly beside." Considering now also the "I have done" aspect to the verb...
...nah, we're being stopped. We're thinking too much and hit burnout. We're relying too much on ourself. Time to stop.
...Holy Spirit gave me this, after a total break =
"For whom are you here?"
"For what are you here?"
"For THAT are you here?" "For THAT have you come close to me?"
Not angry, but convicting-- speaking with shock value to get through to JUDAS'S heart, and giving voice to the wounded human Heart of Christ, stabbed by this betrayal, despite His Divinity knowing.

THIS LEGIT TRANSLATION HITS THE HARDEST =
"Then Yeshua said to him, “Have you come to this, my friend?” Then they came and they laid their hands on Yeshua, and they took him." (ABiPE)

...You know what? The MOST disturbing thing about this is the PRIOR VERSE.
Judas greets Jesus, AND kisses Jesus, and BOTH the Greek words are notable.
The kiss is famously discussed, as the word is unique, and its only other references are to the PRODIGAL FATHER and to MARY MAGDALENE. Both cases indicate a repeated affectionate kissing, of one Who is very dear to them, for deeply personal reasons-- and in both cases, it is a SON who is kissed. The first, though, is a lost son, returned from sin... the second is the Son Who IS the Father, calling all lost sinners to BECOME His sons and daughters-- which is why Mary was kissing His feet to begin with. It's not an exact parallel and it is not meant to be; it just illuminates a common thread of symbolism, even if on different levels.
And then there's Judas. He is the sinful son, who is bringing the sin of the world onto THE Son, through Whom ALL can become forgiven prodigals... but Judas himself does not weep. He does not shed tears. THAT IS THE MISSING COMPARISON. His kisses play the part without the heart. He is not kissing in gratitude for mercy, or hope, or compassion.
...
As for his greeting... he says "". Which means REJOICE. That is INSANE.
...


"Being the beloved is not a private trip. Rather, it encourages us to acknowledge our joint belonging in the human family, reach out in real relationship toward our neighbor, and bring God’s blessing wherever we go. Mysteriously, it is as we see others as brothers and sisters, and affirm our common belovedness, that there grows within our hearts a fuller appreciation of just how much we are loved by God. John, the disciple whom Jesus loved, alludes to this mystery in his letter to the early Christ-followers: “Beloved . . . if we love one another, God lives in us, and His love is perfected in us” (1 John 4:11-12).
Christ, our ever-present Mentor, wants to teach us how to help others claim their belovedness. Pursue His footsteps from the beginning of His gospel ministry until its end. See Him bless the children. Watch Him listen to the Samaritan woman. Listen as He affirms His disciples. Watch Him feed the hungry. Notice Him befriend the rejected. Wherever He went, people knew they were valued. Today He requests that we relate to others as He would if He were in our place. He does not leave us to do this unaided. Should we intentionally obey his wishes, in dependence on His indwelling Spirit, we can count on Him showing us how to best bear the beams of His love toward those we meet."
...it somehow never occurred to me that those were all ways that He showed His Love to them. No wonder I'm so bad at relationships; I don't even grasp those between Christ and humanity!! I literally did not even consider that HIS ACTIONS were EXPRESSIONS OF HIS LOVE FOR THEM. The blessing, the listening, the affirming, the providing, the befriending... all of it, "people KNEW they were valued" because HE LOVED THEM.
...Why didn't I recognize it as love? Would I feel valued in those situations? I need to stop & imagine hard about this.


"to defend the pre-Reformation identification of "Mary" with the "Magdalene," and the Magdalene with the woman that was a sinner (cf. Luke 7:37 with Luke 8:2)..."
I honestly get so upset when she is robbed of her full history with Christ. I always wondered WHY it started to be denied.
Nevertheless, we need to stop being "controversial" and pointing fingers. That is unfair & unkind, conceited & pompous. It only hurts the truth. ALL parties involved here LOVE GOD and are sincerely striving to reveal the historical truth despite a lack of ready evidence. Stop condemning them because of your own biases. They very wisely discourage conceptions that "are specimens of ingenuity, but carry no conviction." You could learn a lot from them in your childish rashness.

To their absolute credit, I love this idea=
"If a woman who was a sinner had taken such a step, and this expression of her gratitude had been accepted by Jesus, Mary of Bethany found more ample reason for following her example."
Why do WE not see it as such more readily? Why doesn't that occur to us-- that we COULD do likewise?


Concerning the overanalysis of the text, seeking parallels & symbols, comparing & contrasting=
"Vehement efforts are made in this and other ways to undo the commanding significance of the miracle."
TAKE IT OR LEAVE IT.
If you refuse to accept the mystery as history, where is your faith?? Do you have so little trust in the Scriptures?


"The statement of needs, the simple voice of our weakness, the infant's cry, goes up to heaven. The bleat of the lost lamb is enough for the good Shepherd."
More amazing Divine Mercy & Love. I still find this hard to believe, being so used to people yelling at babies to shut up.


"Some say that Jesus waited for some especial communication from his Father, for some revelation of moral necessity and heavenly inspiration, like those which dictated all his other movements. It was a sacrifice to his calling, of His heart's most ardent desires, that He remained quietly two days in the same place. The silences of Scripture and the waitings of God are often without explanation. The event proves that deep purpose presided over them."
Again with sacrifice, in a stronger light-- Christ's ENTIRE LIFE WAS A SACRIFICE, NOT JUST THE TIME ON THE CROSS, BECAUSE EVERYTHING LED UP TO, AND WAS PERFECTED ON, THE CROSS!!! He COULDN'T have BEEN the ultimate Sacrifice in His Death if His LIFE hadn't been equally sacrificial. Life and death are never disjoined; a man's death blooms directly from his life. It is no separate phenomenon.


"The "let us go," etc., implies a lofty courage, a sense of coming crisis. Love conquers fear and peril for Himself and His followers. "Judaea" is mentioned rather than Bethany for the same reason. The "again" points forcibly back to the last visit, when He told both friends and foes that the good Shepherd would snatch his sheep from the jaws of death, even though He lay down His own life in the doing of it."
You do realize HE SEES YOU WITH THAT SAME LOVE?
Also WOW that "for Himself" hits hard. He knew there was danger, even if He knew God would protect Him. His humanity wasn't happy-go-lucky or foolhardy. But it also wasn't scared, BECAUSE IT RAN ON LOVE-- love for God AND for humankind.
...

"There are two kinds of night of which he speaks. One is the night which arrests all labor, the night of death; and the other is the night of ignorance and unbelief, when the light that is in a man becomes darkness, when, if a man does attempt to work or walk, he will stumble... He shuts himself off from the light of God-given opportunity, and carries no lamp in his soul."
This happened to us. We were fooled by false lights, and tried to walk by them, but they were poor substitutes for the Son. Yet we had been shut off from God's Truth for so long, we didn't even realize how dark it really was. It had become our "normal." I think false teachers-- antichrists-- specifically prey on such people.


"He said to his fellow-disciples (the word συμμαθητής is only used in this place, and shows that the body of the disciples were being more and more blended into a unity), Let us go, that we may die with him. Here he manifests a fervent love to his Master, tinged with a sorrowful, melancholy temperament. He saw the danger to his Lord, but at once, with the spirit of self-surrender, was ready to share his fate... these words reveal love, but they are the language of despair and vanished hope. This is the end of all-- death, not Messianic kingdom. Surely Thomas may have pondered much the Lord's words about his approaching death, and may have felt ready, along the same line, willingly to yield up his own life for his Master's, or with his Master."
THIS CLARIFIES that YES he had real love BUT IT WAS IMPERFECT solely because HE DIDN'T YET GRASP THAT CHRIST WAS GOD. That's where the despair crept in!! He despaired of SURVIVAL, and of SUCCESS, but that STILL DIDN'T STOP HIS DETERMINED LOVE. That fact by itself is admirable.
...
I also kept that bit about the Greek word for "fellow disciples" because it autotranslates to "classmates" and that has a depth of sweetness to it.

" Too much has been made of Thomas's skepticism and criticism. He was one who wanted visible, tangible evidence; but he was prepared to act impulsively, and to give powerful expression to his faith, whenever the evidence was granted. In John 14:5 he was still in the dark, but it was not an evil darkness. How could he know, with the clearness which his mind naturally desiderated, whither our Lord was going? No brainless or heartless unbelief led him to ask, "How can we know the way?" At last (John 20:24, etc.), when he wanted ocular, personal, tangible evidence of the resurrection of Jesus, and absented himself in deep melancholy from the company of the eleven, it is clear that his soul was READY for the full manifestation. Before he could have put his finger into the print of the nails, he exclaimed, with adoring gratitude, "MY LORD AND MY GOD!" His hesitation and his conviction, WITH his superlative ecstatic cry, form the culminating point of the Gospel."
Lynne & Jay discussing this on the drive home. "Virtue is only virtue in extremis." Thomas had no worldly hope, nothing earthly, he only had a determined love for Jesus; Jay said but that very love held the germ of divine hope?
...

...All right,  I don't know who's been typing these, but they've been cut off from the System all afternoon, and it's fueling addictive behavior depression.  I don't know why overly-religious speech does that without fail, but it does. It somehow defeats its own purpose--  It cuts itself off from both faith and love and just becomes a rambling fool. Platitudes & plastic smiles. Greeting card Scripture. There's no ability to hurt or weep or wonder. It's just self-satisfied babble. It needs to stop.

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0924


ODE devotionals = WRITE ABOUT LATER. Love of Christ AND offering up dryness??? Both monumental realizations.
Other two as well = sadistic glee makes sinner feel "good & special" in contrast; Peter tried to "follow Christ, but at a distance" to save skin, inevitably denied Christ when crisis hit = there is NO "middle ground" to discipleship

VOTD such a powerful verse. Very inspiring translations.
Great blessings belong to those whose thoughts are pure. They will be with God.
Mt. 5:8 ERV
“You’re blessed when you get your inside world—your mind and heart—put right. Then you can see God in the outside world.
Matthew 5:8 MSG
“Blessed [anticipating God’s presence, spiritually mature] are the pure in heart [those with integrity, moral courage, and godly character], for they will see God.
Mat 5:8 AMP
“What bliss you experience when your heart is full of innocence! For then your eyes will open to progressively see more and more of God.
Matthew 5:8 TPT (+notes)
“Da peopo dat go all out fo God inside, Dey can stay good inside Cuz dey goin see God.
Matthew 5:8 HPB
Honestly the Beatitudes are SO RICH.

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DAILY DEVOTIONALS =

⭐This is the last day that I'm going to be reading all of these. I've realized that THIS hyper-achiever stupidity of doing like six reading plans at once is just shredding my concentration and keeping me from getting any real benefit from any of them.
I am going to stop all of them but one, maybe two, so I can continue to focus on studying John's Gospel without distraction. 
(I actually Googled the identity one I wanted to stick with and apparently it's from a BOOK. So that makes things even easier)


"it’s only God who will fulfil those desires, and it’s only in the act of rejoicing in God that we will find our bitterness soothed. It’s not that delighting in God will bring us the stuff we want, but the one thing we need, which is more of God. And God’s treasures are often found in the greatest of poverty, negating the distortion that we will only be satisfied with more stuff or more acclaim."
Poverty of earthly things is such a fascinating blessing, because-- when met spiritually!-- it becomes a foundation for immense spiritual benefits, but inevitably with immense worldly suffering. It brings untouchable joy, but also great temporal miseries. It is ALWAYS BOTH, because of the fallen world it occurs in, and originates from, but that very fact ALSO makes it more glorious because God loves to lavish "countercultural" graces.
...

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DAILY READINGS AT MASS =
(from Universalis)

"God’s ways are utterly different from human thinking. In many ways it is comforting to think that God is not like ourselves. One reason why we cling to God is to be liberated from ourselves and to be brought into his marvellous light, living a life freed from the restrictions, frustrations and self-centeredness that surrounds and penetrates us. Obviously God does not have our faults of selfishness, laziness, malice, lust and greed. More than that, not being bodily or limited in any way, God does not plan or think like ourselves. God does not think things out, with ‘Yes’ and ‘No’, working in concepts or sentences. God does not laboriously plan what to do, weighing consequences, advantages and disadvantages! Even our love is always tinged with self-interest and concern for ourselves. God’s love is entirely generous and out-going, a limitless cascade of love, deluging and penetrating each of us."
And THAT is what makes HIM God, NOT US. That's also why I despise this "self-divinization" mindset so many "psychedelic seekers" and even "modern pagans" have. Most "unorganized religions," especially those critical of Christianity, have this preoccupation with "man becoming God," with some "collective cosmic consciousness" being the real "heaven" and similar things. That's what Jade always rambles on about.  But I don't believe it, and this commentary on Isaiah is why. WE ARE INHERENTLY HUMAN. WE DID NOT CREATE OURSELVES. WE ARE SUBJECT TO PHYSICAL DEATH AND INTELLECTUAL ERROR. WE DO NOT LOVE AS GOD LOVES. For Jade to laughingly chatter about all her "mystical wisdom" and "knowledge of mysteries" gained through drug trips & extended meditations, BUT to instantly snap into a grimdark homicidal fury if you accidentally misgender her-- let's just say I don't agree with her opinion that she is a space goddess temporarily incarnate & eventually rising up to become "the creative deity of a future generation of man." I dealt with enough of that in Salt Lake City, from BOTH the Mormons AND the New-Agers. It's not the whole truth. It's a funhouse mirror. It's a power trip of pride, framed in physics & shamanism & intellectual elitism, appealing to the "truth seekers" and kicking the common man into the dust. Yes, Jade IS homeless, and has a history of poverty & illicit substance use & similar depraved activities... and yet she still sees herself as literally superhuman. The worst part for me is that she seems to believe that, yes, EVERYONE can ideally reach this level of enlightenment... but they need to go through the gnostic inauguration first. Et cetera. Psychedelics and secret Egyptian texts and breath exercises and Naruto hand signs. At the risk of sounding bigoted, it all strikes me as, ultimately, pitiful & ridiculous.
Christ gives us a better way. His thoughts are not our thoughts.
...
WE NEED TO BE SAVED. I WANT EVERYONE TO BE SAVED.
JADE AND HER KINDRED DON'T BELIEVE IN SIN OR SALVATION.
THAT'S WHAT MAKES ME WANT TO WEEP IN INDIGNATION.
They're all heading down that gilded path to hell, solely because they think they already merit heaven-- better, that they can CREATE it OF THEMSELVES-- while still acting in a shamefully mortal manner.
...They've lost the actual criteria for divinity. They don't know Jesus, and so they DON'T know what it means to be divine, let alone WHO the only true Divinity IS.
...

"In the case of the weak sheep, it is to be feared that the temptation, when it comes, may break him. The sick person, however, is already ill by reason of some illicit desire or other, and this is keeping him from entering God’s path and submitting to Christ’s yoke. There are men who want to live a good life and have already decided to do so, but are not capable of bearing sufferings even though they are ready to do good. Now it is a part of the Christian’s strength not only to do good works but also to endure evil. Weak men are those who appear to be zealous in doing good works but are unwilling or unable to endure the sufferings that threaten. Lovers of the world, however, who are kept from good works by some evil desire, lie sick and listless, and it is this sickness that deprives them of any strength to accomplish good works."
...That's our current shame, our biggest one. In awful ironic contrast to our past-- or perhaps, in revealing the true vice beneath the facade-- we are, in our current era of life, TERRIBLY AFRAID of suffering??? Honestly, look at the "allergy panic" alone! Look at how afraid we are to leave the house! Look at how reticent we suddenly are to do prayer vigils and extra mortifications!
WE'VE BECOME A COWARD. AND I AM VERY ANGRY ABOUT IT.
...Still, that shocks me. It feels like that anger, and the cowardice, have the SAME ROOT-- PRIDE. It's anger at not being the bravest, toughest, strongest man in the room. It's cowardice at the possibility of falling short of that swaggering ideal, and so revealing our womanly ineptitude.
...

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BIBLE STUDY =

"He that believeth on me, though he die, yet shall he live. In these words he identifies the "life" with the transfiguration of the bodily life. The grand method of this blessed life is faith. The life which is the condition and ground of resurrection is the natural consequence of a faith which accepts Christ, and identifies itself with him. In such cases, so-called "death" is veritable "life." The life of faith will survive the shock of death, [for] faith is eternal life: death is only a momentary shadow upon a life which is far better. Whether the corruption of the grave passes over the believer or not, he lives an eternal life, which has no element of death nor proclivity to death in it. So far the Lord is lifting Martha to a higher experience of life and a comparative in difference to death."
Would you believe I honestly had NO IDEA WHAT "ETERNAL LIFE" ACTUALLY WAS until I started studying John's Gospel, and especially this very chapter? This is NEW for me. I'm technically a "cradle Catholic" and NO ONE EVER TAUGHT ME THIS. So I actually feel giddy and scared all at once, like a child, discovering this astoundingly hope-filled truth for the first time.
So that's why I'm posting all of this stuff. Its not just "interesting information"; it's not just "essential doctrine"; it's literally CHANGING MY WHOLE LIFE, RIGHT NOW. It isn't theory; It's not learning about how lungs work-- It's the ACTUAL BREATHING. You get the picture.

""Believest thou that the Resurrection-- which I am and which I give-- can thus transform for thee the whole meaning of death?" The fullness of life after death is assured in virtue of the resurrection which Christ could effect at any moment, and will eventually effect for all. This life of which Christ speaks may be the life which is the consequence of the resurrection of man effected in the Incarnation, or this life may be the condition of "resurrection" and sufficient proof that, if a man receive the resurrection by faith, he is free from all the curse of physical death, and assured of a perfect victory over it... the "never die" may refer to spiritual death, overlooking physical death altogether."
I'm mulling over that distinction because, REGARDLESS of faith in Christ, ALL OF HUMANITY WILL EVENTUALLY BE RESURRECTED in the Last Judgment! HOWEVER!!! Not all of those resurrected to life will have ETERNAL life-- ONLY those who have been UNITED WITH CHRIST by faith
...
What shocks my mind is the SPIRITUAL DISTINCTION of life & death, since "death" is ONLY THE RESULT OF SIN and DOESN'T ACTUALLY EXIST IN TRUTH.
...
DEATH IS THE "CESSATION OF LIFE " but GOD IS LIFE and He is Neverending-- He is ETERNAL. So the ONLY way to "die" spiritually is to be CUT OFF FROM GOD. And that is hell. BUT YOU'RE NOT "DEAD" THERE in the way a body dies!! You're CONSCIOUS. You're just DEAD IN SPIRIT. And that is REAL "DEATH."
There is no escape to the "peace of death" in a spiritual sense. That very phrase is illusory if it refers to anything but Heaven. Death is not "oblivion."
...


""Wailing" is often the regulated expression of professional grief; "weeping" the irresistible burst of personal sorrow. The first may be violent and obtrusive, the other silent and pathetic... the contrast between hypocritical or professional tears and genuine emotion, between profound affliction and simulated grief."
THIS EXPLAINS OUR KNEEJERK AVERSION TO TEARS!!!
Growing up, NO ONE WEPT. In our house, there was ONLY WAILING. It was theatrical, excessive, and deeply disturbing.
...I think I've only EVER seen our mother weep ONCE. It was so shockingly incongruous for her, it shook me to the bone. It was recent, too-- within the past two years. I remember she was sitting at the kitchen table at the homestead. She had been talking to us, honestly, about her fears of the future, her stressful job, and-- especially-- the horrible loneliness of her impending orphanhood. And she actually wept. She covered her face and cried. She looked so much like a helpless child. It broke our heart.
Deep down, that instant completely changed how we saw her from then on. We suddenly grasped the full weight of her mortality & humanity. We grew up a lot in that moment.
...

"Martha's language is another singular illustration of the desire on her part to give a certain kind of advice and direction to our Lord, as though he might be the wiser and better for her monitions.
Ouch. We do this. Its a weird fear that He will otherwise do something painful, frightening, humiliating, troublesome, etc. "But Lord, please consider..." Do you think He hasn't?

"She puts one more arrest, as it would seem, upon the free act and love of Jesus."
...this one hurts even more.
I need to sit with this one.
How was her protest an arrest? Was it simply because it implied that she feared He didn't consider the stench and would be so offended, it would injure His fond view of them, or dampen His love for them?
Did she not believe that He would be willing to even look upon Lazarus in his corrupt state, let alone resurrect him? Was she trying to spare Him the horror? Was she trying to protect the reputations of both Jesus and Lazarus, by warning them of the hidden death-cloud that would scandalize such an atmosphere of tender friendship and grief?
I'm obviously speaking for myself here, with all ashamed sincerity. If I pause, and put myself in her position directly, the outburst is entirely from shame. I'm ashamed OF the offensive odor reaching our Lord’s pure senses, and of it even being associated with my dead sibling. I want to deny the reality of the death, in a sense. I don't want to face the horrors of it, the continuing effects that I cannot reverse and do not want in my awareness, let alone my memory.
...
"It is Martha's sisterly love getting the better of her submission to her Master's order."
This is another take, for me at least. Both are legit, but this is a needed chastisement because I CANNOT be so consistently self-centered with my interpretations.
...OR, Is it because I have so little actual sympathy, that I WILL NOT see my loved ones as "sick," let alone "in the tomb?" I'm not even AT this point with Martha, except with myself. I'm the only one who I see as dead & putrefied. Everyone else... I insist they're in perfect health. I'm too scared to even consider otherwise.
Is that a sin? I fear it is. In trying to avoid "being judgmental" or "offending others" or "forcing my beliefs on people", am I also avoiding genuine concern for the health of their souls? But I have no right to judge. Nevertheless, I have Scripture. I can hold IT up as warning, and instruction, and hope, right? I can keep my disgusting self out of it.
...
I don't think I've cared up to this point, because I didn't care about myself. I saw myself as four days dead, beyond all hope, putrid. So how could d I even conceptualize hope for anyone else?
Geez i didn't even know what my OWN RELIGION TAUGHT until like 2020. I didn't even understand what ETERNAL LIFE even WAS until THIS MONTH!!!!
Until now, what else could I say at the tomb? I couldn't stop seeing my own corpse long enough to think of others.
...


"The characterization of her as "the sister of the dead" man is not needed for identification, but rather to explain or justify her intrusion upon the solemn, stately direction of the Lord. She shrank from such an exposure of the body of her beloved brother, as an unnecessary act, since he was only to rise at the last day, or to be regarded by his faith in Christ before his death as having already passed from death and through death into a new life. She must have relinquished at that moment all hope of resurrection of the body of Lazarus there and then: ἤδη ὄζει, "he already stinketh.""
I read this and immediately thought, "isn't that how we treat the condition of our own afflicted soul?" We try to paint over our despair with clichéd hopes: "oh, in the end God will make everything work out somehow!" Or "the pain will stop when I get to heaven, right?' But no. I can't be vague with this.
We fear the exposure of our body as a rotting corpse. Yeah, we have heard Christ promise a resurrection, and we believe it-- but it's a cold belief, sometimes, off in the distant future. How long do we have to stink until then?
...
"Lazarus was a type also of one dead in trespasses and sins-- one whose habits of trespass and bondage to evil seem to forbid all renewal."
We're not in CNC or SLC anymore. We're not in UPMC anymore. We're not fighting hackers anymore. We're in a better mindset than we've EVER been before, in our ENTIRE LIFE.
So WHY do we STILL feel like we're in the tomb? Did we ever take off the bandages?


" "Jesus lifted up his eyes," i.e. to heaven - to that sublime symbol of the infinite activity of God, which surrounds us day and night, and which is in numerous religious systems made a type and image of the Divine Being himself; nor does our modern conception of the universe dethrone it from this high place."
Oh my gosh I never realized that. The "heavens" ISN'T just the blue sky & clouds. It's freakin' OUTER SPACE.
The more we learn about space, the more awestruck we are by the infinite creativity of God. It's actually existentially terrifying to see at times, haha. Everything is MACROCOSMIC. It dwarfs everything we can readily comprehend, in not only size & distance, but also TIME.
...
When Jesus lifted up His eyes to pray, He was SPECIFICALLY looking up into literally MILLIONS OF GALAXIES and BILLIONS OF YEARS stretching on for measures without measure-- and the God, the ONLY GOD, Who created ALL of it by a Word, was HIS FATHER... and JESUS HIMSELF WAS THAT WORD.
That's stunning. Glimpsing THAT as He worked this miracle... what a testimony to His love of humankind!!! What is mortal man, that You should care for him? What are we frail specks amidst infinite skies, that You should love us enough to defeat death for us? Even the stars die, but... You call US to eternal life, with You, the Word that calls Life out of the grave. What a thought. What a reality.
...


"But surely there is some reason for the thanksgiving. The stone is lifted, or removed; there lies the corpse, but no dank sepulchral vapor issues from it; rather some sign is given that prayer offered by Christ had been already heard, and that death has not made the havoc with the frame which would otherwise have occurred."
WHAT??? WHAT SERIOUSLY??? HOW DID I MISS THAT???
I... does this mean that, in Christ, we are... we're better than Schrodinger's cat, dude, we're dead but we're alive. Its EXACTLY WHAT HE SAID. "The person who believes in me, even though he dies, will live." IT'S NOT A DISTANT FUTURE. It's literally RIGHT NOW; Life is ALWAYS in the PRESENT. If we feel dead in sin, hopeless, gone too far, BUT CHRIST HAS PRAYED FOR US, then already, already... if we have faith in Him Who intercedes for us, Who embraces ALL of time and space, then... "you will not let your beloved know decay." Somehow, I BELIEVE, the worst will not, CANNOT, happen. "Father, I thank You that You have heard Me." THE PRAYER OF CHRIST IS ALWAYS HEARD. Death is defeated EVEN IN THE TOMB. The Resurrection was never a "maybe." Christ is VICTORIOUS from the BEGINNING OF ETERNITY. And once we unite our poor hearts to His, HE BECOMES OUR VICTORY TOO.
Sorry. I'm becoming incoherent. That just... slammed into me.
This whole time, this entire life... it has NEVER been as bad as I feared. Ever. Even on the worst nights, when I swore death was about to devour me... Christ was praying for me. FROM THE CROSS. He knew I was in the tomb, but although He tarried, He had already prayed for me. He already DETERMINED to raise me-- AFTER FOUR DAYS DEAD. BUT those four days DIDN'T DESTROY ME as everyone assumed. We all braced for the stench, avoiding the grave. But Christ had no such hesitation, no such fear. He knew what God willed to do here. He KNEW His POWER of unstoppable LIFE. And there was no stench of death.
Maybe there was, before Christ appeared on scene. That's entirely reasonable to suggest. But it only glorifies Him all the more. It shows that even a moldering corpse was not beyond His Compassionate care. That corpse belonged to a soul that HAD FAITH..  and so it already lived, in Him. He WAS Life. There had ALWAYS been hope.
I'm burned out. No more typing. Just feel this more. Let it sink in. Words fail me.


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0925

YOUVERSION DAILIES=

"Blessed are the peaceMAKERS." You ENTER the fray TO defuse the bombs!! ACTIVE, NOT PASSIVE.
Also NO JUDGING OTHERS. Gutting conviction.
"How can you be a peacemaker? I can let go of a judgmental attitude toward people I don't fully understand. I can let go of bitterness, and show forgiveness to someone. I can focus on what brings people together instead of what pulls us apart."
...we fail miserably at ALL OF THAT.
WHICH MEANS WE CANNOT RIGHTLY BE CALLED A CHILD OF GOD.
THAT IS UTTERLY TERRIFYING.
Work on this NOW. Laser focus on it. PRIORITIZE this in prayer & action & thought.
Here, take this entire devotional =
"One look at the world around us and it’s clear: peace isn't going to make itself. Nations are warring and people are fighting and arguing. You may even have some personal relationships filled with bitterness and contempt. Thankfully, we can lean into Jesus’ wisdom in the seventh beatitude:
“Blessed are the peacemakers, for they will be called children of God.” Matthew 5:9 NIV
Let's be clear: peacemaking is different from peacekeeping. In fact, Jesus assured us that as long as we're on this earth, we will face trouble. There will be chaos, division, misunderstandings, and a need for making peace. And that is why peacemaking requires action. It compels us out of our comfortable bubbles. But for those who are willing to step into the tender space of making peace, here are some thoughts to help you lead the way:
Peacemakers lead the way with humility. None of us are perfect and we all need grace. None of us are God, but we all need Him. Leading with a posture of humility is key.
Peacemakers lead the way with empathy. Even when we disagree with someone, respectfully listening and seeking to understand their perspective is essential for making peace.
Peacemakers lead the way with truth and grace. Any time Jesus interacted with people, He did so with both truth and grace. We must have both to accurately represent Him.
Peacemakers lead the way to the feet of Jesus. Apart from Him, we can do nothing. Apart from Him, we are nothing. When we realize our mutual brokenness, as well as our mutual need for Christ, everything can change.
Seeking to be a mediator for those in disagreement doesn't mean that every problem will be solved— immediately or ever. But when we invite God into those spaces and commit to the hard work of peacemaking, God can do more than we can imagine."
Remember-- our model for peacemaking is JESUS-- Who made peace between heaven & earth THROUGH THE BLOOD OF THE CROSS!!!!! (Colossians 1:20) THAT'S WHAT GOD MEANS BY TRUE PEACEMAKING-- IT IS COMPASSIONATE & SACRIFICIAL TO THE UTMOST, FOR SHEER LOVE OF THE PARTIES INVOLVED.
⭐EPHESIANS 2:14 too!


Specific conflicts i need to make peace in, by God's grace =
With mom, as we said today
With Jade
With FEMININITY as a concept
With WOMEN as a reality
With "new age" people
(Add more. Be brutally honest)


Kid's devotional = Jonah 1:17 and God PROVIDING the whale??? "God ARRANGED FOR the fish to swallow Jonah."
Key phrasing!! IT WASN'T RANDOM.
"Sometimes God's plan comes in unexpected ways and that unexpected times. But we serve a good God, so we can trust that whatever His plan is, it's a good one, no matter how crazy it seems."
DUDE I LOVE THAT.

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BIBLE STUDY =

"Christ denounced ritualism, literalism, and [human] tradition, and laid emphasis on moral law... he cleansed the temple of the priestly bazaar, and he rebuked the secular conceptions of Messianic glory."
I feel I'm still guilty of that first part. My religious practice admittedly has WAY too much whiteknuckled grip on ritual, thanks OCD, and I do still get very "literal" paranoia about "good & bad," even "clean & unclean" at its worst.
Same with family tradition? I think. It's so close to ritual. But it becomes obligatory, out of moral fear, and misses the deeper motivation in the process.
...


"This is the very climax of their perversity. They have resolved on the death-penalty. The sentence has been recorded against the Holiest. Priesthood and prophecy have pronounced their final verdict. They have extinguished themselves."
There's so much OBSTINATE HATRED here it's disturbing.
That last line is what scared me most. God didn't "do anything" apparently catastrophic to destroy them. Their OWN FREE CHOICE to act against God effectively put them in hell ALREADY. It's the EXACT OPPOSITE OF LAZARUS. He died physically, but lived spiritually, because He had faith in Christ. These religious elites refused faith in Christ, and so although they were alive physically-- and were going to dastardly lengths TO stay alive-- they were rotting corpse spiritually. They were already dead inside, having RESOLVED to stand against God, having RECORDED the decision. They snuffed out what little light they had, by their own hands-- they extinguished themselves. God didn't "kill them,"  THEY DID IT THEMSELVES. This is an awful warning for today's society too. The death that results from our OWN refusal or resistance to God is scarier than any physical death He can bring upon us. God doesn't kill the soul. He cannot kill life: He IS Life. But WE CAN REJECT IT BY REJECTING HIM. People need to realize the eternally fatal consequences of their blasphemous choices.
...
AND YET..
"Nevertheless, that which proved the occasion of their malice became a further proof of his Divine goodness and superhuman claims."
God is still Good-- ALWAYS and in ALL CIRCUMSTANCES and AGAINST ALL ODDS.
...


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POST THESE SEPARATELY AND STOP SCATTERING YOUR FOCUS LIKE THIS. THIS IS THE SAME COMPULSION AS TUMBLR & SCREENCAP HOARDING. YOU'RE NOT MAKING ANY REAL PROGRESS. YOU'RE JUST RUSHING THROUGH & CHECKING BOXES. IT'S INTELLECTUAL PRIDE CHOKED BY FEAR OF FALLING BEHIND. GIVE IT UP ALREADY. SIMPLIFY. STOP TRYING TO BE A SUPERMAN. IT'S ONLY PULLING YOU AWAY FROM THAT QUIET SERENE CENTER OF FOCUS WHERE YOU CAN HEAR GOD. ALL YOU'RE DOING WITH THIS HYPERPOSTING IS MAKING NOISE. STOP.

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"As members of the Body of Christ, most of us treasure our community of friends. We are tribal people, after all. God made us this way. Very few of us are called to be hermits, living in solitude and praying alone in a small cell every day. But even Carthusian monks who elect this eremitic life gather regularly for a long three- or four-hour walk (their spatiamentum), during which they can speak freely with one another and strengthen their fraternal bonds of friendship. They also have times of communal prayer, where they join their hearts, minds, and voices to praise God in worship before they return in silence to their solitary lives. To remove community from individuals can be devastating..."
TELL THAT TO THE HYPERRELIGIOUS FONI WHO KEEP TRYING TO KILL US, PLEASE!!!!!
...

"A core principle of Catholic social teaching is the principle of solidarity, and the Church presents Jesus of Nazareth as the “unsurpassed apex” of this principle. He is “one with humanity even to the point of ‘death on a cross,’” and he “takes on the infirmities of his people, walks with them, saves them and makes them one.” (Compendium of the Social Doctrine of the Church, 196). There should be no loneliness in the Body of Christ, no “feeling of vague compassion or shallow distress at the misfortunes of so many people, both near and far. On the contrary, [there should be] a firm and persevering determination to commit oneself to the common good. That is to say to the good of all and of each individual, because we are all really responsible for all.” Those are the words of St. John Paul II in his encyclical Sollicitudo Rei Socialis (38), in which he encourages us to take responsibility for the integral development of all people.
Yes, we are all really responsible for all. The strong for the weak, and the weak for the strong; the rich for the poor, and the poor for the rich; those strong in mind and body for those who are impaired and vice versa. That is the model for a community that understands the responsibilities that Jesus has given us in his Church. We all know this intellectually. Living it is a challenge."
THAT'S HOW OUR SYSTEM HAS TO LIVE, TOO.


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(CLICK FOR PART THREE)