UPMC: FAMILY EATING DISORDERS

[prismaticbleed]

HOW FAMILY MEMBERS REACT TO MY EATING:

Apparently LOTS of gossip & secret whispering; no one TALKS to me about it.

Mom blames herself, & tries to:
- Pretend it's not happening
- Cure it herself or wish it away
- Control what &/or how much I eat
- "Threaten" me to stop

Dad things it's ridiculous & immature, and:
- Tells me to "man up" and get over it
- "Threatens" me to stop, gives me the cold shoulder


I FEEL:

Weak, rejected, hurt, angry, inherently broken, dirty, subhuman, ashamed, undeserving of compassion or mercy, disgraceful; I loathe myself, give in to despair, hate myself when I can't "just get better"



FAMILY BEHAVIORS THAT INFLUENCE MY EATING:

★ Historically, our childhood "family meals" were framed by obsessive/ stressful/ forced prep & cleanup; rigidly timed; & often punctuated/ broken up by arguments. Typically people stormed away, left early, etc. Dour moods. NO "happy" memories.


MOM

CONSTANTLY says she "hates her body/ appearance"; constantly talks about trying to lose weight via restrictive eating & compulsive exercise; openly ridicules/ mocks "heavy" people AND herself; used to ridicule/ poke fun at me when younger by saying things like "you have a bubble butt," "you better stop eating or you'll look like grandma," etc; BUT ALSO made comments like "I wish I was as skinny as you; I'm fat & ugly" and "Give me some diet tips/ advice on how to lose weight", and would always ask me to work out with her FOR weight loss. Always showing off/ displaying old modeling photos of herself (she was SUPER THIN) & refusing to throw out her high school/ college outfits, bragging at how tiny they were, AND saying "one day I WILL lose enough weight to fit in these again." ALSO would make ME dress up in them, BOTH praising my thinness AND subtly critiquing the ways I failed to measure up to that ideal-- my wider hips, pudgier stomach, etc. It was both humiliating & damaging to my sense of individuality & worth. To this day she openly obsesses over "healthy food" vs "garbage food"-- fixating on calories, fat, sugars, carbs, & processing. If she eats a "forbidden" food she laughs, says her "diet is ruined"/ "why even bother trying"/ "I have no willpower" etc., claims it will "go straight to her belly/ butt/ hips", and concludes "I'll have to skip meals tomorrow/ exercise even more to lose that FAT." NEVER happy with body. ALWAYS comparing her shape to others & wistfully/ resentfully clinging to "ideal" of PRE-ADULTHOOD.

DAD

Rarely saw him eat, BUT never saw disordered behavior. Never complained, not picky, casual/ normal diet. Great cook. Aware of own hunger & fullness cues; respects them! Portion control is apt; he never overcooks; unafraid to make/ use leftovers. No body image complaints, ever. I DEFINITELY need to visit him & share meals more often; ONLY TROUBLE is that he is totally intolerant OF disordered behavior & openly condemns it, calling it "stupid" & "insane". Deeply shamed me. It does motivate me thought, because I feel that way about it too. Still, the lack of patience/ compassion is disturbing.

GRANDMA

OCD "control"/ perfection obsessions. "Ate like a bird"; "I'm not hungry"; tiny portions, tiny bites, eating seen as a chore? "The thought/ smell of food makes me want to throw up"; VERY CRITICAL of manners/ propriety!! Manners must be METICULOUSLY CLEAN. Any burps/ drips/ drool/ crumbs/ spills/ slips/ runny noses/ etc. were absolutely demonized as "disgusting" AND "you should be ashamed"/ "Don't you feel disgusting?" Often called us "pigs"; "you eat like a wild animal"; "babies aren't even as messy as you"; etc. OFTEN spoke "to an audience" in this way-- "Ugh! LOOK at how piggish she is!" shaming. STRONGLY SUSPECT that she said things like "GOOD GIRLS DON'T ACT/ BEHAVE LIKE THAT"; implying "LIKE YOU." My "filthiness" MADE ME BAD. Also made me INHUMAN; by her rules, "people" were neat, clean, prim & poised, eating tiny bits with tiny bites, chewing thoroughly & never rushing, etc. Hunger was mocked & scorned; always told to wait; "be grateful you even HAVE food." Tied into "NEVER eat too much." Fear of rations/ scarcity? Yet NO "taste for it," for the most part-- even if she DID like a food, she would rarely eat the whole thing... she only started to 'ASK FOR MORE" when she was starving from cancer. We'd all be so shocked, yet grateful, that she WAS eating.

GRANDPA

Overate, "licked up every crumb"; "ravenous." Junk food hoarding/ hiding; bought/ ate secretly. ANGRY when eating was interrupted, OR he couldn't eat the specific thing he wanted; avoidant eating habits formed easily & hard-- one bad experience & he'd REJECT that food for YEARS. VERY messy eater, ALWAYS "wanted more." Stockpiled/ hoarded food to excess; bought things he didn't even need. Food typically spoiled, rotted, or went stale-- BUT HE WOULD STILL EAT IT! Sometimes he'd even INSIST on it, REFUSING to "throw out food" until it was literally inedible (i.e. ALL mold, turned to mush). Even then he'd make excuses; he'd pick off mold, pick out bugs, wipe off slime, etc. AND EAT IT ANYWAY. Often ONLY bought old/ stale food "because it was cheaper" AND "he didn't want to see it thrown away." Would lick wrappers & lids & packets to get every last bit; he would even pick things OUT of the garbage, if he saw someone toss a food "that was still edible/ unfinished." Food as security/ comfort?

ASTRA

WON'T try new foods because she's "afraid she might go into anaphylaxis"; BUT NO ALLERGIES?? PANIC DISORDER/ rage issues? Depression/ dysphoria restriction. Only ate snack food; wouldn't touch a vegetable. Originally would not feed self; relied on snacks left on her desk. Now goes for hours, maybe days, without eating? Losing weight fast. As a child she was teased "what a chubby baby!" and ridiculed "then why isn't she jolly?" basically. Stereotypical. Mom said she'd "grow up to be big & hefty/ brawny" with a "baritone voice." Considering she's MTF, no wonder she's restricting. ANXIETY VOMITS, making eating feel "useless" & distressing.

DIAMOND

Nutrition obsession; medical focus. Keto diet; HYPERAVOIDANT. Three foods!! Always been a picky eater, outright refusing to eat things that even TOUCHED certain foods. Many texture aversions. Childhood "demanding" portions before anyone else-- WOULDN'T eat it once someone else touched it!! If he saw grandma touch or taste a food while preparing it, he likewise would refuse to eat it. Always buying new supplements & diet books. Will NOT eat around others. OVEREXERCISES!! "Body builder" rigid routine.

JADE

Hyperlimited "new age" diet, certain foods "poison" &/or "killing my mind/ soul". Only raw &/or "superfoods"? Restrictive & avoidant. SUPER MESSY-- never cleaned mess OR washed plates/ utensils. Ate more powders/ pills/ bars than whole foods. CHILDHOOD STEROID WEIGHT GAIN; "hated" that "self"? Rejected past.

★ ALL siblings typically wouldn't eat ALL DAY unless someone else MADE them a plate & brought it TO them-- even then they would refuse to eat anything "mushy/ discolored/ mixed wrong/ crumbled or broken." Would let food sit & ROT on their desks rather than eat it OR touch it to throw away.

ME

Anorexic bulimic since age 14, if not earlier. The ONLY person who vomits on purpose, OR binges. Ashamed. Developed BOTH as a broken coping mechanism for trauma & severe emotional distress. Moral views about food/ eating; OCD compulsions, obsessive & excess exercise, avoided most foods out of choking "fear of poisoning / fatal allergy"