things you are going to tell the therapist

[prismaticbleed]

(apologies for the brutality but this is what was left on the desktop, as-is, and we don't want to stand in the way of these people right now, they seem to have a very big important reason for being around currently, even if it's got sharp red edges)

 

Things you are going to tell the therapist:

 

Destroying every food item in the house and then being enough of a bitch to look for it later, because you're "hungry," except you're NOT and the thought of consuming food makes you scared and nauseous and makes ME livid and fcking angry, therefore we just destroy it again.

Whoever the FCK is such a harlot in this body. WHoever the FCK keeps listening to these goddamned "spiritual" shitheads who say "sex is good! sex can be used for good!" FCK YOU AND BURN IN HELL. I WILL FCKING MURDER YOU IF YOU TRY TO TOUCH THIS BODY AGAIN, YOU SHITHEADS. I FCKING HATE YOU AND I WILL K*LL YOU.

On that note. There is one girl and one boy who let whoever-the-fck do whatever the hell they want to them, sexually. It's filthy but so are they obviously. There are lots of damaged kids who LET people use and abuse them, WHY THE FCK DOES THAT HAPPEN, WHO THE FCK IS ABUSING CHILDREN, no wonder the Retributors are pissed. WHY DON’T THEY CARE ANYMORE?? They say they do care, they're just being blocked by numbness. By the damn socials who want to be "NORMAL" and "HEALTHY" but FCK NORMALCY AND HEALTH IF IT MEANS THIS. FCK YOU TO HELL.

Women. Adult women. We HATE THEM. At least I do. Because they are overt, forceful, disgustingly in-your-face inflictions of sexual conduct. I hate them and I want them to die because they all have those PARTS and I want to CUT THEM OFF AND BURN THEM ALL but I don't want to touch them.

Men have evil parts too but I've never met one. As long as we never meet one, we'll be okay. The instant we meet a man with parts, I will kill them too. I think the boy in SLC got close. I'm not sure. There was a harlot fronting at that time, one of the "happy" fckers who sees everything as "a-okay" which is FCKING STUPID. Because even if THEY were "a-okay" with the shit they let happen to them, OTHER PEOPLE WEREN'T. But I don't care about that shit. I care about ME. AND I WOULD HAVE KILLED HIM IF HE TRIED THIS SHIT.

the girls. The girl. Did she do anything? The feeling around her is weird. It's too "inert" to register as a threat. Like we didn't understand she was a female. It never registered. I think one person did and was afraid of her. But we don't know. The brain shuts off and goes into blank-smile programming mode.

Whenever someone touches us or looks at us or does anything like that, we dissociate entirely. The vision shuts off, the face smiles, we freeze up, and all bodily sensations are detached. And guess what? SOMEONE LABELS THAT AS "POSITIVE." Because "oh, but that can happen and I won't mind!" SURE YOU DON'T MIND, YOU'RE NOT FEELING SHIT, YOU'RE NOT EVEN THERE!!! BUT OTHER PEOPLE ARE. OTHER PEOPLE ARE.

I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO FEEL EMPATHY I'M NOT SUPPOSED TO CARE ABOUT YOU I'M SUPPOSED TO KILL THE SEXUAL DEVIANTS AND THAT'S IT

But the "sexual deviants" are causing this pain and suffering. You feel the agony and fear the body is in now, from that close call? We barely survived. Thanks to you, we are safe. Thanks to you, and your vicious hatred and anger. Stay angry. Some in our system would call you "evil" for your murderous intent and merciless demeanor. You refuse to change your mind. Stay that way. Hate the things that would use us so brutally. Kill them, if you want. Hunt them to the ends of the earth and tear them to shreds. But don't soften up. Don't fcking let anyone tell you that you have to "learn to be okay with" abuse and sexual infliction. Don't EVER bleach yourself out to the point where you are willing to endure anything someone forces upon you. Kill them. Rise up and tear out their throats instead.

the body is scared and sick what happened to it? why is it so shaky and sad what happened

See, THIS shit is what they were supposed to heal on Saturday. All of this was supposed to stop.

Oh yeah? And what would take its place, miss? Apathy? The status quo? You DO realize the reason we still exist and are still pissed off is because these things are STILL happening to us.

We don't want to admit it. We want to say, "they're not happening," because we are convinced that 1. they are only happening because we exist, and 2. that if we say they are not happening, it will negate their existence in the past and present and future.

Denial won't get you anywhere, god damn it. I would know. I know better than anyone, okay? Deny this shit all you want. Paint it with the brightest colors you can find. Smile and tell yourself, "there's a reason for this," "there's a good reason for this," bullshit. It's bullshit. There is none. These rose-colored glasses, this fcking misplaced hope, is going to kill me and everybody else up here. There's no fcking reason for this to be happening and you're right. I've been being strung along by the damn programming up here same as everyone else caught in the Plague. I've lost my identity, just like they wanted. I lost my anchor. I became complacent and allowing and calm and uncaring just like they fcking wanted and it is KILLING me and it is KILLING OTHER PEOPLE. This is fcking BULLSHIT. I need to get in here, stand my ground no matter what they throw at me, and really look at this. I exist. I exist, god damn it, and you are lying to me, and everyone else, and in my heart I KNOW that no matter how numbed-out I am on the surface right now. Fuck you. All you fcking plague-spreaders and tar-infested jackasses. Leave me the fck alone, leave EVERYONE the fck alone, and get the hell out of this System.


Whoever you are, person yelling about this shit, teach me how to fight again. For what it's worth I figured I'd ask. You're eating my old anchor, you know. Throw some of that rage my way. I need it.


I'm so tired. I'm so damn tired. What is this file even about.

 

 

if I want to listen to music is that called ignorign the problem or no


there's lots of work to be done but I'm so tired I don’t want to read about this stupid mythology anymore it feels to tangled and its making me feel dull and unpolished inside like I'm not allowed to see imagination anymore I have to follow this old script, I don’t even want this anymore, it doesn’t feel right

do what youre told, do what you're told, listen to the voices, follow the signs, etc etc.


what if I'm tired. what if I'm tired of following orders every minute of every day. I know that makes me disobedient and I am terrified of it but I am scared, I am so scared, and I am so tired, I can't live a life without somebody watching and telling me what to do.


what is free will if you can only use it to obey the constant orders, or disobey and be punished?

is the question the fact that the "ego" aka the "human consciousness" is "evil" and therefore must be crushed? then why the hell were we given one, I hope I'm not one, I hope I'm a soul beyond this, I'm sorry if I'm scared, I'm scared that you're going to tell me I don't exist and deserve to die



my head hurts and I'm scared



I want to cry but I can't because the crying is harrowing dread and shaking fear, we can't cry because we'd have a meltdown and we're not allowed to in this GODDAMNED HOUSE WITH THESE PEOPLE WHO SAY EMOTIONS ARE EVIL AND MAKE ME FEEL LIKE A FCKING SLUT EVERY TIME I'M "VULNERABLE" GOD DAMN YOU FOR MAKING THAT SEXUAL FCK YOU FCKING SLUTS

 

(unfinished)