prismaticbleed | UPMC journal 101122 (Reply)

I'm being re-tested for COVID so I'm temporarily quarantined in my room. Sitting at this desk in total silence & stillness, unable to open the door or leave, initially triggered the SAME "trapped panic" that my apartment has been also-- panic so keen & intense & immediate that, with no coping skills to utilize, drove me to resort to the eating disorder for "relief," But all I was doing was RUNNING & HIDING, burying the fear until it exploded out again during the next silent still moment. (btw, forcing myself to start praying IS KEY! so PERSEVERE!!! once I get going, the peace is PROFOUND; my heart truly re-centers & life feels HOPEFUL & REAL & LEADING TO THE ETERNAL. without prayer, without TUNING IN to God & actively engaging in that graced & blessed connection, life feels hollow & empty & finite. So ALWAYS PRAY!!! visualize the Life of Christ; practice saying the rosary again!! IT DOES & WILL HELP; that powerful & profound prayer OPENS THE HEART TO MIRACLES.) I realized that, actually, that "desk/ room/ closed off & out/ alone" combo situation was EXACTLY what I was LITERALLY trapped in during SLC/NC!!! Mel's basement, Q's apartment, the VdG houses, TBAS's kitchen & playroom... heck, even that month I lived in "Jayce's house," AND the "Bluesky summer" without my grandparents-- ALL of those situations had me FORCIBLY ISOLATED, with NO PEOPLE EVEN NEARBY, locked into one small room, typically at a desk, alone & in dead silent stillness for up to 12 HOURS A DAY, FOR WEEKS, if not longer... and my ONLY "escapes/ distractions" apart from my laptop were-- you guessed it-- the kitchen & bathroom. Oh yeah-- and THOSE WERE BOTH TRAUMA HUBS. So of COURSE my survival brain is freaking out, poor thing! It's feeling like, once that door opens, disaster will occur? And yet, staying in here is existentially terrifying-- UNLESS I PRAY. But it's also triggering old abandonment terror-- cut off from family, rejected by friends, no neighbors, no community, no human connection at all. But that's NOT THE TRUTH ANYMORE! Even in this room, I HAVE FAMILY & FRIENDS & NEIGHBORS & COMMUNITY and they are ALL outside that door, and it CAN be opened and WILL be opened because THEY LOVE ME & CARE ABOUT ME and "GOD said, 'IT IS NOT GOOD FOR MAN TO BE ALONE'"!!! The TRIUNE GOD HIMSELF IS LOVE & COMMUNION!!! So He gave us His Son to share our life, Who gave us His Spirit to LIVE IN US, so we're NEVER alone, AND He gave us EACH OTHER, THE CHURCH, to BE HIS BODY, united & WHOLE & forever interconnected. So, no matter WHAT, every human soul exists in blessed, inherent relationship with both GOD and ALL MANKIND.