the spectrum heart cathedral system

today.

at work, eros going into raw floatspace and ended up fighting the PLAGUE??
he was terrified, couldn't get any weapons to work. called for laurie, she jumped right in and went at it with her axe.

eros desperately wanting to change his name. wondering if that's why he couldn't find a surname yet, because the whole thing has to switch.



REMEMBER that on the 17th the "ORIGINAL EROS" from 2012 came out and hacked the body EXACTLY like he used to. his vibe has not changed at all.
he's not actively malevolent but he does not understand what the hell he is doing and so he is NOT allowed to front because that makes him toxic even if he doesn't "mean it."

…I didn't mention last week as a whole, did i.


razor was out one day. with the anchor plushes. she had to kill four of them that week and she told me this morning, in tears, that she doesn't want to have to kill anything anymore even if she has to because it makes her very very sad. she's never felt so sincere before. like when peoples hearts break like that… their vibe gets wider, broader, more solid. razor's never felt like that before. so I feel awful that she's hurting but at the same time… her being is expanding, from how this is testing her soul. does that make sense? she's feeling more now, thinking more.

there's some "80s cartoon princess" that was out with the hacks, she was being used. I swear she's been around before. no idea who though, she's locked to those situations so-- even if this sounds harsh and sad-- I hope we don't see her again anytime soon. it's so weird, people like her and jacinth and azalea are so hack-locked that it's like, what would it be LIKE for them to NOT be negative??
…


oh. have I mentioned? we have at least three jewel monsters in the "system," I really have no clue how to refer to them as this is so unusual but they front often and easily and they are some of the most calming presences we have.
the main one's a purganiuso. I think he has champagne-colored power jewels but I'm not sure.
anyway he is such a good fronter. I love when he's out, it's so centering and nice and effortless actually.

the second one's the angelorei with dioptase power jewels that was fronting all around last christmas. he's really, really happy all the time, but it's a "gold" happy, more of a jovial sort. very solid but genuine.
either he or the purganiuso are resonating with "jubilatio/ jubilate" etc. as a name?
can't pinpoint which yet.

the third one's the gold lephieros with poinsettia eyes that was also out in church for the holidays. he's quieter and is rarely out but they feel very peaceful, with a sense of wonder.

they all feel like alternate guardians?? like if they were in the dream world they would live IN D4, which is HIGHLY unusual, I'm rather uneducated on how that entire level works as of yet. but that makes sense.

I don't know if the green kaiteo from last summer has an identity of its own, or if she's more of one of jewel's personae. she hasn't been around in a while
nevertheless, yes. jewel monsters IN THE SYSTEM. I'm euphoric, really. it feels right.


reading two psychology books. "muses madmen & prophets" and "the divided self."
both are SHOCKINGLY ACCURATE to our life. like upsettingly so in some cases.
but wow. really. wow. I did not expect to see THESE parts of our bizarre life experience in a book, let alone two. so I'll probably end up buying these in the future.
I haven't really absorbed them well enough to talk about them yet but I will.


found my digivice! FINALLY. I've been looking for it for literal years. turns out mom had it buried in a box full of old plastic game parts in the attic. but no more!
I have T.K.'s green D3, which is the best because ANGEMON. our bro had ken's black one, and that’s been on our bookshelf for about two years because it lost the back clip and so we could never wear it. but we'd put it in our pocket sometimes.
jewel always wanted the translucent violet variant but as a kid we weren't allowed to buy it. ah well. we're happy now, green's a good color, and hope's a good crest. laurie still says I'd be Light instead but hey. it works.
so now we are even more of a 90s kid aesthetic-wise, along with my arms full of power bracelets and my laptop bag covered in tamagotchis and plastic pokemon keychains. now if only I could find my old game boy color again, haha. AND our original 1997 digivice. we had a navy blue one and I think our first digimon was seadramon. we cried when it died. I remember that.




other things for today.

julie and pink energy.
I have to call it that because it literally registered as such. just this soft cotton-candy pink aura all about the chest. lovely stuff.
she is the only person in the entire spectrum, probably ever, who can front in the body and deal with sexuality in a non-sexual, fully compassionate, non-traumatic context.
that is HUGE.
she's also found out that
(autonomous sexuality? union of opposites IS symbolic, feeling of total internal completion? also RED as bodylife, deeply grounded feeling, everything rooted in that warm color, not lustful in the slightest. we've been vaguely aware of this since childhood; we never got sexual impulses we got this drive to ground but it was always that same area, the base of the spine, internally, like the seed a tree sprouted from)



(ended abruptly)